Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Gets Juiced
by Author0fntent
Summary: The soul of a desperate Naoko Akagi hires the one man capable of scaring the pants off of even the Angels...unfortunately, he's the ghost-est with the most-est...Evangelion gets a shot of Burton in this delightfully scary and screwy mash-up.
1. Prologue

*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax or Warner Brothers.*

**Prologue: Let's Make a Deal**

"I believe in the human race."

An eerie calm rested over a nighttime desert-like landscape, where a conversation was taking place between two people who couldn't be more different. A deal was being negotiated, and the woman proposing it couldn't be more serious than she sincerely presented herself. The woman in question speaking was one Dr. Naoko Akagi, the late former head of Project-E, and mother to its current lead scientist, Ritsuko Akagi.

"Humanity has made as many triumphs as it has tragedies. Most of the time, either involves love. I felt I did right by my daughter as a scientist and a mother; I didn't do enough to raise her right as a woman. I encouraged her in her studies and academic pursuits; I never taught her to choose wisely when it came to matters of the heart. She's found herself in the thrall of the same man who led me to where I am right now. It's even worse than when I was involved with him. The man is sick; there's only ever been one woman who's held his heart, and she's been gone for years; he's willing to do anything, _anything_ to reunite with her. Yet what he's trying to accomplish, thanks in part to the work my daughter is doing for him, will doom humanity as a whole even more than the scenario planned by his superiors. In my current state, I felt there was nothing I could do. In this limbo netherworld, I asked around, went to every spirit guide possible; they all turned me away. Eventually, I found myself with a caseworker, of all people, was given a copy of this _Handbook for the Recently Deceased_, and was told that for results, I should come to you. Then again, I couldn't tell if the one who told me that was being sarcastic or not."

The man sitting at the rotten mahogany desk, stroking the fur of the zombified cat on his lap, stared at her (semi-lewdly) for a bit before he spoke. He was a very...haggard-looking fellow. Wild, wavy yellow-green hair, pale-white skin, stubble even worse than Ryoji Kaji's, and teeth that looked like they needed an army of dentists. He wore a black-and-white striped suit, an almost pink-ish shirt, and a loose black tie. A manic grin adorned his face, as did wild-looking, baggy yellow eyes. He looked like a used car-salesman that'd been run through a landfill full of old back issues of _MAD_ magazine.

"Why'd you go to those bozos?" he asked. "Why didn't ya come to me first?"

"What do you want of me?" Naoko asked. "Tell me anything, but do what I ask you to do."

"And that'd be?" the man asked. Naoko walked over and, ignoring the man's stench, whispered in his ear as he grinned. She then quickly stepped back, waving away the faint wisp of his odor away from her nose.

"I want him dead," Naoko finished.

The man held his chin, feigning a look of being in deep thought, before he spoke up again as he let the cat scamper away.

"Sorry, toots," he said as he laid his feet on the desk, "but I ain't exactly the 'grim reaping' type, if ya know what I mean."

Naoko looked very surprised at that statement. "But...I was told you're great at 'getting rid' of people. I'll give you anything you ask."

"Listen lady," he began to counter, "I dunno how long you've been dead and all, but there's a few ground rules in these parts regarding what a bio-exorcist does. And dealin' death, even to the bastards that deserve it, ain't one of my duties. 'Sides, killin's never really been my shtick."

"I'm asking you to get me justice for what was done to me and Ritsuko by Gendo Ikari," Naoko insisted.

"You haven't tried haunting him yerself?" the man asked smugly.

"I can't-the supercomputer NERV uses is based on my brain. The MAGI would detect my pattern before I could even get the lay of the land, and they'd even put my soul in an Evangelion-I'd be trapped. I need an outsider for this."

"Look, what yer askin' for ain't justice, but I do like a little vengeance every now and then. Yer kid's still alive, ain't she? A bit of a floozy, but still tickin'. Until that scenario or whatever it is kicks into high gear."

"Fine. I won't ask you to kill him. Perhaps...Make him suffer. Scare him out of his wits. Make him so terrified he'll run out of the Geofront with his tail between his legs. How much is this going to cost me?"

The man then took the form of Marlon Brando (despite retaining his colors) as he got up from the desk and approached her, before he answered Naoko's question.

"We haven't known each other long," he began, "but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel or for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let's be frank here. You never wanted my friendship and, uh, you were afraid to be in my debt."

The latter part confused Naoko a bit. "Uh...godmother?"

The man then switched back to his regular form. "Whoops, uh, wrong script. I'm just sayin' that, if ya came to me in the first place, then the stiff that's ruinin' yer kid would be wettin' every pair of pants he owns right now. But yeah, basically, from the way ya went on about this guy, and all this hoo-hah with the 'Angels' and stuff, sounds like a challenge. Me likey a challenge. So since this is yer first time doin' business with yers truly, I'll let ya have this as a freebie for now. But a lil' warning..." he said before donning a Brando impression again. "Someday, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this mayhem to come as a gift on the day of my daughter's wedding."

"I...didn't know you had a daughter," Naoko wondered.

"NAAAAH, just always wanted to say that line," he said.

"Do we have a deal then?" Naoko asked.

"Weeeellllll..." he meandered, "Ah, hell, why not?" He then held out his hand for her to shake. Naoko eyed it for a moment before taking a surgical glove out of her lab coat's pocket [how she managed to take anything with her, we have no idea], slipping it on, and then shaking his hand.

Beetlejuice smiled as they shook, and then handed her a card. She took it apprehensively, eyeing it with suspicion.

"What's this?" she asked.

"My punch card," Beetlejuice replied. "Get that punched nine more times, and ya get a free sub. Unused since the Cold War."

Naoko looked at him dumbfounded before tucking the card into her pocket. "So, what's your first move?"

Beetlejuice let a mischievous grin adorn his face before he answered. "First thing's first, we're gonna pay a visit to the bastard's favorite toy aside from yer kid."

He snapped his fingers, and soon the two of them left the netherworld 'office'.

**Rei Ayanami's apartment...**

The two of them appeared in the decrepit apartment dwelling of Rei Ayanami, the First Child and pilot of Evangelion Unit-00. Naoko grew upset at this; an earlier version of Rei was the instrument of Gendo's that led to her own demise. Rei herself was present in the dwelling, and immediately turned to see the two newcomers in her home. Her eyes went wide when she recognized Naoko.

"H-how? You are dead," Rei wondered.

"What are we doing here, Beetlejuice?" Naoko asked, derision in her voice.

"I like to make sure I got plenty o' aces up my sleeve," he replied, "so I'm gonna need a lil' helper monkey to cause a lil' mischief around NERV HQ to supplement my usual bag o' tricks. A partner-in-crime, with a hint of poetic irony if ya will."

Beetlejuice then walked up to the wary Rei and proceeded to cartoonishly open up her skullcap like a pickle jar lid. He then took a look inside the Angel/human hybrid clone's head to see what made her tick (or didn't).

"Aaaaahhhh, I see the problem," Beetlejuice said, "looks like someone forgot to turn on yer funny bone." Naoko looked inside to where he was pointing, and sure enough there was something that looked like a light switch labeled 'Funny Bone'. It was currently on the 'off' setting.

"Gee, I wonder what'll happen if I flip this on..." Beetlejuice sarcastically mused as he flipped it.

As soon as he did, he screwed Rei's skullcap back on and he and Naoko stepped back. Rei twitched for a second, then convulsed, uttering all sorts of unintelligible nonsense as she jumped all over the place before twirling like a mini-tornado, before finally collapsing onto her bed.

"...WHAT did you just do?" Naoko worriedly asked.

"Gave back the little missy something she needed more than a life," Beetlejuice replied, "a sense of humor. How're ya feelin', kid?"

There was a pause, until Rei quickly jumped back up and lifted her head. A very mischievous smile now adorned her face, like she was ready to give the world hell.

"...Ssssssssssmokin'!" Rei hissed with newfound glee in her voice.

"Whoa there, kid-dial it back a bit," Beetlejuice said, "ya wanna get sued?"

"Gotcha," Rei replied, straightening herself.

Beetlejuice then clapped his hands together before he spoke again. "All right ladies, here's what we're gonna do first..." He then started explaining the outline of his 7-step plan for scaring Gendo Ikari into a witless stupor...

**NERV HQ, the Geofront, the next day...**

Everyone was going about their business as usual, a sync test with all three pilots. Of course, everyone was unaware of the recent change in Rei, who cleverly hid this all from them, waiting for Beetlejuice's signal whenever he needed her to cause a little macabre mischief; for today though, Beetlejuice was just giving Naoko a little 'sneak preview' of what was to come from the job she hired him for. Misato, Ritsuko, Gendo, and Sub-commander Fuyutsuki were all present for the tests today, as they observed the progress from behind the glass of the pribnow box.

"We're just about done here, guys," Misato assured as she spoke into the mic to the pilots.

"Great," Asuka intoned sarcastically, "any longer and I'll start feeling like the grape in a thing of Jell-O."

"Comes with the territory, Asuka," Ritsuko mentioned. "Tedium's the usual order of the day without any Angel attacks."

Suddenly, said tedium was broken when Shinji noticed an odd, faint sound coming from out of nowhere.

"Hey, does anyone hear that?" Shinji asked as he looked around. The sound soon started to get louder.

"Yeah, now that you mention it," Misato said, "almost sounds like..."

"Drums?" Ritsuko asked suspiciously.

Soon the drums grew louder, until finally a new sound joined them.

"_DAAAAAYYYYY-O_!" Makoto uttered loudly, in a voice not his own (more like something...Belafonte-an), which he noticed with alarm.

"_DAAAAYYYYY-O_!" Maya intoned next, shocked as she nearly grasped her throat. Everyone around her looked on astonished, like she'd grown a second head.

"_Daylight come and me wan' go home_," Shigeru intoned third, eyes wide as saucers as he looked down at his own mouth. Some unseen force then made all three stand up suddenly as if possessed, making them get into the beginnings of a Calypso-like dance.

Makoto: "_DAY_!"

Maya: "_Me say day, me say day, me say daaaayyy-ooo_!"

Shigeru: "_Daylight come and me wan' go home..._"

All eyes in the pribnow box and in the EVA's (save for Rei's) were gobsmacked by what they were seeing. Things only got weirder from there.

"_Work all night on a drink of rum!_" sang a now-possessed Misato as she started swaying to the drum beat with a horrified look on her face.

"_Daylight come and me wan' go home_" sang the possessed and equally-terrified bridge techs as they joined her in movement.

"_Stack banana 'til de mornin' come_!" Misato continued as her arms picked up an empty waste basket that she started playing like a small drum.

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

"_Come mister tally man, tally me banana_," Ritsuko sang as she fell under the spell, a look of pure bewilderment on her face.

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

_**Come mister tally man, tally me banana.**_

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

Shinji and Asuka just stared at the scene unfolding before them, mouths hanging open in utter shock and awe. Gendo and Fuyutsuki were just as shocked, a feeling that Gendo didn't permit himself to experience as much of late. But this was an exception, it was just that bizarre. Soon enough, the commanders got roped into the spectacle themselves, to their own surprise.

_**Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch!**_

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

_**Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch!**_

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

_**Day, me say day-o.**_

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

**_Day, me say day, me say day, me say day..._**

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

**_A beautiful bunch o' ripe banana,_**

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

**_Hide the deadly black tarantula!_**

_Daylight come and me wan' go home._

At that moment, ghoulish-looking hands popped out of the monitors, giving each tech a slight 'boop' on the nose before pushing them back, causing them to fall out of their chairs. At the same time, a terrified Ritsuko leaped into Misato's arms as both screamed, along with Maya.

Soon enough, the hands disappeared, and the music stopped. The techs clamored to their seats as everyone looked around them nervously.

"Wha-what the hell just happened?" Misato asked, her voice normal again.

"I...I don't know," a very worried Ritsuko replied.

In the back of the box, Gendo and Fuyutsuki were conversing silently.

"This...was not part of the scenario," Gendo said, a rare hint of unease in his voice.

"I have a feeling this has only just begun," Fuyutsuki replied.

Meanwhile, in Unit-00, Rei observed all this occurring. No one noticed the slight smile she had on her face.

**END Prologue.**

***Author's Note(s)***  
**Just in time for Halloween! I don't know how, but one day this idea for an unusual crossover just came to me. Lord knows what an EVA helmed by Tim Burton would look like. *SHUDDERS***

**The opening conversation between Naoko and Beetlejuice is, of course, a takeoff on the legendary opening scene from ****_The Godfather._**

**Something tells me that from here on out, even the Angels should be afraid...VERY afraid...**


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 - What does the Angel of Fear _fear_?**

It was the day after the Calypso-related incident during the sync test. Shinji, Asuka and Rei were up on the school's roof eating lunch with Toji, Hikari and Kensuke. Through some coaxing, Shinji reluctantly told them about what the three pilots saw during the test. To say that their friends were stunned was an understatement. Kensuke and Toji looked at each other warily for a moment before turning back to the pilots.

"NERV's _haunted_?!" they both asked.

"It's NOT haunted," Asuka replied with no small amount of denial, "I'm betting the staff was just so overworked they snapped for a bit to vent all their frustration."

"Asuka, you saw them all sing-_in the same voice_," Shinji said, unintentionally chipping away at Asuka's statement. "It was like they were possessed-didn't you see the looks on their faces? They were terrified! Even my father looked scared-I've NEVER seen him like that."

"Feh-I bet someone put them all up to it and they just lip-synced over the PA system," Asuka said with continued skepticism.

"Then what about the creepy hands that came out of the computers?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah, c'mon Red," Toji chimed in, "you possibly can't deny seeing undead mitts popping out like that."

"Probably just malfunctioning holograms," Asuka countered as she fervently dug into her bento.

"Nope. Not buying it," Kensuke countered in turn. "Explain how holograms can push solid people out of their chairs. Face it-NERV's haunted. By ghosts who're fans of Harry Belafonte...for some reason."

"Coming from you, of course that sounds ridiculous," Hikari chided. "Working long hours can take a real toll on people, it's a proven fact."

"Enough to make them see things or start dancing up a tropical storm?" Toji smugly asked.

"Well...yes! Exactly!" the class rep answered with a slight stumble. "Stress can have an adverse effect on a person, and how they deal with it differs from person to person."

"Maybe the staff had the right idea. Perhaps they all felt like they needed a Caribbean vacation or something. Though in factoring the creepy computer hands, I can't imagine why they'd take it during the month of Halloween."

All eyes turned with great surprise to the source of that statement: Rei Ayanami. The First Child maintained something of her focused demeanor, but something seemed off about it. It seemed...friendlier than usual. Even more surprising was the fact that right just that second, for the first time in all the time they'd known her, Rei had used a contraction-two of them!-in her sentences.

"What's the matter?" Rei asked as she devoured another piece of gyoza. "Haven't seen a girl offer her two cents on stress in the workplace before?"

The looks of surprise quickly graduated to full-on astonishment, considering that this was the first time they'd heard Rei use _any_ figure of speech.

"A-A-Ayanami? Are you...feeling okay?" Shinji asked nervously.

"Just peachy, actually," Rei replied nonchalantly, a lack of her usual monotone present. "Why'd you ask?"

"Oh, uh, uh..." Hikari attempted to answer, words failing to come to mind.

"Well," Toji started, attempting to pick up where the class rep left off. "It's just that...Well...you're..."

"Speaking like a normal human being?" Asuka answered most bluntly.

Shinji swallowed, Toji scratched the back of his head, and Hikari grew a worried look on her face. Rei smirked inside; all was going according to her part of Beetlejuice's plan to completely upend the Scenarios before either of them gained traction. Aside from causing minor mischief on the sly, Rei was to disrupt the social dynamics Gendo had set out in order for the conditions of his Scenario to be right-her as the unfeeling puppet, Asuka the prideful fallen ace, and Shinji as the weak-willed nihilist. By the time she (and her co-conspirator) would be done, things would be going totally off the rails; the fact that her fellow pilots would come out of it happier and more stable at the finish was a nice bonus. But baby steps were needed first. Becoming more sociable and friendlier to those around her was only the start.

"Oh, is that all?" Rei asked with amusement. "I'll be honest-before I got to know you all, I pretty much held myself back. Just a little defense mechanism I had. I used to get shy around other people, but spending more time with you finally gave me an excuse to be myself a bit more." She then turned to Asuka. "Say Sohryu, that offer of friendship still good?" Rei held out her hand to the confused Second Child. Asuka eyed it warily before looking at the smiling face of her fellow pilot. Thinking that she might be wrong about Rei, Asuka reached out to return the First Child's handshake.

Mere inches from the hand, Rei quickly yanked hers away from Asuka's, to the dumbfounded surprise of everyone else.

"Too slow!" Rei quipped, followed immediately by her snickering in a Lupin-like manner.

The looks of shock were still on everyone else's faces, with Asuka's slowly turning into one of anger. But before she could blow her lid...

"Just kidding, don't worry, just yanking your chain a bit," Rei quickly said as she held her hand out for real this time. Asuka's burgeoning anger quickly turned back into surprise, before she finally started laughing as she finally shook Rei's hand.

"Okay, I was DEFINITELY wrong about you, Wondergirl," the German pilot replied. "You're all right."

"About that," Rei began, "do you think you could stop with the 'Wondergirl' thing? Do I look like I carry a magic lasso and wear a gold tiara? Just call me Rei."

"Uh, sure," Asuka responded, "only if you call me Asuka."

"Works for me," Rei said, "same with you, Shinji?"

"Oh! Sure, whatever you'd like, Aya-Rei," Shinji said as he corrected himself.

The girls giggled for a bit at Shinji's near-slip-up as the conversation turned to plans for the rest of the day once school let out. Of course for the pilots, they had to report to NERV for a new test. While usually a boring affair, only Rei knew that things were going to become more..._interesting_ that afternoon...

**NERV HQ, later that day...**

The MAGI, for the first time in a long time, was undergoing a routine maintenance. While Ritsuko and the staff were going to take care of it anyway, yesterday's little incident spurred them to move a little faster on getting the job done. The pilots were brought in to take care of a key aspect of the overall procedure; it was going to be an autopilot test for the in-development 'dummy plug' system. Before the test was to begin, the pilots had a little amount of free time, so they waited in the lounge for a bit. While Asuka read a magazine and Shinji tried to do a crossword puzzle in a copy of the paper left on the table, Rei, a small mischievous smile on her face, went over to the coffee maker to start going through with inflicting her particular brand of gaslighting on the NERV staff. Quickly checking to see that no one was eyeing her, she swapped out the pot with an identical twin (using the slightest of hand), only this pot was filled with something completely different than the usual swill that passed for coffee at NERV. Her task out of the way, Rei quietly slipped back to her chair to meditate (or give off the appearance of meditating), just as a voice came on the PA calling them to get ready for the test. At that, the three pilots left to head to the testing room just as Ritsuko, Misato and a few other techs came into the lounge for their next cup o' joe of the day. Each poured themselves a cup, unaware of the switch Rei had made. This became apparent after Misato took her first sip, for right when the liquid hit her taste buds, her eyes went wide as she spit it out over the sink in the lounge.

"*BLECH!* *UGH!* This coffee tastes like kombucha!" she said with disgust.

Ritsuko, just as she raised her cup to her lips, opened one eye as she sniffed at the liquid. "Uh, Misato-it _is_ kombucha."

Misato, eyes wide, looked down at the contents of her cup and promptly poured it out into the sink, an action that was followed by the other staffers. Strangely, Ritsuko still kept hers and continued to drink it. Everyone eyed her in wonderment.

"What?" Ritsuko asked. "I developed a taste for it. Maya introduced me. She makes a pretty good brew herself." She took another sip before remarking, "Huh, this is actually a pretty good batch. Remind me to thank whoever brought it."

She then turned and walked out of the lounge towards the direction of the pribnow box, the rest of the staff and Misato following her. Once everyone settled in at their stations in the pribnow box, Ritsuko and Misato both shuddered at what was to come next: informing the pilots of what they were going to do for the test...

"WHAT? You want me to take my clothes off _again_?!" Asuka whined.

"The next chamber is an ultra-clean environment," Ritsuko replied over the intercom. "Showering and changing into clean underwear isn't enough."

"Why do I have to go through all of this, and all for a dumb autopilot test?!" Asuka demanded, clearly not amused.

"As time advances, so too must EVA technology," said Ritsuko, "and for that to happen, we need a constant influx of new data. Now, get undressed and let's get on with it."

With some reluctance (minus Rei), the three pilots stripped down to their birthday suits in their respective entrances and awaited further instruction.

"All right, I'm here! Just the way you wanted!" Asuka declared sarcastically with her hands on her (bare) hips. "Butt-naked and run through the wash seventeen times!"

"Very good" said Ritsuko. At this point, all three pilots noticed the camera aimed at them. "Now please stay that way as you walk through the room and board the entry plugs."

"WHAT?!" Asuka yelled with outrage.

"Don't worry," Ritsuko spoke reassuringly, "the video recorders are already off. We do respect your privacy, after all."

"Aw, too bad," Rei said, "and here I bought a set of novelty censor bars for nothing."

Ritsuko nearly spit out her drink as she did a double-take at what Rei just said. What _Rei_ just said. _Wha-wha-what the hell?_, she thought with shock on her mind. _Did Rei just...make a joke?_ She wasn't the only one shocked by what Rei'd just said, as Asuka and Shinji stared in the her direction (despite walls separating their view) with their jaws dropped.

Ritsuko struggled to regain her composure as she continued to reassure the pilots of the experiment's point. "Th-the purpose of this test is to monitor the harmonics directly from your bodies, without the interference of your plug suits."

Misato chimed in to give the 'long story short' version of their task. "Asuka, this is not a request, it's an order! Now MARCH!"

Asuka fumed for a bit, but ultimately sighed in defeat. Shinji did his best to temper his embarrassment, while Rei was unfazed by all of it.

"Eh, don't feel so bad, Asuka," Rei said, "like they say, if you got it, flaunt it."

Both Misato and Ritsuko's respective sense of composure did another nosedive immediately as they heard Rei speak. Both wondered the same thing-what the hell got into the normally-quiet and reserved First Child? This wasn't like her-it was _never_ like her!

"*UGH* FINE, I'll go first," Asuka volunteered. She then began to exit the stall. Right when she was two feet out, Rei wiggled her nose, Samantha Stevens-style, and soon the PA system in both rooms sparked to life as the sounds of "The Stripper" by David Rose and his Orchestra started playing. Ritsuko nearly choked on her drink when the song came on, while Maya nearly fell out of her chair with surprise. Asuka went totally beet red as soon as she heard it, causing her to walk a bit more briskly to the entry plug.

"What the hell?! Maya! Shut it off!" Misato barked.

"I'm trying!" Maya replied with alarm as she desperately typed on her keyboard. "It's not responding to any of the commands I enter!"

"Well, find something that'll work!" Misato demanded.

Suddenly, as soon as Asuka entered the plug and closed the door behind her-but not before she let out a very loud "_SCHEISSE!_"-the music stopped. All eyes looked wide at the speaker before they tried to set themselves straight and continue the test. It was confirmed that the cameras were indeed still off, but the question of what turned the sound system on just for that moment lingered.

Shinji swallowed before he decided to step forward this time. As soon as he stepped out a few feet from his starting point, Rei wiggled her nose again, and music erupted from the PA system again. This time though, the trumpet of Herb Alpert was heard as his Tijuana Brass' "Spanish Flea" came on. Shinji blushed as he moved at a faster pace to the entry plug, while the staff in the pribnow box went nuts trying to shut the system off. Again, right when Shinji entered the plug, the music stopped, further confusing the staff.

Outside the view of the NERV staff, Beetlejuice and Naoko watched in ethereal form, with Naoko stunned by the display that just occurred.

"Thank god the cameras aren't on," Naoko sighed with relief, "that's a level of embarrassment I wouldn't wish on anyone I know."

"Gotta say," Beetlejuice commented, "the kid's gotten quite the taste in tunes. Might go far as a deejay someday." He then continued to munch on his popcorn-which, upon closer inspection, was actually fresh barnacles. "Want some?" he offered.

"No thanks," Naoko replied, hiding her disgust. In working with Beetlejuice, the ghostly scientist had to get used to a number of things regarding the man, especially his peculiar diet.

"All...all right, Rei, your turn," Ritsuko said over the intercom.

"Yeeesss, mahster," Rei responded in a riff on 'Igor the hunchback'. She wiggled her nose again, and as she began walking-more like strutting, catwalk-style-towards the entry plug, Walter Murphy's "A Fifth of Beethoven" began playing on the PA. Maya and a few other techs yet again scrambled to find out what was causing this, but ultimately gave up after Rei got into the plug (where she wiggled her nose to stop it again).

Soon Asuka's furious voice could be heard over the comms. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, Misato?!"

"Whatever it was, we didn't cause it, Asuka!" Misato replied. "We'll get to the bottom of it after the test." She then turned off the mic for the moment.

"Oh, PLEASE let it be the last time," a weary Misato said, "I'm getting mental whiplash from all of this."

"At least hopefully the test can proceed as planned," Ritsuko said a bit of worry in her voice. "Begin testing sequence." She and Misato observed the headless simulation EVA bodies before them in the test chamber's liquid environment. The techs made all the necessary adjustments and connections and soon the simulation plugs fell under the MAGI's control. Maya announced the duration of the test as three hours.

"How's everyone feeling?" Ritsuko asked the pilots.

"Kinda funny, actually," Rei replied.

"Yeah," Shinji agreed. "It's a bit...different."

"Pretty weird," Asuka spoke up. "I can feel my right arm okay, but everything else is just...fuzzy?"

"Rei, try moving the right hand," Ritsuko ordered. Rei complied, moving the right hand and the forearm upwards, at which point she mentally had it give the crew in the pribnow box a thumbs-up, momentarily startling them. Ritsuko then went up to Maya's side.

"How's the data look?" Ritsuko asked her understudy.

"Well, they all look normal, so far," Maya replied.

Meanwhile, up in Central Dogma, Shigeru and Makoto directed Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki to an anomaly that'd emerged on their monitors.

"Are you absolutely sure about this?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"Definitely," Shigeru replied, "take a look at max-magnification. These are the parts installed three days ago, and here they are now. Only question is what those dark spots are in the first place."

"It's probably some corrosion," Makoto theorized, "my feed's showing me that the parts are cooler than the rest of the wall and less conductive. The fact that the wall's got these isn't an issue to me, considering the more questionable methods used to build that part of the Geofront."

"Oh yeah," Shigeru remembered, "they had to finish it two months ahead of schedule. No wonder-the whole B wing's got shoddy construction, and now it's 'infected' the new parts."

"Using cheap contractors is now coming back to haunt us," Makoto said, "which is terrible, considering we need to be well-polished and ready if we're going to save mankind."

"That explains things," Fuyutsuki added, "the contractors finished this part of the base long after the Angel attacks had begun." It was clear the vice-commander wasn't too happy with the quick finish of the construction job. "Make sure Dr. Akagi knows about the problem-we'll need to have it repaired within a day, or the Commander won't be happy at all." At that, Shigeru quickly picked up the inter-office phone and called Ritsuko in the pribnow box.

Ritsuko answered and quickly got the gist of the problem Shigeru mentioned. "All right...yes, we'll take care of it once the test is over. On another note, Lt. Aoba-did you mess around with the speaker system?"

"What? No way," Shigeru replied, "Why do you ask?"

"Because right as each of the pilots started heading into the simulation plugs," Ritsuko began to explain, "some random song started playing over the PA."

"Which songs?" a curious Shigeru asked.

"Let me see..." Ritsuko said as she picked up the sticky note Maya handed her, "here they are: "The Stripper" by the Dave Rose Orchestra, "Spanish Flea" by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, and "A Fifth of Beethoven" by Walter Murphy."

"Then I definitely didn't do it," Shigeru responded. "None of those are in my particular wheelhouse."

"I see. Thanks anyway, just checking all avenues," Ritsuko said before she hung up.

"What was that about?" Misato asked. "Problems?"

"Eh, nothing really, just something about shoddy construction. Lt. Aoba said there's some corrosion in the wall above us, which means we'll have to drain the water after the experiment so we can have it repaired. You'd think that with everything at stake here, the Commander would spring for better contractors and material..."

At that moment, the alarm klaxons started going off.

"Sempai!" Maya cried out, "the corrosion Lt. Aoba mentioned-it suddenly just accelerated! It's burning through the wall right now!"

"WHAT? Dammit-abort the experiment! Seal all water pipes!" Ritsuko ordered. _Makoto was right_, she thought, _that lazy construction's really biting us right now_.

"All pipes are sealed," Maya reported, "but the corrosion's spreading further-it's coming right into the tank!"

"Ready the lasers," Ritsuko said, "we'll have to burn it off as soon as it's inside! And prepare the pilots for emergency evacuation!"

Soon, the dark spots that had grown on the wall were followed by orange glowing ones. As the lasers all fired at once to try and take out the corrosion, groups of white, glowing octagons appeared to deflect the beams. It could only mean one thing...

Iruel, the 11th Angel, the Angel of Fear, had arrived.

"Was that an A-T Field?" Misato asked worriedly. "Oh god...that means-!"

"Pattern blue! It's an Angel!" a tech confirmed with alarm.

"Get the pilots out of there, NOW!" Ritsuko called out. Immediately, the simulation plugs holding each pilot were forcibly jettisoned out of the tank and through a temporarily-opened hatch into the Geofront's lake; the force of the evac launch gave the pilots no time to ask any questions. Back down below, more bad news followed.

**"Attention! Attention! Central Dogma is now on lockdown! Contamination is spreading!"**

At that moment, the whole tank was suddenly flooded with Iruel's nanites, which infected the laser cannons, turning their beams on the glass of the pribnow box's observation window.

"Everyone out, NOW!" Misato barked as she motioned for everyone to leave, which they did in a hurry just as the blast door sealed off the slowly-flooding room. Soon, all of NERV was under lockdown, yet at the same time the alert was shut off, with everything now gravely silent.

"Alert's been shut off, and the Committee thinks this was just a glitch on our end," Shigeru reported to Gendo, who'd arrived in Central Dogma to assess the situation. "The EVA's and their pilots are currently out in the Geofront, away from the contamination."

"Unfortunately," Makoto added, "the Angel's still spreading slowly over the testing chamber. Nothing seems to stop it."

Everyone questioned how they could battle an Angel with a form like this. Using an EVA would be like firing a rocket launcher at a fly.

Some time later, strategy was still being planned in how to deal with Iruel. All involved determined that the Angel had planned this out ahead of time, and at first thought that, due to its supposed preference for water with less oxygen, ozone would be a way to defeat it. Unfortunately, it only stalled it as the Angel adapted to the increased amounts pumped against it. Things became more dire when an alarm went off indicating the Angel was now trying to hack into the central computer system. They'd tried to cut it off from getting any further, but to no avail. It was now making its way to the MAGI.

Observing from above the staff, Beetlejuice looked on in amusement while Naoko grew even more worried.

"Why are we still watching? We should be doing something!" Naoko said, decrying their situation.

"Relax, bubeleh," Beetlejuice replied, "don't get your spectral panties in a knot. Just lettin' the tension build for a bit before I make my move..."

With that, Beetlejuice vanished. Unknown to the gathered staff members, Beetlejuice then reappeared, having turned into a near-duplicate of the central MAGI console, conveniently set up right in the path of the real Melchior component. At that moment, Iruel made it to what he thought was the central pathway to Melchior, only to suddenly stop as it noticed the sight before him. The cyberspace-savvy Angel was met with a website that looked like a bizarre cross between GoDaddy and America Online, as if it were designed by Charles Addams. Beetlejuice himself appeared before the confused Iruel as a web-avatar version of himself.

"Well well well, you must be Iruel!" the smooth-talking specter greeted. "Heh-if you're an Angel, I'd hate to meet the demons!"

"**Why have you blocked my progress, interloper?**" Iruel cruelly asked. "**Get out of my way, or suffer my wrath. No one interferes with the Angel of Fear!**"

"Ooh, 'Angel of Fear', I'm _shakin'_ in my booties," Beetlejuice sarcastically responded. "Well, buddy, I got somethin' to _really_ fear riiiiight here."

With that, Beetlejuice then assumed the form of a black-and-white-striped laptop, whose screen quickly lit up. Iruel stared at the images that flashed across it, until it realized with horror what exactly it was looking at-the very thing that _IT_ fears.

The seedy, unsavory underbelly of the worst place on the internet: 4Chan's forums.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the staff had figured out the Angel was going to infect the MAGI unless they did something to stop it. They were just about to enter in a program that would trick the Angel into speeding up its own evolution to its natural endpoint, until Makoto noticed something on his monitor. Misato ordered him to put it up on the big screen, which he did. There, all eyes went wide as they saw the Angel, its nanite collective joined together in the shape of a pair of cartoony-looking eyes. Eyes that had gone wide with terror at some unseen (to them) sight. The collective then shape-shifted again, this time into a single word:

**"YIPE!"**

The Angel made the very sound conveyed by the word it'd turned into, over and over, as it fearfully bounced away as if it were running for its life. The rest of the contamination followed it as the rest of the nanites got the message to cut their losses and get out of dodge, lest they be overwhelmed by the dead memes and disgusting posts it had encountered on the way to the MAGI. In no time at all, not a single trace of Iruel remained in any of the Geofront's systems. The assembled staff in Central Dogma was stunned.

Ritsuko breathed a sigh of relief after Makoto and Maya confirmed the systems were clean. "Oh, thank GOD."

"Uh, Sempai...?" Maya started to ask.

"Yes, Maya?" Ritsuko replied inquisitively.

"We normally have three MAGI components, right?" her assistant asked.

"Well, yes-why do you ask?" Ritsuko asked in return.

Maya then pointed towards the direction of Melchior. "Since when do we have a fourth named 'Comicus'?"

Ritsuko's eyebrows went up as she quickly looked at where Melchior was. The others followed her gaze, and noticed that there was, indeed, a fourth identical-looking console next to Melchior, with the label 'Comicus' on the upper left-hand corner of the side facing them. Just then, a pair of crazy-looking eyes and a wicked grin appeared on the side, looking right at the assembled staff, whose own eyes went wide as dinner plates.

"Heh heh," Beetlejuice chuckled. **"BOO."**

Makoto and Shigeru jumped out of their chairs while Misato, Ritsuko and Maya screamed in fright as the fourth 'console' vanished in a puff of purple smoke. Gendo and Fuyutsuki remained stunned at the sight of the spectacle.

"Look!" Maya cried as she pointed at the wall behind them.

Everyone turned around as they saw glowing, green slime ooze out of the walls, spelling out a message. Gendo read it aloud:

**"See you in Hell, Gendo. Make sure to wear your brown pants that day."**

The three techs shuddered, while Misato and Ritsuko shivered as chills ran down their spines. Soon, another message in slime emerged from the wall, which Gendo also read aloud:

**"P.S. **

**Snoochie Boochies."**

The techs fell out of their chairs, gobsmacked, while Misato and Ritsuko's jaws just dropped with a confused "Huh?".

Gendo did his best to resume his natural intimidating air of seriousness as he turned around to his assembled subordinates. "Not ONE word of this leaves this room. No one is to know about any of what just occurred. Is that understood?"

Everyone nodded carefully in agreement. Gendo then dismissed them as they went to check on the damage done in the initial stages of the Angel attack. He then began making his way to his office; he needed to think...

Above all this, Beetlejuice and Naoko reconvened.

"Well, sweet cheeks-whaddya think so far?" Beetlejuice asked.

"I'll admit, it's an impressive start," Naoko replied.

"Lady," Beetlejuice said, "wait'll you see what I've got comin'..."

"By the way," Naoko began to ask with one eyebrow raised, "'Snoochie boochies'?"

"I'm a Kevin Smith fan," Beetlejuice admitted, "the guy does good stuff. It really _speaks_ to me, y'know?"

Naoko rolled her eyes as the two disappeared to plan their next steps.

Meanwhile, up in the Geofront's lake, Rei had managed to reestablish radio contact between herself and the other plugs.

"You guys okay in there?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah, I'm all right," Shinji replied.

"Just doing great," Asuka sarcastically responded. "If I weren't completely nude right now, I'd open this thing so I could get some fresh air!"

"Oh, that won't be a problem," Rei said. "Check behind your seats-I had a couple of techs put some vacuum-sealed bathrobes behind them in case something like this happened. You might want to open up and let the LCL out before you put them on first."

Asuka and Shinji (in their respective pods) blanked for a moment, before giving in to curiosity and reaching behind their seats. Sure enough, they felt something soft and enclosed in a vacuum-sealed bag. Each then pulled the hatch inside the plug that opened up their doors, and the LCL quickly flooded out. Shinji, out of courtesy, let Asuka don her robe first after she coughed up the LCL in her lungs. After she vocally indicated she was decent, Shinji got up, coughed up the LCL, and put on his own robe. All could see that the plugs had floated in closer proximity to one another.

"Ooo, soft!" Asuka mused as she felt the fuzzy white robe that now covered her. "Thanks, blue!"

Rei was up and about in her own robe. "I aim to please," she replied.

Shinji's ears then perked up when he started hearing faint music. "You guys hear that?"

"Now that you mention it..." said Asuka as she held a hand up to her ear. Soon, the music got louder and louder, as it became clear it was a mandolin. The three pilots turned to look at the source of the music as it revealed itself. It was a long, brown gondola, like the ones in Italy, steered by a ghoulish-looking gondolier singing perfectly like Dean Martin. Come to think of it, he kind of looked like Dean Martin, only with a more greenish hue and a ghostly aura about him. Sitting in the gondola to a candle-lit romantic dinner were a couple of zombies.

**_When the moon hits your eye_**

**_like a big pizza pie_**

**_that's a-more..._**

Shinji and Asuka's eyes went wide when they saw the undead crooner manning the rudder.

**_When the stars start to shine_**

**_like you've had too much wine_**

**_that's a-more..._**

The gondolier looked at the pilots as he tipped his hat...along with his head. The zombie couple waved.

As soon as the ghostly gondola was out of sight, for the moment Shinji and Asuka abandoned the general physical distance they always kept between one another as they did something neither thought would happen:

They held each other and screamed in terror.

**NERV HQ, Gendo Ikari's office door...**

Gendo sighed as he neared his office door. It'd been a trying day, to say the least, and right now he wanted to go sit down in what many had called his 'lair' and contemplate his next move. After instructing his secretary to hold all his calls for the rest of the day, he opened the door and started inside.

What greeted him when he crossed the doorway stunned him right on the spot. Where once his darkened, spartan office had been was now replaced by the least likeliest of setups: the bright, bizarrely-colored living room of _Pee-Wee's Playhouse_, right down to the smallest detail. Beetlejuice soon popped out from nowhere, in the form of Pee-Wee Herman himself (despite retaining his colors). He bounced around as he recited the theme song:

"_Come on GET UUUUP! Knock off your NAPPIN'! It's a crazy, messed-up place where anything can HAPPEN! There's a chair that freakin' talks, HEY LOOK! There's some fish that give advice, HOLY CRAP! It's screwy, in Pee-Wee's PLAY-HOUSE!_"

Beetlejuice-as-Pee-Wee then walked over to a brightly-colored case. "HEY, Jambi!" he greeted as the doors opened, revealing the turban-clad head of the blue-skinned, glowing being inside.

**"Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho!"** the genie-like head uttered.

Gendo stood there shocked, his mouth agape, before slamming the door behind him, a light bead of sweat on his forehead. After taking a moment to regain his composure, he opened the door carefully again, only to become greatly confused as his own office greeted him. One thing became apparent for sure: for Gendo Ikari, it was going to be a long, long night.

**END Chapter 1.**

***Author's Note(s)*  
FINALLY! I've been trying to get this next chapter up, but creativity requires patience and a lot of thought.**

**The Angels having incredibly weird fears is going to be a recurring gag throughout the story. For Iruel's, what better fear for an Angel computer hacker than the absolute worst the internet has to offer?**

**Like with ****_FrankenSohryu_****, there's going to be little bits and pieces that reference the works of the chosen filmmaker I've paid homage to, in this case Tim Burton, evidenced by the ****_Pee-Wee's Big Adventure_**** gag towards the end of this chapter.**

**And as for Gendo? By the end of this story, let's just say he's gonna end up the same way as Nic Cage in ****_Vampire's Kiss_**** (1989): bat$#!+ insane.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - Strange Apparitions, Salvaged Affections**

The following days proved to be very strange for the staff of NERV, no matter if they were pilots, technicians or in an administrative capacity. Weird things happened at the most random of times. When Ritsuko went down into Terminal Dogma to inspect the lake of LCL one day, she found three giant worms swimming in it, one of them even lounging with a margarita resting on its head. One of the vending machines a few levels up had one of their snack options replaced with an American treat long thought out of production, Screaming Yellow Zonkers; a few curious souls decided to try them, but when they opened their boxes, literal screams poured out of the packaging. And the weirdest of all, mainly to those who knew the girl? Rei had filed a request for a change of abode, saying that she wanted to trade up from the dump she currently dwelt in. She managed to wheedle an astonished (to put it mildly) Gendo into agreeing, claiming that the scenario wouldn't be threatened and being closer in proximity to her fellow pilots would be a good way to better coordinate their comings and goings. When he granted her request, Fuyutsuki gladly signed along with him, a part of him joyful that Rei was going to be living in a better setting and she was acting more like a girl her age.

Soon enough, Rei had moved all her things to her new apartment, which happened to be next to the one occupied by Misato and her two fellow EVA pilots. A small housewarming party was even held for her, with some of the gifts helping to give a little more personality to the dwelling. Rei later did some decorating of her own, and added a few amenities like a stereo system, a flat-screen TV, and a blender-apparently, Rei'd taken a liking to smoothies lately. Unbeknownst to her friends, she'd also secretly installed a small vault in her closet, for all her 'instruments of mischief'. Speaking of, her friendship with Shinji, Asuka and their fellow students had rapidly gotten better; the two pilots were starting to open up a bit more, inspired by Rei's example. The group of six now did almost everything together-Asuka and Hikari even took Rei on a trip to the mall to fill up her new wardrobe. Naturally, the boys did all the heavy lifting.

Meanwhile, high over another part of the city via helicopter, Gendo and Fuyutsuki were looking over the second and third Lake Ashis as they discussed a recent call from Lorenz Kihl, the chairman of the Human Instrumentality Committee and effectively their boss. According to Fuyutsuki, Kihl had expressed his impatience with the progress of the Human Instrumentality Project; Gendo brushed it off, claiming that everything was going along just fine.

"Aside from the seemingly supernatural phenomena that's befallen the Geofront, that is?" Fuyutsuki asked.

That gave Gendo pause; earlier, he'd confided to Fuyutsuki his supposed brush with 'Pee-Wee's Playhouse' in his office yesterday, which made the old professor wonder, internally, if his former student was starting to go mad. Well, at least the kind of mad more associated with straitjackets and padded rooms.

"The Committee's bought our explanations so far," Gendo replied, "though for once, I'm unsure of how long we can keep them coming if said phenomena doesn't stop."

"Between a rock and a hard place," Fuyutsuki mused. "Incidentally, have you given any thought as to what should be done about "that man"?"

Gendo gave a slight smirk. "We'll let him keep working."

On the ground, at a long-abandoned building, said man-Ryoji Kaji, Misato's ex-was meeting with an informant of his. He'd been at this for a while now, since he was secretly investigating both NERV and SEELE on behalf of the Japanese government. The conversation with his informant (disguised as a cat lady) yielded a new lead for him, that a company he'd been investigating was merely a dummy corporation for the Marduk Institute, a body supposedly tasked with selecting Evangelion pilots. He was also warned that uncovering Terminal Dogma's secret could be more trouble than it was worth. Soon he bid his informant farewell and went on his way, since he had to get ready for a wedding he, Misato, and Ritsuko would be attending for an old college friend of theirs tomorrow.

At school, the six friends found themselves on cleaning duty for the afternoon. They made the most of their tasks with a bit of lively conversation. Rei had made them laugh a bit doing an imitation of Mister Miyagi from _The Karate Kid's_ 'wax on, wax off' line. Hikari then walked over to Asuka to talk with her privately.

"Asuka, I'm hoping you could do me a favor," Hikari said.

"And that would be?" the redhead asked her friend.

"There's this guy who's a friend of my older sister Kodama," Hikari began, "she told him all about you, and he wanted to take you out on a date. Could you please do this? Pretty please?"

Asuka rolled her eyes a bit before deciding that going out with a college student might make for a nice diversion. "Eh, sure, why not? Let your sister know to tell him it's on. But make sure he knows my number one rule-NO funny stuff. Got it?"

Hikari nodded her head affirmatively, knowing very well the consequences of a guy crossing Asuka the wrong way.

At NERV HQ, around the same time, Misato and Ritsuko were discussing the upcoming wedding while a sync test was being conducted with the pilots.

"So what're you wearing tomorrow?" Ritsuko asked.

"Well, 'been there, done that' with the pink dress," Misato answered, "the dark blue's had its day in the sun. At this point, my formal wardrobe's pretty limited."

"What about that orange number of yours?" Ritsuko suggested.

Misato made a slight grimace at the mention of that dress. "There's a very good reason why I can't wear that one, other than it's gotten tacky..." _Here it comes_, she thought.

"It's gotten a bit small for you, hasn't it?" Ritsuko answered with a slight smirk. She figured living with a culinary prodigy like Shinji would have its unintended consequences, and outgrowing clothes was one of them.

"THANKS for the reminder, Dr. Nosy," Misato growled.

"Not a problem, 007," said Ritsuko in a smarmy reply.

Misato's irritated expression fell away with a sigh. "Looks like I'm going dress-shopping soon. That and the gifts alone are putting a serious dent in my finances. I mean, it's like everyone's getting married before hitting the big 3-0-this is the third one I've been to this week alone!"

"Hey, don't come crying to me that you're frequently near-broke," Ritsuko said, "but I agree, it seems a lot of our crowd's wanting to head to the altar, and we're being left behind. I don't have a problem with it, personally. Who knows? You might be next."

"Not funny, Rits," Misato reminded her. "The only way you'll see me walking down the aisle next to Kaji is if I'm a corpse in some twisted horror movie."

"Ooh, harsh," Ritsuko replied.

Once the sync test concluded, the pilots left for the day. Asuka headed out early to hang out with Hikari for a bit, while Shinji and Rei found themselves in the elevator. The two chatted away as it carried them up to street level.

"So, Asuka's got her blind date, Misato and friends have a wedding to go to-where's that leave you?" Rei asked.

"Well..." Shinji began, his head hanging low, "tomorrow's the anniversary of my mother's death. I'm going to be visiting her grave in Tokyo-2."

"Oh," Rei replied, "I'm sorry. It's probably pretty sensitive for you. We can stop, if you want-"

"No, it's okay," Shinji said. "The only downside of this is my father's going to be there. I'm not looking forward to that."

Rei gave him a soft smile. "Don't let him get to you. Even he couldn't be so cruel as to ruin a good mourning. It's probably as tough for him as it is you. Word of advice-be honest in what you tell her when you get there. And try not to get in a fight with your old man-you'll both probably get a ton of bad luck if you break any markers."

Shinji chuckled a bit at hearing this. By the time their conversation finished, the elevator reached its destination and they headed out and back to their apartments.

Speaking of said apartments, in the one where Shinji lived, Asuka had already beaten her two roommates there and was lounging around, channel-surfing. Shinji got home a few minutes later and had already started on some homework of his. Asuka began to think about what she'd wear for her blind date tomorrow, eventually deciding on a green dress she hadn't worn for some time.

"I'm home!" said Misato as she came through the door.

"Hey," greeted both Asuka and Shinji. Asuka then noticed the shopping bag in their guardian's hands, putting two-and-two together that another wedding was in store for her.

"So, how much did that set you back?" Asuka asked bemusedly.

"Har har," Misato replied sarcastically, "by the way, considering you've got a big date tomorrow, you might want to get some sleep."

"All right, all right," Asuka said, "on another note, mind if I borrow some of your lavender perfume for tomorrow?"

"Sorry Asuka," Misato said as she shot down her request, "that's not really kid's stuff."

"Who're you calling a kid?!" Asuka complained. "I'm very mature for my age, you know that!"

"Sure you are," said Misato as Asuka headed for her bedroom. Shinji soon headed into his own, considering his own 'big day' tomorrow.

**The Next Day...**

The ceremony had been beautiful, and the guests were all enjoying themselves at the reception. Ritsuko and Misato sat at a table, where they were finally joined by a late Kaji.

"How is it even for something like this, you STILL won't shave?" Misato complained as she set about straightening his tie.

"NOW tell me you two aren't married yet," Ritsuko said sarcastically, prompting Misato to blush.

"Say ladies," Kaji began, "meant to ask-what's this I've been hearing about HQ having a ghost problem?"

"How did you-?" Misato started to ask, before remembering that Kaji had his ways.

"Let me make it clear, mister," Ritsuko said while frowning, "there are NO ghosts, there's a perfectly logical explanation for the strange things that have been happening."

"Whatever you say," Kaji said, "Now, how about we go congratulate the happy couple?"

The three of them then got up to do just that.

Meanwhile, at the Tokyo-2 cemetery, Shinji had already arrived, leaving a small bouquet on his mother's marker. Gendo walked up a minute later.

"It's been three years since we were last here together," Gendo commented solemnly.

Shinji looked down for a moment before responding. "I ran away then, and I haven't been back since. It just hasn't sunk in that mother's resting here. I don't even remember her face."

"Man survives by forgetting his memories, but there are some things that a man should never...forget..." Gendo's words were stalled as he noticed an eerie sight, one that shouldn't make sense. He knew that the marker was merely for show, that Yui wasn't even buried here, and yet something impossible was appearing before his eyes, behind Shinji's back.

Yui's ghost had risen out of the grave, looking straight at him.

"Father? What's wrong?" Shinji asked as he turned around. When he did, the ghost wasn't there. Gendo was dumbstruck. Shinji turned back as Gendo regained his composure and continued.

"Where was I?" Gendo asked. "Oh, yes. Yui taught me about the irreplaceable things. I come here to confirm...that..."

Gendo's train of thought got stalled again as the ghost reappeared, doing something he never expected Yui to do: make funny faces at him. Shinji, confused, turned around again, only to see nothing where his father was looking.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Shinji asked, wondering what was distracting his father like this.

"I-I'm all right," Gendo replied, trying to resume his conversation.

"O-okay," Shinji said, "so, do you still have any pictures of her?"

"There are none left," Gendo answered. "This grave is just a decoration too; there is no body buried here."

Shinji became disheartened. "So my teacher was right, you threw them all away."

"I keep everything in my...heart..." Gendo found himself lost again as the ghost reappeared, making another round of silly faces at him, mocking him. He was stunned.

Shinji turned around to see what got his father's attention, only to find nothing yet again. "Do you-do you need to see a doctor or something?" he asked.

"NO! I mean, ***AHEM***, I'm fine," Gendo replied, attempting to cover up his behavior. "I, uh, really need to get going now. I've got a...thing...that needs taking care of." With that, he quickly turned around and headed back to the waiting helicopter.

"Uh...sure. Oh, uh, father!" Shinji said.

"Yes?" Gendo replied.

"I'm...I'm glad we talked," Shinji said.

"Er, I see," Gendo responded. "Good day." Gendo then got into the helicopter, which then took off. Shinji, in turn, headed the other way to catch the train back to Tokyo-3.

When the coast was clear, 'Yui's ghost' rose out of the grave and floated to a secluded spot nearby, where she reconvened with Beetlejuice. She then re-assumed her true form of Naoko; earlier, Naoko had gotten a small lesson in minor shape-shifting in her ghostly state. Among the next phases in their gaslighting campaign against Gendo, Beetlejuice came up with the idea of Naoko posing as Yui's ghost and silently mocking Gendo, who knew for a fact that Yui's body was never buried in the grave because there was no body to actually bury. Beetlejuice was laughing like a maniac when Naoko returned to her true form.

"MAN, you're good!" Beetlejuice praised the ghostly scientist, "You pulled off those faces perfectly! Did'ya see the look he had? Priceless! Pretty good, for a first time grave-troller." He then assumed the form of a stereotypical sensei from a kung-fu movie. "The student, it appears, has now become the master."

Naoko raised an eyebrow at this. "Could you not do that? That's offensive."

Beetlejuice changed back. "_Sor-ry_. Boxing coach next time?"

"I'll allow it," Naoko replied, chuckling lightly when she realized what she'd just said. "Heh, I'll bet Gendo's going to go straight to his office to pour himself a stiff one, after that little display of mine. I just hope Yui doesn't mind my little performance."

"Trust me," Beetlejuice smugly assured, "she'll be cool with it, no problem. As for the kid, now it's Rei's turn to shake things up a bit."

"How will she do that?" Naoko asked curiously.

Beetlejuice smiled a sinister smile when he answered, rubbing his hands together. "She's gonna play 'Cupid'..."

**Misato's Apartment, later that afternoon...**

Shinji came home to an empty apartment (aside from Pen-Pen, lounging in his freezer no doubt). It'd been a peculiarly odd afternoon, to say the least, especially regarding his father's rather strange behavior. Well, strange to Shinji, considering how his father normally acted. Feeling like he needed a pick-me-up after the day he'd had, he decided to get out his cello-the one possession he treasured more than his SDAT player, considering it belonged to his mother-and practice for a little while.

In the apartment next door, Rei (who'd been watching Comedy Central's Roast of Bill Murray) muted her TV set as she listened to the sounds of the cello coming through her wall. She smiled as she figured out who was responsible.

"Heh...keep it up, Shinji, and your future with the Philharmonic is set," Rei said to herself. She then heard a series of footsteps approaching the doorway of that apartment, and recognized them as those of the other resident pilot. "Interesting," she mused as she turned on a small device in her hand. Earlier, she'd managed to tap one of the bugs Gendo ordered planted in the apartment, and could now hear everything going on in there whenever she wanted-perfect for her part of the plan.

When Shinji finished playing Bach's Cello Suite No. 1, the sound of clapping greeted him. Turning around, he was surprised to find Asuka.

"Not bad at all," the Second Child commented, "I didn't know you played."

"I've been practicing since I was five," he replied, slightly smiling, "but I'm not very good. I don't really have any talent."

"Perseverance is power. I'm impressed," Asuka said.

"I started studying because my teacher told me to, but I could've quit any time," admitted Shinji.

"So why didn't you?" she asked.

Shinji's shoulders sunk a bit. "Because no one told me to stop."

Asuka shrugged. "I should've known."

Shinji then noticed something about her being here. "You came back early-I thought you were on a date?"

"Well, yeah," Asuka began, "but it turns out the guy Hikari set me up with was a total bore, so while we were in line for the Ferris wheel, I ditched him and came back."

Rei, listening in, grinned. "_Perfect._ Just gotta wait a little more..."

"Oh yeah-where's Misato?" Asuka asked regarding their guardian's whereabouts.

"She left a message before I got to practicing," Shinji answered, "she's gonna be home late. She, Kaji and Dr. Akagi were heading to a bar after the wedding."

Asuka rolled her eyes at that revelation. "At this rate, she's not gonna be home at all tonight." She then went into her room to change.

A short while later, Asuka was laying in front of the TV while Shinji did some homework at the table, the phones of his SDAT in his ear.

"Hey, Shinji, do you want to kiss?", asked Asuka out of the blue.

Shinji took his phones out. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. "What?!"

Rei's smile widened as her eyes lit up while she continued to listen in. "Poor guy, he is SO totally unprepared for this." She snickered quietly, anticipating when she'd make a move oh-so-subtly.

"A kiss," Asuka replied. "A kiss? You've never kissed, right? Then, let's do it."

Shinji stared. It had to be a trick-why would _Asuka_ be suddenly nice to him? "Why?" Shinji asked.

"Because I'm bored," Asuka replied.

"Because you're bored?! But..." Shinji started to say. It _definitely_ sounded like a trap.

Asuka stood up, a sly look on her face as she held her hand out. "You don't want to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mom's death? Afraid she may be watching you from Heaven?"

_Ooh, low blow, Asuka,_ Rei thought.

Shinji defiantly replied, "Not really."

"Or are you scared?" Asuka asked in a challenging tone.

This definitely got to Shinji. "I'm not scared of a little kiss!" He then started to close the distance between them.

Asuka asked, "You brushed your teeth, didn't you?" Shinji nodded in turn. "Then, here I go."

Asuka walked up to Shinji, causing him to blush as he closed his eyes in anticipation, opening them again to see Asuka staring at him.

"Don't breathe, it tickles," Asuka ordered. Her slim fingertips then pinched his nose shut just before their lips met.

Shinji seized up. He couldn't believe it, but it was happening, it was _really_ happening. He was afraid to move, to think, ANYTHING that would wake him from the dream he was having, if it was actually a dream. The girl of his dreams, dreams he'd had since they met on the _Over the Rainbow_, was kissing him. And it felt amazing. He'd ask someone to pinch him if he _were_ dreaming, but that'd already been taken care of. His head swam in a dizzy state, furthered by the feel of her tongue waltzing with his...

...and unfortunately, oxygen deprivation. He started to get woozy, more directly from the sheer hormonal rush than he accounted for, but the kiss felt so good he didn't want it to ever end. His knees started to buckle-he had to do something! If he fainted, he'd break the kiss!

Little did he know, someone was watching out for him, or rather, both of them. Rei smiled mischievously as she figured out the trouble Shinji was in.

"You'll thank me for this later, 'big brother'," Rei said in a sing-song voice as she wiggled her nose again.

Shinji suddenly felt like his arms were moving on their own, as they reached out and around Asuka's hips and lower back, bringing her towards him as their bodies finally bumped together. At that moment, before he'd had the chance to let them bounce back apart, her hand left his nose and came to rest on his shoulder, while her other arm curled around his. An increased amount of pleased-sounding 'mmms' hummed out of them, with Shinji's own grip tightening as much as Asuka's. It'd just occurred to him-she was enjoying it, _all of it_. Perhaps because...she actually _wanted_ to kiss him. That she may in fact..._**like him**_. The fact that she wasn't stopping certainly confirmed it for him.

Rei was sorely tempted to cause the stereo in their apartment to start playing Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet piece, before deciding it'd be a bit overkill and cliched. _Let 'em have this_, she thought to herself with a satisfied smile on her face. She then turned to look in our direction.

"Attention shippers," she said in amusement with a wink, **"you're welcome."**

The two newly-minted lovebirds swayed until they stepped backwards into one of the beanbag chairs near the TV set, causing them to topple, with Asuka on top of Shinji. The landing broke their kiss for the moment; Shinji started to say something, only for Asuka to re-engage the lip-lock before he got even a sound out. He didn't mind, as their arms wrapped around one another again. Upon sensing this, Rei decided '_What the hey_', and wiggled her nose again, causing the stereo to come on with the aforementioned Tchaikovsky piece. Neither of them noticed, their minds too busy being blown sky high. Pen-Pen, walking out of the fridge for a moment, noticed what was going on, and stood there stunned, not making a sound. Even he knew it didn't bode well to ruin a moment. So he turned our way, quickly wrote on a small whiteboard with a black marker, and then held it up. Only one word was on it:

**"Awwwwww."**

This in turn caused an unseen studio audience to utter the same word, on cue.

Rei decided after a couple of minutes to ease up on the music, and wiggled her nose again, causing the volume to fade until it was quiet in the Katsuragi household again. At this point, Shinji and Asuka slowed down, till they broke off to catch their breath, their foreheads pressed together.

"...Wow," Shinji said with a quiet astonishment.

"Yeah," Asuka softly replied, her eyes still closed. It was apparent that anything that came out of their mouths next would be semi-coherent, at best.

"How...how long have you had this much..._passion_ in you?" the redhead asked, her eyes opening at last.

"I...I..." Shinji started to say, a smile forming on his face, "Ever since we first met."

Asuka stared at him, surprised. "What?"

"Ever since the _Over the Rainbow_," Shinji clarified, "ever since then, I've always thought you were so beautiful, so brilliant, with amazing eyes and with such a lust for life, and I thought that if I ever got my first kiss...I'd want it to be you..." He nervously swallowed after saying it. A long silence followed, until Asuka spoke up again.

"...Do you...Do you really mean it?" she asked quietly.

"I do," he replied. More silence ensued.

"...Me too," Asuka finally said. This surprised Shinji greatly.

"You do?" he asked intently.

"YES!" Asuka said sincerely, "I've gotta confess-I wanted to kiss you! I couldn't stop thinking about it! I know I'm supposed to want someone like Kaji but I was wrong! I shouldn't feel so good with you, but I do! And I don't even know why..."

Things got silent yet again for a brief moment until Asuka spoke up again. "If you felt like that about me, why didn't you say anything? I flirted with you for weeks! WEEKS!"

Shinji was dumbstruck. "What do you mean, 'flirted'?"

"What do you think I was doing when I used my bikini-clad chest for a physics lesson?" Asuka replied. "Or that one night during our sync training, when we had the place to ourselves?"

"When you told me about the walls of Jericho?" Shinji genuinely asked.

"Didn't you read the Bible?" Asuka demanded, "I wanted you to bring my walls down!"

"I didn't know that!" Shinji said in response, "My old teacher never taught me that!"

_The plot thickens_, Rei thought to herself as she kept listening in.

"What teacher?" Asuka asked curiously.

Shinji paused for a moment, his head starting to look away. "...When my mother died in an accident with the EVA, my father left me with him and didn't look back." Talking about this was getting uncomfortable for him, as tears started to well up. Asuka stared at him hauntingly until she spoke up.

"That...That's what happened to me," she admitted. Shinji blinked-she understood? "My mother...died after being in an experiment with Unit-02. My father'd left her for one of the nurses that attended to her before she passed. I...I know how you feel."

The two of them talked further, finding a lot of their circumstances familiar: the nightmares, few friends, their fathers never stating why they abandoned them, how few precious memories of their mothers they had...and how it all led to the Evangelion project. It was crystal clear in one thing both said simultaneously: "You're just like me."

The two of them smiled at each other again, locked each other in a tight embrace, and shared a passionate kiss again. As soon as they broke it, Shinji decided to make an offer.

"You know...there's still a lot of daylight left," he began, "and Misato won't be home for a while. You sounded like the date wasn't that good, so...would it be all right if I took you out on a 'make-up' date? Maybe to a movie?"

Asuka kept her glowing smile as she answered. "...Yes. It would." With that, the two of them got up, got their shoes on, locked the door, and headed out into the city.

As she listened to their departing footsteps from her own abode, Rei's smile grew even wider. "Well, this went better than I'd hoped," she said, congratulating herself. "All right, sappy stuff's done, back to making NERV HQ freak out..." She then went to her vault to look for ideas of what to do next on the 'mischief' side of Beetlejuice's plan.

**Downtown, a few minutes later...**

Shinji and Asuka strolled along the 'miracle mile' of Tokyo-3, hand-in-hand, looking for a movie theater. Eventually, they came upon one they hadn't noticed before in all their time in the city. It was an art-house cinema, specializing in classic pre-Second Impact films, foreign films, and experimental pictures. Shinji grabbed a program and the two of them leafed through it, seeing what was playing.

"Huh," Shinji noticed, "says here right now they're doing a retrospective on an American filmmaker."

"Which one?" Asuka asked out of curiosity.

"Let's see...Edward Wood, Jr." he confirmed.

Asuka's eyes widened as she let out a light chuckle. "Ed Wood? Seriously? Wow, Gerta would've freaked..."

"Say what?" Shinji asked.

"Gerta was my RA at the dorm I stayed at in college," Asuka explained. "She was a huge film buff, used to yak and yak about 'film this', 'film that'. One time she told me about a guy considered to be the worst director in American film, and his name was Ed Wood. She told me his films were so campy, so low-budget, so BAD, they're hilarious. Let's do this! I wanna see if what she's told me is true."

Shinji agreed, and the two got their tickets at the box office and headed inside. They decided to see one of the Wood films showcased, 1959's _Plan 9 from Outer Space_. After getting their snacks at the concession, they found their seats just as the movie started.

**Eighty minutes later...**

Shinji and Asuka were still laughing by the time they got back to the apartment. It was the first time in a long time that either of them had laughed this hard, and all it took was the worst movie ever made.

"That has got to be the worst acting I've ever seen!" Shinji said between laughs. He then imitated the character of Eros. "'Those whom we're using cannot think.'"

Asuka joined him in the line-for-line mockery. "'A flying saucer? You mean the kind from up there?'" She pointed upwards.

"'Yeah, either that or its counterpart'," Shinji replied in turn.

Both burst into laughter again at the ridiculousness of that dialogue. Right at that moment, Kaji and Misato arrived at the door. The two pilots looked up at them, and their laughter died down as soon as they saw the state of their guardian and her ex. Both of them looked haunted by something, and their hair stood up-literally. A couple of streaks would've had Misato as a fashionable Bride of Frankenstein.

"What happened to you guys?" Asuka asked.

"You look like you've seen a-" Shinji started to say.

"DON'T say it," Misato and Kaji both said.

**NERV HQ, the Geofront, that same evening...**

Gendo headed towards his office. This time he wouldn't just be thinking; no, this time, for the first time in a long while, he'd be drinking. With what he'd seen at the cemetery, Lord knows he needed it. As soon as he opened his office door, he was again taken aback by the sight before him. Instead of his office, before him was a Gothic-looking laboratory, with a barber's chair in the center. Standing next to it was Beetlejuice in the form of Edward Scissorhands (minus the lack of color). Unlike that sullen character, 'BJ Scissorhands' had a twisted smile on his face.

"What'll it be, four-eyes?" he cheekily asked, "just a lil' off the top, or full-on buzz cut?" He snipped the scissors on his fingers on one hand in anticipation.

Gendo gasped momentarily before slamming the door behind him. He felt his heart beating fast, his eyes going wide. Taking a moment to settle himself, he opened the door slowly, and again was met with the sight of his own office, as if nothing had been disturbed. He slowly made his way inside with some trepidation before finally sitting down in his chair. Uncharacteristically of him, he pressed a switch on his desk and turned on the lights. He then opened a drawer and took out a bottle of scotch and a glass. As soon as he removed the top, he poured himself a drink and took a long, long swig of it, savoring every drop. And it wouldn't be his first one that evening. Nor the last for a long while.

**END Chapter 2.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Probably the most WAFF-y-filled thing I've written for this site so far. Gotta give props to Panther2G for his ****_Advice _****on handling the blossoming romance of Shinji and Asuka (so much that I'm riffing on his work). Yep, part of Beetlejuice's plan involved shipping them! Won't be the only time that happens, as we'll find out next chapter with what happened to leave Kaji and Misato in such a hair-raising state of shock. (And later on with another long-simmering pair...)**

**The Burton shout-outs continue! Misato's comeback to Ritsuko is a small nod to ****_Corpse Bride _****(2005), Shinji and Asuka's movie date calls back to the Oscar-winning biopic ****_Ed Wood _****(1994), and lastly we have Gendo nearly offered a trim by a comic facsimile of ****_Edward Scissorhands _****(1990). Not to say Gendo WON'T get a new 'hairdo'...It's just a matter of ****_when_****...Heh heh heh heh...**


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - Leiliel: Do or Die(t)**

The next morning was a bit quirky for the residents of the combined Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu household. For once, Shinji and Asuka slept very well, for the first time in years. It helped that they slept together-not THAT together-in the same bed, comforting one another. Misato, on the other hand, looked like she hadn't slept a wink. After hearing about what she and Kaji had encountered on their way back to the apartment, the pilots could understand why. Misato didn't even have her usual morning beer, something that unsettled them a tiny bit. Misato, in turn, was a little spooked by a subtle change between her two charges. It took her about a minute before she finally posed the question, her eyes darting between the two of them as she lifted her coffee cup to her lips.

"So..." Misato started to ask, "when did you two get so chummy?"

Shinji and Asuka's eyes went up, as they turned to each other for a moment, unsure of how to answer. Finally, they both released a synchronous sigh and then began to smile.

"Since yesterday afternoon," Asuka answered. "We, uh, had a long talk and found that we...weren't really all that different."

"It felt nice, actually," Shinji added, "after that, I offered to help salvage the rest of her day. We both went to a movie, and...well, that's when you and Mr. Kaji came in."

Misato looked at them with a trace of slight skepticism as she sipped her coffee. When she put her mug back down, another question came out of her mouth. "Did you two kiss at all?"

Both pilots blushed at hearing this, but realized that since the cat was already halfway out of the bag, any attempt to stop it further was futile. "Yes," they both replied. Misato simply smiled at their answer.

"Well, all I can say is..." Misato said, "...what took you so long?"

There was a pause that lasted for all of a minute before all three burst into laughter. At that moment, a knock was heard at the door. Shinji got up to answer it, and found Rei at the door, ready to head off to school with her friends.

"Hi-diddly-ho, neighborinos!" she cheekily greeted.

"Oh boy," Misato groaned, remembering the many nights of _Simpsons_ reruns during her college years. "Don't forget about your sync test later today, guys!" she reminded them as they headed out the door.

"We won't!" all three replied as they left on their way.

**The school, four hours later...**

When lunch rolled around and the group of six convened up on the roof, three of their number found themselves shocked by the newfound surprise of Shinji and Asuka not only in love, but having hit the ground running at the start of their relationship. The two of them told everyone of the events that led to their newly-bloomed romance, leaving them more speechless than when they first saw the two pilots walking up to the school holding hands. As soon as Asuka finished her end of the story, a bit of silence followed, the only sounds heard being Rei nibbling on her own lunch. Finally, Hikari took a long sip of her drink, wiped her mouth with a napkin, cleared her throat, and then spoke.

"First off," the class rep began to say as she put her can down, "_not cool_ that you ditched Kodama's friend like that, bore that he may be. Secondly..." Hikari clasped her hands together as her face beamed with unbridled joy. "OHMYGAWDI'MSOHAPPYFORYOUTWO!" Shinji and Asuka looked at her bewildered, as did Toji and Kensuke, sitting on either side of Hikari. Rei just kept going after her lunch as she watched with amusement.

Hikari then regained some of her composure as she continued, putting her hands on Asuka's shoulders. "Asuka, you're my best friend, and I love you, but you and Shinji beating around the bush stopped being funny a long time ago. I always knew you two would be great together, you just needed the right push! Thank goodness for whoever gave it!"

_No problem_, Rei thought to herself with an internal chuckle.

"And to think," Kensuke began to say, "all it took to cement your new bond was a lousy movie. How bad was it, anyway?"

"Oh, it was TERRIBLE," Asuka answered with a wave of her hand.

"The flying saucer they had?" Shinji started to say, "I've seen grade school arts-and-crafts projects look better than the pie tin or hubcap or whatever it was they used."

"Shinji and I, I kid you not, could barely hold it together throughout the entire movie," Asuka added with a giggle, "we were laughing so loud they nearly threw us out!"

"Sounds like a riot," Toji said as he dug into his bento.

"Say Hikari," Asuka started to say, "considering we gave you all the sordid details, I've got an idea I wanna run by you."

"What's that?" Hikari asked.

"You and Toji wanna join us for a double-date after school? We've got a couple of hours before our latest test at HQ before then."

Toji nearly choked after hearing that, while Hikari gave off a bright blush. Both were flabbergasted.

"NOW who's been beating around the bush," Shinji said, making Kensuke and Rei snicker.

"Don't deny it," Asuka chided smugly, "even we knew you two've been sweet on each other for a while now, so let's make it official already!"

Both Hikari and Toji looked at one another before they each let out a defeated sigh. Like it or not, their pilot friends were right.

"I guess you could say Hikari took 'the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach' seriously," Rei said.

Hikari nodded in agreement. It was true, her cooking was what actually got her and Toji to really connect. That, and they'd introduced their respective younger sisters, Sakura and Nozomi, to one another, resulting in them becoming both fast friends...and banes of their older siblings' existence.

"I..." Hikari started before looking at Toji, who nodded a 'yes'. "Sure! But let's take it slow for a bit. How about we make it a group outing?" she asked, looking towards Rei and Kensuke.

"Eh, sure, no problem," Asuka answered in agreement. "Any ideas?"

"I've got one," Rei started to suggest, "wanna check out that new karaoke joint they opened up last week?"

"OOH! I've been wanting to go there for a while now," Hikari replied enthusiastically.

"I'm in," Asuka added, "if only just to make the boys squirm a bit."

Said boys shuddered at their mention.

**That afternoon, once school let out...**

The sextet made their way to the entrance to the karaoke spot a few blocks towards the center of downtown. Thankfully, it was located just a short couple of blocks from an alternate NERV entrance, so they could easily get into HQ once they were done. Rei grabbed a song 'catalog' as they all sat at a table a few steps away from the stage, and started perusing the lists. Hikari made the boys promise to do at least one song, which they agreed to. Luckily for them, they found one all three could do easily enough. A minute later, the trio were up on stage doing a Spinal Tap song (along with the requisite air guitar and drums). Once they finished, they walked back to the table to applause from the girls. Asuka then leafed through the booklet till her eyes lit up upon spotting one particular song.

"They have THIS?" she beamed with glee. "OOOOH this just made my day!"

She then hopped up on stage, entered in the code, and launched into a beautiful rendition of an iconic song from the motherland: "99 Luftballoons". Shinji was entranced by the scarlet-topped siren's song, and it showed. Kensuke and Toji traded a few snickers at the expense of their friend's lovestruck face. Asuka finished to the applause of nearly all the establishment's patrons, her own friends included. She and Shinji shared a quick kiss as soon as she got back to the table. Rei was now flipping through the pages for her selection.

"How about this one?" Hikari asked as she pointed to one song on the list. Rei eyed it with one eyebrow raised in a Vulcan fashion: "Fly Me to the Moon".

"BO-ring," Rei replied nonchalantly. "It's been done. Let's see..." She flipped through a few more pages until inspiration struck. "A-HA! This one." She pointed at the song title with her finger for all to see. Asuka and Hikari were surprised-more so when she asked the two of them to sing back-up with her.

**Two minutes later...**

The sounds of a funky guitar were in the air while a mirror ball spun from the ceiling as Rei sang.

Rei: _Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?_

Asuka and Hikari [astonished]: _Shaft!_

Rei: _You're damn right..._

Shinji, Toji and Kensuke just sat at their table, their jaws hanging open at Rei's performance. They were stunned.

Rei: _Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man?_

Asuka and Hikari: _Shaft!_

Rei [winks]: _Can you dig it?_

Rei did a few dance steps before the next verse with great fluidity and grace.

Rei: _Who's the cat who won't cop out, when there's danger all about?_

Asuka and Hikari: _Shaft!_

Rei: _Right on...They say this cat Shaft is a baaad mother-_

Hikari: _Shut your mouth!_

Rei:_...But I'm talkin' about Shaft._

Asuka: _Then we can dig it._

Rei: _He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman..._

Asuka and Hikari: _John Shaft!_

Rei then launched into an air guitar as she followed along to the song's finish, capping it with her doing the splits. The entire place roared with applause as the three girls took their bows.

**Later that afternoon, NERV HQ...**

The three pilots had settled in for another sync test, and things were going smoothly. All staff present for it were a bit jittery from whatever weird shenanigans erupted at random throughout the day, and anxiously looked around for any sign of things that go bump in the night. All that is, except Misato, who still looked a bit sleepy. Ritsuko took notice.

"You all right, Misato?" the scientist asked her friend. "You looked like you barely slept." She then smirked. "Kaji keep you up?"

Misato glared at Ritsuko. "Kaji was involved, yes, but he's NOT the reason I couldn't sleep a wink last night."

"Really?" Ritsuko replied. "So you're back together then?"

Misato sighed. "YES, we are. But how that happened is a very, very strange story..."

**Last night, on the way back to Misato's apartment...**

Minutes earlier, Misato had unfortunately retched in an alley, and was currently being carried back home, her heels in one hand, by Kaji.

"Shouldn't you be past that level of puking at your age?" Kaji asked.

"Sorry I'm that age," Misato slurred in turn.

Kaji smirked. "Guess we're both at that age anyway."

"Damn right we are," Misato said in turn.

"I mean, you're wearing heels," Kaji noted, "time really has gone by, hasn't it?"

"And you still won't get rid of that stubble," Misato replied. "Shave it."

"Yes, ma'am," Kaji responded, still smirking.

Misato then got off Kaji's back and onto her feet. "If you don't mind, I'll walk the rest of the way."

The two of them continued, taking a shortcut through a decently-lit park. It was quiet at this time of night, the only sounds being the buzzing of the cicada population, who somehow got a good deal with Second Impact's changes to the global climate.

"Kaji, do you think I've changed?" Misato asked.

"You've become more beautiful," he replied.

Misato became sullen. "...I'm sorry that I insisted on breaking up with you. When I said I fell in love with somebody else, that was a lie. Did you know?"

The two of them stopped for a moment before Kaji answered with "No."

Misato looked down for a second, before tilting her head back up. "It's just that back then, I realized something. In a number of ways...you were like my father."

Kaji stood there, his expression starting to become serious as Misato continued.

"I wanted a man like my father...When I realized that, I grew afraid. Desperately afraid...Of being with you, Kaji...Of being a woman...I was afraid of everything. I'd hated my father, but in the end I fell in love with someone just like him..." Misato turned to look the other way, before facing Kaji again. "I chose NERV, intending to make a clean break with my past; but even that was an organization my father used to belong to. In the end, I've been fooling myself by taking revenge against the Angels."

Kaji spoke to try and reassure her. "That was your call, Katsuragi. You don't owe me an apology."

Misato felt different. "No, that wasn't a conscious decision at all! It was just me running away, from my father's shadow. Now I know how Shinji feels. I'm a freaking coward..."

Kaji kept his eyes on her as she let out a sob. She then spoke again. "I'm really sorry, telling you all this now...All because I drank too much..."

"That's enough," Kaji said, the carefree attitude of his held back for now.

"I'm such a child..." Misato sulked. "I've got no right to tell Shinji anything..."

"I said that's enough!" said Kaji, raising his voice.

Misato kept going with her self-deprecation. "On top of that, I'm underhanded enough that I just cling to men when it suits me! For all I know, I could've been just using you back then...God, I'm so pathetic. No wonder I hate myself..."

"That's enough, Katsuragi! Stop it!" Kaji barked.

Both were broken out of their reverie by the sound of clapping from the shadows.

"Bravo, brah-voh," the voice of the newcomer said. "A fantastic performance, a scene many a playwright could only dream of! Keep that up, and you'll be darlings of the stage in no time."

The newcomer then stepped further out of the shadows of the trees nearby, revealing his appearance to Misato and Kaji. He was a man in what looked to be his mid-to-late 20's, and appeared to be of European descent. His dark hair was styled as such that a few of his bangs stood out in contrast to his forehead. He wore dark overcoat that almost looked like a cape, a white dress shirt that looked more like it belonged in the 19th century, dark slacks, and a most peculiar jeweled pendant around his neck. He held an ornate cane in his right hand; Kaji and Misato noticed slightly long fingernails. What stood out even more, the two noticed, was the man's unearthly pallor-he was even paler than Rei Ayanami. Also, Kaji could've sworn he saw the man's very...pointy eyeteeth.

"While I've been quite fascinated with this tragic display of Oedipal self-pity," the man said, "I feel that at this point, you really should hear your companion out, miss."

The two stood there dumbstruck.

"How...How long have you been standing there?" Misato asked. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough to know that you've got quite the Hedgehog's Dilemma yourself," replied the man, "even more so than your ward. Shinji is your ward, correct? Not the point, the point is that you really had no reason to do this to yourself. Sure, you were harmed, but what about those you've harmed in turn? In case you haven't been paying attention all this time, in spite of the damage you inflicted upon him, Mr. Kaji here still carries a torch for you, and has been all along. Isn't that right?" he asked as he looked in Kaji's direction, a slight smirk on his face.

Kaji stood there stunned for a moment, and then looked to Misato.

"Kaji...Is this true?" Misato asked. Kaji nodded.

"Let me put it this way, Katsuragi," Kaji started to say. "You're not the only one running from your past. I..." he paused for a bit before continuing, "My brother and I, we were orphaned by Second Impact. We joined up with a group of kids, regularly stealing food from army stockpiles to survive. I got careless one day and got caught...The troops forced me to reveal where our hideout was, where we all were. They rounded them up, set them up in front of a firing squad. They called me a traitor before being shot dead..."

Misato's mouth hung open, as she couldn't believe what she was she was hearing.

"I joined up with the government to make sure nothing like that happened again," Kaji finished. "Before all that, thanks to you I thought I could be happy again. When we broke up, it really got to me. I...started putting on an act, to help keep me going. But I still held out hope that somehow, some way, we could get past our problems and try again. Honestly...I'd be an even bigger wreck without you in my life."

Misato was touched by Kaji's words. She'd never seen this side of him in all the time they'd been together. She moved closer to Kaji, and the two locked into a passionate kiss. It was their mutual way of agreeing to indeed give it another try, right then and there. They disengaged as they turned back to the pale stranger.

"I believe a Mister William Joel once wrote 'Yes, they're sharing a drink called loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone," the stranger said. "Take it from me, you two-for someone who's lived as long as I have, putting a vast distance between myself and those I've shared my life and love with, all for the inane goal of protecting oneself, leads to nothing in the long run. The Hedgehog's Dilemma is a fallacy; don't let your lives be ruled by fallacy. I myself was under its sway for far too long. Don't make that same mistake, and tell others to do the same. There are some people who really could use those words."

Both Kaji and Misato smiled as they nodded in affirmation at the stranger, no longer in a state of feeling sorry for themselves at this time. He himself let a smile emerge on his own face for the moment, before he began to walk away.

"Now, if you don't mind," he began, "I'd best be on my way. I've another appointment to keep." He started towards the direction they'd just come from before Misato stopped him momentarily.

"Hold on a sec-" she said.

The stranger turned around and looked at the two of them. Kaji held his hand out as Misato continued.

"We just wanted to thank you, Mister...?"

"Collins," the stranger replied, "Barnabas Collins. The pleasure's all mine." He then took Kaji's hand and shook it. Kaji noted that Collins's hand felt very icy...too icy...Collins then took Misato's hand and gave it a small kiss, causing her to experience a brief chill down her spine. Collins then turned around and continued on his path, but not before he spoke some last words to Kaji and Misato.

"Oh yes, one other thing," he began to say, "While you're continuing on your way home, do stay on the pavement if you will."

Misato and Kaji looked at each other, confused. "Uh...why, exactly?" Misato asked.

"The trees usually get very antsy at this time of night," Collins warned. "It's best to stay out of their way." With that, he continued on his way, disappearing into the shadows.

Misato and Kaji looked at each other again, before turning around at the sound of some rustling of leaves. They looked at the trees behind them, which all of a sudden turned around, revealing an assortment of demonic-looking visages. Kaji and Misato's eyes grew wide at the terrifying sight. The scary-looking trees began panting in anticipation, causing goosebumps to appear on Misato and Kaji's respective skins, until finally, the trees said something-or rather, shouted something:

**"BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!"**

It didn't matter that these two rekindled lovers had seen a lot of conflict in their lives, were veterans of a number of battles-even this was enough to spook a spook like Kaji.

Misato and Kaji screamed in horror, their hair literally standing up on end, and ran like hell down the path out of the park, eventually slowing down once they reached the familiar apartment block where Misato lived. It was right then where they eventually met up with Shinji and Asuka at the front door.

"What happened to you guys?" Asuka asked.

"You look like you've seen a-" Shinji started to say.

"DON'T say it," Misato and Kaji both said.

Meanwhile, floating above nearby were Beetlejuice and Naoko.

"Was that really necessary?" she asked, regarding scaring Misato and Kaji senseless.

"Hey, gimme a break," Beetlejuice replied, "it wouldn't be a horror story if people didn't get scared by creeps n' creatures."

"*SIGH* I suppose..." Naoko said. "Who was that gentlemen they met earlier, anyway?"

"Ah, Barny?" Beetlejuice replied. "He's a 200-something-year shmoe I crossed paths with. Owed me a favor."

"He's really a vampire?" she asked.

"Yeah," he answered, "but more of the 'lovable rogue' type."

**The control room, present day...**

Ritsuko stared at Misato with her mouth agape.

"Happy?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko nodded and looked back at her clipboard. Misato wasn't kidding when she said it was a very, very strange story-and who wouldn't, considering she and Kaji apparently got relationship advice from someone who looked like a vampire and got the crap scared out of them by monster-faced trees? _Ugh_, Ritsuko mentally groaned, _great, now the weirdness has spread outside the Geofront. What's next, my cat goes full-on Exorcist and starts belting out Satanic 'yo momma' jokes?_

Misato, meanwhile, was juggling a few other things on her mind besides her and Kaji's little brush with the supernatural last night. Earlier that day, she found Kaji making his way into Terminal Dogma. He in turn showed her what he'd been looking for: the giant, white Angel NERV had been keeping in their basement the entire time. Kaji at this point came clean about his work with the government in investigating both NERV and SEELE, and now that Misato had seen this, she agreed to be a 'silent partner' of his. Still, after what they'd encountered last night and now this, was anything going to be surprising anymore?

Her train of thought was interrupted when Maya announced the near-completion of the test. She bent over to Maya's station.

"How's the Third Child doing?" she asked the tech.

Maya smiled over her shoulder as she brought up a simplified results chart. "See for yourself."

Misato looked over it, and found herself surprised. "A six percent jump over the last test? Are these for real?...Wow."

Maya nodded in agreement. "And it's not just him-the Second Child's up four percent. Shinji's caught up to her-in fact, he's peaking ahead of her by a hair on some of the other harmonics, though he can't seem to stabilize it."

"What about Rei?" Misato asked. "Is this just due to the modified equipment we're testing?"

"I checked her, too. It's amazing-Rei's up, WAY up than before. She's actually neck-and-neck with Asuka, it's downright eerie. I'll try to isolate the cause."

"One thing's for sure," Misato said, "his confidence will get a nice boost. And it'll spur Asuka on to stay ahead." She then pressed the button to activate the commlink. "Can you hear me, Shinji?"

Shinji opened his eyes in the test plug, looking pretty happy for once. "How's my score look?"

Misato gave him a thumbs-up as she answered. "You're up six points this time-tied with Asuka!"

Shinji's smile broadened, thanks to this rare bit of straight praise. Asuka snorted sarcastically in her plug.

"No doubt because of my influence!" she boasted. "Be grateful for how much of me's rubbed off on you, Third Child!" She then quickly cut her comms as she covered her mouth with her hands as she giggled to herself. _Way to go, sweet baka_, she grinned as she thought of how much of her rubbed off on him in another way. _Ah, I love those sweet little musician's fingers of his_...Her thoughts then turned to her mother, how she would have liked Shinji. How Shinji makes her happy...

Meanwhile, Maya narrowed her eyes as Asuka's graph began to wobble upwards by another half-point. She turned her attention to the display screens of all three pilots. Rei had a beatific grin on her face, Shinji was still all smiles as he chatted with Misato, and Asuka looked very peaceful.

"Hey Asuka," Maya started to say, "whatever you're doing, keep at it-you just went up another half-point!"

Misato took notice of this. "She's right Asuka. You're number one again."

Shinji sighed and gave a shrug. "Oh well. Fun while it lasted," he said nonchalantly.

**Topside, around the same time...**

Meanwhile, on the surface, a black shadow began to form on a side street. It wasn't an ordinary shadow though; it grew, getting bigger and spreading wider. It was a shadow that thought. Leiliel, the Angel of Night, was here-and hungry.

**"Hmmm, quite the smorgasbord laid before me,"** it said. **"I suppose it must be devoured before I reach Father. I'm certain he'll understand..."**

A few hours later, the alarms were blaring as everyone in the Geofront scrambled to address the new threat.

"I'm here!" said a panting Misato, who'd just run to Central Dogma.

"You're late," Ritsuko said with some dark humor.

"_Sor-ry_," Misato apologized with just a tinge of sarcasm, "What's the situation?"

Shigeru brought up the camera feeds onto the big screen. Soon all in Central Dogma were looking at a giant, black-and-white-striped orb floating above the city.

"It just appeared out of nowhere, Major," Shigeru reported. "No word of warning whatsoever."

"Pattern orange-no AT-field detected," Makoto confirmed.

"What's that mean?" Misato asked.

"New kind of Angel?" Ritsuko speculated. "At least it's not one of those weird creatures that have been running amok on base."

"I hear that," Makoto added, "I decided to have the MAGI try to determine a proper pattern for all this other phenomena. Still no identifying pattern just yet."

"Hope it comes up with something soon," Misato said, "if there's going to be a gremlin on the next VTOL I fly on, I wanna see it coming. Speaking of the MAGI, what's the current analysis?"

"MAGI's withholding judgement for now," Maya replied.

"Seriously? What _else_ could it be?" Misato muttered to herself. "And Commander Ikari just HAD to be gone at a time like this. EVA status?"

"Already topside," Makoto replied, "they're just arming right now."

"Patch me through to the pilots," Misato commanded. Makoto did just that. "Pilots, do you read me?"

"Ten-four, good buddy," Rei replied with a slight Southern twang, causing Misato to slightly roll her eyes. No one had noticed that Unit-00 now sported a small 'mole' on its face-a black and white-striped mole with crazy-looking eyes. Beetlejuice hitched a ride so he could make a last-minute 'first impression' on the Angel.

"We're sending you all the data we have on the target," Misato informed them. "We're in the dark about most of it, so approach carefully and observe its reactions. If possible, try and lure it outside the city limits. One of you's on point, the other two on back-up."

"Roger," all three pilots replied.

"I'll take point," Rei volunteered.

"You sure?" Shinji asked concernedly.

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing," Rei simply replied with a small amount of ham, cocking her rifle.

Something about what Rei just said triggered something nostalgic in Misato for a brief moment. "Gee, where have I heard that before...?"

The three EVAs ran up and took cover behind a few buildings, peering around the corners at the Angel. They all thought the same thing: no core in sight, no eyes, nothing, so where to attack?

"Everyone in position?" Rei asked.

"All set," Shinji replied.

"Will be, just need to change to a new cable," said Asuka as she did so. "Now I'm good. Here's the plan: Third, you fire a warning shot, see if it flinches. Rei fires a follow-up, then I'll strike with the axe."

"Got it," Shinji acknowledged. With that, he reached around the corner of the building, aimed, and fired away. The bullets passed right through the orb, shocking everyone. Said orb then vanished from view.

"What the-it's gone!" Ritsuko said in an astonished tone.

"Pattern blue! Angel confirmed-right below Unit-01!" Makoto reported urgently.

Misato spun in his direction. "WHAT?!"

Asuka looked down below Shinji. "Shinji, under your feet!"

Shinji looked down and saw that a shadow had emerged beneath him and was growing larger, fast. Asuka and Rei leaped out of the way, with Unit-02 perched on a building. Shinji tried to follow suit, but the shadow proved to be like quicksand: the more he struggled, the faster he sunk. Attempts were made to eject the entry plug, but the signal was jammed by Leiliel. Leiliel itself finally spoke.

**"Mmm, grape flavor,"** it mused. **"I wonder if the other two are cherry and blueberry..."**

"Great," Asuka muttered, "another glutton Angel." She continued to pull Shinji out by hand, with Rei assisting her.

In Central Dogma, hearing the shadow speak confirmed a few things for those gathered.

"The shadow's the Angel?!" Misato asked.

"It looks that way," Ritsuko surmised, "which means, if my theory's right, the orb we saw is actually the shadow." She then began to make a model on her tablet with advanced calculations. "From what I've been able to put together right now, the Angel's a living Sea of Dirac that's three nanometers thick, and exists using an inverted AT-field that allows it to be in two places at once: here in our world, and in the dimensional plane that anything it swallows falls into. If we don't do something fast, Shinji'll be next to go!"

It was taking all of Asuka and Rei's strength to keep Shinji from sinking any further. Leiliel appeared to be toying with them, acting like a fly-fisherman that just landed a big bite. **"That's it, struggle all you want!"** it taunted. **"You're still going to be a morsel in my digestive tract!"**

Rei at that moment decided to give Beetlejuice the 'high sign'. "It's showtime!" she whispered. Beetlejuice smiled and leaped into action. He sprung off of Unit-00's face and expanded his size, till he grew into a large striped oblong shape. All in Central Dogma saw it happen.

"Major!" Makoto shouted, "the MAGI picked up the pattern of...whatever that thing was!"

"Well, what is it?" Misato asked.

"Pattern..." Makoto began to report, before his eyes grew wide at the result, "tie-dye?!"

"WAT," Ritsuko said, utterly dumbfounded. She looked over on Makoto's monitor along with a just-as-confused Misato, and sure enough, there it was: the MAGI registered Beetlejuice's pattern as tie-dye. They then turned back to the big screen to see the action.

Once Beetlejuice entered the shadow, it convulsed, as if Leiliel had just tasted something awful.

**"What the-?"** Leiliel uttered, confused, before it started quivering. **"Oh, I don't feel so good..."**

With that, the Angel of Night did something no one expected: it spit Unit-01 out, which took Units-02 and -00 along for the ride, eventually landing a few blocks from the edge of the shadow. All of Central Dogma was stunned.

Inside the Sea of Dirac, Beetlejuice assumed his regular form and looked around. He was in a white void of some sort, with parts of the city already floating around. He whistled before speaking to Leiliel.

"Wowsers, someone's got a big appetite," Beetlejuice mused. "Leiliel, was it? How 'bout savin' some for the rest of us? Not like yer the only one at the buffet!"

**"What in the progenitor's name are you doing in here?"** Leiliel asked. **"Get out! You taste disgusting!"**

"You wanna talk disgusting?" Beetlejuice quipped. "Take a look in the mirror-ya _really_ let yerself go! Looks like SOMEBODY'S gotta drop some weight! And I know _just_ how to get ya ta do it..."

With that, Beetlejuice spun in a circle as he shape-shifted, stopping when he assumed his new form. It was one that quickly inspired fear in the Angel-rightly so, considering it WAS Leiliel's biggest fear. **"N-no...not him...ANYONE but him!"**

Beetlejuice now had a slightly rounder face, a long perm hairdo, a slight paunch in his belly, and was dressed in a black-and-white-striped jersey top, short neon pink gym shorts, and sneakers.

Were it not for him retaining his colors, he was a spitting image of exercise guru Richard Simmons.

A couple of attractive female ghouls in 80's-styled aerobics gear joined him in a flash of light. All three were on mats, and a medium-size boombox was right next to him. The trio immediately got into the groove of moving to some tunes, further frightening the Angel of Night.

"Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns!" Beetlejuice-as-Simmons implored as he turned on the boombox.

Back in Central Dogma, Maya noticed something on her monitor.

"Picking up some audio!" she reported. "It's coming from...inside the Angel?!"

"Put it through," Misato ordered. Maya complied, and synced it with the video on the big screen.

"That's weird," Maya noted, "it sounds like...K.C. and the Sunshine Band?!"

That comment inspired much confusion among the staff. Soon enough, the music could be heard from the shadow by all three EVAs.

_Shake shake shake_

_Shake shake shake_

_Shake your booty_

_Shake your booty_

Leiliel quivered even more, until finally the shadow shrank quickly and the orb reappeared. Though it didn't stay an orb for long-soon it changed form, into something resembling...

"Homer Simpson?!" Makoto wondered, dumbstruck.

The now-Homer-shaped shadow of Leiliel screamed in terror as the music continued, before finally blinking out of this dimension. Everyone in Central Dogma and in the EVAs (save for Rei) were stunned once again by the hasty, fearful retreat of an Angel. They then noticed the music was still going. All three EVA's looked down to see Simmons-juice and his assistants still sweatin' to the oldies on the ground.

_Shake shake shake_

_Shake shake shake_

_Shake your booty_

_Shake your booty_

"Uh, Misato..." an increasingly-unnerved Shinji began to ask.

"All pilots, return to base," Misato ordered warily. "_And step on it._"

"Don't have to tell me twice," Asuka said, growing more uncomfortable the longer she stayed where she was. Soon, all three EVAs ran back to their launch bays, while Beetlejuice and co. vanished in a puff of smoke.

**The EVA cages, later...**

Long after the EVAs had been secured and everyone left the cages, the lights went off. However, some activity was still going on within the cores of EVA-01 and 02; the souls of Yui Ikari and Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu were in contact with one another.

"Kyoko?" Yui inquired. "You in there?"

"I...I'm here, Yui," she replied.

"Did you see what happened earlier?" Yui asked.

"See it? I got freaking _flashbacks_ of my mom in front of the TV moving and grooving along to that in tacky workout gear!" Kyoko shuddered. "What WERE we thinking, back then...?"

"Never mind that," Yui said. "It just begs the question-what the hell has Naoko unleashed?!"

Were anyone in the cages right then, they could almost see Unit-01 and 02 sport slightly disturbed looks on their faces.

**Gendo's office door, much later...**

Gendo had just gotten back from the mission debriefing, which proved to be another in a series of great big chips into his scenario. The fact that it involved something resembling Richard Simmons made it even more unsettling to him, and he rarely became unsettled. When he finally reached his office door, he hesitated for a moment before finally turning the knob and opening it. Unfortunately for him, it happened again: his office was gone, this time replaced with what looked like something out of a Las Vegas casino's showroom. Music was playing, and the floor was filled with dancers. Not just dancers though-they were Martians. Butt-ugly Martians, with heads that resembled brains atop skulls, encased in space helmets atop strange looking space suits. Some of them were even doing 'the Carlton'. On stage was Beetlejuice, in the form of a ghoulish Tom Jones, singing away:

_It's not unusual to be loved, by anyone..._

_It's not unusual to have fun, with anyone..._

_But when I see you hanging about, with anyone..._

_It's not unusual, to see me cry._

_I wanna die..._

Gendo, dumbstruck, slammed the door behind him. After taking a few deep breaths and swallowing, he slowly opened the door again, and saw his normal office there, undisturbed. He slowly and carefully walked in, sat in his chair, turned on the lights, and got the bottle of scotch out again. This time, he didn't bother with a glass, and took a swig straight from the bottle. He really needed it.

**END Chapter 3.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Sorry if the battle with Leiliel was shorter than usual, but considering all that came before it, I didn't mind. Leiliel's defeat is a riff on a deleted scene from a classic episode of ****_The Simpsons_****, "Burns' Heir", involving Mr. Burns ordering Smithers to unleash the robotic Richard Simmons. Rei singing the theme from ****_Shaft _****is another ****_Simpsons _****riff, this one being from the season 2 episode "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish", where Bart and Lisa sing it at a Japanese restaurant. (That and I just thought the idea of Rei singing that particular song was just funny, especially with Hikari's part in it.)**

**Rei, in addition to uttering one of BJ's catchphrases, also quotes the titular lead character of the 80's cop-spoofer show _Sledge Hammer!_.**

**Misato and Kaji, of course, meet Barnabas Collins, the vampiric star of the classic TV series ****_Dark Shadows_****, which was given the big screen treatment by Tim Burton decades later. Gendo of course sees the Martians from ****_Mars Attacks _****(1996), who at one point disintegrate Tom Jones's audience when they invade a casino.**

**I know the fight with Leiliel was crucial in that Shinji began to understand that his mom was in the EVA, but don't worry, he and Asuka will get in contact with their mothers soon in the story. (I'm still thinking of how it'll happen.)**


	5. Chapter 4 - Interlude

**Chapter 4 - Interlude: NERV-2's Feisty Geist-y Free-For-All**

"You mentioned that Collins fellow owed you a favor," Naoko said to Beetlejuice. "Anyone _else_ I should know about?"

Beetlejuice looked at her smugly before he answered.

"Welllll..." he started to say, "Okay, ya caught me. I called in a bunch of favors from some other 'associates' o' mine. Basically, I told them to give the other NERV branches a scare or two, just to mess with 'em. Then the branches'll complain to SEELE, which'll give those old geezers more than a few headaches, which'll hopefully rattle 'em and make 'em get sloppy enough that Kaji-boy'll get plenty of dirt on 'em to expose their plot to the world at large."

"Wait-the other NERV branches are being haunted? Right now?" Naoko asked him incredulously.

"Yep," Beetlejuice replied. "In fact, I hear NERV-2 is havin' an early Halloween party right as we speak..."

**NERV-2, Nevada, United States...**

When the staff of NERV-2 joined the fight against the Angels, they knew they were going to see a lot of strange and unusual things in their line of work.

Nothing prepared them at all for having their base infested with ghosts, goblins, and all manner of spooky things usually relegated to campfire tales, horror movies, and just plain superstition.

Of the staff that made up this branch of the agency, six people in particular had the most contact with our heroes in Japan, though five were all of Japanese descent. The two main EVA pilots on-staff were a couple of teenage girls.

There was Marie Vincennes, a blonde who was like Asuka in terms of being haughty and domineering, but actually put up a 'meek and polite' front when around the adult members of the staff; also like Asuka, she was a prodigy, with a PhD. in fact. Two of her more notable articles of clothing were her headband and the cross necklace she always wore. Marie was the designated pilot of Unit-04.

The other girl was Mari "Illustrious" Makinami, the quirkier of the two pilots, and designated pilot of Provisional Unit-05, an Evangelion of a much different design than the more bipedal models. Mari was half-British, wore her brown hair in a pair of low pigtails, and sported red-rimmed glasses. She seemed to be less inhibited than her fellow pilot, and with quite the foul mouth on her. Still, she and Marie managed to get along. Unlike a lot of her colleagues on base, she seemed pretty excited by the ghosts running amok, having some small fascination with matters of the occult.

The chief science officer for NERV-2 was Dr. Hitomi Kaga, who helped with the research on the dummy plug autopilot system that for now was still in development. When the supernatural shenanigans began, she kept up an air of skepticism until she was scared out of the women's locker room by a group of banshees singing in the showers.

And lastly, as counterparts to Makoto, Maya and Shigeru, NERV-2's three 'bridge bunnies' were Aoi Mogami, Satsuki Ooi, and Kaede Agano. Kaede, the youngest of the trio, was exceptionally bright and savvy with computers; she also was not the biggest fan of monster movies, as proven when she ran from the break room after seeing some coffee-drinking headless horsemen inside. Satsuki, the middle of the trio, actually maintained something of a long-distance relationship with Makoto after they bonded over their mutual love of manga. Aoi, the eldest, was the smartest of the trio and like Dr. Kaga maintained a constant air of skepticism over the haunting their base was currently undergoing, at least until a couple of succubi asked her for directions to the Mirage in nearby Las Vegas.

The presence of the supernatural phenomena unfortunately cut into NERV-2's research into developing artificial S2 organs-mainly because the raw materials, salvaged from the Fourth and Fifth Angels, had been eaten by giant sand worms that had somehow bore through the armored floors of the base's lab.

Not even the EVA's on-base were safe, due to some musically-inclined poltergeist. One day, Mari and Marie were observing a bit of maintenance work on Unit-03, 04, and 05, when something astonishing happened. All of a sudden, the EVA's began moving on their own-and not just moving, but dancing on their own, as the voice of Tina Turner blasted out of the EVA cages' PA system:

_Big wheel keep on turnin' (turnin')_

_Proud Mary keep on burnin' (burnin')_

_Rollin'! Rollin'! Rollin' on the river_

_Say we're rollin'! Rollin'! Rollin' on the river_

_River, doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo..._

For the staff, this was the last straw. They needed to do something about their spectral intruders. So one day, Dr. Kaga and the techs studied some patents belonging to an old professor of hers from her days at Columbia U., a Dr. Spengler. With them, they were able to create some handheld detection devices, a few small containment units, and some particle throwers powered by nuclear material. Mari and Marie volunteered to join them as they hunted down the ghosts in the base. Eventually, during their search, they split into teams of two to cover more ground. Mari and Marie accidentally got separated as they found themselves in separate hallways.

Marie turned a corner in the hallway she was in, where she saw at the other end one of the objects of the search: a green, rotund ghost with an enormous appetite. It was currently floating there, right in her sight. Marie, wide-eyed, slowly grabbed her radio.

"Come in, Mari," she spoke into the radio in a flat, neutral tone.

"Marie? I saw it I saw it I saw it!" Mari said excitedly; she'd encountered the same ghost earlier herself.

"It's right here, Mari. It's looking at me..." Marie described.

"Ugly little goober, isn't he?" Mari said. Said goober slobbered loudly.

"I think he can hear you, Mari," Marie said in turn.

"Don't move-it probably WON'T hurt you unless provoked!" Mari warned her fellow pilot.

Unfortunately, she was too late. Marie screamed as the ghost came closer at great speed...

Mari rushed straight to the hallway where Marie's GPS listed her at. "Marie? Marie!" she called out as she got closer to her location. She finally made it to Marie, who was lying on the floor twitching with disgust, and covered in a strange slime.

"Marie! You all right?! What happened?!" Mari asked with concern.

Marie looked at her fellow pilot with furrowed eyebrows. "HE SLIMED ME."

An beaming smile appeared on Mari's face upon hearing that. "SO COOL! Actual physical contact!"

Mari's radio then crackled as Dr. Kaga called them. "Girls? What happened?"

"We found the ghost!" Mari exclaimed into her radio. "Marie got slimed!"

"We just found it this minute," Dr. Kaga replied. "Get down to the mess hall right away. And save me a sample of that slime!"

"I feel so funky," Marie said, un-amused.

**END Interlude.**

****Author's Note**  
I decided that the events of this story would in fact inadvertently prevent one of the more notable events in the ****_Evangelion _****canon: the disappearance of NERV-2 in Nevada, something never really resolved. I figured, Beetlejuice would probably have some of his fellow ghosts and ghouls give the other NERV branches a hard time, which has the effect of curbing some of their more dangerous experiments.**

**I decided to staff NERV-2 with some of the extra-canonical EVA characters (along with Mari from the ****_Rebuild _****films), just to throw them a bone. (As of this time, I've no idea where I could use Mayumi and Mana.)**

**Of course, the whole setup of this chapter is a big riff on the Sedgewick Hotel sequence from ****_Ghostbusters_**** (yes, a non-Burton film)****.**

**NERV-2's haunting will come into play in the following chapter...**


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 - Dream a little dream, Gendo...**

In a darkened office, a discussion was taking place between Gendo and the Human Instrumentality Committee. To say the members weren't pleased with recent developments would be a massive understatement.

"The Angel FLED?" SEELE-02 asked exasperatingly.

"And it was driven away...by an ectoplasmic _exercise instructor_," SEELE-04 added with incredulity.

Gendo said nothing for a minute before finally responding, his face betraying no emotion. "...Yes."

SEELE-01, Lorenz Kihl, then spoke. "You understand, Ikari, that we're all concerned. GRAVELY concerned, considering the fate of the scenario is now at stake due to the presence of this purported supernatural...phenomena. The Dead Sea Scrolls make no mention of any of this at all, meaning your part in our plans takes greater priority! See to it that the next Angels are killed by your EVAs' hands, or suffer the consequences. Is that understood?"

Gendo was silent again for another minute, before simply responding, "...Yes."

"Good," Kihl replied. The other members 'adjourned' by making their monolithic holograms fade out. As Gendo got up to leave, Kihl got his attention.

"One more thing, Ikari," the elderly cyborg said, "do not think that any of us are unaware you may be planning something of your own behind our backs. Our eyes are everywhere-should you slip up in any way, we WILL know." He then made the motion of 'I'm watching you' with his two right fingers before his hologram faded out.

The lights came back on in the office as Gendo turned to face both Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko.

"If I may, sir," Ritsuko started to say, "why did you have me here while this was going on?"

Gendo looked up from his trademark pose as he turned to address Ritsuko before answering. The way he did so was unlike his past behavior-it was almost frantic, like he was visibly ticked. "Oh, that? I just wanted you to be here, and listen to this song-and-dance that I have to do, that **I** _have to do_, because you all haven't done your job. As you just witnessed, I couldn't get in a word edge-wise. The Committee's boiling mad; and, they've implied, if they don't get results, from any of the Angel battles to come, they will, among other things, terminate our future funding, which will no doubt hamper our fighting ability greatly." He then looked to the side, gripping the arm of his chair with one hand while pointing a finger on the other at Ritsuko. "Am I getting THROUGH TO YOU, DOCTOR?!"

Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki nervously eyed each other before Ritsuko answered. "Yes sir. We'll get back to work right away." She and Fuyutsuki then left the office, with the latter closing the door behind them. Gendo then sat back in his chair, let out a big sigh, and then briefly glanced at his watch.

On their way back down to Central Dogma, Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko talked over what they'd just seen.

"He's never been like this before," the bottle blonde scientist commented.

"Considering the now-greater pressure he's under, it's no wonder he's starting to fray a bit, mentally," the Vice Commander responded. "I'm just worried now about when the breaking point for him will be. On another note, I recently received some new orders regarding NERV-2..."

**Some minutes later...**

"They're sending us _what_?" Misato asked loudly.

It certainly was surprising news that made it her way. According to orders from high up, NERV-2 would be sending Evangelion Unit-03 to Japan.

"According to their official communique," Ritsuko elaborated, "they decided to grant our request for additional reinforcements, considering we appear to be the main 'angel magnet' of the world. They'll be keeping Unit-04 and Unit-05 on standby, though."

"Heh, I bet they're sending it for a different reason," Shigeru said. "We've all heard the rumor mill-supposedly they've got some paranormal activity going on themselves, and now they're sending one of their EVAs because they think it's cursed." Shigeru chuckled as he finished.

"I wouldn't be surprised if their base had been built on some ancient burial ground," Makoto added.

"Or if they angered a gypsy caravan or something," said Maya.

"REGARDLESS," Ritsuko began sternly, "we've got a new EVA in our arsenal, which means the Marduk Institute's selected its pilot, designated Sixth Child. The activation test will be conducted at the Matsushiro site in a few days."

Ritsuko left out something that she and Gendo had discussed, mainly that she'd been ordered to install the dummy system data in EVA-01 and -02. She'd tried to dissuade him, saying that flaws in the system would make it risky to use for EVA-03's activation, but that there was a pilot candidate who could be readied immediately. Later on, Ritsuko decided to tell Misato who the candidate was. As she'd expected, Misato was shocked. Misato knew she'd have to inform Shinji-it was better he knew earlier rather than later, lest he feel like he was lied to.

At school, said pilot was in the middle of a conversation with the rest of his friends as the day wound down.

"So even the other branches have ghosts on the loose?" he asked.

"That's what I heard from Marie," Asuka replied. She'd been good friends with Marie Vincennes since the time where part of her training had taken place at NERV-2, before she returned to Germany. The two had kept in touch since then. "She even got slimed by one that they hunted down all over the base."

"And that's not even counting the dancing EVAs," added Rei, surprising the civilian half of their group of friends. Toji then looked at Kensuke, who everyone knew eagerly wanted to be an EVA pilot.

"Having second thoughts about piloting now?" Toji asked his bespectacled friend.

"Well...," Kensuke started to say, "I still think it'd be cool to face a literal ghost in the machine..."

"Suuuure you would," Asuka sarcastically said.

"Moving on," Kensuke continued, "anyone up for an arcade run after school? I know we've all got some scores to settle..."

"Oh, you know for sure it's on!" Asuka responded. Everyone else nodded in agreement.

An hour later, the bell rung and everyone filed out of the building. The six headed to the arcade and immediately started playing a number of games, from fighting to racing to shooters. The last game they went after saw Asuka squaring off with Hikari on, of all games, an old 90's side-scroller called _Escape from the Big Apple_. Their friends cheered them on as their respective player characters raced to the subway entrance.

"C'mon Asuka! You've only got seconds to make it to Long Island!" Shinji cheered.

"Oh, crap!" Toji exclaimed, "Move it, Hikari! Yankee Stadium's emptying out!"

"And worse, it's 'Nickel Beer Day'!" Kensuke added.

Soon Asuka and Hikari's avatars managed to avoid the mob of drunken fans, only to encounter a new obstacle, one wearing a red tracksuit and a gold medallion.

"Uh-oh! Reverend Al Sharpton!" Rei mockingly cried.

The Sharpton mini-boss started yammering on with a string of 'Blah-blah-blahs' that drained the HP from the girls' player characters, till they were reduced to bones. GAME OVER immediately came on the screen. Both girls sighed, defeated, before the looks on their faces switched to those of determination. "SOMEDAY..." they both said, as the group turned to leave the arcade and go their respective ways home.

Meanwhile, on a train going through the city, Gendo and Fuyutsuki were conversing on the state of things as they looked out the window at the image of the setting sun on the fortress city.

"Once driven from Paradise, man had no choice but to escape to this earthly existence, side by side with death," Gendo mused. "Our own paradise, created by the resourcefulness that this weakest of beings was forced to develop."

"To protect ourselves from the fear of death, to satiate our thirst for pleasure, a paradise we created ourselves," Fuyutsuki said. "Though it does seem this paradise has gotten quite a number of snakes of late."

Gendo knew what his former professor-turned-sub-commander of NERV was referring to. The plague of ghostly encounters in the Geofront had proven to be quite the disruption in the order he had established in his carefully-guarded 'kingdom'. Not to mention how much it aggravated the Committee, which was now breathing down his neck more than ever before. And now it was wearing on his psyche, though he did his best to ignore it or get around it. He did find some solace in the fact that such incidents that weren't depicted in the Dead Sea Scrolls could occur, and would teach the old men a lesson.

Down in a hallway of HQ, sitting in front of a vending machine were Kaji and Maya, talking about a new system being put in place for the city defenses.

"So the intercept system's finally going to be completed, and there's not even one measly party planned?" Kaji mused. "Man, the management here's uptight."

"Well, you know how Commander Ikari is," Maya replied. "So Dr. Akagi told me an interesting story about how you and Major Katsuragi got back together. I take it you guys'll be avoiding the arboretum for a while?" Maya smirked as she finished.

Kaji kept up his charming facade as he answered. "Well, more or less. And I don't think either of us will take up bonsai anytime soon."

"Don't I know it," Misato added as she walked in. "On another topic, there's something I've gotta discuss with you. Lt. Ibuki, if you wouldn't mind?"

Maya nodded as she got up and left, knowing these two liked their private time. What she didn't know was that their topic right now was very far removed from their love life.

Misato's face became serious as soon as they were alone. "You know the secrets of Adam down there, and the Marduk Institute, right?"

Kaji's eyes darted between the sides of the hallway before he answered. "Specifically?"

"You know..." Misato responded. "I wanna know-what's the deal behind the _very convenient_ discovery of the Sixth Child?"

"I'll tell you one thing," Kaji replied before shifting to a whisper, "the Marduk Institute doesn't exist. It's nothing more than a front. NERV itself is pulling the strings. Or more specifically..."

"Commander Ikari?" Misato asked in a hushed tone.

"You want confirmation, check out Code 707," Kaji suggested.

"707...Shinji and Asuka's school?" Misato wondered.

At that moment, said pilots walked in, hand-in-hand. "Hey, Misato!" Asuka called out.

"What's up, guys?" Misato asked, as she and Kaji turned to face them.

"Dr. Akagi wanted to see you about the business trip you're going on in a couple of days," Shinji answered.

"Oh yeah. Thanks for the tip," Misato said as she turned to Kaji again. "I'll catch you later."

"Yes, Ma'am," Kaji replied as he took a drink of his tea. He then turned to the two pilots. "Well, you two look cute together. Fancy a drink?" He pointed to the machine behind him. They nodded and soon were given a can of their own each. The three of them then headed out and sat on a bench overlooking a part of the city where HQ's pyramid structure stood out among the lights.

"Looks like I'm no longer the object of your affections, Asuka," Kaji commented jokingly. "Gotta say, I'm a bit disappointed."

"Well, being with Shinji kinda made me realize it was just a crush, nothing more," Asuka replied. "Turns out I do like the quiet types." She looked at Shinji with a warm smile on her face, which he returned in kind.

"You guys mind if I show you something?" Kaji asked. Both pilots looked at each other for a moment, wondering what he was talking about. A short walk later, their curiosity was rewarded.

"...Watermelons?" Shinji wondered. The two teens looked at the patch Kaji stood next to, a watering can in his hand as he gave his plants a drink.

"I thought they were square in Japan," Asuka wondered.

"Oh, that's just something they came up with for the tourists," Kaji responded. "But yeah, aren't they cute? It's my hobby. But keep it a secret, will ya?"

"So..." Shinji started.

"Why watermelons?" Asuka asked, finishing her boyfriend's thought.

"Well," Kaji started to answer, "it's all about making something...nurturing it. It's a great feeling. You see and learn a lot from the process. Like what it is you enjoy from life."

Shinji looked at the watermelon patch for a bit before speaking up. "And suffering too, right?"

"Not too fond of suffering, are you?" Kaji asked.

Shinji tensed for a bit. "I don't like it." Asuka took his hand and gave him a reassuring look, which restored some of his spirits.

Kaji noticed this with a smile of his own. "I guess that answers the question of you finding anything you enjoy." Both teens slightly blushed at hearing this. "Still, knowledge of suffering makes you appreciate the things you enjoy in life all the more. It's what makes you more than capable of being kind to others. It's another kind of strength, one that's needed more in the world." At that moment, Kaji's cellphone rang, and he answered it. "Yello? Right. I'll let them know." He then hung up and turned to the two pilots. "That was Misato. She says they're starting the sync test. You might wanna start heading that way now..."

**At school, Classroom 2-A, the next day...**

"Stand! Bow! Sit!" Hikari commanded, as per her routine. Just as students were about to get up, the PA system crackled to life with an announcement:

**"Toji Suzuhara, Shinji Ikari, Asuka Sohryu, and Rei Ayanami of Class 2-A, please report to the principal's office."**

Kensuke eyed his friends with bewilderment. "What'd you guys do? Do you have some _triple_ life I'm unaware of?"

Toji glared at Kensuke. "NO. I sure didn't do anything."

"Not me," added Asuka.

"Same here," said Shinji.

"Ditto," said Rei.

With that, the quartet headed to the principal's office, where they were greeted by the secretary, who indicated that they'd arrived. They were soon shown in, where to their surprise, the principal was absent, while Misato and Ritsuko were present. Ritsuko stepped forward with her hand outstretched.

"Toji Suzuhara, I presume?" she asked as he shook her hand. "I'm Dr. Ritsuko Akagi of NERV. I take it you already know Major Katsuragi." At that, he nodded. "It's nice to meet you. To get to the point, we have a very important offer for you. The pilots are here because, at the Major's insistence, they should bear witness, to give their input on said offer."

Toji looked at her before turning to look at his pilot friends, and then turning back to Ritsuko.

"Okay-what's the pitch?" he asked bluntly.

"The Marduk Institute," Ritsuko began, "the administrative body in charge of pilot selection"-Misato, at that moment, purposefully cleared her throat, which momentarily threw Ritsuko off-"has chosen you as the Sixth Child. They want you to be the pilot for Evangelion Unit-03, which is being shipped over here from NERV's branch in America."

Rei looked unfazed by the news, while Asuka and Shinji's jaws were on the floor.

"HIM?" they both asked with no small amount of astonishment.

"ME?" Toji asked with worry.

"Yes," Ritsuko answered, "now, before you say anything further, hear me out, please." Toji straightened himself back up as he paid attention while Ritsuko continued. "I understand your younger sister-Sakura, was it?-was injured in the attack by the Third Angel, and has been recovering in a city hospital for some time. If you decide to become our new pilot, we're prepared to have Sakura transferred to the medical facilities in the Geofront, where she'll be given the most advanced care possible to speed up her recovery. While I don't expect this to be an easy decision for you, I suggest you let our three established pilots here address any concerns you may have."

Toji turned to his friends, looking to them for advice. Except for Rei, they hesitated a bit before speaking.

"*SIGH* All right, you're not exactly who I pictured as pilot material," Asuka said, "so listen up, stooge. What you've been offered is a rare privilege, which means you're one of the select few asked to help save the world by piloting one of the most advanced weapons ever built. Play your cards right, and you'll join yours truly at the top of the heap. Think about it."

Shinji's advice was not as glorifying as his girlfriend's. "Bear in mind, you've seen what piloting is like," he said concernedly, referring to the fight against the Fourth Angel, in which Toji and Kensuke had to be rescued and put into Unit-01's entry plug. "It's not a game at all. People could get hurt. You yourself could be seriously hurt. EVA may be our best chance against the Angels, but it's still a double-edged sword. You risk your life every time you get into the entry plug. In the end, it's your call. Just don't rush into things at first. And don't be goaded into something you'll hate. I've been there." Shinji was reflecting on the less-than-ideal circumstances that got him to pilot Unit-01.

Rei took a more neutral stance with her statement. "Personally, both Shinji and Asuka are right. (Except for the 'top of the heap' part.) Whatever you decide to do, it should still be your decision. Although based on what's being offered to you, I would say take it, for your sister's sake. The faster she's recovered, the better it'll be to see her running around playing happily like other girls her age."

Toji considered all he'd just heard for a moment, before he turned to face Ritsuko and Misato again. "Just gotta ask-Sixth Child? What happened to Four and Five?"

"Oh, them?" Misato answered, "They're still alive, if that's what you're asking. They're currently still based in America. Asuka even corresponds with one of them semi-regularly."

Asuka nodded her head as soon as Toji looked.

"Okay then-so it's all guaranteed?" he asked, wanting clarification. "The best doctors, physical therapists, all that?"

"It is indeed," Ritsuko answered with confidence. "All the terms will be outlined in the contract we'll prepare for you."

Toji looked again at his friends for assurance. Shinji gave an almost reluctant nod in response. Toji turned around and held out his hand.

"I'll do it," he said. Ritsuko shook his hand in return.

"Your cooperation is most welcome, Mr. Suzuhara," Ritsuko said. "We'll have you come by HQ later today to iron out the details, and fit you for a plugsuit, as well as make the arrangements for Sakura's transfer. From there, you'll need to pack an overnight bag for your trip to the Matsushiro site where the EVA will undergo its testing in two days. For now though, something tells me the four of you should get back to class."

All four nodded, and soon exited the office, heading back to their classroom. As soon as they were alone, Ritsuko turned to face Misato with an eyebrow raised.

"Kind of laid it on thick with that cough there, Misato," Ritsuko said.

"Sorry about that-just had a slight throat tickle for a minute," Misato replied. It was the best excuse she could use, considering that ever since Kaji informed her of the Marduk Institute being nothing more than a sham, she'd been starting to see not only Commander Ikari, but Ritsuko in a different light. She was wondering what else her longtime friend and colleague could be hiding.

Later that day, when school let out, Toji approached Hikari and asked her to speak with him somewhere private. Shinji, Asuka, and Rei knew what this was going to entail, so they decided to let their friends be alone. Kensuke wouldn't be a problem, since he had left earlier to catch the train to Yokosuka for the unveiling of a new battleship in the harbor. Once alone, Toji told Hikari of the offer he'd just accepted, inspiring great worry in the class rep that he was now growing closer to. Considering what he'd be doing in the coming two days, they decided to give their first date as a couple a go, with Hikari preparing a special picnic dinner for tomorrow evening. After setting up their plans, they left the school grounds and headed their separate ways, Hikari homeward-bound and Toji to NERV HQ, following his pilot friends.

That night, Gendo decided to skip the drink and go right to bed. He wanted to be sure he was still in control, if not of the situation around him, then of himself at least. Unbeknownst to him, two others had a very different idea for how his sleep would go.

"You're gonna love this one, hon," Beetlejuice said to Naoko. "It's cathartic, maybe has a sprinkle of schadenfreude, but you're gonna love it."

"And what exactly is 'it'?" Naoko asked skeptically.

"We're gonna take a cue from an...'acquaintance' of mine named Freddy," Beetlejuice elaborated. "We're gonna poke around in Beardo McShade's dream and turn it into a good ol'-fashioned nightmare."

"What'd you have in mind?" she asked.

Beetlejuice answered by handing her a movie script. Naoko looked it over, and her eyes went wide with surprise at what she was reading. She then turned to her co-conspirator.

"...You're kidding, right? You want me to do THIS?" she asked in disbelief.

Beetlejuice then assumed the form of Jon Lovitz's Master Thespian from _Saturday Night Live_ when he answered. "I believe it should pose no challenge to someone of your innate talent for...ACTING!" he replied with much dramatic exaggeration.

"How did you know...?" she began to ask, before reminding herself that of course he knew. While science was her primary field of study in her college days, Naoko did dabble in a little something on the side. She hung out with students in the drama department, even being invited to participate in some of their exercises. It was there they found that Naoko was a very capable method actress. It was a skill she didn't utilize as much in her life, but now she found herself calling upon it in her _afterlife_ of all things. Naoko began to study the script while Beetlejuice began preparing her wardrobe and makeup for the little stunt they'd be pulling inside Gendo's dream.

**Inside Gendo's dream, later that night...**

Gendo slightly tossed and turned a bit in his bed as the dream he was having started to change, and not of his own volition.

He found himself at his desk in his darkened office, his hands in his trademark pose as he gazed at the Tree of Life carving on his floor. Suddenly, he heard the door open.

"Sensei? I thought I dismissed you half an hour ago," Gendo said. He looked up, only to see the silhouette in the doorway wasn't Kozo Fuyutsuki. It was female, but it definitely wasn't Ritsuko Akagi. He noticed it looked a bit familiar to him, aside from the wide-brimmed hat atop her head.

"...It's me..._sugar bumps_," said the woman in the doorway in a cool, sinister, yet slightly playful-sounding tone.

Gendo recognized the voice immediately. "...Naoko? You-you're alive? But you should have-"

"Jumped to my death? Is that what you thought? What you intended?" Naoko asked, her face still in shadow. "You set me up over a woman...A WOMAN!...You must be insane..."

Gendo was starting to feel something he hadn't for quite a while: fear. Doing his best to maintain his facade of calm, he kept his eyes on the approaching Naoko as he opened a desk drawer to reach for a pistol he kept inside...

"Don't bother," Naoko said as she pulled out a pistol of her own, pointed at Gendo.

Gendo stopped as soon as he felt that his gun wasn't there. He then stood up and faced his still-in-shadow former flame. "Your usefulness to me ended when you finished the MAGI. You played the part I had for you. Your life is now worthless."

Naoko showed no emotion as she kept smiling. "I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it like...therapy. Heheheh..."

Gendo was starting to grow more nervous, and desperate. "Naoko, wait. Perhaps we could cut a deal..."

Naoko was unfazed as she stepped closer, the shadow beginning to give way in the moonlight reflecting into the office. "A deal? Heheheheh...Oh, Gendo..." Naoko fully stepped out, her appearance greatly startling the commander of NERV as his eyes went wide and his mouth went agape. Naoko was wearing a purple pantsuit with matching gloves and hat, a green-checkered vest over an orange-yellow dress shirt, black shoes with white spats, and a bright pink corsage in the breast pocket of the jacket. Most notably, as Naoko removed her hat, it was revealed that her hair was bright green, her skin chalk-white, and, most unsettling, her bright red lips were set into a wicked-looking grin. "You always were quite a...joker!"

Gendo kept looking at Naoko, then looked at the gun in her hand pointed his way.

"As you can see," Naoko started to say, "I'm a LOT happier these days. Eheeheeheeheehee..."

She started giggling maniacally as almost-whimsical-sounding music began filling the air, right when she pulled the trigger. The first bullet fired hit Gendo right in his left shoulder; she then shot the second right into his gut, causing Gendo to fall back into his chair. The third went right into his heart as she did a mock 'Annie Oakley' pose, while the remaining three bullets went wild all over the office. Naoko fired again, only to hear the distinct 'click' indicating she was out of ammo. She then threw up her hands (and her hat) in triumph.

"Ahahahaha!" Naoko laughed softly to herself. "Hoo, what a day..."

At that moment, Gendo woke up, gasping, breathing heavily, a cold sweat on his face. He looked around at his dark bedroom before laying back down, his eyes still wide open.

Outside in the night air, Naoko reconvened with Beetlejuice as she wiped the makeup off her face. Beetlejuice was clapping rapidly.

"Bravo! Bravo! Bravi-samoa! You did terrific tonight, babe! Ol' Jacko woulda been proud o' ya!" Beetlejuice said as he praised Naoko's performance.

"Though it's something I probably won't do again for a long time," Naoko replied, "I have to admit, that did feel good."

"He's sure gonna feel THAT one in the mornin'," Beetlejuice chuckled as the two of them floated away to prepare for the next couple of days.

**END Chapter 5.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Ah, the 'calm' before the storm that is Bardiel. Here we begin to see Gendo's descent into Cagey madness as Beetlejuice, Naoko and Rei's antics begin to really wear down on him.**

**Now given that BJ's 'intervention' altered the social dynamics set out in the show, this time the pilots are informed of Toji being chosen, and of course since NERV-2 didn't vanish, now they have a new reason to send over Unit-03.**

_**Escape from the Big Apple**_** was one of my favorite jokes from ****_The Critic_****, and just something I paid homage to on the fly as I wrote this chapter.**

**Our major Burton reference this time around comes from one of my all-time favorite movies, the 1989 ****_Batman_****. Naoko and BJ's stunt is of course a riff on Carl Grissom's death at the hands of the newly-minted Joker. And for those curious, the sequel will get a bit of love later in the story, involving ****_Evangelion's _****resident cat lover. Naoko's side interest in theater was of my own invention.**


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 - Bardiel and the limits of good taste**

A large transport aircraft made its way across the sky, carrying with it valuable cargo: Evangelion Unit-03.

"This is Ekta 64 calling Neopan 400, confirm cumulonimbus clouds in your immediate flight path, over," said the control operator.

"This is Neopan 400, cumulonimbus clouds confirmed," the pilot of the aircraft responded. "Doppler radar indicates no hazard. Will maintain course, expect to arrive on schedule."

"This is Ekta 64, roger and out," control said in turn.

Just as the pilot switched off the radio, his co-pilot noticed something out of the corner of his eye. For a moment, he thought he saw something-someone-on the left wing of the plane. He looked forward, blinked, then looked at the wing again, only to see nothing. He shrugged and looked forward again, only to catch a glimpse of someone on the wing again-this time, actually seeing someone. Someone who was doing a jig on the wing while making silly faces at him.

"Hey, what's got you so wired?" the pilot asked, noticing the co-pilot's odd behavior.

The co-pilot blinked before turning to the pilot. "There's...somoneonthewing!...Some...thing!"

The pilot looked at his co-pilot skeptically before shaking his head. "*SIGH* Last time I let you catch a _Twilight Zone_ marathon before going on duty..."

Unknown to the both of them, said 'someone' oozed its way back into the recesses of Unit-03. Once back in, Bardiel, the Angel of Haze, smiled smugly underneath the EVA's armor. **"I ****_love_**** messing things up,"** it said to itself.

**Misato's apartment, morning...**

Shinji and Asuka were seeing Misato off as they got ready for school. Misato had her bag with her, as she was going to be heading to Matsushiro.

"I'll be out for the next few days," Misato said, "but Kaji will be keeping an eye on you two, so don't worry. Just don't do anything I wouldn't do." She winked as she finished.

"Har har har," Asuka said in response.

"I just hope the test goes okay," Shinji said.

"I doubt there'll be any problems," Misato said, "especially with Ritsuko around."

"It's not the EVA I'm worried about," said Shinji.

"Toji's a big boy, baka," Asuka said to reassure him, "I'm sure he'll be fine."

Soon the trio heard a knock at the door. Upon opening it, they found Kensuke, head bowed, next to a clearly amused Rei.

"Good morning!" greeted Kensuke. "I've come today with a request, Major Katsuragi!"

All three just stared at him as they awaited his request.

"PLEASE!" he pleaded, "Make me the pilot for Evangelion Unit-03!"

The three of them just stared at him, wide-eyed with their mouths agape, confused. The awkward silence that followed was broken when Rei couldn't hold her laughter in any longer. She then settled down a bit so she could speak.

"A-heh, heh, sorry to break this to you, Kenny," Rei started to say, "but EVA-03's already got its pilot."

Kensuke was dumbstruck. "WHAT?! WHO?!"

**The school, a few hours later...**

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU GOT PICKED?!" Kensuke asked Toji exasperatingly, "I mean, COME ON! I'm number one when it comes to enthusiasm, so they could at least use me, even if it was just as a backup!"

The others were doing their best to calm their otaku friend down after Toji came clean about his being chosen. Right now, it was a bit of a struggle.

"Look, man," Toji started to say, "I didn't ask to do this, I basically got drafted. And I'm only doing it so Sakura can recover in the Geofront's hospital. I'm not in it for the glory. Unlike _some_ people..." He briefly eyed Asuka.

"Ooh, so the jock stooge can throw shade as well as he can throw a basketball, sooo impressive," Asuka responded sarcastically. Both Shinji and Hikari started to worry over the inevitable clash of wills between their respective significant others, until someone stepped in.

"Guys, guys-chimichangas," said a smiling Rei as she got in-between the two of them with a platter full of said delicacies. Everyone stared at her, wondering where she found the time to get these. "I call it 'Deadpool diplomacy'," she said, addressing their confused expressions. As the others looked at each other, they shrugged and helped themselves each to a chimichanga.

A little while later, Toji walked up to the roof of the school to clear his head, and ruminate on what it was he was getting himself into. He thought back on the first time he met Shinji, a little while after he'd piloted Unit-01 for the first time. Their first meeting had been...less than pleasant, as Toji blamed Shinji for Sakura winding up hospitalized in the first place. He threw a few punches and knocked Shinji on his back, despite Kensuke's attempts to restrain him. Now, Toji was going to see how Shinji felt the first time he set foot into an EVA. _Shoe's on the other foot now, eh, Shinji?_ he thought to himself. Later that day, once school let out, Toji and Hikari headed off for their date, while the others went home.

Meanwhile, on the road to Matsushiro, Misato and Ritsuko were riding in one of the armored carriers to the test site. The convoy stopped for a moment at a streetlight. At that same moment, a green, wood-paneled station wagon pulled alongside the carrier. The passenger side window went down, and the driver scooted over his wife as he poked his head out the window to catch Misato's attention. Ritsuko noticed this and pointed towards the window. Misato saw, and rolled her own window down.

"Hey, pardon me," Clark Griswold started to ask, "can you tell me how far we are from Wally World Osaka?"

Misato blinked, confused, before looking to Ritsuko, who simply shrugged. She then turned back to the station wagon.

"Uh, hate to say this, but you're a long ways off," she replied. "You'll wanna turn around and head south. You're just outside Tokyo right now. Sorry!"

"No problem, thanks for the tip!" Clark responded as he got back into position and started to turn the car around.

**Misato's apartment, later that evening...**

Shinji and Asuka were working on their homework as they watched a soap opera play out on TV. Asuka had been enjoying her boyfriend's little tutoring sessions, as it allowed her to get better with her kanji.

A minute later, Kaji stepped out of the bathroom, having finished his shower. "Ah, that was refreshing!" he said as he dried off a part of his face. He then looked to his two charges as they sat close together, studying the textbook. "Heh-you two always like this when Misato's out?"

The two of them turned to face Kaji. "More or less," replied Asuka. "Shinji's quite the tutor, when you get to know him better."

"And it's nice to know my tutoring's paying off," Shinji added, noting how Asuka's marks had been starting to improve since he began helping her. In another life, she probably would've goaded him into doing the work for her; thank god their relationship had improved before such a fate could've been visited upon him.

After Kaji dressed, the three of them convened for dinner. At the table, Shinji decided to pose a question to the older man.

"I'd like to know," Shinji started to ask, "what's my father like?"

Kaji and Asuka looked at Shinji with a bit of surprise. "Well, that came out of nowhere," Kaji replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, it seems like you're always with him," Shinji replied. "I figured you'd know what's going on with him. I haven't been around him much, but from what I've been seeing, people always say he's this cold and calculating figure. But lately he seems...off."

"I know what you mean," Asuka chimed in. "I chatted with Lt. Ibuki the other day, and she heard from Dr. Akagi that the Commander seemed a bit more...frantic. Like the pressure was starting to finally get to him. According to her, he was being very cagey."

"Cagey? Doesn't sound so different from how he usually is," Kaji said.

"No, not that kind of cagey," Asuka said, "According to Lt. Ibuki, Akagi was talking NICHOLAS Cage-y."

"Nicholas...OH GOD," said Kaji as his eyes went wide. "That's not gonna end well..."

"What do you mean?" Shinji asked, perplexed. Both Asuka and Kaji looked at him.

"You haven't seen many movies, have you?" the redhead asked her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, next door, Rei was having a meeting with her two ghostly partners-in-crime.

"You really think something'll go wrong with Unit-03's test tomorrow?" Naoko asked.

"Hundred percent guarantee, sweetheart," Beetlejuice replied. "It's been proven, nine outta ten times, that if it's mad science stuff, especially in a Japanese setting, Murphy's Law goes inta overdrive. Especially with these so-called Angels around. In fact, a lil' birdy told me that one actually hitched a ride on Unit-03. Lucky fer us, I've been doin' some recon on this guy, and dealin' with him'll be a piece of cake."

Rei chuckled. "Hoo-boy, Bardiel's gonna be in for quite the surprise when he gets here..."

**Matsushiro, the next day...**

"T-minus 300 minutes to Unit-03 activation test," a technician announced over the comms.

"Main power supply, no problems," another confirmed.

"Second apoptosis nominal," the first tech affirmed.

"Roger. Team B, commence operation," Ritsuko commanded.

In its cage, Unit-03 stood still, with everyone on-site unaware of the stowaway readying itself to strike at a moment's notice.

"Coolant systems are normal in all sectors," another tech confirmed.

"Repairs to left arm crimp lock completed," a fourth tech confirmed.

On board the central general command vehicle, another tech reported to Misato and Ritsuko that no problems had been detected in the data link to Unit-03.

"Not bad," Ritsuko commented. "It could even go into combat as-is."

"Really? Huh," was all Misato could utter. This wasn't lost on her friend.

"That sounded half-hearted," Ritsuko said. "You know, once Unit-03's cleared for duty, it'll be put right under your command."

"Hmmm, exclusive control of four EVAs...Might work well with our plans for tomorrow night."

"Why? What're we going to do tomorrow night?" Ritsuko asked.

"Same thing we do every night, Pinky-try to take over the world!" Misato jokingly answered.

Ritsuko did nothing but stare at Misato, one eyebrow raised. Misato's smile fell flat upon seeing this.

"Just wanted to lighten the mood," the major said.

"Second squad, begin readying the entry vehicle immediately," a tech said over the comms.

**The school, around that same time...**

Hikari, Asuka and Rei sat together for lunch in the classroom. It was clear the class rep was worried about Toji, who was currently on his way to Matsushiro right now. The two pilots did their best to reassure their friend that he'd be all right.

Up on the roof, Shinji was eating with Kensuke, doing his best to console him over not being picked as Unit-03's pilot.

"Look at it this way," Shinji said, "think about how you'd have to be fitted for a plug suit. Have you even seen those things? They're pretty revealing, but they do allow for maximum mobility. Feels like you're wearing nothing at all..."

Those words were enough for Kensuke to get a mortified look on his face as he started picturing Toji in his own plug suit. The image was not to his liking. Kensuke then turned to glare at his pilot friend. "Thanks a LOT, I did NOT need to imagine that." Shinji merely chuckled in response.

**Matsushiro test site...**

The entry plug had just been inserted successfully. Unit-03's eyes lit up as the first connection was initiated and the pulse transmitted.

"Graph readout is normal. Checklist cleared up to 1350," a tech reported.

"Roger. Shift operation to phase two," Ritsuko ordered.

"You're doing fine, Toji, just relax and concentrate," Misato said reassuringly through the comms.

"No problems found in initial contact phase," another tech reported. "All nerve links are normal. Checklist cleared up to 2550. All harmonics normal. We are now exceeding the absolute border."

"Uh, Major," Toji said over the comms, "somethin' doesn't feel right..."

As he said that, the glow of the EVA's eyes changed abruptly from white to an almost-evil red. The graph readings began to go wild.

An alert sounded in the command vehicle. "Abort the test! Break the circuit!" Ritsuko ordered. However, it was too late, as the Bardiel-possessed Unit-03 began to break free from its restraints.

"No good! High energy readings detected in the body!" a tech cried out with alarm.

"Impossible!" Ritsuko said in disbelief. Then she noticed a white, goo-like substance on the back of the EVA's neck. "An Angel?!"

At that moment, Bardiel opened Unit-03's mouth and said one very unsettling thing:

**"Heeeeeerrrrreeee's Johnny!"**

The test site was then engulfed in a white light, followed by a big explosion. It didn't go undetected, as the readings were transmitted to the Geofront a minute later.

"Sensors confirmed, there's been an explosion at Matsushiro!" Shigeru reported.

"Send the rescue team and the Third Troop. Take care of it before the SSDF gets involved," Fuyutsuki ordered.

"Roger," replied Makoto as he sent the message.

"We're detecting movement of an unidentified object at the site," Shigeru said.

"Pattern orange," Makoto added. "So far, unable to confirm as an Angel."

"Go to battle stations, Level One," Gendo commanded.

Makoto and Shigeru immediately gave the word for all personnel to assume Level One battle stations, to prepare for ground combat. Maya gave the order to launch all EVA units.

"Dispatch immediately to intercept locations," Maya ordered.

"Air transport scheduled to go in twenty," a tech answered.

**Above ground, minutes later into the late afternoon...**

"An accident in Matsushiro?" Shinji asked, worry in his voice.

"Are Misato and the others okay?" Asuka asked. One thing apparent from Shinji and Asuka's developing relationship was that, as much as Shinji was starting to come out of his shell more thanks to Asuka, Asuka herself was starting to become a bit more empathetic towards others thanks to Shinji.

"So far, no response from them yet," Rei replied.

"Then who's going to direct us?" Shinji asked.

"For the time being, Commander Ikari's taking direct control of the operation," Rei answered.

"Oh, great..." Shinji and Asuka both uttered, followed by some uncomfortable shudders.

Back in the Geofront, more of the picture was coming into focus.

"We've got a visual on the target at Mt. Nobe," reported Shigeru. "Transferring to main monitor."

As they watched the feed, they made out the outline of something resembling an EVA. As it got closer, it became more recognizable as an EVA.

"As I thought..." Fuyutsuki noted.

"Transmit the abort signal," Gendo ordered. "Force eject the entry plug."

Unfortunately, Bardiel moved some of its biomass enough to block the entry plug from exiting all the way.

"It's not working-neither the abort signal nor the plug ejection code were accepted!" Maya reported.

"What about the pilot?" Fuyutsuki inquired.

"We still have respiratory and cardiac response," Makoto answered, "but he's probably..."

"Evangelion Unit-03 will be abandoned at this time," Gendo coldly declared. "It shall be designated as the Thirteenth Angel."

The staff on the bridge were stunned. "But, Sir-!" Makoto tried to say.

"Deploy the battle line at Mt. Nobe as planned," Gendo continued. "Destroy the target."

Reluctantly, Shigeru and Makoto turned and sent out the orders.

"Target's approaching," said Shigeru.

"All units, prepare for ground combat," Makoto indicated.

**The battlefield...**

"You can't be serious!" Asuka fumed.

"The new EVA...it's an Angel?" Shinji asked in disbelief.

"Correct, that is the target," Gendo confirmed.

"But-but that's impossible!" Shinji said, decrying the situation.

"How could it have been taken over by an Angel?" Asuka asked, gripping her rocket launcher tightly.

"And the pilot-what's happened to Toji?!" Shinji asked desperately, only to see Asuka's feed cut out unexpectedly. "Asuka? Asuka, come in! Asuka!"

Unfortunately, Bardiel had managed to get the drop on Unit-02 and had knocked it to the ground.

**"Outta my way, red,"** a cocky Bardiel said. **"I got a certain thing to do and a certain place to see."**

The fact that Bardiel spoke stunned the pilots and the bridge of Central Dogma.

"What did you do to Toji?!" Shinji demanded.

**"Don't worry about the twerp,"** Bardiel replied as it pointed to where the entry plug was partially-out. **"He's just out cold. I'll wake him when I'm finished with you, just to hear him scream at my handiwork."**

"You _verdammt_ sadist! _Schiesse!_" Asuka swore.

"Target's moving towards Unit-00!" Shigeru shouted.

"Rei, avoid close range combat and stop the target," Gendo ordered. "I'm sending Unit-01 over now."

"Roger," Rei replied, before grunting internally, _ya bifocal'd bastard_. She then aimed her pallet rifle from her cover as Bardiel walked by, seemingly unaware of her presence.

"Sorry Toji," she said to herself, "this is gonna hurt me more than you..."

Before she pulled the trigger, Bardiel bent over till it saw her from between its legs.

**"Peek-a-boo,"** Bardiel teased, **"here comes my foot!"** It then kicked backwards, hitting Unit-00 right in the face and knocking it on its back.

Bardiel then did a backflip that ended up pinning Unit-00 to the ground. **"Here, a little something to remember me by!"** it said as it held its arm out. Soon, part of it oozed out and landed on Unit-00's left arm, where it started to infect it. Rei could feel the pain coming from the infection. "RRR, GROSS!" she said with disgust.

"The Angel's invading Unit-00's left arm!" Maya reported with concern.

"Sever the left arm, quickly!" Gendo ordered.

Maya was about to type the command, before she turned with a worried look. "But if we don't sever the neural connections first..."

"Way ahead of you, Lt.!" Rei said over the comms. "I took my connectors off! Do it now!"

"Right," Maya said with relief as she entered the code. Soon, explosives within the arm detonated, severing it from the EVA.

**"Party poopers,"** Bardiel complained as it stood up. **"You're no fun."** It then turned and started towards Unit-01. It was still taking Unit-02 a bit of time to get its bearings back.

"The target is approaching you," Gendo said as he 'warned' Shinji. "It will contact you in twenty. You must destroy it."

"But-but Toji's still in there!" Shinji countered.

Bardiel continued its advance, until it got into a leaping stance. **"Here I come, butterball!"** it said as it jumped, slamming into Unit-01 before Shinji had any time to react.

"SHINJI!" shouted Asuka, still struggling to get Unit-02 back up.

Bardiel got back up from where they landed, then jumped back on all fours. It then raised its right hand and launched its forearm like an elastic projectile, which encircled Unit-01 and latched onto its neck, tightening its grip. Shinji could feel it on his own neck as he struggled for air. Baridel then came closer, closer, until both hands were around Unit-01's neck in a vice-like grip.

"Problems in life support!" Makoto said with alarm.

"The pilot's in danger!" Maya added, equally worried.

"This isn't good-cut the synch rate to 60%!" Fuyutsuki ordered.

"Wait," Gendo said. Fuyutsuki turned to him, brows furrowed with concern.

"But Ikari, at this rate the pilot will die!" he said, trying to convince his superior.

Gendo paid him no mind. "Shinji, why don't you fight?" he asked sternly.

"My best friend's in there!" Shinji replied.

"Irrelevant-it is an Angel! Our enemy!" Gendo said coldly.

"But I...I can't!" Shinji responded, "I've got to save him! I'm not gonna kill my friend!"

"You'll die," Gendo simply said.

**"Might wanna listen to your old man, punk,"** Bardiel sarcastically chimed in. **"Better him than you!"**

"I don't care!" Shinji insisted, as the grip on his neck tightened further. "I'd rather die knowing I didn't murder my friend!"

Gendo was surprised, but for only a second. He dropped his pose and stood up. "So be it. Cut all synchronization between the pilot and Unit-01!" he ordered.

"Cut it?" Maya asked.

"Correct," Gendo affirmed, "Switch the control circuit to the dummy plug."

Maya was shocked. "But the dummy system's still problematic! Without Dr. Akagi's approval..."

"It'll be of more use than the pilot," Gendo insisted. "Do it!"

Maya reluctantly turned back to her console. "Yes, Sir."

Rei had heard the whole exchange, and smiled to herself. "Boy oh boy, are you gonna get quite the rude awakening, Commander..."

Maya entered in the command, and soon the lights went out in Unit-01's entry plug, freeing him from the feeling of strangulation. The darkness didn't last long, as soon his screen lit up again. Much to his surprise, the faces of Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne greeted him. He wasn't the only one, as those same faces appeared on one of the main monitors in Central Dogma, to the equally-astonished reactions of the staff inside.

"WHAT the hell?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"What is this?!" Gendo asked, gobsmacked.

Soon the digital Lloyd and Harry started playing 'tag'.

Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it.

Harry: [nudges Lloyd] You're it.

Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it, quitsies!

Harry: Anti-quitsies. [nudges Lloyd] You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!

Lloyd: You can't do that!

Harry: Can too!

Lloyd: Cannot, stamped it!

Harry: Can too, double stamped it, no erasies!

Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true. [puts his hands over his ears and sings]

Harry: No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c-

"Lt. Ibuki, WHAT THE HELL is going on here?!" Gendo demanded.

"Checking right now, Sir," Maya replied as she typed an analyzing command. She got her results momentarily. "Uh, Sir-I don't know how to tell you this, but the dummy system wasn't installed in Unit-01!"

Gendo looked at her unamused. "Then WHAT was?!"

"According to the analysis," Maya answered, "it's a program called the...'Dumb and Dumber' Plug System?!"

Back on the Battlefield, Unit-01 gave Bardiel a dumb look, confusing the belligerent Angel. **"Hey, what's going on?"** it asked.

Unit-01 unexpectedly responded as it stood up, its head tilted to the side. **"Hey-wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?"**

Bardiel didn't get a chance to respond, as Unit-01 then let loose the most annoying screech ever heard, right up to Bardiel's audio receptors. The staff in Central Dogma had to cover their ears, as did Shinji and Asuka nearby. Rei thought ahead and was already wearing earmuffs.

_Looks like it's your cue,_ Rei thought as Beetlejuice's part of the plan started to play out.

Bardiel stumbled back in shock. **"What the hell? What's the big idea?!"** The Angel was totally confused by this new development. It didn't get an answer, as all of a sudden, music filled the air, starting with a harp, followed by a horn section, and then by bells ringing. Bardiel's eyes went completely wide. It recognized this music-music that filled it with extreme dread. The music also didn't go unnoticed in Central Dogma, as Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki's face grew haunted at the first note.

"No...It can't be..." Fuyutsuki said, a tinge of fear in his voice.

**"That's impossible!"** Bardiel cried with even greater fear. **"He's supposed to be one of Second Impact's casualties! It can't be him!"**

Shigeru typed in a command and one of the cameras focused on the direction of the music. Soon they spotted a nearby hillside close to the battle. On it was a very...undead-looking band dressed like they wouldn't be out of place in an old rerun of _The Ed Sullivan Show_, circa 1968. The back-up singers had just started to sing:

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Aaaaaaahhhhhhh..._

Beetlejuice then appeared, in the form of a certain...transformed man, as he began to launch into a bizarre spoken-word performance:

_**Picture yourself...in a boat, on a river...**_

_**With tangerine trees, and MAR-malade skies...**_

_**Somebody calls you, you answer QUITE slow-ly...**_

_**A girl, with kaleidoscope EYES...**_

_**Cellophane flowers, of yellow, and green,**_

_**TOWERING OVER YOUR HEAD...**_

_**Look for the girl, with the sun in her eyes,**_

_**And she's GONE! [Echoes]**_

The drum beats synced almost perfectly with the tempo of Bardiel's own frightened 'heartbeat'.

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Aaaaaaahhhhhhh..._

**"NOOOOOOO!"** Bardiel screamed with terror, as it started running in circles, its hands holding its head desperately. **"NOT THIS! ANYTHING BUT THIS! MAKE IT STOP! For the love of all things cool, MAKE IT STOP!"**

_**Follow her down...to a bridge, by a fountain,**_

_**Where rocking horse people eat MARSH-mallow pies!**_

_**Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,**_

_**That grow so incredibly high...**_

_**Newspaper taxis appear on the shore,**_

_**Waiting to take you away,**_

_**Climb in the back with you head in the clouds,**_

_**And you're GONE! [Echoes]**_

The staff in Central Dogma sat or stood there, flabbergasted by the performance, along with Bardiel's fearful frenzy resulting from it.

"Holy crap," Shigeru remarked, "I thought they banned this kind of stuff under the Geneva Convention!"

"I can't even..." Makoto started to say, "I'm speechless."

"Me too," Maya added.

Fuyutsuki still looked haunted by what he was hearing. "I thought I'd gotten past this..."

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Aaaaaaahhhhhhh..._

The pilots, meanwhile, were just as awed by what was going on in front of them. Asuka especially, after managing to get Unit-02 back on its feet.

"_WAS ZUR HöLLE_ am I listening to?" she asked, bewildered. "And WHY is it so...so...TERRIBLE that it can even make an Angel panic?"

Shinji responded just as confused as his girlfriend. "I don't know...And I don't even WANT to know..."

_**Picture yourself...on a train, in a station...**_

_**With, Plasticine porters, with looking-glass ties...**_

Bardiel banged its head repeatedly against a mountain, trying to drown out the unbearable 'singing', but it was useless. **"I CAN'T TAKE THIS! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"** he lamented, **"Freeing Father ain't worth this kinda torture! NO ONE TOLD ME THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I gotta...I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!"**

_**Suddenly...someone...is there! At the turnstile!**_

_**The giiirrrl, with ka-lei-do-scope eyessss...**_

With that, Bardiel quickly oozed its way out of Unit-03, causing the now-motionless hulk to fall over on its face. It then crawled over to Unit-02's feet, where it deliberately moved its core into plain view.

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds_

_Lucy in the sky, with diamonds..._

**"Take me out! You gotta take me out now! PLEASE!"** Bardiel begged desperately. **"DO IT, FOR PETE'S SAKE! DO IT ALREADY! ANYTHING TO GET ME AWAY FROM THAT AUDIBLE PESTILENCE! I'M BEGGIN' YA!"**

Asuka (and by extension, Unit-02) looked down at Bardiel, dumbfounded. Finally, she pulled out the progressive knife from her shoulder pylon, and nonchalantly stabbed the core, splitting it. She and the other EVAs then stepped back a ways.

**"OH, thank the progenitor..."** Bardiel said with relief before it promptly exploded. As soon as the blast subsided, Beetlejuice and the band disappeared in a puff of smoke, while the music faded away.

In Central Dogma, most of the staff regained their composure.

"All pilots, return to base. Mission accomplished," Fuyutsuki ordered. "And make sure you bring Unit-03 with you. The pilot should be attended to as soon as he gets here."

Shinji and Asuka nodded warily as their EVAs picked up Unit-03 and began marching back to base. Rei followed them as soon as Unit-00 picked itself up.

"Sub-Commander, you all right?" Makoto asked as he looked at Fuyutsuki.

"Did you...know that song, Sir?" Maya asked as well.

"Yeah, what WAS that?" Shigeru added. "That's gotta be one of the worst things I've ever heard. And I listened to Ken's _By Request Only_ on a dare!"

Fuyutsuki looked down at the three techs, then to a still-stunned Gendo, before turning to them again as he answered. "What you just heard was something no mortal ears should ever have to endure: the sound of William Shatner singing."

The three techs' eyes went wide upon hearing this.

"No way," Makoto said.

"Captain Kirk can sing?" Maya asked with incredulity.

"You call that 'singing'? Man, what was he on when he recorded that?" Shigeru asked, bewildered.

"Believe it or not, he and Leonard Nimoy cut a few albums-none of them that good," Fuyutsuki replied. "This takes me back, unfortunately, to my old college fraternity days. As part of our initiation for new members, one would have to sit in a dark room and listen to the entirety of _The Transformed Man_, full blast. Most applicants washed out right away. If you thought his 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' was bad, don't get me started on his version of 'Mr. Tambourine Man'..."

Shigeru immediately shuddered at the thought.

"In college, the most important thing I learned was that one has never truly looked into the face of fear, until they've heard Shatner sing."

**Matsushiro test site...**

Misato groggily opened her eyes as she took stock of the situation around her. She was lying on a gurney, her head and left forearm bandaged, and an IV hooked to her right arm. "Wha...? I'm still alive..." She turned and saw a familiar face looking down at her, holding her good hand. "Kaji?"

"You got lucky, Katsuragi," Kaji said.

"We've found a survivor over here too! He's still breathing! Send help right away!" a medic called nearby.

"Third squad, erase 807 data as soon as possible. Second squad, please hurry and check for survivors in the linear block," another medic ordered.

"Where's Ritsuko?" Misato wearily asked.

Kaji smiled. "Don't worry, she wasn't hurt as bad as you," he said reassuringly.

"Thank god," Misato replied. "What about Unit-03?"

"...You're not gonna believe it," he responded.

"Try me," she said in turn.

"...All right," Kaji began, "Unit-03 managed to remain intact, despite the Angel controlling it fighting our own EVAs. Unit-01 was nearly on the ropes, until the Angel got distracted and sent into a frenzy by, of all things, a very good William Shatner impersonator."

Misato blinked, then looked at Kaji like he'd grown two heads. "...The Angel was a Trekkie?"

"Nope," he answered, "from what I've heard, it was scared to death by him."

"What'd he do?" Misato asked.

Kaji swallowed a bit before he answered. "...He sang."

Misato's eyes went wide with surprise. "Oh boy...no good ever comes of that..."

"Well, for once, it did," Kaji said, "the Angel was so desperate it actually ditched Unit-03 and begged Asuka to put it out of its misery."

"...Damn," Misato said.

**NERV medical wing...**

Ritsuko looked at her pad while laying in the hospital bed she was assigned, her reverie broken by a knock at her door.

"Come in," she said. The door opened, revealing Maya, who walked in.

"How are you feeling, sempai?" she asked.

"I've been better, I'll give you that," Ritsuko answered. "By the way, I heard that the dummy plug system got replaced unexpectedly."

"You definitely heard right," Maya said. "Strangest thing is, we checked around, and the disc containing all the data just...vanished."

Ritsuko's eyebrows went straight up when she heard that. "Now where could it have gone...?" she wondered.

Unbeknownst to the both of them, Beetlejuice, after being given the disc by Rei, hid it in the one place on Earth no one would ever find it: right at the bottom of the enormous pile of unsold units of the ill-fated _E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial_ video game, buried underneath an Albuquerque, New Mexico landfill.

**Gendo's office door, later that evening...**

It had been a bittersweet day for the commander of NERV. While an Angel was killed by EVA hands, the circumstances leading up to it had been...less than ideal. His plan to send Shinji into a further downward spiral backfired spectacularly, and the dummy plug system had not only been replaced, but was now missing as well. He sighed as he got to his office door, but when he opened it, shock adorned his face as he saw what had replaced it this time. Inside was a ludicrously-long table, with all manner of dishware stacked and spread out upon it in a messy way. Beetlejuice sat at one end of the table dressed as the Mad Hatter, while a ghostly March Hare occupied a seat at the other end, with a Dormouse sleeping in a teacup in the middle.

"'Allo, guvner!" Beetlejuice greeted Gendo with a cockney accent as he poured himself a cup of hot tea. "Fancy a cup? How'dya take it-one lump, or two?" he asked as he lifted a pair of mallets with two extra arms from behind his back.

Gendo just stared at the scene for a moment before slamming the door behind him yet again. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, muttered the words "serenity now" four times, then opened his door again. Like before, his office was back to normal. He walked over to his desk, sat in his chair, and leaned back, exhausted. Just when he was about to close his eyes for a bit, a Shatner-like voice rang from out of nowhere:

**"MISTER TAMBOURINE MAAAANNNN!"**

Gendo, greatly startled, jumped out of his chair and fell onto the floor, landing in a less than dignified pose.

**END Chapter 6.**

****Author's Note(s)****  
**And so the battle with Bardiel comes and goes. For imaginative purposes, the role of Bardiel will be voiced by Doug 'Mr.' Lawrence, best known for voicing Filburt from **_**Rocko's Modern Life**_**, Edward from **_**Camp Lazlo**_**, and Plankton from **_**Spongebob Squarepants**_**, who served as the basis for my portrayal of Bardiel. (Two of his lines should be a giveaway.)**

**Yep, your eyes do not deceive you, Bardiel's greatest fear is...the singing of William Shatner. Fuyutsuki's last line in the chapter was inspired by a comment I saw on YouTube about Shatner's 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' cover. The 'Mr. Tambourine Man' shout at the end of the chapter comes from the last few seconds of the actual song, I kid you not.**

**Rei intervening before Asuka and Toji verbally sparred is inspired by a piece of fan art whose subject is simple: Aliens vs. Predator vs. Deadpool.**

**A couple of classic comedy films get shout-outs in the form of ****_National Lampoon's Vacation _****and the original ****_Dumb and Dumber. _****I just thought (regarding the latter film) that it'd be funny that Rei and Beetlejuice avert a point in the EVA canon considered by many to be the turning point in the show where 'things can only get worse from here', using one of the more 'so dumb it's funny' buddy-coms out there.**

**The use of ****_Pinky and the Brain's _****signature dialogue is just something I did on a lark, as a big fan of the show. Same with Gendo turning to ****_Seinfeld's _****'serenity now' mantra to calm his nerves.**

**The big Burton shout-out for this chapter comes in the form of a riff on his 2010 big screen adaptation of ****_Alice in Wonderland_****, as you can guess.**


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 - Séances and Sensibilities, Part One**

Toji woke up to an unfamiliar ceiling, while he lay in a hospital bed. As he got his bearings, he looked to see at least a few familiar faces around him, as he found Shinji, Asuka and Rei sitting on either side of his bed.

"Guys?" Toji asked, "where am I?"

"*PHEW!* Thank _gott_ he's awake," Asuka said with relief, "Hikari's been buzzing me nonstop for updates. And thank _gott_ his first words weren't 'Aunty Em, is that you?'..."

"_Funny_," Toji replied. "So seriously, where am I?"

"You're in NERV's medical facilities, the same place where your sister is now," Shinji answered. "We're all glad you're okay."

"What happened, exactly?", Toji asked. "Last thing I remember, I was syncin' with Unit-03, and then things just went...dark, for some reason."

"You sure you wanna know?" Rei asked. Toji simply nodded. "Oh-kay then..."

What followed was a firsthand account by all three pilots of the unusual battle with the Thirteenth Angel, and the even more unusual way it ended. Toji was left stunned as soon as they finished. After a minute, he finally spoke.

"...WOW. I'll never make fun of _Star Trek_ again," he said with quiet conviction.

"You'd better not, stooge," Asuka grumbled. All eyes turned to her surprised. She looked up at them before sheepishly admitting, "I'm, uh, a big fan of _Voyager_. 'Janeway all the way!' Heh-heh..."

"So why am I here anyway?" Toji pressed.

"Just a bit of standard procedure," Rei replied, "they just want to be sure you weren't contaminated or something. They're giving Unit-03 the same kind of inspection. Other than that, Dr. Akagi says you're pretty much fine, for the most part. Be glad you were out cold for the whole fight-if you were still synced, you would've probably felt all the times the Angel banged its head against that mountain in the worst way possible."

"And you've got all your limbs intact," Shinji added. "You should be cleared to leave in a day or so."

"Other than that," Asuka started to say, "welcome to the pilot corps-hope you survive the experience!"

"Oh, brother..." Toji said.

"By the way, speaking of Hikari earlier," Asuka said, "I pulled a few strings and got them to let her in for a bit. Five minutes, though, so make it count."

Toji looked at her for a minute before a smile formed on his face. "Y'know what, Red-you're all right."

"Damn right I am," replied Asuka as she and Toji shook hands on it. The three active pilots then got up and left the room, just as Hikari walked in, with Asuka giving her a nod as they passed by. The class rep then walked over to her boyfriend's bedside and sat down, while the others left the two alone.

**The non-medical parts of the Geofront, at the same time...**

Makoto, Maya, Shigeru, and the other bridge staff were filing into a hallway as they headed to Central Dogma for their incoming shift. When they got closer to the door to Central Dogma, all of a sudden their ears perked up at the faint sounds of a bass guitar, a keyboard, a horn section, and drums coming from behind it. Makoto entered the code and opened the door, and soon all eyes of the gathered staff bugged out, their mouths hanging open at the sight before them: a band of mummies, actual gauze-wrapped Egyptian mummies, were playing music, using the consoles of Central Dogma as a stage. The lead singer was belting out a tune familiar to fans of late 70's _Saturday Night Live_:

_**Now if I'd known, they'd line up just to see him,**_ (_King Tut!_)

_**I'd have taken all my money, and bought me a museum!**_ (_King Tut!_)

_**Buried with a donkey!**_ (_Funky Tut!_)

_**He's my favorite honky!**_

_Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia,_

_King Tut!_

Makoto quickly pressed a button to close the door as the rest of the staff stepped back.

"Soooo..." Maya nervously started to ask, "Anyone for cronuts?"

**The battle site, a few minutes later...**

Ritsuko, a bandage still wrapped around her head, watched as her crew surveyed the area, combing it for any possible remnants of the Thirteenth Angel for study. She was talking on her phone at the moment when Misato, her arm still in a sling, walked up.

"I see. Thanks for letting me know. Don't worry, all of you take your time," Ritsuko said with a sigh before hanging up.

"What's going on?" Misato asked her friend.

"That was Maya," Ritsuko answered. "Apparently the entire shift's going to be a bit late getting in. Some _mummies_ were having a jam session in Central Dogma when they got there, so they decided to let them finish their set, lest they get cursed or something." She then pinched the bridge of her nose, as if a migraine were coming on. "And I thought this entire conflict with the Angels couldn't get any weirder..."

A sneaky smirk appeared on Misato's face. "Gee, I wonder what kind of music they were playing...could it have been..."

_Don't you dare_, thought Ritsuko, _don't you even DARE say it-!_

"...'Wrap'?" Misato asked with a gleeful smile. Ritsuko groaned in annoyance at her longtime friend's terrible pun.

"You look like you made a decent recovery," Ritsuko commented.

"As long as I can work, it's not a problem," Misato replied, "And I couldn't just lie in bed doing nothing while there's a cleanup like this. How's Toji doing?"

"He's actually in good condition, all things considered," Ritsuko answered. "He was unconscious for the entire battle, which means he wasn't synced and didn't feel any of the blows inflicted on Unit-03, which was left in very good shape thankfully. Toji'll be a checkup away from being discharged from the hospital, at which point he can resume his training. Looks like your world domination plan's still a possibility."

Misato looked at Ritsuko dumbfounded, until the scientist started chuckling.

"Now we're even, if you're pondering what I'm pondering," she said, satisfied with her comeback. While Ritsuko was a cat person, by-and-large, she did have a soft spot for two certain cartoon lab mice bent on taking over the world.

**Two days later, near an apartment complex...**

"So you say this friend of yours is reliable?" Shinji asked.

The six friends were walking to an apartment block at Kensuke's suggestion. Earlier, they'd been discussing more of the supernatural occurrences plaguing the Geofront some time after the battle with Bardiel. Aside from the mummies in Central Dogma (which left some of the computer consoles covered with a half-inch layer of sand), an enormous blob was seen pigging out in the cafeteria; gargoyles were 'hawking loogies' from the EVA cages' rafters; and bottle imps were fooling around in one of the chemistry labs, armed with an absurd amount of Mentos and Diet Coke. Additionally, someone had swapped out the Go board Gendo and Fuyutsuki usually played on with _Guess Who?_, much to the surprise of the two commanders.

Kensuke had told his friends that it might be a good idea to get in contact with the ghost at the heart of all this. He theorized that usually, a place would be haunted by a ghost who couldn't move on for some reason. He'd said that he had a friend he chatted with online who was into all this occult stuff, and that they should consult her. The sextet soon arrived at a certain apartment, where Kensuke knocked on the door. A girl about their age with short, light brown hair opened it up and greeted them, while the group quickly recognized her as a fellow student.

"Mana?" Shinji said, surprised.

"What're you doing here?" Asuka asked as well.

"Well, I do live here, after all," Mana Kirishima replied.

"So wait, you're the one with the know-how on all things spooky?" Toji asked, confused.

"Wait, what?" Mana asked in turn. "OH, _that_-nah, that's more Mayumi's department," she said as she pointed with her thumb to a shorter girl with long black hair and glasses, who'd just come up to the door. Sure enough, it was another fellow student, resident bookworm Mayumi Yamagishi.

"Mayumi?" said a curious Hikari. "You live here too?"

"Yes," Mayumi replied, "Mana and I have been foster sisters for five years."

The two girls then stepped aside to let their guests in to their modest apartment.

"I told Mayumi about NERV's little ghost issue, and you should've seen how pumped she was," Kensuke said. "Trust me, her home library alone has a section completely dedicated to everything that goes bump in the night. And that includes guides on communicating with the dead."

"From what Kenny told me, it sounds like you've got a classic case of a spirit seeking closure," Mayumi said. "What we'll need to do is contact it, find out why it's still in limbo, and figure out a way for it to move on. To do that, we're gonna conduct a séance."

"A séance? Like the ones on TV?" a skeptical Asuka asked, hands on her hips. "You gotta be kidding."

"Aw, don't be such a downer," Rei said, "it'll be fun! At least later at dinner you can say you had an _interesting_ day."

"Am I the only one here worried about messing with things we don't understand, considering what we regularly fight against?" a worried Shinji asked.

When his question was met with stares from everyone else (other than Hikari and Rei), he sighed. "Guess I am..."

Soon, following Mayumi's instructions, everyone helped with getting the living room set up for the séance using a book from her collection, while Mayumi herself went to her room to change into what she called 'something more appropriate'. As soon as the rest were finished, Mayumi came out, garbed in the clothes of a stereotypical western gypsy fortune-teller. The mole near her left cheek completed the look.

"I thought you'd be dressed like one of those itako," Asuka said as she noticed Mayumi's getup.

"Usually I would, but this type of medium's a bit more fun-and colorful," Mayumi replied as she sat down behind the crystal ball in the center of the coffee table. The rest of the group sat in a circle around it as Mayumi got to work. Mana dimmed the lights while Hikari and Kensuke lit a few candles.

"All of you, join hands, please," Mayumi implored. Everyone did as she said, and linked their hands with one another. Mayumi then closed her eyes and began to concentrate.

"Calling the spirit world..." she chanted, "calling the spirit world...we seek the ghost who bears a grudge against NERV...breaker, breaker, one-niner..."

Soon, the crystal ball lit up, and a fine ethereal mist emerged from it and formed into a cloud above the table, to the surprise of everyone aside from Mayumi and Rei.

"And I thought all that spiritual crap was a load of _scheisse_..." a dumbfounded Asuka whispered.

Soon, an image formed in the cloud of a 1950's-model American dial-telephone. It rang two times before someone picked it up: a burly-looking Caucasian man with a crew-cut, a striped suit, and a guitar strapped around his shoulder.

**_"Hello, BAAAYYY-BY!"_** he greeted as the sounds of a piano, a bass, a saxophone and drums started to play in the background. _**"Yes, this is the Big Bopper speaking..."**_

Mayumi opened her eyes as she and the rest of the group stared, dumbstruck. "Um, my apologies, wrong number," she sheepishly said.

_**"HAHAHAHAHA! Awww, you sweet THANG!"**_ J.P. Richardson replied jovially, **"Y'all have a good day now!"** He then put the phone back on the receiver as the cloud vanished.

"Sorry about that, guys," Mayumi apologized, "let me check the settings." She then placed her hands above the crystal ball as she concentrated, causing an image to appear within. "Oh, here's the problem-I had it on the wrong directory." Everyone looked and saw that it was currently on the 'dead musicians' section. Mayumi swiped left with her hands and the 'page' turned. She then urged everyone to get back into position as she sent out the call again.

This time, an image of three late-30's-styled telephones appeared in the cloud above the ball. All three rang, and three short Caucasian men-one with a black bowl-cut, one balding with wavy, curly red hair, and one bald with a round face-scrambled to answer them, running into each other in the process. "All right, all right, SPREAD OUT!" the bowl-cut man, clearly the leader, ordered as his two cohorts did so. Each of them picked up a phone and greeted the group in three-part harmony:

Larry: _"Hellooo..."_

Moe: _"Hellooo..."_

Curly: _"Hellooo..."_

All three: "Hello, hello? Hello?"

Asuka waved her arm to dissipate the cloud as she said one word in response: "GOOD-bye!"

"Who were those three?" Toji asked.

"Your namesakes," Asuka sarcastically replied.

"Why I oughta-OOF!" Toji began to say, before he was elbowed in the rib by Hikari, "Never mind."

"Lemme guess," Asuka started to say, "you had it on the 'dead comedians' directory, didn't you?"

Mayumi looked at the crystal ball. "Whoops! Looks like I did, actually, heh-heh...Don't worry, I'll get it right this time."

Everyone resumed their positions as Mayumi concentrated once again. Nearby, floating somewhere above the city, Naoko heard a phone ring, much to her surprise. She and Beetlejuice had been discussing an errand he was going to run that involved passing some valuable information along to Ritsuko at the time.

"We-he-hell, looky what we've got here!" Beetlejuice said. "You're gettin' your first call from a spirit medium! G'wan, answer it, it's your first time! But don't make it a habit, they turn inta collect calls after the first."

Back in the apartment, the image in the cloud focused on a more modern phone. Naoko, with some reluctance, pressed the answer button for the speaker-phone feature.

"Hello? Who is this?" she asked, before she looked at the assembled group of teenagers with a surprised look on her face. They in turn looked at her bewildered. Except for Rei, given the working relationship they already had in place.

"Hiya, Doc!" a smiling Rei greeted, making her friends' jaws drop.

"Oh, this is going to be awkward..." Naoko said warily, unaware Beetlejuice had zipped away to take care of his errand.

**Ritsuko Akagi's office, NERV HQ...**

Ritsuko was going through some technical specs on her computer when she received an alert of a new email in her system. Curious, she opened it up, finding the sender unknown but with a simple message:

**Wanna know the truth behind yer momma's death? Meet me at the parking garage of the big multiplex theater downtown in half an hour. Come alone. And wear a polka-dot scarf when ya get here. All will be revealed.**

**-Deep Pipes**

**P.S. If anyone asks, you're goin' to get some bagels for the break room. Said bagels'll be provided by yours truly, with lox and shmear included.**

Ritsuko was shocked. While it seemed like she'd done so, in truth she hadn't really gotten over her mother's death, and had harbored suspicions about the circumstances behind it. Deciding to throw caution to the wind for once, she deleted the email, locked her computer, and closed her office as she began heading for the trams leading to the surface. She passed by Maya and Misato in the hallway as she walked.

"Where're you off to, Rits?" Misato asked.

Remembering the instructions in the email, Ritsuko replied, "I'm just going to get some bagels for the break room. You've all been working hard, and I figured for once I should treat. On another note, do you still have that polka-dotted scarf, Maya?"

"Uh...sure, Sempai," Maya answered, confused. "Why do you ask?"

"I was wondering if I could borrow it, just thinking of seeing how I look with it out in public," Ritsuko fibbed.

"O-okay then, just follow me to the locker room and I'll hand it to you," Maya said, joining her sempai as they headed towards the lockers. A few minutes later, Ritsuko was on a tram heading out of the Geofront, and from there riding a subway heading towards the center of downtown...

**The Kirishima/Yamagishi residence, at the same time...**

The group of teenagers and Naoko stared at one another across two spiritual dimensions for what seemed like a while before Asuka finally spoke up.

"_Mein gott_," she said with astonishment, "I know you! You're Naoko Akagi!"

"Who?" Hikari asked.

"Wait, Dr. Akagi's mother?" Shinji asked.

"How-how do you know me?" Naoko asked.

"When I was training to become an EVA pilot, I had to read a number of operations manuals, including one on the development of the MAGI," Asuka replied. "I got curious, so I looked up more of your work. I've read every one of your papers!" She then turned to her friends. "This woman was one of the most brilliant computer scientists in the world!" Her tone then became a bit somber. "I actually was hoping to meet you when I finally got to NERV Central, but you...died unexpectedly. I was pretty disappointed."

Naoko managed a small smile at Asuka's admittance of admiration. "You're definitely Kyoko's girl all right. She'll be pleased to know how much you've grown out of that cage you put yourself in for all those years." She then turned to Shinji. "And I couldn't imagine a better person to have helped her along the way. Yui must be quite happy with you for all the friends you've made."

"H-how do you know our mothers?" Shinji asked.

Naoko couldn't help but beam at that question as she took a photo from her coat pocket. "Believe it or not, aside from our days with GEHIRN, the three of us were sorority sisters way back before then." In the photo were Naoko, Kyoko, and Yui with the rest of their college sorority, in matching sweaters with the group's Roman designation. "I know, I know, 'what were we thinking'..."

"That's..." Shinji started to say, his voice slightly quivering, "that's the first photo of my mother I've seen in a long time." The rest of his friends were stunned by his admission. "M-my father...told me that he got rid of every picture of her." Tears were beginning to well up in his eyes as Asuka took his hand.

Naoko was saddened by Shinji's change in mood, but knew she had to be honest with him. "Shinji, there's something you should know...about your father and myself..."

**The multiplex theater's parking garage, roughly around the same time...**

Ritsuko found herself walking through the dimly-lit fourth level of the parking garage, wearing the polka-dot scarf around her neck while eyeing her surroundings carefully. Eventually, her nose perked up at the scent of a cheap-smelling cigar coming from a wall at the end of the level. She could barely make out the smoker's silhouette, since the upper half of him was hidden diagonally by shadows, while the bottom half was lit by the late afternoon sun. What she could make out was that he was a bit of a short man, wearing a rumpled black-and-white-striped suit with a trench coat over it.

"Dr. Akagi, I presume?" the man inquired. Ritsuko mentally guessed at his accent, painting him to be an American, a New Yorker specifically, probably Italian-American. She could've sworn she'd heard that voice somewhere before...like something from those old reruns she used to watch in college about a scruffy-looking detective in Los Angeles.

"It's what my diploma says," Ritsuko replied warily. "I'm guessing you're 'Deep Pipes'?"

"Well, I woulda called myself somethin' else," the man said, "but unfortunately, it already got taken, first by th' guy who helped expose Watergate, then by some snuff film released a couple years after."

Just as Ritsuko was about to bring something up, Deep Pipes held up a hand-the one with the cheap cigar-before he addressed a concern of hers. "Don't worry about da Section Two guys-deir gizmos are jammed. Dey won't hear a thing we say."

"I see," Ritsuko responded. "I'm here now, as you asked. You said you had some information for me?"

"Cuttin' right ta da chase-I like dat," Deep Pipes said. "First off, lemme confirm fer youse-all those suspicions youse had about yer mom's death? Totally well-founded...But there's some context needed first..."

**The Kirishima/Yamagishi residence, at the same time...**

"A while after your mother died...after he'd left you with your teacher..." Naoko began, "your father and I...began seeing each other, romantically." A look of shock appeared on Shinji's face, echoed by the rest of his friends. Now Asuka knew they had another thing in common: both their fathers sought comfort in the arms of another woman. "It was during the reorganization of GEHIRN into what you now know as NERV. I was working on what's now considered my biggest achievement: the MAGI. The MAGI is no ordinary supercomputer: it's very core is based on my thought patterns. Specifically, each of the three main components-Melchior, Balthasar, and Caspar-are based on three aspects of my personality. Melchior is myself as a scientist; Balthasar, myself as a mother; and Caspar, myself as a woman. Not only does it run the systems at NERV and the Evangelions, but its algorithms essentially run Japan's government right now."

The group of teens were speechless. Kensuke felt that a number of conspiracy theories he'd seen online had now been validated. Others in the group were starting to wonder, what was it with NERV and all this Bible imagery and naming conventions?

"I worked with both your father and mother on the development of the first Evangelion; back then, I was the head scientist of GEHIRN. During this time, my relationship with my daughter was very...distant. I'd lost her father before she was born, and did my best to raise her as I could. But my work complicated things. I...left Ritsuko to her own devices for too long; I feel like this is why she's had such difficulty with the men in her life. I was only a mother to her when it was convenient; I wish that weren't the case. During my time with GEHIRN, I began to harbor some attraction to your father. When your mother died, part of me felt that it was what I'd hoped for. We began dating some time afterwards; I knew that deep down, he couldn't forget her, that he wouldn't be as deeply attached to me. I...really regret those feelings, for taking advantage of an event so tragic. I didn't even consider the impact it'd have on you, since you'd been abandoned by him..."

**The parking garage...**

"Yer momma got involved wit' Gendo Ikari after his wife's 'death'," Deep Pipes explained as he handed Ritsuko a few manila envelopes. "Apparently she'd been attracted to da guy for a while, and was a bit jealous o' Yui. Truth is, it was a relationship o' convenience fer da both of 'em. Gendo, howev'a, had more sinister intentions, one of 'em involving a lil' girl wit' his late wife's face..."

It didn't take long for Ritsuko to figure out who he'd been alluding to. "Rei Ayanami."

"Bingo," Deep Pipes replied. "You remember when you an' yer mom first met 'er, right? On da tram headin' into da Geofront, 2010. She-or rather, da first-woulda been a lil' kid back den. You'd thought Gendo'd brought his kid to work wit' him, even though you'd heard about his son. He claimed he was lookin' after a friend's daughter. Your momma noticed da resemblance almost immediately, and went about tryin' ta dig up any dirt on da girl. What she got was zilch, nada, nuttin', zippo."

"It just occurred to me," Ritsuko began to say, "how do YOU know all this? Considering the nature of NERV's work, a lot of this information should've been either erased or classified."

"Well, dat's da funny thing," Deep Pipes said, "even back den, da U.N. had its suspicions about da nature of GEHIRN's-and even now, NERV's-work. So dey made sure dere were plenny o' 'redundant' surveillance systems tucked in an' around da Geofront, ones even NERV's masters didn't think ta look fer. My, ah...sources managed to get me some o' da footage and photos taken by 'em. Dose, among udder tings, are in da envelopes I just handed ya."

Ritsuko looked again at the bundle, before looking back up at Deep Pipes. "Go on..."

**The Kirishima/Yamagishi residence...**

"Then one day, I learned all too well what Gendo really thought of me," Naoko continued, a hint of bitterness in her voice. "I'd just finished the last touches on the MAGI. Ritsuko was there giving me a hand; it'd just been her third day on the job. I was telling her what I based the operating system on, when she let me know she was leaving early for the day. Major Katsuragi was returning to Japan that day."

Asuka chimed in, hooked into the discussion. "I know that day-it was the last day Misato acted as my guardian, when I was living at NERV-3 in Germany."

"It had also been a while after she and Ryoji Kaji had broken up," Naoko said, "something Ritsuko had informed me of. She said right there and then that one could never tell with a man and a woman, because it wasn't logical. I felt afraid that she was going to take after me more than she realized. She then left me for the night, while I sat in my chair, alone with my thoughts..."

**The parking garage...**

"While you was leavin' da Geofront dat night," Deep Pipes continued as Ritsuko listened intently, "Gendo was playin' wit' lil' Rei in his office. He den whispered sometin' in her ear, tellin' her to repeat exactly what he said to yer mudder. Rei didn't know any better, considerin' how she'd been raised at da time, so she hopped off his lap and made 'er way to Central Dogma, where yer momma was waitin' unawares..."

**The apartment...**

"Gendo sent a...pawn of his to my work station," Naoko continued. She opted to keep Rei's identity as said pawn a secret, until she herself was ready to tell her story. "They told me they'd gotten lost. I offered to let them leave with me, but they told me it was fine. I insisted they take my suggestion, but all I got in response was..."

**The parking garage...**

"'Dat's none o' yer business, old hag' was what she said," Deep Pipes elaborated. Ritsuko was shocked. "Yer momma was taken aback. When she asked Rei ta clarify, the lil' girl just said 'I can go home by myself, old hag.' Yer momma tried ta scold her, tellin' her sayin' tings like dat would make 'er mad, dat she'd tell Gendo. But den came da major bombshell..."

**The apartment...**

"They told me that it was what Gendo called me," Naoko said, the bitterness more pronounced. "She kept going, saying that Gendo said 'That old hag is pushy', or that he 'doesn't need that old hag anymore'."

The teens were shocked at what Naoko had admitted. Shinji was especially mortified; he'd had no idea his father was even crueler than hinted at. Some of it came to the fore during the battle against the Thirteenth Angel, but to hear it was present even way before all this...

"I realized what Gendo's true face was right then, what I'd truly been to the man," Naoko said, the bitterness in her voice turning to sadness and regret, "and, for a single moment, logic and reason left me. I lost my mind. My hands found themselves around that pawn's neck-in my rage, I told them that it didn't matter if they died..."

**The parking garage...**

"...'because you can always be replaced, Rei. Just like me.' Dat's wat she said as she wrung da life from da girl in 'er hands," Deep Pipes solemnly said.

Ritsuko was aghast at what she'd just heard. "Oh, mother..."

"You can figure out what happened next," Deep Pipes said.

**END Chapter 7.**

**Author's Note(s)**

**Couldn't think of a Burton reference for now, but did throw in a few Easter eggs anyway.**

**Because of the way things have changed in my take on the EVA canon, certain characters now learn about the events depicted in episode 21 of the TV series, from the woman who lived them.**

**Finally figured out what to do with Mayumi and Mana. Them being foster sisters is something of my own invention, as is Mayumi's interest in the occult, along with Asuka being a ****_Star Trek: Voyager _****fan and Naoko, Yui and Kyoko being sorority sisters.**

**Mayumi's 'breaker breaker' line is a nod to the ****_Rocko's Modern Life_**** episode "Feisty Geist", where Rocko and Heffer visit a medium.**

**J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson was a 50's-era rock n' roll singer best known for his 1958 hit "Chantilly Lace". Of course, he was one of the three musicians (the others being Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens) who perished in a 1959 plane crash, known by fans as 'the day the music died'.**

**Yep, EVA's Three Stooges meet the actual Three Stooges, if only briefly. The bit with Asuka's 'goodbye' is a nod to an episode of ****_Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys_****, where Spydor generates three Holo-boons that take the form of the trio.**

**The mummies in Central Dogma are playing Steve Martin's "King Tut" song from ****_Saturday Night Live_****, a fitting tune if I do say so.**

**Beetlejuice's 'Deep Pipes' alias is a spoof of Deep Throat, the whistle-blower who helped Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein blow the Watergate scandal wide open, events that would be dramatized in the 1976 film ****_All The President's Men_****. The rest of BJ's disguise is meant to be an exaggerated parody of the titular detective from ****_Columbo_****, with BJ doing his best Peter Falk.**

**The rest of the revelations continue next chapter...**


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 - Séances and Sensibilities, Part Two**

**The Kirishima/Yamagishi residence...**

"When I opened my eyes, I was holding a limp, lifeless body in my hands," Naoko solemnly said. "When I realized the gravity of the situation, the full extent of the crime I'd just committed...in my grief, my panic, logic continued to leave me. The next thing I knew, I got onto the guardrail above the MAGI...and jumped."

The teens were horrified at what they'd just heard. Toji held Hikari as she buried herself in his shoulder. Asuka and Shinji held their hands tightly. Rei looked off to the side, her face in a neutral look for the first time in a long while.

"That day is one of my greatest regrets," Naoko said, "and over time, from my place in limbo, I learned it wasn't just coincidence that Gendo planned for my demise: I learned the _full extent_ of what Gendo was planning-and how many people he's manipulated over the years. Ritsuko, Misato, Professor Fuyutsuki, even you children-all of you to him are pawns in his grand scheme."

Shinji finally posed the question. "Wh-what scheme?"

Naoko paused for a moment, before answering. "Tell me-do any of you know the real cause of Second Impact?"

Both Shinji and Asuka looked at one another before Asuka answered. "Yeah-Misato told us."

"It was caused by the First Angel, Adam," Shinji said.

Kensuke, Mana, Mayumi, Toji, and Hikari looked at her with great surprise.

"WHAT?!" Kensuke exclaimed, "You mean...it wasn't a meteor?"

"They...they lied to us?! To the whole world?!" Toji added.

"Yes," Naoko replied. "Even worse, Adam's awakening was not accidental. The Katsuragi expedition-led by Misato's father-had been, in fact, sent to their deaths. Gendo Ikari had actually paid them a visit on that very same day. After he'd collected every scrap of data they'd gathered, he left Antarctica in a hurry, mere moments before they broke the ice that held Adam all this time. He knew what would happen, as did his superiors."

"His...superiors?" Shinji asked.

"You may not have heard of them. Officially, they are known as the Human Instrumentality Committee. They were the backers of the Katsuragi expedition, and of GEHIRN. These days, they're NERV's backers. In truth, these men are the heads of a secret cabal known as SEELE; they make the Illuminati look like a Sunday school class. Their influence is everywhere, from most of the world's governments and armed forces to the largest business concerns. They're rich, powerful...and old. They're obsessed with cheating death, with immortality. In their possession are a series of ancient texts, known as the Dead Sea Scrolls. They're not the same as the ones that travel to museums across the globe. These foretell everything: the awakening of Adam, the coming of each Angel, and what ultimately happens afterwards."

"...What happens?" Asuka hesitantly asked.

"...Right what it says in their name: instrumentality," Naoko grimly explained. "SEELE's plan is to bring about a Third Impact, one that will wipe out the rest of humanity, using a dormant Adam fused with Lilith, the Second Angel, along with the Evangelions. Then, through instrumentality, the collective souls of humankind would be fused into a gestalt being, with the heads of SEELE acting as its consciousness. Eternal life, at the cost of all human individuality."

The eyes of the teens widened even more upon hearing of such an apocalypse.

"There is, however, one flaw in their plan, one that they futilely believe they can address: Gendo himself."

"...How?" Shinji asked.

"Your father," Naoko said with a sense of foreboding, "plans to hijack Third Impact for himself. All so he can reach his one goal: reunite with your mother. Even if he has to burn the whole world down to do it."

That did it for Shinji. "He...He's a monster. They're all monsters!" Asuka held him and did her best to calm him down. The rest of their friends could sympathize: it's not every day that you find out your father, secretly mad with grief for the better part of eleven years, was planning to wipe out humanity just to get his wife back. When Shinji regained his composure, it was Toji who posed the next question.

"You said they needed Adam and Lilith-where do the EVAs fit in?" he asked.

"The EVAs, as you know them, aren't just machines. In truth, they're more like giant cyborgs. The armor is meant to restrain their full power, to make them more controllable. Underneath it are essentially gigantic humanoid clones, created from genetic material derived from Adam itself, with the exception of Unit-01. Its donor material came from Lilith, making it the most essential to either Third Impact scenario. Units-01 and 02 are different in that they're each imbued with a unique 'operating system' if you will. Shinji, Asuka, think for a moment-whenever your sync rates have climbed higher while operating your EVAs, what did you feel?"

Both pilots gave it some thought before each responded.

"When I went up against the Third Angel," Shinji began to say, "right before it went berserk, I could almost feel a...familiar presence. It felt warm...caring...protective."

"That was...the same thing I felt," Asuka said. "I...I never thought to ask why..."

"It's because both of your mothers never actually died," Naoko stated. "The truth is, when they each underwent the first contact experiments with their respective EVAs, those...things took that most sacred part of ourselves: their very souls."

The teens reeled from that revelation. Unit-01 and Unit-02, powered by...human souls?

"Unit-01 absorbed Yui Ikari whole, leaving her body reduced to a state of what would be called 'primordial soup'. Unit-02 did something else because of the precautions Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu took. Instead, her soul was split in two-the part of it with all her motherly love for you, Asuka, was absorbed into the EVA's core. What was left was the spiritually deformed woman you knew until her death. When her body died, the two halves of her soul reunited in EVA-02's core. That is why the two of you are able to sync with your EVAs naturally-your own mothers are inside them, protecting you, enabling you to control them. It's why you two were specifically chosen to pilot them."

"Gott..." Asuka muttered. "What about Rei and Toji? Are their...?"

"What Unit-00's core contains, I honestly have no idea," Naoko replied. "When Units 03 through 05 were built, by then they'd figured out a way around that aspect of the cores. Units 01 and 02 are the exceptions."

Naoko could see that this was all a lot to take in for the pilots and their friends. "It's best I stop here for now. I don't know how much more you could take of this. There are other details you'll learn in time, but for now, I need to warn you. If anyone finds out how much you know, SEELE or Gendo won't waste any time in silencing you, or who knows what. There are a few people that will be able to help you along the way. Ryoji Kaji has been acting as a triple agent, spying on both NERV and SEELE on behalf of the U.N. and the Japanese government. Only recently did he take Major Katsuragi into his confidence. Those two, you can trust. Soon, my daughter will join them-even as we speak, she's being given information on the true cause of my death."

Everyone was silent for a few minutes, before Shinji and Asuka spoke up.

"There's something we don't understand," Shinji said. "Based on what you told us about my father, you've got good reason for haunting NERV."

"Basically," Asuka began to add, "what's in it for you besides getting back at Commander asshat?"

Naoko was a bit surprised at her question, but still answered. "Yes, I do want Gendo to suffer for what he did to me, I want him to go crazy enough that he'll be fit for a padded cell, but I also want to make sure his, and SEELE's, scenarios never come to pass. Most of all, I want to save my daughter's soul; she's in danger of becoming forever tainted by her unwilling participation in these plans. But you should know, I myself am not responsible for the haunting of the Geofront. If I were to metaphorically set foot in there, the MAGI would identify me in an instant. I could wind up imprisoned in an EVA's core. It's why I hired an...outsider during my time in limbo. He's the one who's unleashed all those terrors upon NERV Central, and upon the other NERV branches. Even now, he's speaking with Ritsuko."

The teens continued to stay quiet.

"Listen to me very carefully," Naoko implored. "Under no circumstances are you to mention any of what we discussed, especially those of you who aren't pilots. Not a word must be spoken-it could hamper the plans of myself and my associate, and would endanger your lives." She then focused on the EVA pilots. "Shinji, Asuka, Rei, when you find the time, speak with Kaji and Misato. That's the only exception I can think of. The same will go for Ritsuko when she's brought into the loop." A small smile then graced her lips. "I suggest you try and get in touch with your mothers the next time you have a sync test going on. But be careful-do not let your sync rates climb to a level high enough that it'll alert others, they'll become suspicious. Furthermore, you'll need to keep yourselves prepared-there are still four Angels coming that must be dealt with. My associate will help you with each one when the time comes. After that, the true battle will begin."

Everyone in the room nodded their heads, letting her know they'd do as she'd asked. Something then came to Asuka, as she then asked concernedly, "_SCHEISSE_, I just remembered! Us pilots have a Section Two detail that always follows us-what if they've been listening in this whole time?!"

"Don't worry about them," Naoko assured her, "my associate made sure something would keep them distracted while we talked."

**A Section Two van parked outside the apartment complex...**

It'd been a strange afternoon for the pilots' Section Two detail, as the minute Mayumi began the séance, their listening devices were beset by some unusual interference. Instead of audio from inside the apartment, a certain song kept playing over and over:

_Sugar (do do do do do do)_

_Oh, honey honey (do do do do do do)_

_You are my candy girl,_

_And you got me wantin' you..._

None of the agents could do anything or even go to investigate the interference, as something locked all the doors and windows of the van they were stationed in. Even the window glass couldn't be broken, as if for some strange reason its composition had been changed to a rubber-like substance.

**The apartment...**

"...Thank you," Shinji said to Naoko, "for speaking with us."

"We've...we've got a lot to think about," Asuka added. The others nodded in agreement.

"I know you'll be able to get through this," Naoko said. "You support and care for each other greatly, and although you may not think it, there are people who do care about and believe in you. Count me as one of them." She then bowed before saying, "We'll meet again, hopefully. Farewell, for now..." She then hung up the phone, and the cloud vanished.

Rei and Mayumi then blew out the candles while Mana turned the lights back up. All agreed to keep quiet of everything that went down, for their own safety; as far as anyone else would know, they'd been having a group study session for school. Soon, everyone but Mayumi and Mana filed out of the apartment and said their goodbyes as they headed home their respective ways. For the three initial EVA pilots, a lot was on their minds, and most of it wasn't good. They were going to need some time to decompress from all they'd just learned.

**The parking garage, around the same time...**

Ritsuko was shocked and appalled by what she'd just learned. To hear that her mother had not only been used by the very man she was seeing right now, but that he'd gaslighted her into murdering a child in a rage...it was almost too much for her to comprehend. She felt like she was going to collapse. Anxiously, she held herself against a column while she reached into her pocket for a cigarette...

"Wouldn't do dat, if I was youse," Deep Pipes warned. "Trust me, no amount o' nicotine's gonna take yer mind off all th' gory details. Also, you'll smell a lil' better once youse lay off th' doomsticks. Among udder health benefits..."

Ritsuko looked up and glared at Deep Pipes. "Says the man with the cheap cigar."

"What, dis?" he said as he held his stogie up. "Just fer show, adds ta my character. Anyhoo, youse look like youse got yerself a lot ta tink over, but word o' advice: might wanna start rethinkin' yer priorities and yer personal ties. Might wanna stop keepin' people at arms' length too, while yer at it. Like Misato and Kaji, fer instance-dey might be good allies in th' long run. Same wit' da pilots. And especially wit' a soitan someone who's been carryin' a torch fer youse fer a long time, right under yer nose..."

Ritsuko was surprised by that particular detail. "A secret admirer...?"

"You'll know 'em when youse see 'em. Well, I'd love ta stay an' chat more, but I gotta be somewheres else in a bit. Keep all that info close ta youse, let only people ya really trust see it. You'll figger th' rest out. Now, ya might wanna get back to HQ before someone notices youse been gone long. Catch ya later..."

With that, Ritsuko turned to leave, manila envelopes in-arm. Before she got past two steps, Deep Pipes spoke up again.

"Oh, and one more ting..." he started to say. Ritsuko turned around to see his arm outstretched, holding a cardboard box held together with string, with a small paper bag on top.

"What's this?" she asked as she took the bundle from him.

"Remember dose bagels I mentioned? You'll need dese ta keep yer alibi intact. Th' lox an' shmear's in da bag. See ya," he said as he stepped back and seemed to vanish into the shadows. Ritsuko looked around, then turned and left the parking garage to head back to NERV HQ.

**NERV HQ, one subway and tram ride later...**

Ritsuko managed to get back to HQ by the time the staff was piling into the break room. Her bagels (with their accompanying toppings) proved to be a hit with the bridge staff and Misato.

"Man, Rits, where'd you get these?" asked Misato after excitedly wolfing hers down.

"Misato, settle down a bit," Ritsuko said, imitating a New York yenta, "you're gettin' so _verklempt_ you might _plotz_!" Ritsuko then headed to her own office with the envelopes still on her person, and quietly put them into a larger folder that she'd take home with her. She had a lot of info to cover, mainly to verify if everything that Deep Pipes had told her was true.

**Above Tokyo-3, mid-evening...**

Beetlejuice and Naoko reconvened somewhere above the apartment complex the three main EVA pilots called home.

"I take it your 'errand' was successful?" Naoko asked.

"Does Johnny Depp look ridiculous in pirate _chic_?" Beetlejuice quipped in response. "Yeah, it wuz a lot fer Ritzy to take in, but whatever lil' seeds I planted'll probably bear fruit in no time. (And she's probably now queen o' the break room.) How 'bout you? How'd the talk with the kiddies go?"

"It...it was a lot for all of them to understand," she replied warily. "I almost was afraid a few of them might have nervous breakdowns right then. It seems I underestimated them. I made sure to keep Rei's role quiet for now, and I expect that Shinji and Asuka will be posing the right questions to the right people soon. All that's left is for us to continue on with our plans. Speaking of which, what is it you're having Rei do tonight?"

Beetlejuice smiled devilishly as he answered. "Just a lil' something to screw with yer ex juuuust a bit more."

They then looked down to see Rei, clad in all-black ninja garb and carrying a small satchel, leaving her apartment as she signaled for her partners-in-crime to 'give her a lift'. Beetlejuice then levitated her into the air, and the three of them headed toward's Gendo's residence. Once there, Beetlejuice set Rei down on the roof, and she quietly made her way inside through the skylight. Her outfit was laced with all sorts of sensor-disrupting micro devices, making her quite undetectable to any of the security measures inside the Commander's home. She soon made her way to the bathroom, specifically to the shower. Once inside, she opened her satchel and removed a bottle identical to that of the Commander's shampoo, with which she then switched. She then did the same with the bottle of beard oil on the Commander's sink. The contents of the bottles she'd just placed would have a drastically different effect on the Commander's hair come the morning. Rei then quickly doubled back the way she came, and signaled for Beetlejuice to help her up. The trio then floated back to her apartment in no time flat, where she quickly removed her mask as she opened her front door.

"Mission accomplished, kid?" Beetlejuice asked, rubbing his hands in anticipation.

Rei smiled a very sly kind of smile before she answered. "Oh yeah," she affirmed while chuckling softly. "'Hair today, gone tomorrow,' Commander Ikari-heeheeheehee..."

**END Chapter 8.**

**Author's Note(s)**

**And so ends part two of the 'revelations' segment of this story. Probably the first time in this story I've been this dramatic.**

**BJ finally gets to use Columbo's signature line with this chapter!**

**Minor Burton reference for this one, if only about one of his longtime collaborators (currently in some hot water of late).**

**Rei's little act of subterfuge will pay off next chapter, as we finally see what happens in my version of the battle with Zeruel...**


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 - Zeruel's Tiny Phobia **

Gendo Ikari woke up the next morning groggy, his sleep having come in fits and starts throughout the previous night. Still, if he were to maintain any sense of normality in his life, despite the strange occurrences bedeviling him of late, he was going to stick to his normal routine. So he dragged himself out of bed, made himself a simple breakfast, and then went to take a shower. Of course, he didn't know of Rei's infiltration last night as he squeezed what he believed was his shampoo out of the bottle, unaware in his semi-sleep-deprived state of what it was doing to him that very moment. After finishing his shower, he then went over to his sink, and among other things rubbed some beard oil throughout his chin, the contents of the bottle also as fast-acting as the 'shampoo'. It was a minute later that Gendo started to feel a noticeable difference this morning. For some reason, it felt drafty on the top of his head and below his face. A small amount of panic started to emerge as he began wiping the condensation off his bathroom mirror. When he got a clear look at his reflection, he let out a great, shocked gasp.

Outside the bathroom, unknown to Gendo, stood Beetlejuice in the form of Ferris Bueller. He looked our way as he said, "Here's where Gendo goes berserk."

For the next fourteen seconds, were one to have a greater sense of hearing, the loudest sound that could be heard throughout the entire Tokyo-3 metropolitan area was that of Gendo Ikari screaming.

**NERV HQ, the Geofront, two hours later...**

All was quiet in Central Dogma as everyone settled into their respective stations, with the three 'bridge bunnies' at their consoles, Misato overseeing them, Ritsuko going over some data, and Fuyutsuki dutifully waiting for the Commander to arrive so they could head to his office. Eventually, the door to Central Dogma opened, and the Commander stepped in for a brief inspection. Fuyutsuki did a double-take as soon as he saw Gendo, since the Commander seemed to have undergone a very...remarkable change. Soon others on the bridge took notice, doing double-takes of their own at the startling sight in front of them.

Gendo Ikari, commander of NERV and generally exuding a very cold and intimidating presence, was completely bald and beardless.

It was a very startling difference indeed for those who'd known that the Commander had a certain look to him, one that unfortunately had been ingrained into their minds for the longest time. It took all their willpower to not stare as Gendo made his way up to Fuyutsuki, signaling for them to head into his office.

"Are...Are you all right, Ikari?" Fuyutsuki resolved to ask, hoping that it wouldn't touch off his former student given his present state of mind.

"...I am fine. I believe we have a meeting to get to," Gendo replied, doing his best to maintain his trademark facade as the two commanders left the bridge. Once those remaining were certain that the commanders were out of earshot, they stopped holding it in and let the proverbial dam break.

All present within Central Dogma burst into loud howls of laughter.

"Did you-did you see him?" Shigeru asked between laughs. "I can't believe-he's a freakin' cueball!"

"I gotta be honest," Makoto admitted through his chortling, "I almost didn't make it before he left."

"I *a-heh-heh* I swear, he looks like an Asian Rob Corddry!" Maya added as she tried to stifle her giggling, to no avail.

Ritsuko was probably laughing the hardest, as she needed to support herself on the console next to her with one arm while the other held her side.

"Okay, okay, nobody do anything else today, I want THAT to be the highlight of my day!" the scientist managed to get out before falling back into laughter.

Misato was close to collapsing on top of her, since she was clutching at both her sides. "Oh man, it's gonna be so hard to keep a straight face around him going forward...And I don't even know if I should care!"

Out in the halls on the way to Gendo's office, the two commanders passed by Kaji, who also did his own double-take. After getting the stink-eye from Gendo, Kaji continued at his pace...before ducking into the men's room and letting out one big belly laugh at what he'd just seen.

At the same time, Shinji, Asuka, Rei and Toji had just gotten to the locker rooms to prep for the sync test they were having that morning when the commanders passed them by. All four stared for a moment before averting their gazes as Gendo briefly looked their way while he continued on. As soon as they were out of sight though, the four pilots did THEIR own double-takes, looked at each other, and immediately burst into laughter.

"Hahaha...ha...What the heck happened to my father?" Shinji asked as he tried to catch his breath.

"Yeah, it's like he woke up on the wrong side of the barber's chair!" Asuka said before laughter overcame her.

Toji held himself while he got his piece in. "I know I'm the newbie here, but is it gonna be normal for me to do my best NOT to crack up every time he gives me an order?" The laughter kept going for a few minutes at that, before the pilots stepped into their respective locker rooms to change.

Moments later, Gendo had just gotten into place for his meeting with the Committee. Soon the monolithic numbered holograms appeared, concealing the faces of the Committee's membership.

"Ikari," Lorenz Kihl greeted in a neutral tone. "On time as al-...Did something happen to you?" he inquired. Although his face was hidden, one of his eyebrows was raised at the sight of Gendo's new appearance.

"It is a long story that bears no retelling," Commander Ikari replied.

"I see..." Kihl replied, his voice betraying no emotion. "Could you excuse us for a moment?"

Soon all 12 holograms faded from view, while unknown to Gendo the members of the Committee, including Kihl, took a minute to secretly have a hearty laugh at their colleague's expense. Once they got it out of their systems, the holograms returned and the Committee began discussing the coming of the 14th Angel.

**The Testing Room, while the meeting was going on...**

All four pilots had gotten into their entry plugs for another round of testing, while the staff monitored from the observation booth. While Rei and Toji were occupied with concentrating on helping with the data readings, Shinji and Asuka covertly took Naoko's advice and subtly began to reach out to their respective mothers inside the cores of the EVAs. Surprisingly, it managed to work. It was a reunion ten years in the making for each of them. Right now, Shinji was speaking with his mom in Unit-01, doing his best to catch up without drawing any undue attention in the real world.

"Shinji, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this," Yui apologized. "Trust me when I say, if I weren't stuck here, I'd be using your father like Bruce Lee uses mobs of hired goons as training dummies."

"It's all right, Mom," Shinji replied. "(Although I wouldn't mind seeing that.) I'm glad Dr. Akagi-the elder, that is-let me know where you were. I should let you know, your cello's in good hands. I've taken very good care of it."

"Nice to know you got some of my other talents," Yui said. "On another note, what's this I hear about you having a girlfriend...?"

"Oh, Mom..." Shinji replied, blushing.

Over in Unit-02, said girlfriend was mentally 'chatting away' with her own mother. They'd gotten through a lot of the apologies and Kyoko's remorse over the way she-or rather, half of her-treated Asuka. Now they were making a bit of 'girl talk'...

"I still can't believe you wore your hair like that!" said Asuka, referring to the photo Naoko had shown her and her friends. "Seriously, what were you guys thinking?"

"_Schneiden Sie mich etwas lockerer, schätzchen,_" Kyoko simply replied, "it was the 90's! We all really thought it was cool! Think of it like this, just imagine what YOUR kids will say when they see YOUR photos from now."

"Mooommm!" Asuka groaned with embarrassment, "Shinji and I aren't even THERE yet!"

"Speaking of," Kyoko said, "I must say, you picked well. Though what's this I see about his 'musician's fingers', hmmm...?"

Asuka turned beet red at that. Suddenly, she felt her mother's expression turn to mild surprise.

"Don't be alarmed, Asuka," Kyoko warned, "but I think more 'friends' of Naoko's associate are going to be popping in soon..."

All of a sudden, the lights went out. More than a few groans were heard, as many weren't expecting a repeat of the day the 9th Angel came, since a blackout had occurred during that incident. Fortunately, this time the lights were only off briefly; unfortunately, as soon as they came back on, a shocked and terrified staff, from Misato and Ritsuko to the techs, found themselves caught in the middle of a netherworld frat boy party. "Woolly Bully" by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs blasted out of the speaker system, while the staff was beset by the dancing and drinking of the many toga-clad ghosts, goblins and other undead uglies that were turning the booth into essentially "Halloween at Delta House". Misato and Ritsuko jumped out of the way as a Belushi-looking ghost ran by shouting "TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA!", while Makoto was unlucky enough to be paraded around in a mosh pit formed in the center of the booth.

The same Belushi ghost, as soon as he saw Shigeru playing air guitar (since the tech was trying to blend in to avoid Makoto's fate), grabbed said air guitar and proceeded to nonchalantly smash it to pieces against the wall; Shigeru was dumbfounded, since he could have sworn he actually _heard_ the air guitar actually being smashed, despite seeing only, well, air. The pilots, seeing all this from the feeds in their plugs, were thrown for a loop by what was going on in front of them. Well, all except for Rei, who surprised her fellow pilots when they noticed her enthusiastically chanting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" while waving her fist in the air as she watched a particularly heavy-set ghost down an entire two kegs.

Toji's face then popped up on his fellow pilots' screens. "You guys SERIOUSLY deal with this all the time?!" he asked exasperatingly.

Then, as soon as the song finished, the lights went out again, only to come back on just as fast. Asuka, Shinji, and Toji blinked, as the booth was now seemingly back to normal, with not even a mess left in the wake of the spectral party-goers. The staff, on the other hand, were left a bit frazzled and disheveled by the experience. Ritsuko staggered to the comms and pressed the button to speak with the pilots.

"P-p-pilots," Ritsuko stammered out, "that will be all for this morning. You're dismissed." She then fainted, her falling form caught by Misato.

**Outside Tokyo-3, hours after the test finished abruptly...**

"So the 14th Angel is coming soon?" Naoko asked Beetlejuice as they floated above the city.

"Yep," the bio-exorcist replied, "one o' my weasels clued me in on its movements. The next one's a BIG fella-makes Godzilla look like a newt. Terms o' attitude, well, as the Croce-man once sang, he's badder than ol' King Kong n' meaner than a junkyard dog."

"How do you plan to help the children deal with it?" Naoko then asked.

Beetlejuice smiled a wide, toothy grin as he answered. "For that, we're gonna need heavy artillery just as big and bad as him, even if we're just gonna use it for psychin' the lummox out. And I know just where ta get it..."

Beetlejuice, moments later, found himself at a government warehouse at the far edge of the city. Slipping inside, he eyed the enormous bulk that lay under a large tarp with a scheming glint in his peepers. He knew that what was underneath was perfect for the plan. It just needed a few...modifications...

"Man," he chuckled to himself, "what is it with Japan and humongous robots...?"

**Late afternoon...**

Making its descent from the air was the aforementioned 14th Angel. Zeruel, the Angel of Might, eyed the target destination ahead, a cold determination in its approach.

**"Nice night for a walk,"** Zeruel said in a deep, almost heavily-accented voice that exuded pure intimidation. The air-intercept systems of the city failed to so much as make a scratch in its hide, even without its AT-Field. Soon, the inhuman colossus turned its gaze on the spot of land that was the first major armor layer up on the surface. It powered up its cross beam and prepared to fire.

**"Open, sesame,"** Zeruel said as it unleashed a powerful blast.

**The Geofront, at that moment...**

"Armor layers one through eighteen have been breached!" a technician shouted as the results played out on a monitor.

"Eighteen layers of special armor at once?!" Makoto wondered in astonishment.

Misato knew there'd be trouble with this one as she eyed a map of the area. "The EVAs won't make it there in time for a ground level intercept. All EVAs are to be positioned for combat inside the Geofront...directly in front of HQ." Misato was very solemn with her words. This fight was going to be unlike the prior ones, in that she feared it was going to be brutal, with a capital 'B'. As soon as the order was given, all four EVAs were launched from the catapults.

"Pilots, you're to engage the target as soon as it breaches the Geofront," Misato ordered. She then looked to Maya. "Where's Unit-00 being stationed?"

"It'll be placed in the AT-Field Neutralization Zone," Maya replied.

"However, the left arm hasn't fully regenerated yet," Ritsuko warned.

"You hear that, Rei? You're gonna be acting in a support capacity this round," Misato said.

"Roger," Rei replied. _BJ, I hope you know what you're doing,_ she thought to herself, remembering what Beetlejuice had told her the night before.

Another blast then tore through another layer. "One more hit, and all the armor layers'll have been breached!" Shigeru reported.

Misato looked on at the main monitor with grim determination. "It's up to you guys..." she said, wishing the pilots luck in her own way.

Soon enough, Zeruel had done it: a freshly-opened hole allowed him to descend into the Geofront. The four EVAs watched his appearance from afar.

"Here it comes..." Asuka solemnly warned.

Toji's eyes went wide when he saw the Angel. "They want us to fight THAT?!"

"We warned you about what you were getting into," Shinji reminded his friend. Toji swallowed.

Shinji was armed with a pallet rifle, Toji and Asuka both carried a grenade and rocket launcher, and Rei was stationed off to the side with a positron rifle. All four had their weapons trained on the approaching Zeruel.

"NOW!" Asuka barked as she gave the signal to fire. Soon, all four EVAs launched a full salvo against Zeruel, though to little effect, as no matter how many plumes of smoke and fire they covered it in, Zeruel still landed slowly till it reached the ground and began making its approach.

"It...it isn't even dented..." Toji said with worry.

"Awww, _SCHEISSE_, what're we gonna do now?!" Asuka asked with alarm. She then motioned to one of the weapons caches the EVAs were parked next to. "Everyone, reload!" The pilots then took Asukas word immediately as a new cache emerged from the ground and they helped themselves to the fresh ammo and weapons. "We can't let it get any closer, no matter what!" The quartet soon fired another volley at the Angel, again to no effect.

Zeruel then looked at its attackers, and began to unfold its paper-thin arms till they were fully extended.

**"Nothing personal,"** the Angel of Might said, to the surprise of its opponents and the staff in Central Dogma. **"but I must break you."**

It then sent its arms shooting out at the EVAs, going for Unit-03 first. Toji, on impulse, jumped out of the way, but not far enough that Zeruel's right arm was able to slice off his EVA's left set of toes.

"YAAAAARRRRGH!" Toji cried with pain, clutching his foot, even though it was still intact.

"BASTARD!" an angry Shinji shouted. He then tossed his spent weapon away, grabbed a prog-glaive and started rushing towards Zeruel.

"Shinji, don't!" Yui cried from within the EVA. Unfortunately she was too late, as Zeruel's left arm sliced off both of the forearms of Unit-01 with one swift stroke. The pain both mother and son felt was unbearable.

Zeruel then turned its attention to Unit-02. Asuka snarled at the approaching behemoth.

"All right, _arschloch_, ya wanna get nuts? C'MON! Let's get nuts!" she yelled as she drew her prog-knife.

"Asuka, wait! Think about what you're-" Kyoko pleaded as her daughter came at Zeruel with great fury.

Zeruel showed no reaction. **"Such heroic nonsense,"** it said nonchalantly as its arms flew forward. Asuka leaped upwards thinking she was in the clear, only to see that she was very much mistaken, if the ankles of Unit-02 falling off at the knees were any indicator. Asuka doubled over in pain, clutching at her legs, while Kyoko tried to calm her down.

"Quickly! Cut the sync rates down!" Ritsuko ordered. "It'll lessen the pain for the pilots, hurry!" The bridge bunnies quickly did so, and soon the three pilots could get their bearings.

Far from the battlefield, Kaji watched from his watermelon patch, worry on his face. "C'mon, kids," he said, "you're the best we've got. We're counting on you..."

Back on the battlefield, the pilots struggled to get themselves back up. Zeruel then launched a blast at the pyramid-like structure that was NERV HQ.

Behind her hillside cover, Rei was getting worried.

_C'mon, BJ,_ she thought warily, _you're_ _taking your sweet time now..._

Finally, she got desperate and reached for her 'contingency plan'. Her cargo now in her good arm, she then got up and broke into a run. This didn't go unnoticed by the other pilots and the staff in Central Dogma.

"What the hell's she doing?!" Misato shouted.

Ritsuko noticed the cargo in Unit-00's arm. "An N-2 warhead?!" she gasped. "Does she mean to blow herself up?!"

For once, Gendo Ikari was aghast, as he saw her rushing to her supposed doom. "REI!" he yelled.

Rei didn't pay attention, focusing on Zeruel, who turned to face her as she got closer. Finally, she managed to get close enough to penetrate Zeruel's AT-Field, as she willed her own to full power. Soon, she managed to get the warhead through, and stuck it into Zeruel's exposed core-just as the two halves of its protective 'shell' closed on the warhead at the same time, setting it off. A large explosion and a blinding flash erupted from the detonation, and when the smoke cleared, Unit-00 collapsed, heavily damaged.

"REI!" the pilots and Misato shouted simultaneously.

_Ugh,_ Rei groaned to herself, _not one of my better ideas..._

**"Pathetic,"** Zeruel said, barely scorched by the blast, though his casing was slightly dinged. The Angel then turned once more towards Central Dogma, readying itself for another blast of its beam. Before it even started charging up, it paused, noticing a faint sound in the distance. Soon, the sound became louder and clearer to the pilots and the staff in Central Dogma: they were footsteps. Giant footsteps.

"Oh god, don't tell me the _15th_ Angel decided to show up early!" Misato said while Makoto quickly typed in a command for any cameras in that direction to magnify the approaching object.

"Major, the MAGI picked up the bogie's pattern," Makoto reported.

"Status?" she asked.

"Pattern...Oh boy," Makoto said, as he started wiping his glasses to make sure he wasn't seeing things. "It's pattern...tie-dye, just like the fight with the 12th!"

"WHAT?!" Misato, Ritsuko, and even Fuyutsuki and Gendo all said, befuddled. Makoto then had the cameras zoom in further for a closer look, then pulled them back as the object got closer and closer. When it became clearer, all eyes in Central Dogma went wide with astonishment.

Shinji turned in the direction of the footsteps. When he did, a look of utter bewilderment graced his face. Approaching the battlefield was something he NEVER thought he'd be seeing again. A sentiment echoed by a few other people who also had experience with the object in question.

Shinji: "You've..."

Makoto: "...gotta..."

Ritsuko: "...be..."

Misato: "...kidding me!"

Coming towards the battlefield, after being out of action for months, was the colossal robot built by Japan Heavy Chemical Industries as a would-be replacement for the Evangelions: Jet Alone. When it was first unveiled, Gendo had ordered Ritsuko to program an infection of the robot with a virus that would send it out of control. The sabotage was successful, perhaps too successful, and required Shinji to hold it off in Unit-01 while Misato got inside it to shut it down, since its nuclear core was in danger of a meltdown. The last anyone had heard of it, Jet Alone had been confiscated by the government, NERV was hailed as the heroes, and JHCI was humiliated.

Now, here the (Beetlejuice-possessed) robot was, walking-no, _strutting_-into the middle of the fight. It looked very different from before-the control rods that usually stuck out of its back were gone, replaced by a black-and-white-striped satin overcoat that hung like a regal cloak from its shoulders. A matching white fedora with a red band and a feather sticking out was on top of its head, and a red corsage hung from the upper left section of its chest. A gigantic, diamond-topped cane was gripped in its right hand.

Even more astounding to those who saw it coming? It actually came strutting in accompanied by its own soul-filled, funky theme song:

_**Oooohhh he's bad.**__ (Baaaaaaadddddd...)_

**_The mech is outta sight._**

**_He's a walkin' talkin' megaton,_**

**_And he's all metal might._**

**_I-I-I-I-I heard he was comin'_**

_**Even before his ti-hi-ime..**__.__**(Now I ain't lyin'.)**_

**_Hey listen-on the day that he was built, his creator held a sign,_**

**_Sayin' 'Jet Alone is here!', and this big, bad bruiser is miiiine..._**

_**Yeah-yeah-yee-hee-yeah Jet Alone!**__ (Jet Alone x10)_

_**Oh, mech you motor on!**__ (Jet Alone x10)_

**_Jet Alone! Man, mech you're in the zone!_**

**_Jet Alone! Yeah, yeah..._**

Jet Alone came to a stop a few feet from Zeruel and the EVAs, planting the bottom tip of its cane firmly in the ground with both hands on the diamond top. It looked at the Angel of Might with an aura of equal parts calm and swagger.

**"Who are you supposed to be?"** Zeruel inquired of the newcomer condescendingly. **"The bot-father of soul?"**

Jet Alone at first said nothing, then raised its left hand as it pointed to Zeruel with an almost-mocking finger.

**"B*+(#, are you fo' real?!"** the pimped-out robot asked in turn.

The human spectators were stunned.

"Did it just...?" Misato started to ask.

"Oh no he didn't!" Maya said.

Zeruel was not amused. **"Very crude. Your vocabulary could use a refresher. Now who are you?"**

**"Who am I? WHO AM I?,"** the robot answered with mock offense. **"Fool, I'm here ta let ya know that Jet Alone is back on the scene! Ta let ya know that Jet Alone is my name, and frakkin' up motha frakkers is my game!"**

If Zeruel had any eyebrows, one of them would be raised right now in confusion. _**"Jet Alone?"**_

**"YEP, I'm Jet Alone,"** the Beetlejuice-possessed mecha replied, **"I'm the one that killed Monday, whupped Tuesday and put Wednesday in the hospital! Called up Thursday to tell Friday not to bury Saturday on Sunday!"**

"_WAS ZUR HöLLE_ is he talking about?" a bewildered Asuka asked.

"Ooh, I haven't heard anything like that since university!" Kyoko marveled. Asuka 'looked' at her confused. "I took a class on blaxploitation films in my sophomore year," she clarified to her daughter.

In Central Dogma, Shigeru made a startling discovery. "Major! I just had our radiation sensors do a sweep of the robot. It's weird, but there's not a single thing of nuclear material present at all!"

"Confirmed," Maya added, "scans on all wavelengths show that the core of Jet Alone is missing!"

"Are you serious?" Misato asked. "Then what the hell is that thing running on?"

An eerie realization then hit Ritsuko. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but...given what's been going on lately, there's a strong possibility that there's a literal ghost in that machine."

"You mean that thing's possessed?!" Makoto asked. Ritsuko slowly, warily nodded.

"This day just keeps getting better and better," Sub-commander Fuyutsuki said resignedly.

Zeruel eyed Jet Alone with scorn, even if his face couldn't really express it. **"These four pathetic abominations barely stood a chance against me. What makes you think you can do any better?"**

**"HA! Lookit you, askin' me 'how can I do any better?',"** Jet Alone replied cockily. **"Unlike you, ya standin'-stiff-as-a-board, paper-thin-armed, born-insecure motha frakker, ****ALL**** my limbs are ****_three-dy-mensional_****, and I ain't afraid ta use these deadly weapons. I know ALL eight animal styles..."** Jet Alone then demonstrated the stances of each style:

**"Th' crane!"**

**"Th' stag!"**

**"Th' horse!"**

**"Th' tiger!"**

**"Th' bat!"**

**"Th' rat!"**

**"Th' monkey!"**

**"Th' beetle!"**

With that one, he proceeded to play air drums in the style of Ringo Starr. **"Any questions, jiiive-turkey?!" **

Toji couldn't help but snicker at that comment, which ended up drawing the attention of his fellow pilots. "What? Ya gotta admit, the Angel does kinda look like a roast turkey," he said in his own defense.

Jet Alone then pointed to Zeruel's arms. **"When I get through wit' ya, I'm gonna rip them tee-pee arms outta yer sockets, and make ya wipe yer ass with 'em!"**

A collective shocked gasp could be heard throughout Central Dogma as everyone grew ever more tense.

"WELP, that's it-we're boned!" Shigeru said cynically.

**"Very well,"** Zeruel said, **"it HAS been a long time since since I have had a challenger with so much braggadocio to spare."** It then put up its arms in a boxer's stance, and then-to the shock of the humans observing it-held its breath to inflate both arms into the shape of what one Terry Bollea would call 'a pair of twenty-force pythons'. **"Prepare for extermination."**

Jet Alone then got into its own fighting stance, wielding its cane in its right hand like a quarterstaff. **"To all y'all tiny folk watchin', listen up! Some folks'll tell, that the baddest motha frakker is Zee-ru-el. But I want you to hold onto your seats. And hold onto them tight-don't ya DARE go prone. 'Cause you now gettin' ready to see the story of me. Yes, me! The big badass bot. Jet Alone! Can ya dig it?"**

The two giants then stared each other down, each anticipating which of them would make the first move. All human eyes glued to the action watched with trepidation, and knew that if they were going to live to see another day, they'd need to root for the pimped-out mecha trash-talking like the late, great Rudy Ray Moore.

Finally, both combatants rushed at each other as funkified 'kung-fu' music filled the air. Jet Alone leaped into the air to strike with a flying kick, blocked by Zeruel with one of its arms while it used the other to throw the first punch. Jet Alone caught the fist in its free hand, and used the one gripping the cane to thrust the diamond-topped portion right between Zeruel's eyes. Though the Angel's AT-Field minimized the damage of the impact, it did make Zeruel stagger backwards a bit. Jet Alone then went for a karate chop, parried by Zeruel's left bicep. Zeruel then came with a right hook that successfully made contact with Jet Alone's chest, making the mecha stagger backwards. Jet Alone recovered quickly and quickly sent a straight kick to Zeruel's lower regions, with enough force in the punt to send the Angel of Might flying back by a small amount of yardage in an arc; the Angel eventually came down on its back, only to rise back up and fire a cross beam.

Jet Alone dodged it and took the opportunity to use a bit of 'Kung Stooge' technique by poking Zeruel in the eyes, even if the AT-Field minimized the impact. It definitely did annoy Zeruel further, making it swing its massive arms forward, till it had Jet Alone in a wrestling hold. Zeruel then pulled Jet Alone into a massive piledriver, yet strangely the mecha's hat and cloak stayed put, as if by force of will. Jet Alone got back up and then got Zeruel in the back with a dual-kick followed by another thrust of his cane into what would be the small of Zeruel's back, making the Angel fall face-forward. Zeruel used its arms to spring back up, quickly twist around, and then grab Jet Alone by the arms, swerving into a powerful throw that sent the mecha flying a few yards into a hillside, leaving an imprint upon impact. Zeruel then advanced towards Jet Alone, having now converted his arms back into their razor-thin forms, and raised them as if ready to get into a shredding frenzy.

**"Any last words, before I turn you into so many sheets of tin foil that you could fill a whole factory?"** Zeruel asked its fallen opponent.

Jet Alone looked up at Zeruel and lifted its closed left hand upwards before it answered. **"Yeah, I do: 'Say hallo, to mah leetle friend!'"**

Jet Alone's hand then opened, and Zeruel, suspicious, leaned in closer to take a look. What it saw made its eyes bug out. Makoto had one of the cameras nearby zoom in on what Zeruel was fixated on, a feed that was synced with the four EVAs, and once done, it inspired a collective feeling of "WTF?" among both the occupants of Central Dogma and the pilots (save for Rei).

In the hand of the colossal smooth-talkin' robot was a small brown mouse, with a round head and a slight paunch. A mouse that looked back up at Zeruel, causing the Angel to slightly recoil. The mouse then stood up on its hind legs, stretched for a bit, cleared its throat, and did something no one expected.

It roared. It roared a very fierce, very leonine roar.

What happened next was something no one could ever forget, if only because of the sheer absurdity of it all; and yet, it still had happened.

Zeruel, the Angel of Might, a colossal, inhuman, super-powerful juggernaut of a beast that humbled all four of NERV-central's Evangelions and nearly turned NERV HQ into a smoking ruin...assumed a pose only Edvard Munch could appreciate, and screamed like a little girl.

It then turned around swiftly and ran like hell away from the Geofront, at speeds that seemed to defy the laws of physics, given a creature of its size. It soon vanished over the horizon; those seeing it run had the distinct feeling that it wouldn't be back, ever.

The great feeling of "WTF?" intensified among the humans. They just couldn't believe it. Zeruel, the Angel of Might, the physically-strongest of the Angels, was deathly afraid of mice. _Mice._

"You mean..." a clearly-pissed Asuka started to say, "ALL we needed...to get this _verdammt_ Angel off our backs...was a F***ING MOUSE?!"

In Central Dogma, the feeling was mutual among most of the gathered staff as they started to pick their jaws up off of the floor. Others had more mixed feelings.

"I think I just gained a new respect for rodents," Ritsuko said.

Misato, after being speechless for the better part of five minutes, did her best to get professional again as she issued new orders. "All recovery and repair teams, mobilize and head out to start retrieving the EVAs. Let's get them back in and start repairs immediately. I also want the pilots sent to medical for some rest and recovery. They've earned it, after what they went through today." Everyone immediately got on it, without haste.

A greatly-astounded Gendo then got up from his command chair and proceeded to head out, towards his office. He needed to figure out how he was going to explain THIS to the Committee...

Meanwhile, Jet Alone picked itself up, stretched a few kinks out of its limbs, and proceeded to strut its way out of the Geofront, tipping its hat to the EVAs and Central Dogma as it left.

**NERV-Medical, later that evening...**

"Well, that was certainly an..._interesting_ outcome," Shinji commented as he lay in his hospital bed.

"Interesting? It freaking made no sense!" Asuka countered from her own bed.

Toji just laid there, reflecting on the battle. "You guys SURE this kind of thing's always happening when you fight Angels?"

"From what we know, it's only been this way ever since the 11th Angel," Rei replied. "After that, all our battles started getting crazier and crazier. I'm thinking of starting a pool for future fights-anyone want in?"

The other three pilots just stared at Rei, befuddled, before they all shrugged and laid back on their beds.

**Ritsuko Akagi's apartment, late evening...**

Ritsuko had put it off for a couple of days, but now she felt it was time. Time to go through the materials that Deep Pipes had given her back at the parking garage. To see if his story of the true circumstances behind her mother's death was, in fact, true. She'd already opened the envelopes and spread the photos, memos and other assorted papers out on a coffee table, and had now put one of the thumb drives into her computer and was going through the digital evidence. Right now she was intently focused on some CCTV footage from the day of Naoko's demise. Somehow, the footage had been synced with the listening devices planted throughout the Geofront, meaning she had full video and audio. Finally, she'd come to the part she'd been dreading: she watched as Gendo sent off Rei I to Naoko's work station, and had a hand to her mouth as her mother was goaded by the message Rei I relayed to her. She cringed as she saw her mother finally snap, and strangle the child to death. Then, the moment where a terrified Naoko leaped to her death elicited a horrified gasp from Ritsuko. That did it for NERV's head scientist, as she laid her head in her arms while she began weeping heavily.

**Gendo's office door, around the same time...**

Gendo walked wearily to his office door, already tired of the day he'd gone through. Waking up bald and clean-shaven was one thing; finding out that whatever substance caused the hair loss had halted the growth rate of his follicles was another thing; and watching the 14th Angel face off with something that looked like it'd come out of a bizarre mash-up of 'super-sentai'-style TV shows and American blaxploitation movies, only to flee in terror at the sight of a mere mouse, was ANOTHER THING altogether. The Commander of NERV-central let out a resigned sigh as he opened his office door. Once again, he was greatly taken aback by the changes brought upon his office. This time, more ghosts and ghouls were present, and they were having an early holiday party. All of them looked like something out of a freakish puppet show. Beetlejuice stretched up to Gendo with a plastic cup in-hand.

"Heeeeyyyy, chromedome! Yer just in time!" he greeted Gendo. "C'mon, lemme introduce ya to a couple of friends o' mine!" He then pointed to an approaching couple. The man looked like a skeleton in a finely-tailored, pinstriped tuxedo, while the woman had a very...patchwork look to her.

"Jack, Sally, meet Gendo, the guy whose pad we're usin'," said Beetlejuice as he introduced the couple to Gendo. "Gendo Ikari, Jack n' Sally. They always have the best parties this time o' year."

Gendo, not having lost the look of utter dread on his face, nonchalantly slammed the door behind him. He then took a couple of deep breaths, opened his eyes, and then opened his door again. Like before, his office was back to normal. He then closed the door behind him, walked to his desk, sat in his chair, and leaned back. He then screamed one thing that could be heard even five levels below his office.

"SERENITY NOOOOOWWWWW!"

On the netherworld side of things, Beetlejuice turned to Jack and Sally and just shrugged.

"What WAS his problem?" Jack wondered.

"Who knows?" replied Sally. "Maybe he's not a party person."

**END Chapter 9.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Writing my take on the battle with Zeruel was definitely a challenge, but I think I did okay in the end.**

**Speaking of, Zeruel's meant to be an over-the-top riff on Ahnuld and Dolph Lundgren, evidenced by the ****_Terminator _****and ****_Rocky IV _****quotes I used.**

**A few nods to 1986's ****_Transformers: The Movie _****are found in a few of the quotes used during the EVAs' fight with Zeruel.**

**For those who don't speak German, what Kyoko was saying was "Cut me some slack, sweetie".**

**Doing a riff on an iconic scene from ****_Ferris Bueller's Day Off _****I felt made Gendo's morning surprise all the more funnier.**

**The idea of a ghostly toga party was just random on my part, but I think it's effective.**

**Ah yes, the big set piece of this chapter. The idea of Beetlejuice possessing Jet Alone and the wackiness that followed was inspired by my recent viewing of the Eddie Murphy movie ****_Dolemite is My Name_****, a biopic of the comedian Rudy Ray Moore and the creation of his blaxploitation-spoofing alter-ego Dolemite. Though I did include a trademark ****_Scarface _****quote to sell the bit with the mouse, who is meant to resemble Jerry (as in ****_Tom and..._****). The theme song is a slight parody of Ben Taylor's original composition. Jet Alone's fighting stance bit is lifted from ****_Wayne's World 2_****.**

**The idea of Zeruel being scared of mice is based on that old urban legend of elephants being scared of those same critters.**

**A couple of Burton references this time around: ****_Batman _****gets quoted a second time thanks to Asuka, while Gendo bumps into the characters from the beloved holiday classic ****_The Nightmare Before Christmas_****. I'd imagine Mr. and Mrs. Skellington do throw pretty good parties.**


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 - Dream A Little Dream (Again), Gendo**

Ryoji Kaji had seen many things in all his time in the spy game. Yet lately, he found that he could still be surprised by a number of things. One prime example? The unexpected turn the fight with the 14th Angel took when a pimped-out, trash-talkin', kung-fu-fightin' Jet Alone arrived on the scene and proceeded to taunt and frighten away the behemoth using, of all things, a mouse. Kaji was speechless, with a look of utter confusion and astonishment as he lowered the binoculars from his eyes.

"Huh. Well there's something you don't see every day," he mused to himself. Then his look became serious as something just occurred to him.

"Sonuva-SEELE won't stay quiet for this..."

**A meeting of the Human Instrumentality Committee, around the same time...**

"More and more, the scenario continues to veer off course..." said Lorenz Kihl grimly while shaking his head, as he and the others discussed the strange way the battle against the 14th Angel ended.

"Off course?!" one committee member said, "It's going off the F***ING rails, man!"

"NONE of us imagined things would unfold like this!" another exclaimed. "I mean seriously, a giant _Dolemite_ robot? Who makes this $#!+ up?!"

"And it's not just this incident," a third member stated, "EVERY outcome since the 11th Angel is at the extremest of odds with our script!"

"It will not be easy to correct for this..." a fourth member said solemnly.

"Were we not mistaken to have entrusted NERV to Gendo Ikari in the first place?" a fifth member wondered. "I mean, have you seen the man lately? I swear, taking into account the strange phenomena going on in the Geofront, he's got the makings of a nervous breakdown that's just inches from happening!"

Kihl looked down a moment as he asked himself, "Ikari, what the F**K is going on with you...?" He then gave himself a weary face-palming.

**The Geofront, a day after the battle...**

"Status report?" Ritsuko asked.

"The damage on all four EVA units will take a bit of time to repair," Maya started to report, "but hopefully there won't be any delays."

"Still," Ritsuko added, "it'll be a while before things go back to normal."

What she said was a bit of an understatement. While the EVAs had had pieces of themselves cut off or blown away, Central Dogma was in even worse shape.

"Fortunately," Maya continued, "the MAGI system can be transferred. We'll start working on it as early as tomorrow."

"Unfortunately, this place will have to be scrapped," Ritsuko noted as she surveyed the damage.

"Just a matter of time before the brass decides to abandon it," Shigeru added.

"True," Ritusko replied, before letting out a small chuckle. "Heh, makes me wonder if our ghostly 'house guests' will be more at-home in this part of the base."

Maya giggled a bit in response. "Yeah, just think-a few rotted floorboards, an old pipe organ, too many cobwebs to count, and you'd have the ideal haunted house, with some 21st century flair in the background."

Ritsuko and Shigeru both returned her statement with a few more chuckles.

"For the time being though," Ritsuko said, "we'll have to use the backup Secondary Control Center."

"Really? Even without the MAGI?" Maya asked.

Ritsuko simply nodded. "We'll just dust it off and be back to work by this afternoon."

Maya pouted a bit in response. "But the chairs are hard, and the sensors haven't been broken in, so it'll be difficult to work in there."

"Even though the layout's the same as the control center we're all familiar with," Shigeru countered.

"Still, it just doesn't feel right, you know?" Maya replied.

"I'm just hoping our pesky poltergeists haven't decided to keep using it as a rec room," Shigeru said.

Both Maya and Ritsuko shuddered. The other day, some of the staff tried to enter the backup center to refurbish it, only to be frightened off by the skeletons and zombies using it as a combination racquetball court/pool hall/trapeze hangar.

**The Committee meeting...**

"And you want to know the worst part of this?" a member complained. "In addition to the damage sustained by all four EVA units, headquarters was partially destroyed, Central Dogma exposed. The damages are enormous."

A fellow member concurred. "We can't even estimate how much money and time we've lost."

"All this is because we didn't put a bell around Ikari's neck," one member surmised.

"Oh, there's a bell all right," another member said, "it just didn't ring!"

"Indeed," Kihl said. "It appears that the bell is getting rather...rusty..."

**NERV HQ, Gendo Ikari's office...**

Kaji had his best, charming smile on as he faced Gendo and Fuyutsuki. It was taking all of his willpower to not let off even the tiniest snicker, as a single, internet meme-inspired thought ran through his head: _Not sure if working for Ikari...or Lex Luthor..._

"My my, what an unexpected turn of events," he said to the commanders.

Both commanders didn't respond at first. Then Gendo replied with three simple words: "...You don't say?"

Kaji could've sworn that Gendo was starting to look...twitchier than usual. "The committee...I mean, how do you intend to explain this to SEELE?" the unshaven spy asked.

Gendo then did something that was definitely uncharacteristic of the commander of NERV: he briefly glanced at his watch, stood up from his desk, and took off his orange-tinted glasses.

"Kaji," Gendo began to say, as he laid both hands on the desk, "there is NO ONE ELSE in the entire Geofront that I could ask to share such a horrible job. You're the lowest on the totem pole here, Kaji." A small smirk emerged on Gendo's face as he continued. "The lowest. Do you realize that?" Gendo's eyes then grew wider, as the smirk turned into an as-wide grin. "Every other spy who's been embedded here has only been here for the briefest of times. EVERY. ONE. And even if there was someone here just ONE DAY longer than you, I STILL wouldn't ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around." The look on Gendo's face was becoming just a bit wilder by the second, which was starting to unnerve both Fuyutsuki and the normally laid-back, cool-as-a-cucumber Kaji. "THAT'S RIGHT, Kaji, it's a horrible, horrible job. Placating the old men, acting as if they run the show, kowtowing to their every demand-I couldn't think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And I-WE have to do it! We HAVE TO, or we'll be replaced by someone WORSE, do you understand?...DO YOU...?"

Kaji merely nodded his head slowly after being given a wary silent cue by Fuyutsuki.

"Good," Gendo replied, as he started to sit back down. "Then there's no problem then...is there?"

With that, Kaji quietly stepped backwards slowly, until he was out of the office. He then made a beeline away from said office as fast as he could.

_Man, Rits was right_, he thought to himself. _Ikari's definitely getting Cage-ier by the day...Better hope he doesn't don plastic fangs any time soon..._

**A small park in Tokyo-3, noon, a couple of days later...**

Having been discharged from the NERV medical ward the day before, the four EVA pilots decided a break was needed from their 'part-time jobs' as they focused on a happier occasion: Asuka's birthday. Shinji had suggested the idea of an outdoor picnic, and he and Hikari prepared quite a buffet for the occasion. The group had managed to find a decent pair of tables that were in a prime location of the park's center, offering a full 360-degree view of the scenery. It was a beautiful day for the celebration, and the feast Shinji and Hikari had cooked up was a hit with everyone. Shinji at that point unveiled the 'crown jewel' of the whole smorgasbord: a beautifully-crafted Black Forest cake, Asuka's favorite dessert. As soon as she blew out the candles and everyone stuffed themselves with a slice, the presents were unveiled.

Kensuke genuinely surprised Asuka with his gift-a hand-built model of a hilariously-caricatured EVA Unit-02 riding a red German Panzer tank, done in the style of American cartoonist and 'kustom kulture' hero Ed "Big Daddy" Roth. A nameplate at the foot of the model's base read "Achtung, baby!".

"Aww, I've _definitely_ been wrong about you, gee-Kenny," Asuka said as she stopped herself from using her usual nickname for him. "How'd you bite the style so well?"

"One of my dad's buddies is a big fan of "Ratfink" art," Kensuke beamed, "and he's a prop-maker for a film studio, so we made a deal."

"What's he getting out of it?" she asked.

"*SIGH* I'm gonna be his gofer for a week," he admitted. Asuka chuckled at the thought of Kensuke running around fetching coffee, among other mundane aspects of the lowest tier in the film industry. Asuka then turned her attention to a gift that turned out to be from both Hikari and Toji. Shaking the box briefly, she then carefully unwrapped it and opened it up, surprised by its contents.

"Oooohhh a brand-new _Deutscher Fußball-Bund_ team jersey! I love it!" Asuka said happily as she unfurled said jersey for all to see. "Where'd you find this?"

"Well..." Hikari started to say, "the two of us were walking through the mall one day..."

"And we found this FIFA team shop on the third floor," Toji finished. "Hikari knew you were into this, so we looked around and it just stood out."

"Best part is, it'll be good for the next World Cup," Hikari added.

Shinji sighed mentally. A while back, during one of the many days of 'down-time' between Angel battles, he'd discovered that his two roommates were avid soccer fans...and could become near-soccer hooligans, especially with Misato's drunkenness and Asuka's temper. Thankfully, of late, they'd toned it down some, ever since Shinji and Asuka started dating, and ever since Misato decided to cut back on the beer after being swamped by the 'toga party from hell' in the test chamber on the day they fought the 14th Angel. (Her exact words, he recalled, were "If that's gonna be my afterlife, I'm done with Yebisu, END OF STORY.") Shinji, for once, was happy that NERV was haunted, if it helped reduce the slovenly habits of his guardian.

Asuka then picked up Rei's gift, and unwrapped it to reveal a book, _1001 Mecha Jokes from the Otakus of the New York Friar's Club_. Asuka leafed through a few pages and laughed at some of the jokes within.

"Aheh, aheheheh, thanks Rei, this is great," Asuka said as she thanked her blue-haired friend.

"Eh, what can I say? At some point we'll need to look back on this and find some way to laugh," she replied.

"That just leaves Shinji," Hikari noted as all eyes turned to the Third Child.

"Heh, no pressure," Shinji said as he took out a small box tied with a red ribbon and handed it to Asuka. She in turn undid the ribbon and opened it, taking out a jeweled pendant hanging from a platinum chain. The jewel in question was her birthstone, a topaz.

"Oh, Shinji...it's beautiful," Asuka said, nearly at a loss for words.

"There's more, if you open the latch," he said as he pointed to it. Asuka looked at it, and opened it, revealing the pendant to be a locket. Inside was a picture of Shinji, with a hand print on his left cheek and a confused look on his face. Asuka immediately recognized when it must've been taken: from their very first meeting on the aircraft carrier Over the Rainbow, where they wound up fighting the 6th Angel. How Shinji managed to get that photo, no one knew.

"Uh, Shinji, sweet baka o' mine," Asuka started to say, "couldn't you have used a more flattering picture?"

"Nope," he replied. "I wanted you to remember our first meeting, and how much of an impression you made on me-er, metaphorically, that is." This elicited a few chuckles from the others. "Also, I've got one too." He then held up a similar pendant hanging around his neck. It had his own birthstone, a pearl, on it. He opened it up, revealing a photo of Asuka from their sync training, before facing off with the 7th Angel for the second time, clad in her 'jazzercise' outfit.

Asuka smiled at this. "It's perfect," she said as she planted a kiss on Shinji.

**Outside NERV HQ, mid-evening...**

Ritsuko and Misato were driving out of the Geofront in the latter's Alpine Renault. Misato was dropping Ritsuko off at home; she'd noticed that for most of the day, her friend had been feeling quite down about something, but couldn't figure out what. As soon as they made it to her apartment, they said their goodbyes and Misato drove off, to meet Kaji for a date (with a side of comparing notes regarding Kaji's investigation). Ritsuko walked into her apartment, now short one other occupant after she'd sent her cat away to live with her grandmother, until the Angel business died down. She walked over to her small study, where all the material that Deep Pipes gave her lay spread upon her desk, pinned to a bulletin board, or otherwise put off to the side. Going through all that evidence had been heartbreaking for her; learning that she'd been sleeping with the very same man who engineered her mother's demise made it even worse. She'd been in a fog since then, putting up a front for the past couple of days just to keep up appearances. (On the health side of things, she hadn't touched a single 'cancer-stick' for a while, and was now on a regiment of nicotine gum and patches to help wean her off more and more.)

She'd been very reluctant to tell another soul all she'd found out, because inevitably it'd lead to her telling them about all she'd been party to before then. She'd managed to keep her mouth shut for a while; it helped that A) Commander Ikari seemed to be preoccupied with his own particular issues, as he hadn't asked her to join him for their semi-weekly trysts, and B) she herself had lost all compunction to even initiate anything with him. It was as if they'd gotten back to square one, where it had been strictly professional between them. But with that, Ritsuko now felt lonelier than ever. Her workaholic nature granted her few friends and not enough inclination to build up more of her social life, but right now it didn't matter. She needed to tell someone, about everything, not out of a desire to seek absolution, but just so she wouldn't break down if she continued to hold it in. It was after she'd finished a simple dinner that she came to a decision, and immediately picked up her phone...

In another part of town, Maya Ibuki heard her phone ring, and she quickly picked it up.

"Hello?" the tech asked.

"Maya? Is...Is this a good time?" Ritsuko asked on the other line.

Maya was a bit surprised to hear her sempai calling her at a time like this. She also noticed that Ritsuko sounded a bit...worn in her tone of voice.

"Uh...sure, it's fine, sempai. I don't mind," she replied.

"Good. I'm just wondering...would you mind coming by my place, if you're free?" the scientist asked. "Or I could come over there. I...I just need to talk to someone. And I don't want it done over the phone-I really need to speak with someone face-to-face. I could really use a friend right now..."

Maya was touched. It wasn't normally like her mentor to reach out to someone this way, but given what was going on with everyone lately, stranger things had happened.

"Uh...no, it's no trouble at all," Maya replied. "I don't have any plans right now, so why not come to my place?"

"That's good with me," Ritsuko said in return. "I'll be there in a little while." _It'll also be nice to get away from the smell of cat for a bit_, she thought to herself as she hung up the phone. Ritsuko then walked out of her apartment, locked the door, and then headed to her car. From there, she drove to the apartment block where Maya lived. Once she got to the entrance, she pressed the buzzer for Maya's apartment number and was let in, where she then took the elevator up and walked to her assistant's door and knocked. Maya opened it up and welcomed Ritsuko in. As she crossed the threshold, Ritsuko took in the sight of Maya's modest place before her. The two women headed over to the kitchen area, where Maya started putting on a pot of tea. Maya looked at the forlorn Ritsuko and began to worry. She'd figured something had been up with her mentor recently, but out of courtesy she left her alone. Now that she was here though, Maya was puzzled over what to do. Eventually, once the tea was ready, she figured that Ritsuko would be in a better mood to talk after having a cup.

Floating above outside the apartment, Naoko and Beetlejuice observed what was going on.

"Why are we here, Beetlejuice?" Naoko asked. "And how exactly does my daughter's social life factor in to our plans?"

"Oh, they factor in all right," Beetlejuice replied in a smarmy way. "This is the final piece that turns yer ex's scenario-and SEELE's-all the way upside-down. Things've been real frosty-practically frozen solid-between him and yer kid lately, if ya noticed..."

At that, Naoko nodded, since it did relieve her that the two hadn't seen each other that way ever since Beetlejuice and herself started interfering in the sinister plans at large.

"...So now she's lookin' ta fill that hole in her life (and her heart), which is where I'm gonna help seal the deal between these two."

Naoko grew surprised at that statement. "Wait-you mean Lt. Ibuki...?"

"OH YEAH," Beetlejuice replied with a big grin. "Lil' miss mousy tech's had the hots fer yer kid since day one. And if all the shippers out there are any indication, these two're perfect fer each other, more than Ritzy suspects. Now just sit back and watch the fireworks..." He then waved his hand and made a couple of lawn chairs appear out of thin air, and implored her to join him as they took their seats. As she sat down, Naoko had one other question she didn't get the chance to ask.

_What the heck are 'shippers'?_

After Ritsuko finished off her cup, she was quiet for a moment as she and Maya sat on the latter's sofa. Finally, Ritsuko took a deep breath and spoke.

"Maya, what do you think of me, truly?" she asked her protege. "I want an honest answer. Please, don't hold anything back."

Maya was awed by her request. _Why would she ask me this?_ she thought to herself. She'd harbored more than admiration for her sempai for a long time, but she was very reluctant to make the effort to tell her. Ritsuko's question made it more difficult to even try. Deciding to 'test the waters', Maya mustered up her best possible reply.

"I...I've always admired you because you...you seemed like such a strong, highly capable, independent woman," Maya said. "You wouldn't take anything from anyone who tried bringing you down. All that, and you're probably the most intelligent woman I've ever known. I've wanted to be like you ever since you took me under your wing. All that, and...you've been so good to me, even through all the horrors we've seen in our line of work. I honestly couldn't have pictured a better person to work under."

Ritsuko gave her a bittersweet smile at that answer, a smile that proved to be short-lived. "...I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you, Maya. I...I'm not the woman you think I am...Not entirely...Even I've got feet of clay..."

From there, Ritsuko began pouring her heart out to Maya. She told her about everything: finding out about the truth behind her mother's death, how Gendo Ikari manipulated her into becoming his erstwhile 'accomplice' in both his and SEELE's scenarios, the truth behind the EVAs, and most of all, the misery she endured both as Gendo's accomplice and as his lover in a loveless affair, much as her own mother had suffered. Maya was at a loss for words as Ritsuko went into every gritty detail, as the tears kept streaming down her mentor's face.

Observing from outside, Naoko watched her daughter's confession with a forlorn look on her face. Beetlejuice, on the other hand, continued munching on his bucket of hot-buttered maggots.

"Man, most o' the soaps on today got NOTHIN' on this," he said while pointing, drawing a look of ire from Naoko.

Ritsuko's voice was starting to get weary as she neared the end of her confession. "...I can't remember if I've ever felt this lonely. And it only gets worse when I see everyone else around me. Misato and Kaji...Shinji and Asuka...even Rei, REI, of all people, is more sunnier than me. To think I used to hate her, for how she factored into my mother's death...but now I feel more sorry for her after the way I've treated her over the years...I just didn't know who else to turn to...Until you came to mind. You've always been by my side Maya, even when I knew deep down I didn't deserve it..."

At that point, Ritsuko broke down into sobs. Maya was still at a loss for words, choosing instead to comfort her weeping sempai with a hug. Considering the enormity of what Ritsuko had just unloaded on her, she would be that speechless. What broke her heart more was how much of a wreck it left her beloved sempai in, to the point where her own self-worth was in doubt. Something stirred within Maya, prompting her to do something; she couldn't stand to see Ritsuko like this. There was only one thing to do...

"Sem...Ritsuko," Maya started to say, getting the other woman's attention at the dropping of her usual formality, "I'll admit, it's...a lot to take in. And I know it took a lot of courage for you to tell me something like this. Now it's my turn." Maya then looked Ritsuko straight in the eye. "Ritsuko, a lot of what I said before still applies. I still think you're a brilliant, cool, analytical woman who's always in control, and so, so beautiful...It's all that and more that makes me...l-love you..."

That brought Ritsuko out of her self-pity. "Wh-what did you say?"

"I mean it," Maya said, fighting back tears of her own, "Ritsuko Akagi, I've been in love with you for the longest time. But I was afraid of admitting it to you. I settled for trying to be the best assistant you had, always applying myself, trying to show you I was good enough to work with, to be around. I wanted to tell you how I felt, but there was always that...fear. Fear of rejection, disgust...I wasn't sure how you'd react, no matter how I played it out in my head. That it took something like you unloading your guilty conscience on me to do it, I don't mind. What I do mind? Seeing you beat yourself up over it! Ritsuko, I'll love you no matter what, just please...don't say how lonely you are when that isn't true!...You've had me all this time...I just wish I'd reminded you sooner."

Ritsuko couldn't believe it. Now she finally understood that one thing Deep Pipes told her the other day. She had to admit, part of her actually suspected Maya all this time, but she always found some way to brush it off. Now Maya herself had proven her wrong.

"I...I need to freshen up a bit. Excuse me," Maya said, as she got up from the sofa and headed to her bathroom. Ritsuko sat there, pondering the newest revelation thrust upon her carefully...

Outside and above, Naoko was moved to tears by what she'd just witnessed. She might've been a bit old-fashioned regarding how she felt about Ritsuko's love life, but all that was swept aside after seeing Maya pour her own heart out to her daughter. Now she knew what Beetlejuice had meant by his earlier statement.

"_Perfect_, now's my time to make a move," Beetlejuice slyly said, his right hand on a TV knob that appeared out of nowhere.

"What're you-?" Naoko started to ask, noticing her partner's gesture.

"Juuuust uppin' her 'drive' a bit. And I left a lil' somethin' for her that'll make Ritzy...'cat scratch feverish'...".

At that moment, Maya was splashing some water on her face. She was drying herself when a strange feeling came over her. One that caused her face to don a more...playful expression. Soon, she found herself in her bedroom, where lying on the bed was an odd outfit. One that she began to put on...

Some minutes later, Ritsuko was still sitting on the sofa, going over the ramifications of what Maya'd just told her.

_She...she loves me..._she thought to herself, confused. _She actually loves me...she actually said it...I don't...I don't know what to say..._

"...Cat got your tongue?" she heard a voice say. Ritsuko turned to the hallway and felt her jaw drop in astonishment.

Maya was standing there, clad in a gray, form-fitting, figure-hugging catsuit with a black shadow on the cowl's face. She also had on black opera gloves with matching ankle-length boots, and a belt made up of eight gold discs. On Maya's face was a very seductive smile, full of intent. Maya leaned on the threshold of the hall's entryway, stirring something more within Ritsuko. Maya then got up from her stance and moved closer and closer to her.

"I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much _yummier_," Maya said in a low, sultry voice un-befitting of the normally cheery, mousy computer tech.

"M...Maya...?" Ritsuko wondered aloud.

The only answer she received was a soft, yet very sultry purr from Maya...

At that moment outside, Beetlejuice, with a wide grin on his face as he was close to drooling, felt a sharp tug on his ear as he was pulled away by Naoko.

"OW! OWOWOWOW! HEY! Whaddya doin' that fer?! It wuz just gettin' to the good part!" Beetlejuice complained as he was dragged away.

"Not even in your dreams, Ghoul-ccione," Naoko sternly said. "Let's leave them be, we all know where it goes from there. Besides, I've got a better way to spend the rest of this night."

"Oh yeah? What's that?" the bio-excorcist asked out of morbid curiosity.

"I want to ruin Gendo's dreams again," Naoko answered, "and I have an idea for how I want to do it this time. One that I think you'll enjoy. It's inspired by one of my more...'guilty pleasure' films."

"Oooooh, kin-ky," Beetlejuice said with an amused tone of voice. "Whaddya got in mind...?"

**Gendo Ikari's bedroom, later that night...**

Gendo once again tossed and turned in his sleep. His dream was being tampered with again, but something about it was slightly different from the previous time...

Gendo looked around and saw that he was in his office. Only something was off-it was actually lit. The windows were covered by shades, a stereo system was on the wall near the door, and he was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, holding a glass of scotch. What was most curious was the amount of newspaper underneath his chair, covering most of the entire floor.

"Tell me, Gendo dear...Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

Gendo looked up to see a slightly-smiling Naoko. She was dressed in a late-80's-styled power suit, leaning next to the stereo. In her hand was a CD of the aforementioned band's album _Fore!_. She then took the disk out of the case and popped it into the stereo.

"Wha-what?" Gendo asked, slightly fearful.

"Their early work was a little too 'new wave' for my tastes," Naoko continued, walking as she talked, circling Gendo like a shark, "but when _Sports_ came out in '84, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically." She then made her way to a doorway into a bathroom, out of Gendo's view. She kept talking as she grabbed a transparent rain poncho from the edge of the bathtub. "The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost." As soon as she finished donning the poncho, she then picked up the axe leaning on the tub's edge as she exited the bathroom. Said exit consisted of her 'moonwalking' out, the axe cleverly hidden at her left side and out of Gendo's view, while she kept talking. "He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey himself has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor." She then leaned the axe, head on the ground, against a wall next to her.

"N-n-Naoko...?" Gendo attempted to ask, while she began buttoning up the poncho.

"Yeeesss, Gendo?" Naoko answered cheekily.

"Why...why is there newspaper all over the floor?" he asked, eyeing his surroundings warily. "Did you...did you bring in a dog or something?"

"NO, Gendo," Naoko answered, a $#!+-eating grin on her face.

"Is that a...raincoat?" Gendo nervously asked, finally noticing her garb.

"Yes it is!" Naoko answered cheekily, as she waltzed over to the stereo while she kept talking, pressing the 'play' button. The music came on as she continued. "In '86, Huey and the News released this, _Fore!_," she said, pointing at the stereo where the song was coming out, "their most accomplished album." She continued as she 'shimmied' her way back to where she laid the axe. "I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics." She then began speaking rapidly, as if she were agitated, as she picked up the axe in both hands. "But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself!" She then raised the axe above her head, taking aim at Gendo. "Hey, Gendo!"

Gendo finally turned around, but found himself unable to get out of the chair as he recoiled in horror at the fate about to be visited upon him. Naoko then swung the axe down, hitting a terrified Gendo. She then began hacking at him with the axe.

"TRY INITIATING THIRD IMPACT NOW, YOU F*****G STUPID BASTARD!" Naoko screamed with fury in her voice, "YOU F*****G BASTARD!"

"*GASP!*" Gendo bolted upright in his bed, out of that horrific nightmare at last. He looked around at his darkened bedroom, as if he were looking for some hidden intruder. When he began to settle down, slowing his breathing, he then took notice of something warm and wet where he was sitting.

_No...No, it couldn't be_, the commander of NERV thought as he inspected his bed sheets. Unfortunately, his minor fear was confirmed.

Outside Gendo's home, in the night air, Beetlejuice was howling with laughter as Naoko returned from her 'activity'.

"MAN, you are MERCILESS, lady," he said in-between laughs. "And you even made him wet the bed! Cherry on top, dollface, couldn't have done better myself! I salute you!" He proceeded to do so after donning an army uniform.

"That was definitely therapeutic, I'll admit," Naoko said, chuckling. "Always wanted to vent at him like that. Wonder how he'll fare in the morning...?"

**NERV HQ, the next morning...**

Gendo walked slowly through the halls of HQ as he headed towards his office. Not a soul would learn of what happened to him last night, he swore. Just then, as he passed by an opening into another hall, he heard some music in the background. Glancing to the side, he saw one of the custodial staff going on about his duties while a song was blasting out of his radio. The song, unfortunately, was very familiar to Gendo...

**_'Cause I can tell what's goin' on..._**

**_It's hip to be square!_**

**_It's hip to be square!_**

**_I like my bands in business suits._**

**_I watch them on TV..._**

Upon hearing this, a wide-eyed Gendo Ikari did something no one at NERV ever thought possible from their commander in all the time they worked under him:

He fainted.

**END Chapter 10.**

****Author's Note(s)****

***PHEW!* Finally! I hate writer's block, don't you?**

**Yeah, the SEELE Council's definitely not taking it well.**

**As you can see, Gendo's definitely gone full-on Cage as he talks down to Kaji. Look familiar?**

**Much of the romantic stuff takes a big hunk of inspiration from Panther2G's **

**_Advice and Trust, _****from Kensuke's gift to Asuka to the way Ritsuko and Maya get together. The pendants/lockets Shinji and Asuka have is a nod to an old doujinshi called ****_Epilogue of Evangelion. _****Asuka's 'flattering picture' comment riffs on season two, episode 9 of ****_The Critic, _****"Dukerella", when Jay gives Alice a similar gift.**

**Speaking of the two female NERV colleagues-turned-something-more, I told ya I'd get around to riffing on Burton's other Bat-film, and to have Maya in the BTAS cat-suit just made it all the more perfect.**

**Naoko's little 'revenge fantasy' that she inflicts upon Gendo is of course a nearly-word-for-word recreation of an iconic scene from ****_American Psycho_****. And Naoko's not done yet...Before this story eventually wraps up, third time'll be the charm...**


	12. Chapter 11 - Interlude 2

**Chapter 11 - Interlude 2: The Trolling of SEELE**

When Misato walked into the Geofront that morning, there was an unexpected sight for her aside from seeing the Commander faint after hearing "Hip to be Square" on a custodian's radio. (Which she did do her best not to laugh at, were one to give her credit.) What really stood out to her came in the form of seeing Maya and Ritsuko, both of whom were walking with more of a...spring in their steps. She then noticed whenever they looked at one another, there was a flash of a quick smile between them. This got Misato's gears turning, till finally, some time later, she saw something that clinched it for her.

While Ritsuko was going over some data with Maya at a console, Misato saw the former's hand on the latter's shoulder, with the latter's other hand on top of it. And that's when it became clear to the NERV tactical officer.

"Gobstopper?" Maya offered as she held a small box full of the candies.

"Ooh, thanks!" Ritsuko replied as Maya poured one into her waiting hand.

Misato quietly crept away and bolted to Central Dogma, where she found Makoto and Shigeru at their stations. As soon as she stepped up to them, they turned and looked up at their colleague and superior officer, with a slight hint of nervousness.

"Uh, hey there, Major," Shigeru greeted.

"What's going on?" Makoto asked.

Misato said nothing at first, merely smiling a very, very smug smile. She then held out an open right hand.

"I WIN!" she exclaimed. "Pay up, boys!"

Makoto and Shigeru looked at her, befuddled.

"What are you talking about?" Makoto asked.

"Yeah, kinda not getting the hint here," Shigeru added.

"C'moooonnn," Misato playfully said, "don't you two remember that bet we made a little while ago...?"

Both techs gave it some thought for a minute, before they finally figured out what Misato was referring to. Both grew surprised looks on their faces at the sudden realization.

"You mean they...?" Makoto asked.

"They're _serious_?" Shigeru asked in turn.

"_OH YEAH_," Misato affirmed. "Plain as the mole on Rits's face. I'll take my winnings now, _if you please_."

Makoto and Shigeru looked at each other with defeated expressions on their faces, sighed, and then got out their respective checkbooks, grumbling as they wrote on the pads before handing the slips of paper to Misato, who quickly pocketed them.

"Pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen," Misato said.

"What business?" Maya asked as she and Ritsuko came onto the bridge.

"OH, uh, uh, nothing! Nothing important!" Misato fibbed as she covered up what she'd just said to Makoto and Shigeru, who did their best to look busy. Maya soon joined them at her own station while Ritsuko went over some specs on her tablet. Misato started to head out of Central Dogma, but stopped for a minute quickly speak to Ritsuko.

"By the way," she whispered, "Congrats-it's about time. When you've got a moment, I want _details_, girlfriend." She then gave Ritsuko a knowing wink as she finally left. Ritsuko herself definitely got the message, if her raised eyebrows were any indicator.

A few minutes later, after Misato had returned to her office and started tackling some more paperwork, she heard a knock at her door.

"It's open," she said. The door then opened, as two agents of Section 2-NERV's security and intelligence division-came in.

"Major Katsuragi?" one of the agents asked. "There's been a situation..."

One explanation later, Misato was stunned. And not too happy.

"The vice commander's been abducted?!" she asked. "And right here in our own house?! What the hell were you all doing?! How can anyone pull the wool over the eyes of Section 2, of all people?!"

"It happened two hours ago," the agent replied. "He was last seen in District 8 on the west side."

"It was an inside job, ma'am," the other agent added. "Whoever did this leaked information and instigated this. He was able to get the better of us."

"We have reason to believe that Ryoji Kaji is the man behind this," the first agent reported.

At that, Misato paused. Something was off with that accusation-considering how closely she and Kaji had been working with their own internal investigation, she found it hard to believe that her spook of a boyfriend would do something like this. That, and she'd gotten a call from him no more than exactly two hours ago from a payphone, where he'd warned her about something going down involving the vice-commander. Still, she decided to play along, just to see if she could suss anything further from the two agents.

"Let me guess-considering the history between us, you'd logically think I'd know how he works," she said.

"We appreciate your quick understanding," the first agent said. "As a member of the same organization, it's regrettable that we must suspect the chief tactical officer, but's part of our job. Nothing more."

_Yeah, right,_ Misato thought to herself as she reluctantly placed her gun and ID card on the desk. The second agent put them in a small box, and then the two escorted her to another room to be interrogated. _Kaji, I hope you know what you're doing..._

**An unknown location, hours later...**

Fuyutsuki sat cuffed to a chair as he faced the holographic monoliths that hid the members of the SEELE council. Fuyutsuki was directly in front of the one numbered 01, representing the council's head, Lorenz Kihl.

"It's been a while, Chairman Kihl," Fuyutsuki said with a touch of sarcasm. "Nice chins. Have you gained weight?"

Because of the hologram, Fuyutsuki didn't see the vein throbbing on Kihl's forehead as he silently fumed over that insult. The elderly cyborg calmed himself down as he responded to Fuyutsuki's barb.

"That was quite a rude greeting," Kihl said. "I need not apologize to you for the...impropriety. This is a necessary procedure to speak with you at leisure."

"By treating me like the Lindbergh baby?" Fuyutsuki replied. "You certainly haven't changed. Does my convenience mean nothing then?"

It was SEELE-07 who spoke up next. "The problem being discussed is an urgent matter. It was unavoidable."

"Please understand," said SEELE-03 facetiously.

Fuyutsuki looked around at his captors. "So, it's SEELE and not the Committee," he said, as if to confirm his suspicions.

"One way or another," SEELE-02 said, "we WILL get to the bottom of the continuing fiasco at NERV-Central."

"We would like your cooperation, Professor Fuyutsuki," warned SEELE-05.

_Heh, like I haven't heard that one in every James Bond movie_, the professor thought to himself.

**An alley in Tokyo-3, around the same time...**

Ryoji Kaji was now a man on a mission. It was a simple enough one: covertly break into a SEELE-controlled facility and rescue the captured vice-commander of NERV. He knew that it would be a dangerous undertaking, one that may possibly end with him face-down in the dirt. Now that he and Misato were actually trying again, this time he was being cautious about it. He needed a good plan. Fortunately for him, one said 'hi' to him at that very moment.

"Got a minute, pally?" a voice asked him from the shadows of the alley. Kaji turned in the direction of the voice, and noticed a man whose upper half was hidden by the shadows. All he could see in the light of the late afternoon was half of a rumpled black-and-white-striped suit, covered by an equally-rumpled trench coat.

"Can you make it quick?" Kaji asked. "I'm sort of in a hurry."

"Believe you me, I can tell," the stranger replied. "Th' way I figger it, yer gonna waltz right ta yer doom once you've freed th' hostage."

Kaji was surprised by the man's statement. No one else knew that he was out to free Fuyutsuki, not even Misato. "How do you-?"

"I've got my ways," the man answered. "An' I'm here ta offer youse my assistance. Stick wit' me, kid, an' you'll live ta see yer sweetheart anudder day. Whaddya say?"

Kaji gave it some thought before he made his decision...

**The SEELE facility...**

"To say that the supernatural phenomena NERV-Central's been experiencing has been...unexpected, would be putting it lightly," SEELE-02 demanded. "The dead rising from the grave has NEVER factored into the scenario! We want an explanation!"

"And we want one yesterday!" SEELE-03 added.

"The scenario is at stake," Kihl emphasized. "We cannot allow this to continue."

"So tell us, Professor," SEELE-06 said, "what EXACTLY did Ikari do to piss off a bunch of ghosts?!"

Fuyutsuki merely shrugged nonchalantly. "How should I know? Last I checked, the Geofront wasn't built upon some ancient burial ground, nor did it used to be the site of witch burnings or satanic rituals. You want answers, perhaps even a way to get rid of the problem? Call Ghostbusters. Oh wait, I forgot-they've been out of business for years, and I don't recall any attempts on their part to expand internationally while they were still in operation."

The SEELE council members grumbled in frustration at Fuyutsuki's answer.

**The Geofront, the EVA cages, around the same time...**

Ritsuko was staring at the face of EVA-01, ruminating over the events that led her to this particular place. At that moment, Maya walked up to her.

"Rits? You okay?" the tech asked.

Ritsuko was slightly startled. "Maya?...Oh, sorry about that, you scared me a bit."

"It's all right," her newly-minted girlfriend replied. "Even after all this time, that face still gives me the willies."

"Be that as it may, I take it the test is almost ready to begin?" Ritsuko asked.

"Yes indeed," Maya answered. "By the way, I haven't seen Major Katsuragi around since this morning."

This gave Ritsuko pause, as a curious look began to appear on her face. "You're right. That is odd...I'll look into this once the test is done. Go on ahead, I'll catch up in a bit."

"Sure thing," Maya said, as she turned to head on her way. Before doing so, she turned around and quietly blew a kiss Ritsuko's way, who in turn 'caught' it.

As soon as Maya left, Ritsuko let a thought run through the back of her mind. _Huh, guess I now know why I've never been good around boys, mother_, the scientist mused to herself.

**The SEELE facility, late afternoon into early evening...**

A door opened behind Fuyutsuki, letting some light into the darkened room. The professor turned his head to see who was at the door.

"Oh, it's you," he said, recognizing the man on the other side.

"Long time, no see," said Kaji as he entered the room and undid Fuyutsuki's bonds. "Don't worry about the guards-I have a feeling they'll get reprimanded for 'sleeping on the job' later."

Fuyutsuki got up from the chair, rubbing his wrists to get some circulation flowing again. "You do realize this will cost you your life."

"Funny," the unshaven spy said. "That's what my friend told me on the way here."

Fuyutsuki looked at him perplexed. "You didn't come alone?"

"Yep," Kaji replied. "On my way over here, I found myself with an unexpected partner in this little caper. Some schlub by the name of 'Deep Pipes'. He's volunteered to be the diversion while we make our getaway."

Soon the two men were carefully moving about the facility, heading for a secret exit on a map given to Kaji by Deep Pipes.

"Besides," Kaji continued, "it looks like they'll find out I diverted the sample of Adam to Commander Ikari, so I've got my own interests to guard too, otherwise various and sundry bad things'll happen."

**A holding cell in NERV HQ...**

After what seemed like hours, the door to Misato's cell opened. A Section 2 agent stood there with the box holding her gun and ID card.

"You're free to go," the agent said as Misato stood up. "Thank you for your cooperation. I apologize for the misunderstanding."

Misato was puzzled. "Wait, what misunderstanding?" she asked.

"We'd reported to you earlier that we'd suspected Ryoji Kaji of masterminding the vice-commander's abduction," the agent replied, almost-sheepishly. "Some new evidence has come to light that's absolved him of any involvement."

Misato's eyebrows shot straight up in surprise, as a small, gleeful smile began to emerge on her face. "Wait, so does this mean...?"

The agent was hesitant to say it, but he eventually relented. "...Yes, Captain Chiron was wrong."

Misato immediately raised her fist in the air in triumph. "YES! FINALLY, I can unveil that banner I put up in my office two years ago!" Her demeanor then returned to its concerned state. "Wait, then where's Kaji and the vice-commander?"

"According to recent intel," the agent replied, "the two of them just reached a safehouse in the center of the city a few minutes ago."

**The SEELE facility, minutes earlier...**

A lone figure stood in front of a large industrial fan that opened out into the setting sun. Soon, an assassin on SEELE's payroll arrived to greet him. Unfortunately for the assassin, it wasn't Ryoji Kaji he was dealing with-it was Beetlejuice.

"Well heya-yer late," the still-shadowed Beetlejuice greeted, much to the assassin's mild surprise. "_Somebody_ looks like they've had a long day. Maybe a lil' music'll cheer ya up."

The assassin didn't hesitate as he fired off a shot. To his shock, the bullet passed right through its target, who was still standing, with not a single drop of blood drawn.

"Huh-don't like J-Pop, do ya?" Beetlejuice wondered. "All right, maybe somethin' a little more..._folksy'll_ do."

At that instant, Beetlejuice morphed and, to the assassin's astonished eyes, assumed the form of a singing legend whose fame re-surged in the age of the internet, thanks to an oft-used video meme popular in forums and social media posts. While he still retained his colors, there was no mistaking the man whom Beetlejuice now appeared as:

Russian baritone Eduard Khil.

Soon the assassin heard music in the air, as Beetlejuice began to sing Khil's signature number, "I Am Very Glad, as I'm Finally Returning Back Home". The assassin emptied his clip, to no avail; Beetlejuice was still standing, still 'dancing'-let's face it, he was un-Khil-able. The assassin stood there frozen, unable to break away. He tried covering his ears, but it still came through. It was useless-the assassin was done for. He'd met his match, and it was Mr. Trololo...

**Misato's apartment, that night...**

Asuka and Shinji were in the living room when Misato stepped through the doorway and closed the door behind her.

"I'm home!" she said as she entered.

"Welcome home," they said in unison, surprising themselves.

"Heh," Misato said amusingly, "looks like some of that sync training's still doing its work after all those months."

At that moment, all three heard a knock at the door. They stared at it for a moment before Misato walked over to answer.

"Huh, wonder who that could be at this hour...?" she said as she reached for the knob.

As soon as she answered the door, a look of shock appeared on her face. Standing at her doorstep was Kaji, a smile on his face.

"Wouldn't believe the day I've had," Kaji said nonchalantly.

Misato said nothing-she began to tear up, before quickly grabbing Kaji in a tight embrace, crying into his shoulder, relieved he was still alive.

**A meeting of the SEELE council...**

"HOW could your man have FAILED?" a visibly-upset Kihl demanded of the henchman he was addressing via hologram.

"We...we're still trying to figure that out, sir," the henchman replied. "When we found him, he was on his side, babbling like he'd gone insane. Something must've greatly disturbed him."

"What exactly was he 'babbling'?" Kihl asked, one eyebrow raised.

"It was strange, sir," the henchman answered. "He kept saying 'trololo' over and over..."

**END Interlude 2.**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Minor Burton reference for those who didn't catch it-the Gobstoppers in Maya's hand are a small nod to Tim Burton's 2005 remake of ****_Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_****.**

**Makoto and Shigeru surrendering a couple of checks to Misato riffs on the Family Guy, season 2 episode "Death is a Bitch", where Cleveland and Quagmire do the same for Peter. Another Family Guy riff is found when Misato's released from her cell-her bit with the banner is a play on Peter's from the episode "PTV".**

**Captain Chiron is my shout-out to Mike313 and OrionPax09's Superwomen of EVA fanfic series, where he was the overall asshole head of Section-2 who frequently butted heads with Misato in the majority of their stories.**

**Fuyutsuki's insult to Kihl is lifted from the final episode of ****_Pinky and the Brain_****, a ****_Star Wars _****parody called "Star Warners". At one point in the episode, 'Yak Soho' uses this on his nemesis 'Flabby the Butt'. Fuyutsuki's other barb refers to the first segment from the fifth ****_Treehouse of Horror _****episode of ****_The Simpsons_****, "The Shinning", where Mr. Burns's winter lodge is revealed to have been built on an ancient burial ground, and was the site of witch burnings, satanic rituals...and five John Denver Christmas specials.**

**Beetlejuice's 'Trololo' moment riffs on of course Eduard Khil, the Russian singer whose 1976 performance of "I Am Very Glad, as I'm Finally Returning Back Home" became an internet sensation in the mid-2000's, to the point where it even got parodied by the likes of Christoph Waltz and Anthony Head. So until his death in 2012, Eduard was making a real 'Khil-ing'!...(I'll see myself out...)**


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12 - Arael, through the wringer**

"Thanks for letting us sleep over tonight," Shinji said as he and Asuka joined Rei on the couch in her apartment.

"Oh, no biggie," she replied. "Considering what you told me, you made the right call."

Earlier, the two pilots had witnessed Misato break down crying at seeing Kaji turn up alive and well on her doorstep. Already forming an idea of where things were going, Asuka quietly motioned to Shinji that it might be a good idea to give them some alone time. Thus, they quickly grabbed their sleepwear and toothbrushes and snuck out of the apartment just as Misato pulled Kaji into it. They'd then knocked on Rei's door, gave her a quick explanation, and were then let in. Given the level of anxiety Misato was feeling throughout most of the day over Kaji's safety and whereabouts, it was going to be a long night.

Rei had invited the two to join her for a movie, and Asuka had a big bowl of popcorn on her lap. While it was popping in the microwave earlier, Shinji and Asuka took a moment to take a thorough look at Rei's DVD library. To their surprise, it was comprised entirely of comedy and hybrid comedy movies, and various TV shows; there were even a few _Looney Tunes_ compilations present. It became all too clear to them that another thing they'd never known about their fellow pilot was her being something of a comedy nerd. The span of the films and shows in the library crossed multiple international and generational lines, from 1920's slapstick silents to late 90's crude-com's, with a small group of post-millennium titles in the mix.

"Wow," Asuka marveled at the time. "That's...quite a collection you've got there."

Presently, Rei had just put a DVD in the player and got it set up to start. The film in question was an old pre-Second Impact American buddy-com from World War II, about a couple of guys trekking through the Middle East. Rei grabbed a handful of popcorn and started munching as the two on-screen fellas broke into song while riding a camel.

_**We're off on the road to Morocco,**_

_**This taxi is tough on the spine...**_

Meanwhile, in Misato's apartment...or rather, her bedroom...the reunited couple had slowed down for a bit after a few hours worth of pent-up passion. Now they were chatting away on matters slightly trivial.

"Did I miss anything at the office?" Kaji asked.

"Well, other than seeing the commander faint, nothing much," Misato replied. "Oh and, Rits and Maya got together."

Kaji was definitely surprised by that. "No kidding?" he asked. "Certainly explains how Rits was able to evade my charms for all those years."

"Funniest thing is," Misato continued, "from what she told me, Maya was the 'aggressor'. And it involved a catsuit that she hadn't owned before."

"Now THAT is surprising," Kaji said. "Never would've figured her that way."

"Well, I learned that even Maya couldn't explain how," Misato said. "All she knew was that some strange 'feeling' came over her, and the next thing she knows, she's managed to seduce Rits successfully, and they've been 'glowing' since last night." Misato smirked before she continued. "And because of that, I'm now a hundred bucks richer," she snickered.

"Finally collected on your bet, I'm guessing," Kaji said. Misato nodded.

"Honestly though, I'm really happy for the two of them," she said. "Especially considering the rumors of her being involved with Commander Ikari before then."

Kaji's face became slightly serious upon hearing that. "...What if I told you those rumors might be true?"

Misato's smile disappeared immediately. "Wait, you mean-?"

Kaji silently nodded. "We'll let Rits tell us when she's ready. Now though, that brings up another matter. If she and Maya are together, then it means Rits might be open to 'defecting', so to speak."

Misato thought about that for a moment. "You may be right. If Rits really was mixed up in whatever NERV's been secretly up to, she could be a great asset. I know another guy we could bring into our fold, but you may want to trust me on this one..."

**Outside the Geofront, two days later, early morning...**

Misato and Kaji stood next to a bench overlooking the reconstruction of the damaged portions of HQ as they awaited the third person to meet up with them. Soon enough, he arrived-and turned out to be Makoto. As soon as he was brought up to speed on what Kaji'd gathered so far, he started relaying some information he'd secretly collected on behalf of Misato the day before. It was pretty troubling to the couple.

"In seven different locations worldwide?" Misato asked.

"This information came via my contact in Shanghai," Makoto affirmed. "The source can be trusted."

"Begs the question, why rush mass production at this stage?" Kaji wondered.

"Considering how wary they are of Units 04 and 05 due to the strange happenings at NERV-2," Makoto explained, "and with the way we've been keeping a close eye on our own EVAs here, they're probably rushing to reinforce their reserves with an eye towards secondary preparations."

Misato shook her head slowly. "I don't know. Even here, we're getting Germany to send us parts from Units 06 and 07 being built over there. Seems like there's a lot of money changing hands lately."

"Heh," Kaji began to muse. "Now I know how Woodward and Bernstein felt. 'Follow the money', and all that..."

"Our budget was doubled since we came here after all," Makoto said. "Do you suppose it just shows how desperate the higher-ups are?"

Kaji gave a slight nod. "I sense a certain impatience on the part of the Committee."

"Then are they anticipating a situation where not single, but multiple Angels are deployed against us all at once?" Makoto theorized.

"Maybe," Misato said, "but there's no reason to do it unofficially." Her expression grew grim at that statement. "They must have another objective in mind."

Makoto nodded at the idea. A small smile appeared on his face a second later. "I appreciate you both letting me in on this. If it hadn't been for what you told me the other day..."

"No trouble at all," Kaji said.

"You've been a good friend, Hyuga," Misato said. "I knew we could rely on you."

"So what next?" Makoto asked.

"...Now we need to bring Rits and Maya into our little 'group effort'."

**Misato's apartment, later that evening...**

Misato, her two charges, and Pen-Pen sat together at the table enjoying the dinner Shinji prepared. At that moment, the phone rang, and Shinji got up to answer it. He greeted the caller and then handed the phone to Asuka.

"Asuka, you've got an international call from Germany," he explained. "It's someone saying she's your mother."

"Oh yeah," Asuka replied resignedly, "she's my stepmother, actually. I'll take it."

Asuka then took the phone and began speaking to her stepmother in their native tongue. The conversation lasted a good twenty minutes before they finally hung up. Asuka had a slightly sullen expression on her face as she put the phone back on the receiver.

"You okay?" Shinji asked. "You were talking for a while."

"Well, it's our usual bit of communication," Asuka said. "I...never really got along with her. I don't HATE her, I just don't deal with her well. I kinda envy you in a way-at least it sounded like your old teacher was just apathetic."

"You'd be right," Shinji affirmed. The two then returned to the table to finish up their meal with Misato.

Later that night, as the two of them laid in bed together, he decided to voice something to Asuka.

"You know, I had an interesting thought," Shinji said.

"Talk to me," Asuka replied.

"I was thinking, what if my dad hadn't gone all 'nihilistic madman' after my mom's accident?" he wondered. "What if he and Naoko actually did connect, fall in love-remarry, even? Maybe we wouldn't be in this whole mess. Maybe they'd go against SEELE. Who knows?"

"That, and you'd have Dr. Akagi as an older sister," Asuka said before snorting in amusement. "Now THAT'D be the makings of sitcom material. Although I gotta say, a penguin makes for a more interesting TV pet than a cat."

Shinji chuckled at that while the two began to drift off to sleep.

**A balcony at NERV HQ, the next day, mid-morning...**

Ritsuko was at a table with a cup of coffee in front of her. She was thinking about the conversation she and Maya had the night they'd 'made it official'...

_Maya's bedroom, two nights prior..._

Ritsuko and Maya were snuggled up together under the covers, their clothes lying in two separate, hastily-crumpled heaps on the floor. Right now they were just talking, having gotten a lot of the 'good stuff' out of the way. For something completely new to the chief scientist of NERV, it'd been completely mind-blowing. From that point on, she was looking forward to exploring hers and Maya's newfound relationship very thoroughly. But right now, the subject of their conversation was on more serious matters.

"You're sure about this?" Maya asked.

Ritsuko nodded affirmatively. "Yes. I want to come clean with Misato and Kaji; same with the pilots. They deserve the truth, and I want to make up for my mistakes. I helped guide this mess along, and now I want to send it off the edge for good. Working with them seems like the best way to do it."

Maya smiled at her before she said anything else. "Count on me to lend a hand. I'll be with you all the way."

Ritsuko returned her smile with one of her own. "I know I can. I'll speak with Misato in a couple of days; hopefully from there, we can find a time and place to compare notes." Her expression then became more playful. "Now, speaking of 'all the way'..."

Maya merely purred in response.

_The balcony..._

Just as Ritsuko finished her thought, she noticed Misato coming her way to the table.

"...Thanks for meeting me, Rits," her longtime friend said.

"Not a problem," Ritsuko responded, "considering what's at stake, I figured this conversation needed to happen sooner or later." She then looked up at Misato. "I know you and Kaji have been looking into NERV's secrets. And that you've had your suspicions about my place in them."

Misato didn't show it, but she was surprised by Ritsuko's statement.

"Before you jump to any conclusions, I want to help," the scientist continued, "I want to speak to both you and Kaji at length. Not here though. Too many watchful eyes." Misato nodded at this.

"What made you change your mind?" the tactical ops chief asked. "About all of this?"

Ritsuko smiled. "Maya did," she answered. "I've got something to really live for. And quite frankly, I don't want so see it go away."

Misato smiled at hearing that. "Now the question remains, where the hell would we go to lay our cards on the table in peace?"

As if someone were listening in, a small breeze blew at that moment, and both women looked at the black-and-white-striped business card that'd appeared on the table, confused looks on their faces. Misato picked it up and looked at it, reading off the name on its front:

**NERV-ous Nellie's Diner**

**Come for the conversation, **

**stay for the pie and the 'damn fine coffee'.**

Below it was the address. Misato and Ritsuko looked at each other for a moment, before they subtly decided to finish their coffee break early. Misato quickly pocketed the card to show Kaji later.

**The women's restroom, an hour later...**

It was ten minutes before the sync test was to begin, and Asuka was in the restroom at that moment. She was in front of a mirror washing up after taking care of a little 'business', and she wasn't feeling too happy about it.

"*UGH*", she groaned in annoyance, "why does it have to be THAT time of the month...?" _Thank gott for that contraceptive implant_, she thought to herself, grateful for at least that particular medical benefit Dr. Akagi provided.

Her business concluded in the restroom, Asuka headed to the elevator. When she pressed the button, an electronic voice came out over the small speaker on the panel.

"Route Loop 7 is currently closed due to an accident. Please use the detour via Route 12."

Asuka let out an annoyed sigh, but waited for the other elevator anyway. Once it arrived, she found she wasn't going to be the only rider, as Rei was there to greet her.

"Hey," they said to each other as Asuka got on. As the doors closed and the elevator continued its ascent to their destination floor, Asuka took notice of something.

"Is that 'The Girl from Ipanema'?" she asked curiously. "When did the elevators start playing this?"

"Oh yeah, I called in a favor with maintenance," Rei explained. "I felt things were way too dull here, so I asked them to set up some muzak in the cars. Figured it'd help take the edge off for everyone coming and going."

"Huh, not a bad idea," Asuka admitted. "Which version is this?"

"Norm Geller and his Orchestra's version," Rei replied. "You might have heard it in a few movies."

"Oh yeah," Asuka said, "like that elevator scene in _The Blues Brothers_."

The two were silent for a few minutes as the elevator kept going. Finally, Rei spoke up.

"That time of the month, huh?" she asked teasingly.

"Oh, like you wouldn't believe!" Asuka replied as she shook her head.

Minutes later, the girls were in their plugsuits and undergoing their tests. Asuka took a moment to reach out to her mother in Unit-02. They 'talked' about Asuka's recent phone call with her stepmom back in Germany.

"I don't know what dad sees in her," Asuka said as she shook her head. "At times she can be a bit vapid, other times prickly."

"*SIGH* Your father sure knows how to pick 'em, _liebchen_," Kyoko said. There was a pregnant pause between the two before Kyoko spoke up again.

"You know, before you were born, your father and I actually went through a trial separation," Kyoko admitted. Asuka was slightly surprised.

"Really?" she asked her mother. "How come?"

"Well, because of the nature of our particular jobs," Kyoko explained, "we didn't see a whole lot of one another during a typical workday. And even then, your father was gone usually far longer than I was. It was beginning to wear us down. I was pregnant with you at the time, and I was starting to worry if, should it come down to it, I'd wind up raising you as a single mother." She 'grimaced' slightly for a moment. "I suspected he wasn't being entirely faithful at the time as well. From what you've told me, it definitely confirms the worst."

Asuka agreed. She then shifted gears to another aspect of their conversation. "Do you ever wonder what'd happen if things were different?" she asked.

"How so?" her mother asked.

"Well, if dad honestly tried to do better by us," Asuka clarified. "If you hadn't done the experiment, stuff like that."

"What brought this up?" Kyoko wondered.

Asuka hesitated before answering. "It was just something Shinji talked to me about, regarding his own family life."

"Ah, I see," Kyoko said as she and Asuka continued their talk, until the test concluded.

**The next day, Central Dogma...**

"Angel, visually confirmed," Shigeru reported. "Here's the highest magnification."

The monitors relaying the satellite feeds up in orbit showed what looked like a large, crystalline bird.

"It's...beautiful," Maya said.

"Eh, looks like some handcrafted tchotchke you'd find at a flea market," Shigeru mused.

"Status?" Misato asked.

"It hasn't budged from its satellite orbit," Makoto said.

"So far, it's been maintaining a set distance from our location," Shigeru added.

"Which means," Misato began to say, "it's waiting for a chance to descend and close in, or it can attack us without doing either."

That part definitely worried the staff on the bridge. Gendo in particular wasn't feeling worried; he was too busy utilizing every inch of willpower to hold his facade together, after word of his fainting from the other day spread throughout HQ.

"We can't make a careless move at this rate," Makoto said.

"Either way, we can't do anything about it unless the target moves within our firing range," Misato said in turn. "And unfortunately, the EVAs aren't capable of attacking orbital targets." She then looked towards Maya's station. "How're the pilots?"

"They're ready to go," Maya replied. "All are in good shape."

"Roger that," Misato said. "Units 00 and 02, get ready to launch. Prepare for extreme long-range firing."

With that, EVAs 00 and 02 were catapaulted up to the surface.

"Units 01 and 03 will stand by for launch as backup," Misato ordered.

"Understood," Shinji responded over the comms.

"Here's hopin' it doesn't go for the toes," Toji said.

Once Rei and Asuka were topside, they each got a long-range positron rifle out of the weapons locker that appeared beside them and set them up for firing. It was gray and raining, which would normally be less-than-ideal factors in combating an airborne Angel. Unknown to everyone else, Rei had made a few secret preparations with this particular weapons locker. Hidden within was Beetlejuice, waiting in the form of an object Rei would use against this particular Angel.

Asuka got her equipment fully set up as Shigeru began to spot for her.

"Target is still outside firing range," Shigeru reported.

Asuka gritted her teeth in frustration. "Hhhh, this is why I hate birds," she muttered. "Hurry up and get down here already! We don't have all day!"

Up in orbit, Arael, the Angel of Birds, looked down on the city with a bemused feeling. He and Iruel had had something of a competition going on for eons over who deserved the title of "Angel of Fear" more. Arael was cocky, considering its particular abilities, and now it was going to show its sibling who'd be the most fearsome.

**"Well well, since you asked so nicely..."** Arael said to itself in a creepy tone, before it unleashed a pinkish light beam from its eyes.

The beam travelled downward, until it reached its target: Asuka and Unit-02. That was when the screaming started.

"What's happening?!" Misato demanded. "Is it a direct energy weapon?!"

"Negative!" Shigeru answered. "No thermal energy readings!"

"Her psychograph readings are agitated!" Maya reported with alarm. "Mental contamination starting!"

Ritsuko stared at the screens showing the psychographs, and a thought occurred to her.

"Now I get it-it's a psychological attack!" she said. "Can it...can it comprehend the mind of a human being?"

Right now, it was definitely no picnic for the youngest Sohryu woman.

"Ggggggoddammit!" Asuka cried. She tried to fire off a shot from the positron rifle, but it merely dissipated, as Arael was still outside the range.

**"Missed me!"** Arael teased. **"Heheheheheheh, my my, aren't you quite the bundle of nerves...Let's see what else you've got behind your walls, little girl, eeheheheheheheheh..."**

"_Nein!_" Kyoko cried from within Unit-02's core. "_Gott in himmel_, leave my daughter alone!" It was no use. Asuka tried firing off a shot again and again, but eventually her rifle ran out of ammo.

"Analysis?!" Misato demanded, fear and desperation in her voice.

"It's an energy wave within the visible spectrum!" Makoto reported. Up on the screen, the report appeared. "It's similar to an AT-Field, but details are unknown!"

"What about Asuka?!" Ristuko asked.

"She's in danger!" Maya reported. "Mental contamination's entered Y!"

Asuka herself was suffering more and more. "NO! Stay back! Stay back! Don't come near me!"

**"What's that?"** Arael asked sarcastically. **"Can you speak up? I'm afraid I can't hear you over Handel's 'Messiah', you'll need to speak louder! AHEHEHEHEHEHEH!"** The Angel kept the mental onslaught going, delighting in Asuka's tortured screams.

In the launch bay, Shinji and Toji were horrified at what they were hearing.

"Asuka! NO!" Shinji cried.

Ritsuko eyed the psychograph readings with an ever-growing sense of dread. "At this rate, Asuka's mental circuits will be torn to shreds!"

Misato looked away from Ritsuko and called on Asuka over the comms. "Asuka, retreat! You need to get out of there!"

Instinctively, Asuka's stubbornness stepped in. "NO! Never! I'm not giving it the satisfaction!"

"That's an order Asuka! Retreat, NOW!" Misato barked, worry in her voice.

"She's right, Asuka!" Kyoko pleaded. "Do it now! This is the one time you need to pick your battles! Get out of there! Please! I can't lose you to madness like you lost me to it! PLEASE!"

"I...I..." Asuka said, before realizing her mother was right. Struggling to get her hands back onto the controls, Asuka guided her EVA to jump out of the beam fast. She succeeded, and ducked behind a row of buildings. The light vanished, as Arael adjusted his targeting.

**"Ah, think you can get out of my sights so easily, girlie?"** Arael in a sinister manner. Its AT-Field then flared up as he was hit by a high-speed projectile, fired from Rei's own rifle. **"Ooh, that tickled. HEHEHEHEHEHEH..."**

"No good!" Shigeru confirmed, "the power level's far too low to penetrate the AT-Field at this range!"

Shinji's voice came over the comms at that moment. "Toji and I need to get up there! We've gotta help bring it down!" He was angry; if that thing did something horrible to Asuka's mind, he was going to make it pay.

"No!" Fuyutsuki responded. "Pilot Ikari, stay put! The target attacks the psyche, you'll end up just like Pilot Sohryu!"

Gendo looked up from his desk. "Right now, we must avoid the corrosion of Unit-01," he emphasized.

"Then I just have to keep from getting hit, right?!" Shinji asked.

"It ain't worth it, man!" Toji said. "Don't do it!"

"Pilot Suzuhara is correct," Gendo said. "Your success is not guaranteed." He then addressed Rei in Unit-00. "Rei, go down into Dogma and use the-"

"No need, sir! I may have an idea on how to bring it down!" Rei interrupted.

Gendo was extremely taken aback by this. "Wha-what did you say?!"

"I said I may have a way to take the Angel down, no lance required!" Rei reiterated.

"You...you sure?!" Shinji asked.

"Positive!" she reaffirmed. "It's in the locker where Asuka and I got our weapons from. Leave it to me!"

Everyone on the bridge was surprised by this sudden turn from Rei, more so than when she pulled her stunt during the fight with the 14th Angel. Rei paid their reactions no mind as she dashed back to the weapons locker, and opened a secret compartment. Turning off her comms for the moment, she reached in and grabbed the object she was looking for. "It's showtime," she whispered as she pulled said object out and hid it behind her back. She then dashed to the spot where Asuka was hit by Arael's beam.

"HEY! BIRDBRAIN! Want another psyche to shred?! Hit me with your best shot, you over-sized glass pigeon!" Rei shouted through Unit-00's speakers, goading Arael to attack her.

To Arael's chagrin, it worked. **"So, you wish to suffer the same way as your friend? So be it! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH..."** Arael wasted no time in firing another beam down towards Unit-00. Unfortunately for the Angel of Birds, that proved to be its undoing.

To the shock of everyone in Central Dogma and to the other EVA pilots, Rei swiftly took the object out from behind her back, revealing it to be a large mirror-a mirror with a black-and-white-striped frame, with a pair of crazy-looking yellow eyes at the top.

The beam soon hit the mirror, which in turn absorbed it until Arael stopped firing, utterly aghast at what just happened. The mirror's eyes then looked up towards Arael's own, and a big, toothy grin emerged under them. All human observers could've sworn they heard Rei's mirror burp at that moment.

"Hmmm," Beetlejuice said, licking his lips with a striped tongue, "needs more salt. Here, try some o' mine!"

The mirror then fired a similar beam skyward, back at Arael. Unlike Arael's beam, it was a weird, psychedelic cavalcade of colors, one that not even the highest hippie could ever imagine. A surprised Arael couldn't maneuver itself in time to dodge, and the beam struck its own psyche dead-on. Its eyes bugged out as soon as Beetlejuice's voice started cackling in its head.

"So, ya think YOU can scare shmoes easily?" Beetlejuice sarcastically echoed in the depths of Arael's mindscape. "Well now, let's see how _you_ like it, thanks to a little somethin' cooked up by one Pr'fesser Scofield of UCLA. Accordin' to his work, THESE are the things that can cause fear in even the most FEARLESS of lunatics. Looks like you qualify, bubbie-enjoy the ride! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Soon, Arael began to hear music; specifically, for some strange reason, "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies". Then an image appeared in front of it.

**"What...what is this?"** Arael wondered, as it looked upon the image of men toweling off in a locker room.

"PUBLIC. SHOWERSSSS." Beetlejuice loudly hissed with glee. Arael's eyes widened. Soon, it was replaced with a new image, that of infants in various cute animal outfits, which caused Arael to tremble.

"BABIES..._in costume_," Beetlejuice dramatically said. "Is it a baby...? Or is it...a snail...?" Beetlejuice then giggled maniacally while Arael began to squirm more and more. The image before it changed again, this time depicting an elderly couple.

"_OLD_ PEOPLE! Oohoohoohoohoohoohoo..." Beetlejuice intoned.

**"No...no, no, get this out! Get this out of my head!"** Arael cried with fear. The Angel of Birds was now quivering like crazy.

Down in Central Dogma, the staff watching were stunned.

"What's it doing?!" Misato wondered cautiously.

"Is it...shivering?" Ritsuko added. "It looks like it's being terrified."

"By what?" Maya asked.

"I have no idea..." Ritsuko answered, confused and at the same time unnerved.

Back up in orbit, Arael was still going through its Beetlejuice-inflicted ordeal. A new image had taken the place of the elderly couple, this time depicting a cute tiger cub posing for a photo with a chimpanzee.

"Inter-species _RELATIONS_!" Beetlejuice identified in the vein of a twisted carnival sideshow barker.

**"The terror...the terror! It's too much, too much!"** Arael shrieked, its eyes getting wider and wider, its mental state pushed to the limits and then some. Another image then appeared.

"BLACK LICORICE!"

**"Oh please, PLEASE make it stop!"** Another image appeared.

"MAN FEET!"

**"Oh, OOOHHH...!"**

"OTTERS!"

That did it for Arael. Soon, the beam of light dissipated, and Arael abandoned all sense of maintaining its orbit, as it started plummeting down to Earth, eventually crashing into one of the three Lake Ashis, the furthest one away from the city.

"We tracked the Angel's trajectory!" Shigeru reported. "Lake Ashi #3, the furthest one out."

Rei heard the whole thing over the comms. After putting the mirror back into the weapons locker, she moved Unit-00 over to Unit-02.

"Hey Asuka," she began to say. "Your crystalline tormentor landed outside the city. Feel like a little petty revenge?"

Asuka looked up at Rei through the vid-screen, an expression of angry determination on her face. "Hell yeah," she said.

Soon Unit-02 rose from its position behind the buildings, and it and Unit-00 broke off into a run towards Arael's crash site. Eventually, they made it to where the Angel landed, which had the effect of displacing a large amount of water into the other two lakes and a number of fields nearby. Both EVAs looked down at the Angel of Birds: most of its crystalline wingspan had shrunk significantly upon reentry into Earth's atmosphere, leaving mere stubs on each side of the body. Arael itself was curled up into as much of a fetal position as it could, rocking back and forth with a disturbed look in its eyes. Asuka and Rei heard it mutter something as it did so:

**"The horror...The horror..."**

This didn't faze Asuka, who quickly drew her prog knife from Unit-02's shoulder pylon. "How's it feel now, _arschloch_?" she said before plunging the knife into Arael's core.

**"*SIGH* Finally..."** Arael said with relief before it exploded. Asuka and Rei managed to power up their own AT-Fields in time, sparing them from the worst of the blast. Soon the explosion dissipated, and all was relatively quiet, save for the sound of the pouring rain.

An eerie calm present in Central Dogma was broken when Misato cleared her throat.

"Units 00 and 02, return to base," she ordered. "Angel has been destroyed. Units 01 and 03, stand down." Upon hearing that, both EVAs made their way back to the entrances from which they emerged. Eventually, the entry plugs were brought out of the EVAs and opened. When Asuka got out of hers, she saw an anxious Shinji waiting for her on the walkway. Without hesitation, she ran to him and gripped him in a tight embrace. Shinji returned it with one of his own, comforting Asuka as she did the one thing she promised herself at age six she would never do again.

After eight long years, Asuka Langley Sohryu cried into her boyfriend's shoulder.

**Terminal Dogma, an hour or so later...**

Gendo was in a daze as he walked towards the section of Terminal Dogma dubbed the Chamber of Gauf. Once again, a part of his scenario had gone astray. Rei was supposed to descend into Terminal Dogma, remove the Lance of Longinus from Lilith's chest, return to the surface, and kill off the Angel with it. That way, the old men of SEELE would be deprived of a key component of _their_ scenario. And yet, Rei defied him, and still managed to kill off the Angel anyway-with a giant, strange-looking mirror. Paranoia was what guided Gendo down to Lilith's chamber in order to see if the lance was still there. Even if that part of his scenario didn't pan out, he figured the lance could still be of use. No sooner than he entered the chamber did he receive yet another unexpected shock.

The lance was gone!

In a panic, Gendo got out his cellphone and quickly dialed Fuyutsuki. The other line rang a couple of times before the vice-commander picked up.

"Ikari? What's the matter?" the professor asked.

"Sensei! It's terrible, unbelievably terrible!" Gendo replied frantically.

"Settle down, man! What are you talking about?"

"It's the lance! It's missing! Gone! Vanished! Kaput!"

Fuyutsuki grew cold upon hearing that. "But...but we never even used it! How could this happen?!"

"I don't know!" Gendo said. "SEELE couldn't be behind this, it'd be impossible for them to get it out of here undetected!"

Fuyutsuki was now starting to worry. "The old men won't stand for this, if they find out..."

"We'll figure out an excuse! One that'll be plausible, guaranteed!" Gendo was starting to sweat profusely. "Meet me in my office, and we'll discuss the details." He then hung up. Looking again at the form of the Second Angel, he was then unexpectedly treated to the sight of some newcomers. A grinning Beetlejuice stood there, making Lilith visibly cringe, while standing in front of him were four small beings that looked like sack cloth rag dolls. Each had a number stitched onto their person: 9, 8, 6, and 5. All four wore bow ties and straw hats.

"Whaddya think?" Beetlejuice asked. "My new discoveries. I think they'll be goin' places, they're just THAT talented. Show 'em, boys."

With that, the one labeled 5 took out a pitch pipe and blew it once, cuing the others to begin.

9 started off, in a beautiful Irish tenor:

_**Sweeeeeet Adeliiiiinnnneeee**_

The other three followed in harmony:

_**Sweet Ad-el-iiiiinnnneeee**_

A dumbstruck Gendo, for the second time ever, fainted on the spot.

**END Chapter 12.**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Well, that's five down, two to go. No wait, that's three out, two down, two to go. Ah, well.**

**As you can see here, my take on Rei I've developed into something of a comedy geek, and you'll see where it pays off later on. The movie she, Shinji and Asuka wind up watching is of course the classic Bob Hope and Bing Crosby-starring ****_Road to Morocco, _****the third entry in their ****_Road to... _****series of film collaborations.**

**The line on the diner business card is a slight nod to the classic mystery/suspense TV series ****_Twin Peaks_****, where the diner in the show was well known for their pie and, in the words of central character Dale Cooper, a 'damn good cup of coffee'.**

**Rei's elevator ride with Asuka has a more positive outlook this time around, as you've noticed. The muzak is a deliberate nod to the very film Asuka mentions, ****_The Blues Brothers_****, where that same song is heard in the elevator Jake and Elwood travel in during the climax of the movie.**

**Asuka's discussion with her mother takes a few cues from author Traitor of All Traitors' story "Reversal of Misfortune", a nice read if I do say so.**

**The means by which Rei and Beetlejuice defeat Arael is lifted from the ****_Chuck _****episode "Chuck versus the Aisle of Terror".**

**The Burton reference this time around comes in the form of a 2009 animated movie he co-produced, ****_9_****. The rag doll 'barbershop quartet' is made up of four of the 9 Stitchpunks from the film.**


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13 - Cards on the Table (with a side of hash browns)**

For once, the early morning air in Tokyo-3 was cool and crisp, a feeling not unnoticed by the five people who met up on the same street corner. Misato and Kaji were on one end, with Kaji carrying a small briefcase. Maya and Ritsuko were on the other end, Maya wearing a messenger bag on her left shoulder. Makoto had showed up a minute ago, with a small backpack hanging from his right shoulder. The five nodded to each other and then headed towards the same direction. Eventually, they reached their destination, whose appearance managed to surprise them.

NERV-ous Nellie's was placed in between two taller buildings, and architecturally was based on a typical 1950's American diner. The neon red sign had the NERV logo, followed by the letters o, u, and s, and was above and to the right of the name 'Nellie's', with a neon carhop on roller skates 'quivering' as she carried her tray.

"Huh, never knew this was here before today," Misato noted.

"I'm surprised none of the people from PR have seen this," Makoto said. "One look at the sign alone and they would've taken them to court over copyright infringement."

"Long as it doesn't have a health department notice, they can use our logo for _whatever_ they like," said Maya.

"Come to think of it," Ritsuko began to wonder, "how come I've never seen it written up somewhere?"

"Maybe it sprung up overnight," Kaji surmised. The very idea of that proved to be a bit eerie and unnerving to all of them.

The quintet looked at each other for a moment, shrugged, and then headed to the front door. As Kaji opened it, a little bell rung, and all five took a moment to take in the place. For something that resembled a typical _greasy spoon_ on the outside, it was pretty clean on the inside. A jukebox hung out in the far left corner, right next to the _gallery_. The people drew mixed reactions from the five newcomers. All the bar stools were filled with customers either ordering or working through their food. Behind the counter, the _ladybug_ manipulated all the tabs on the fountain-with all four of his arms. On the other side of the window separating the counter from the kitchen, they could see an _angel_ with three heads assembling a trio of biscuit sandwiches, while a good few feet from him the _bubble dancer_-who resembled a man-fish-was scrubbing away on some plates.

"Welcome ta Noiv-ous Nellie's, how many o' you we got fer today?"

The five turned to the source of that question and found a _soup jockey_-a not-too-attractive-one at that-ready to seat them. Though none of them knew it, their hostess was Beetlejuice in disguise; NERV-ous Nellie's was a creation of his, plus the hiring of some folks from the netherworld to staff it. Against his more unsavory tendencies (and on Naoko's terms), he urged the mugs he hired to maintain the quality and appearance of a 'respectable' dining establishment to provide a fitting, if cliched, atmosphere for these people to compare their notes in peace. (Plus, they'd earn a few bucks feeding them some good grub.)

The five newcomers looked at one another warily, before Kaji finally answered the question.

"Uh, table for five, if you please," he said.

"Make it eight," said a voice coming from behind them. The five turned around and saw Shinji, Asuka, and Rei come in the door, surprising them.

"What're you guys doing here?" Misato asked.

"Rei suggested we go out to breakfast for once, and she recommended this place," Shinji answered.

"More like gushed about it," Asuka added. The Second Child looked a little worn, since she'd had a couple of sleepless nights since the fight with the 15th Angel. Not once since the morning started had she let go of Shinji's hand.

"Hope you don't mind," Rei said. "We won't impose."

"Right dis way, folks, we gotta nice big table in th' back fer ya here," the waitress said as she ushered them to said back room. Sure enough, the table was big enough for all eight people, who took their seats. The waitress handed each of them a menu.

"All'right, I'll top ya off wit' some _dog soup_," she said as she poured water into each of their glasses. "Word o' warning, the special's _eighty-sixed_ 'cause we ran outta a key ingredient. Anythin' ta drink besides water?" she asked as she held up her notepad and pencil.

Misato was quick to respond. "Coffee for the five of us. What about you three?" she asked as she looked to the pilots.

"Uh...orange juice for me, please," Shinji said.

"I'll have what he's having," Rei added.

"I'll...have some hot tea," said Asuka, in a voice unusually subdued for herself.

"Peppamint or English breakfast?"

"Uh...peppermint, definitely."

The waitress jotted all that down. "I'll be back in a minute wit'cha drinks, _gravel train_ an' cream's on da table fer those o' ya that like their cup o' Joe a bit sweet." She then headed out to the counter to get the drink orders filled. The party at the table then turned to one another, unused to meeting at a time this early in the morning.

"How're you feeling, Asuka?" Kaji asked his former ward. He'd heard about what she'd been through during the fight with the 15th Angel, and that it'd done a number on her. When she'd been examined for any signs of lingering contamination (of which there wasn't, thankfully), it was theorized that she would've come out worse, had she been in the Angel's line of fire longer. It'd been touch-and-go with her for the past 48 hours, but she was lucky she had gotten a lot of support from her friends. (That, and having dealt the killing blow to the Angel itself helped Asuka gain a bit of closure on the matter.) Just by being there for her was enough to help Asuka come to terms with, if not outright overcome, the near-violation of her mind. Continued support would hopefully help her get better as time went on, until she could see a decent therapist.

"...I'm...I'm feeling okay," she hesitantly replied. "Just taking it day by day." Shinji felt the grip on his hand tighten a bit. He in turn put an arm around Asuka's shoulder, while giving her a smile at the same time.

Ritsuko could empathize with Asuka a bit. After all she'd learned about her relationship with Commander Ikari, in hindsight she felt part of herself had been violated for all this time.

The waitress soon returned with the juice glasses, the tea and teapot, a coffeepot, and six mugs. As soon as everyone had their drink on the table, she poured the piping hot brew into five of the mugs.

"So, ev'rybody know what they want?" she asked, holding up her pad and pencil.

Everyone took another look at the menus before they started giving off their orders.

Makoto: "I'll have the...sausage patty melt, side of hash browns."

Misato: "I'm gonna go with the...spicy cheese scramble, two links, and rye toast."

Ritsuko: "Greek omelet, fresh fruit on the side."

Kaji: "Steak and eggs, eggs sunny-side up."

Maya: "I'll have the, uh...eggs Benedict, side of hash browns too."

Shinji: "The cinnamon roll french toast, with a side of bacon."

Asuka: "Belgian waffle, two sausage links."

Rei: "Steel-cut oatmeal, grapefruit on the side."

The waitress jotted it all down with great attention-to-detail. "Be right back witch'er grub in a little bit." She soon headed to the kitchen, where the party of eight could hear her shouting off their orders to the cook in a dialect they couldn't understand. (_"Cinnamon biddy board, bacon in th' alley!" "Wreck 'em spicy, on a log, whiskey down!"_) While that happened, the jukebox came to life with "Kool Kat Walk" by Julee Cruise; a man with an eye patch and a gaudily-colored suit started dancing (badly) as it played. The party then turned to their drinks, as the adults all put what they wanted into their coffee (those that didn't kept it black). Kaji was the first to take a sip of his, and when he did, a small smile popped up on his face.

"You know," he started to say, "this is, excuse me, a damn fine cup of coffee."

"Guess the business card didn't lie," said Ritsuko as she took a drink from hers.

Misato added to the chorus after sipping hers. "SO much better than the dreck we get at HQ."

"Definitely," Maya and Makoto both added.

"Wonder why we keep getting that brand anyway..." Maya said.

"When it comes to EVA upgrades, the Commander's all in," Ritsuko answered her. "Everything else, he's a notorious penny-pincher."

Now they all had another reason to dislike Gendo Ikari immensely.

The pilots all took a sip of their respective drinks, with Asuka blowing on her cup of tea to cool it off a bit.

"The three of you are probably wondering why we're all here..." Kaji said as he looked at the pilots.

"Probably involves the word 'SEELE', I can guess," Rei said nonchalantly. That drew surprised looks from the adults at the table.

"How do you-?" Misato began to ask.

"We'll get to that in a bit," Rei said before she could finish.

"Point is, we know most of it," Shinji said.

"SEELE, the Human Instrumentality Project, the works," Asuka said.

The adults did double-takes at hearing that.

"Seriously, how do you know about all that?" Kaji asked.

The pilots looked to each other before one of them finally answered.

"We found out about this...from your mother, Dr. Akagi," Shinji replied hesitantly.

Ritsuko was stunned. "M-my mother...? How did you...?"

"We contacted her-I can't believe I'm even saying this-via a séance," Asuka answered.

"A séance? Really? Like on TV?" a surprised Maya wondered.

"You mean with the candles, and the crystal ball, and-?" Makoto asked.

"YES," both Shinji and Asuka clarified, getting slightly annoyed by the questioning.

"Trust me, I was HIGHLY skeptical too, until I saw it in action," Asuka said. "Shinji, me, Rei, our friends-we all saw things that would turn you white! This stuff is real, folks, get over it." She then took another sip of her tea. The adults silently agreed with her statement, taking into account everything that'd been going on since before the 11th Angel struck.

Misato and Kaji eyed each other briefly. "So that means they-?" Misato started to ask.

"Yes," Shinji answered. "We all swore them to secrecy. Dr. Akagi-Naoko, that is-warned us of what would happen if they said anything out loud." A small, amused smile crept onto his face. "I think if anything, Kensuke's probably disillusioned over anything NERV or EVA for life."

"Amen to that," Asuka chimed in.

Makoto then cleared his throat. "Uh, mind sharing with the rest of the class here?"

Considering Makoto was the only one at the table not in the know about the full extent of the conspiracy, they indulged him. As they got out some of the materials they'd brought with them in their respective bags, Misato went first.

"It all began the day everyone thought the world ended: Second Impact," she started to say. "My father was in charge of an expedition to Antarctica, to study some strange object that was found in the ice. My mother...reluctantly let him bring me along, thinking it'd be a way for us to spend time together. Unfortunately, once again his work took up nearly all his time. I couldn't stand it. If things were bad enough between us at home, in a frozen wasteland it was worse. The day of Second Impact, I remember arguing with him as I stormed away back to the cabin we shared at base camp."

Kaji took over from there. "Professor Katsuragi had a visitor a minute after you'd locked yourself in: Gendo Ikari. He'd been acting as an auditor for the expedition on behalf of its backers...better known as the Human Instrumentality Committee."

"Aka the backers of GEHIRN, aka the backers of NERV, aka the grand poobahs of SEELE," Asuka added. "We know who they are: a dozen cruel, old, rich guys obsessed with living forever and controlling everything."

"The Illuminatti's Illuminatti," said Rei. Makoto's eyebrows went up; he'd gone to college with a few conspiracy nuts, but never paid much heed to their ramblings. He couldn't believe that there was the possibility that they'd be right about a few things.

Kaji nodded at Rei's statement."Gendo Ikari'd been sent by them to collect every bit of data from the expedition gathered so far," he explained, pointing to a photo of the man entering the main office of the expedition's field leads. Another photo showed him leaving the office, a large briefcase in one hand and something resembling a cooler in the other. "Once he had what he came for, he left the base camp by helicopter. While he was on his way, Professor Katsuragi headed back to where the frozen Adam was being studied. An hour or so after Ikari's chopper was long out of range, that was the moment when everything went to hell."

Unpleasant memories started coming back to Misato at that moment. "Adam's awakening was a disaster unlike anything ever seen before. The cabin I was in was obliterated. Asuka's seen my scar...Despite how fatal his wounds were, my father did one thing he'd hoped would redeem himself. He carried me all the way to a survival capsule, left his cross with me, and sealed me in. My capsule got blown far from the site by the shockwaves. I'd managed to open it up a while later, found myself floating in the water far from the continent, and saw Adam rise up...only to disappear in an explosion of light." She paused somberly for a moment. "I'll never forget that day as long as I live."

Shinji's eyebrows furrowed as he spoke. "And my father got away before it all went down." He looked up at Kaji and Misato. "He knew what'd happen that day. The SEELE council knew this too-since they deliberately caused it to happen."

Now Misato was stunned. "Bastards..." she muttered. "We've been working for murderers this whole time..."

"Add manipulators and blackmailers as well," Ritsuko said. "From what I've learned from speaking with the vice-commander for a while, Ikari had a way of getting what he wanted, even before he was put into varying positions of authority." Ritsuko looked into her coffee mug for a moment before she continued. "According to him, the two first met not long after Fuyutsuki had met Yui Ikari while she was his student at Kyoto U. Gendo went by Rokubungi back then; he'd gotten into a bar fight one night and while he was held at a police station, he asked to be released into the professor's custody." She then pointed to an old mug shot of Gendo from the night of his arrest. "The vice-commander told me it was Gendo's way of wanting to meet him. Not long after, Yui Ikari formally introduced the two of them; on another occasion, the professor learned they'd been dating. Some time after Second Impact occurred, Fuyutsuki had left his position to work as an unlicensed medical doctor in the ruins of Toyohashi, to help compensate for the shortage of medical personnel."

Kaji continued from there. "Fuyutsuki wound up being recruited as part of a UN investigation of Ground Zero at the South Pole; turns out his recommendation was made anonymously by, who else, Gendo Ikari, who'd been appointed director of the UN Artificial Evolution Laboratory at the time. The two men bumped into one another before the expedition left; he'd also learned that your parents were engaged."

"How'd you learn that from him?" Shinji asked.

Misato looked at her charge. "Remember the night you saw me cry into his shoulder?"

Both Shinji and Asuka nodded 'yes'.

"Earlier that day, I'd gone and rescued the vice-commander from a SEELE facility hidden in the city," Kaji explained. "After depositing him at a JDA safehouse, we talked for a while."

He then pointed to some photos of a press gathering that had gone into an uproar over something announced at the UN. "The investigation wound up being cut short, and that action was subject to a cover-up. Fuyutsuki was undeterred and continued investigating on his own; it eventually led to him confronting Ikari with his findings."

Ritsuko took it from there. "Ikari wasn't fazed by his accusations, or his threat of going public with the findings. What he did instead was take him into a place that was then under construction, the future home for the Artificial Evolution Laboratory."

Maya realized what her girlfriend was referring to. "The Geofront."

Ritsuko nodded in affirmation. "He showed the professor the prototype of what would be known as an Evangelion. The professor also discovered a colleague of his working down there: my mother, who was also the lead scientist." She closed her eyes for a moment, while Maya laid her hand on hers reassuringly. "According to the vice-commander, Ikari's exact words of invitation were to join them in 'creating a new genesis for Mankind'. The Artificial Evolution Laboratory was then revealed to him as the public face of the agency called GEHIRN; Ikari revealed himself as its director."

Kaji spoke again. "Fuyutsuki became one of its founding members, with little choice. He'd apparently been threatened by SEELE with being 'erased', since he knew too much. For him, working for the 'enemy' was a means to avoid that."

Shinji then posed a question. "How did my mother get pulled into this?"

Ritsuko answered that. "From what the professor learned, apparently her father had been a longtime member of SEELE, and she'd been led to believe that their motives were altruistic. Her SEELE connection, and her talent, were apparently why your father approached her in the first place. Believe it or not, the two did genuinely fall for each other. She was a skilled bio-engineer by trade; her research was essential for what became Project E. Then came her moment of tragedy."

Shinji knew where this was going immediately. "The contact experiment." Misato looked to her longtime friend in surprise.

Ritsuko nodded. "It was a few years after Fuyutsuki joined GEHIRN. Your mother volunteered to be the test subject for the incomplete Unit-01. She brought you along to see it. Fuyutsuki mentioned she wanted to show you the bright future she wanted for you. She'd been led to believe that the experiment was part of the research into creating artificial souls." She paused for a moment as she looked into Shinji's eyes. "You're familiar with the rest of the story."

Shinji nodded. "We learned from Naoko Akagi about what happened afterwards. Her work on the MAGI, how she started seeing my fa...the Commander..." He tensed for a bit as he continued. "How he manipulated her into killing someone, and then herself afterwards."

Asuka then looked at Ritsuko. "We're...so, so sorry, Doctor." Misato could've sworn that this was the first time she'd ever heard the Second Child apologize for anything.

"She told us that my mother-and Asuka's-have been in our EVAs all along," Shinji. "Whenever Unit-01 went berserk, it was my mom taking control to protect me."

Ritsuko eyed both pilots with guilt. "There's nothing you two need to apologize for," she said. "If anything, I should be the one apologizing to you." She took a moment to look around at the others. "To all of you, for keeping you in the dark for so long. And especially you, Shinji, for not telling you about my relationship with your father."

Shinji seemed to understand Ritsuko's feelings in saying that. "How did you get together with him?"

"It was after my mother had died," she replied. "He comforted me, helped me try to move on from her passing. I thought I was attracted to him...but later on began to realize he was just using me. For so long I was trying to get out of my mother's shadow...But some time ago, I started figuring out that we were definitely more alike than I imagined. To Gendo Ikari, we were nothing more than a means to an end."

"Speaking of," Makoto chimed in, "what exactly is this 'end'?"

Rei took a long sip of her juice, then a deep breath, before she answered his question. "THE end."

"Commander Jerkoff and the Committee haven't been trying to prevent Third Impact," Asuka clarified. "In their own ways, they've been readying the world for when they actually cause it."

Makoto, Misato and Kaji nearly dropped their mugs upon hearing that.

"Wha-what?!" Makoto asked, bewildered.

"What do you know about how they plan to do it?" Ritsuko asked the pilots.

Shinji was the first to hesitantly answer. "Your mother learned about it from whatever limbo she's been in since her death." He took another sip of his drink.

"According to her," Asuka started to explain, "the SEELE creeps, once the remaining Angels are killed, plan to conduct some bizarre 'ritual' involving a part of Adam and Lilith, the Angel imprisoned beneath HQ...(yes, we somehow have the Second Angel living in our basement; don't believe me, ask Kaji and Misato, and the doctor); somehow EVA-01 and the other Mass Production EVAs are part of it too. Once those two are united, all of humanity gets wiped out, and their collective souls get mashed together into some kind of super-being, with the souls of SEELE acting as its brain."

"'Eternal life, at the cost of all human individuality'," Shinji said. "Those were your mother's words."

Maya, Misato, Kaji, and Makoto paled at hearing that. It was pretty clear that the idea of humanity being forcefully fused into a great hive-mind was not too appealing for the members of the fledgling 'resistance' within NERV.

"Some of that paper trail I tracked is starting to make sense now," Makoto said. "They must be allocating funding and materials to speed up the completion of the remaining MP EVAs."

"Even worse," Ritsuko began to add, "I had the MAGI secretly feed me some info on the dummy system. Before the disc containing all the data went missing, a lot of the research had been sent to some of the other branches. My guess is they'll be working to perfect it for the MP EVAs."

"Sounds like they're making drones the size of a ten-story building," Maya said. "Somehow, I don't think a program based on a Jim Carrey movie'll help us this time."

"What I want to know is," Misato started to say, "Ikari's already got Lilith in the waiting, but Adam's a different story. It was supposed to have been destroyed in Second Impact..."

"Except it wasn't," Kaji said. "Not all of it at least."

All eyes turned to the stubble-ridden spy. "As part of my cover for the JDA, I acted as a double-agent for Ikari and for SEELE. An errand Ikari had me handle was smuggling the one surviving sample of Adam out of NERV-3 and bring it to him here." He then looked at Shinji and Asuka, and briefly at Misato. "Believe it or not, the three of you were there when I went to deliver it."

Asuka's eyes went up in surprise when she realized what he'd been talking about. "That briefcase you had-the one with the HAZMAT symbol on it!"

Misato glared at Kaji. "That's why you fled in the VTOL jet while we fought the Sixth Angel," she said.

"Add that to the long list of regrets I've been making," Kaji said. "And to the longer list of mistakes I want to atone for."

"But that's just SEELE's plan," Ritsuko said. "I don't know if they already suspect it or don't, but the Commander's got a plan of his own."

"And that's...?" Kaji asked.

"He wants to take control of Third Impact for himself," Shinji answered. "So he can be with my mother again."

Ritsuko's grip on her mug tightened. "Now I'm glad I'm done with him," she muttered. "It was always about _her_, wasn't it...?" She then eased up as soon as she saw Shinji's look of concern. "Er, no offense, Shinji."

"None taken," he said in turn. Maya then took Ritsuko's hand in her own, helping her settle down further.

"We all know what needs to be done from this moment on," Misato stated.

"Yes," Ritsuko began to say. "We need to stop both SEELE and Ikari, before it's too late."

The moment she finished her sentence, the waitress popped back in with large trays filled with everyone's food. They all soon dug in right when their respective plates were placed in front of them. Her job done, the waitress headed back out. Out of the corner of Makoto's eyes, he could swear that the same guy with the eye patch was still dancing, the song still going. Even stranger was the sight of some other guy barking at a dog that was barking outside.

_Yep, things are really getting weirder,_ he thought to himself as he took the first bite of his patty melt. Surprisingly, it was delicious. The others had similar reactions to their respective dishes, to the point where they each sampled a bit from one another (with a few exceptions in Rei's case). In no time at all, their plates were cleaned off, with nary a scrap left.

"God, I haven't eaten that well for a long time," Ritsuko admitted.

"Ditto for me," Asuka said. "Think you can make anything better than this, Third?"

"Challenge accepted," Shinji replied, the taste of his french toast still lingering in his mind.

"Lookin' forward to it," Misato added.

The mood then returned to something more serious, as all eight people at the table contemplated their earlier discussion.

"We'll need to keep up appearances around HQ," Misato said. "We've still got two Angels left to deal with." She then turned to Kaji. "In between, we'll work out what we can do to get the drop on both SEELE and the Commander."

Makoto nodded first. "I'll keep going on my end, solidifying the paper trail, build up enough financial evidence."

"I'll see if some probing through the MAGI will bring anything more to the surface," Maya added. "Rits and I know its ins and outs, and ways to get around its tracking programs so we don't draw any attention to ourselves."

Asuka then spoke next. "Shinji and I have been in contact with our mothers," she said. "We'll see if we can glean any insight from them, given their history with the whole thing."

Ritsuko, Maya and Misato expressed some surprise at hearing that.

"You mean, all those recent tests-?" Maya started to wonder.

"Were us catching up with mothers," Shinji finished. "Naoko did tell us that Units-03, 04, and 05 were different, but we're still in the dark about Unit-00 and what's in its core."

Ritsuko looked to the side briefly before turning back to them. "I'll answer that for you, but not now. Once the 16th Angel's taken care of, I'll tell you everything, in the one place best to discuss it."

"Which is-?" Asuka asked, one eyebrow raised.

"...Terminal Dogma," Ritsuko answered hesitantly. "Misato, for that, I'd like you to accompany them when I take you down there."

Misato slowly nodded in agreement. Rei then chose that moment to speak up, raising her glass as she did.

"I guess this calls for a toast then," she said. The others decided to play along and raised their glasses or mugs as well.

"What to?" Makoto asked.

Rei gave it some thought before she answered with a confident smile on her face. "To cancelling the apocalypse."

Everyone else smiled as they all clinked their glasses together. "To cancelling the apocalypse," they all said. They then took one last sip from their drinks and put their cups down. At that moment, the waitress came back in.

"All finished?" she asked. "Now, are ya all together, or is it separate checks?"

The eight people looked at each other dumbstruck, as they hadn't given that detail some thought. Eventually, it was worked out that Ritsuko would handle hers, Maya's and Makoto's, while Kaji took care of the rest. A few minutes later, the waitress had the checks brought back with their respective receipts, along with a delicious-looking cherry pie, whose crust was done in an odd zigzag pattern. All eight looked up at the waitress perplexed.

"On da house," she said, "since yer first-time customers. Wanted ta make ya feel at home. Enjoy!" She then headed out the door. The party of eight looked back at each other, shrugged, and decided they could probably squeeze in a slice or two in addition to their hearty breakfasts. Unsurprisingly, the pie was a hit with them.

"This cherry pie," Ritsuko started to say, "is a _miracle_."

"Amen to that," Maya added in, savoring her bite.

Rei swallowed her own bite before she spoke. "Mmmm...just call me 'where pies go when they die'."

"Sounds like something Edgar Allen Poe would say," Asuka said.

Soon the group of eight finished off the pie, got up and gathered their materials, and walked out of the back room. Once out, they were a bit perturbed by the sights before them. The eye patch man was still dancing badly to the still-playing "Kool Kat Walk"; a near-giant of a man with a comically-deep voice ordered three cinnamon-sugar doughnuts; a guy wearing a football helmet sitting at the counter was thumping his head against a napkin dispenser; the dishwasher was walking backwards out of the kitchen as he collected dishware from the booths; another waitress shimmied along to the song as she made her way across the floor; and the other guy Makoto had spied in the booth was still barking back at a barking dog outside. The only thing that seemed 'normal' to them was the mustachioed man wearing a blonde wig, a pink angora sweater, and a skirt who had just sat down at the counter, slapped some change onto it, and ordered a shot of Imperial whiskey. The eight people did their best not to stare as they quietly exited the diner and made their way to their respective homes (or in the case of the NERV staff, to HQ).

Long after they'd left the diner, Naoko and Beetlejuice floated above it, discussing the group's conversation.

"Looks like there's no going back for them now," Naoko said solemnly. "Which means we've got the rest of our work cut out for us."

Beetlejuice wasn't fazed. "Ehh, it'll be fine. 'Arc o' justice' and all that jazz," he said reassuringly.

"What're you going to do for the rest of the day?" she asked him.

"Welllll...probably gonna go dig up some dirt on Angel sixteen," he replied, "then put in my 'usual' appearance in yer ex's office."

Naoko smiled a bit, since she'd grown particularly amused by those bits of his. "What'll you do this time?"

Beetlejuice smiled a very sly smile. "Somethin' a little more..._artsy_."

**Gendo's office, late afternoon...**

Gendo was dreading the coming meeting with the Committee. Considering the gravity of the situation they were to discuss, of course he would be. He needed to go over the various answers and excuses he and Fuyutsuki had cooked up in anticipation of the third degree they were going to subject him to. He sighed wearily as he reached for his office door. Once again, no matter how many times he'd done it, whatever laid on the other side still found a way to surprise him and unnerve him greatly. This time when he opened the door, he was greeted by a room covered in tarp while Beetlejuice, in a form resembling actor Christoph Waltz, sat behind a canvas, painting away. Noticing his visitor, BeetleWaltz stood up and looked from behind the canvas at Gendo with a smug smile on his face.

"Ah, how fortunate!" he said. "I was juuust putting the finishing touches on. What do you think?" He then held up the canvas and turned it around, revealing a portrait of Gendo with very, very big eyes, that almost seemed to look into one's soul. Gendo, mouth agape and very disturbed by the painting, quickly slammed the door behind him. He took a big, deep breath before he opened it again, revealing his normal, untouched office. Gendo stiltedly walked to his chair after closing the door behind him, sat down, took a deep breath again, and then yelled one thing at the top of his lungs.

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!"

**END Chapter 13.**

****Author's Note(s)****

**This was a bit of a complex chapter for me to write, considering it focused on everyone doing what else but 'laying their cards on the table'. I picked the diner setting because in a lot of mystery films, it was kind of the usual spot where the detective would chat with either the femme fatale or a suspect as they went about their case. That, and it afforded me to try my hand at using bits of old-fashioned diner lingo (which is italicized). If you're curious as to what the terms mean, I highly recommend checking out .**

**Also, the setting let me employ a small number of riffs on another non-Burton work, in this case ****_Twin Peaks _****again. (And its parody from one of my favorite shows, ****_Psych, _****the episode titled "Dual Spires".)**

**Doesn't mean there weren't Burton references present. The cross-dressing customer seen towards the end is another nod to ****_Ed Wood, _****from the scene where he meets Orson Welles at Musso and Frank's. The other comes when Gendo sees his transformed office again in a riff on the 2014 film ****_Big Eyes_****, Burton's biopic of American artist Margaret Keane and her famous paintings of people with big eyes, which her husband Walter (played by Christoph Waltz) took credit for, leading to a lawsuit and trial that involved the two.**


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14 - Armisael, Stretched to the Limit**

The mood of the Committee could be described in simply two words: absolutely livid.

No wonder, considering the matter they were discussing with Gendo, who despite his ever-fragmenting mental state, did his best to maintain his usual stoic facade in front of the faceless holographic monoliths. It also didn't help that the meeting began with SEELE-05 yelling-

"IKARIII-you got some splainin' to do!"

"Do you realize how IMPOSSIBLE it'll be for us to track down and recover the lance AGAIN?!" SEELE-07 added.

"You had ONE job, one ADDITIONAL job," SEELE-11 began to say, "and that was to have the _fricking_ Lance of Longinus stored safely until it was to be used!"

"And don't try to deny it," SEELE-08 chimed in, "it is our understanding that you almost ordered the pilot of Unit-00 to retrieve it to use against the 15th Angel. WHY did you even consider using it in the first place?!"

"We still don't even have the planned number of the EVA series ready yet, you dip!" SEELE-04 said.

Gendo, holding back his fraying edges, coldly looked at the monoliths as he spoke.

"I made destroying the Angel my first priority, hence my reasoning to consider using the lance," he explained. "The fact that the situation had been unexpectedly...avoided should provide you with relief."

"Yes, the actions of Pilot Ayanami and her odd 'weapon'," SEELE-09 said. "The matter of her 'commendation' will be set aside for later. But for now, the fact of the matter is the lance has disappeared, UNDER YOUR WATCH."

"Your recent actions have become intolerable, Ikari," Lorenz Kihl sternly said.

Before Gendo could muster a reply, his desk phone rang, much to the annoyance of both himself and the Committee. Fuming for just a moment, Gendo grabbed the phone off the receiver and answered.

"WHAT?!" he barked. "We're in the middle of deliberations here! What could be SO damn important that it warranted interrupting my meeting?!" He instantly toned it down when he realized it was Fuyutsuki on the other line. "Oh...I see. All right." He then hung up the phone and turned his attention back to the monoliths. "Sorry, gentlemen, but we'll have to continue this at another time. An Angel's currently drawing near."

None of the monoliths said anything at first, until one did say something ominous. "_If_ your seat is still waiting for you, that is."

With that, the light around Gendo faded as he logged out of the call. When it was just down to the monoliths, only Lorenz Kihl's made a sound.

"Tsk tsk," Kihl said to himself. "So transparent, Ikari...do you intend to betray SEELE...?"

**Central Dogma, moments later...**

The air was a bit tense as everyone got to their stations. That tension was broken unexpectedly when Makoto sat down in his chair. As soon as his posterior hit the cushion, the loud sound of a rooster startled him out of it:

**COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOO!**

"GAH!" he yelped as he jumped away from his chair. All eyes turned towards his station as the surprised Makoto slowly, carefully put himself back in his chair, making sure he didn't set the noise off again (despite having no idea where it came from). As soon as he was settled, Maya got into her chair, unaware hers was 'booby-trapped' as well. Right as she sat on it, the sounds of monkeys erupted from her seat:

**Oohoohoohooh-AH-AH-AH-AH!**

"Yeek!" she gasped as she stood quickly back up. Makoto did his best to stifle a snicker as she slowly sat herself back down, breathing a sigh of relief after no more sounds came out. That left Shigeru, who, feeling a bit paranoid, looked over every inch of his chair to make sure it was clean. Satisfied with his 'inspection', he sat down in it, only to set off the sound of a car horn blaring "La Cucaracha".

"$#!+!" he swore as he was startled out of his chair, his initial assumption blown to smithereens. Maya and Makoto couldn't help but chuckle at their colleague now knowing how they felt, while Shigeru grumbled as he got back in his chair.

Up in his perch above the techs, Gendo arrived at his seat and sat down. The moment he compressed the seat, however, resulted in a very...off-color sound:

**BRRRRRRRAAAAPPPPPP!**

Everyone in Central Dogma turned around at the noise and saw it coming from the Commander's perch. Because it was so sudden, nobody had the time to consider holding it in: the whole bridge erupted into a cacophony of laughter, while Gendo groaned as he gave himself an embarrassed face-palm. Even more embarrassing for him was that the feed in the pilots' entry plugs caught the whole thing on video, making them laugh as well. No one knew that Rei had secretly commissioned the making of four chairs identical to the ones used by the bridge bunnies and the Commander and had replaced them the night before. Each was very similar to the source material down to the most minute detail, save for the fact that the bottom cushions of each contained a pressure-activated sound box...except for the Commander's, which had a built-in whoopee cushion. Everyone soon caught their breath, the anxiety and tension present among the staff having vanished for the moment.

"Aheh, aheheh, all EVAs launch," Misato said as she regained her composure. Right beside her, Ritsuko was taking a few breaths to settle down.

Soon, all four EVAs rocketed to the surface and made their way to the intercept point, where the Angel was waiting. Said Angel was certainly the strangest-looking they'd seen yet: it resembled a floating, brightly-glowing ring with a double-helix pattern. It almost looked like an actual angel's halo, the more one would think about it.

"Target hovering over Ohwakudani, continuing to rotate in place," Shigeru reported.

"Target's AT-Field is still active," Makoto added, before something startling got his attention. "Pattern cycling from blue to orange!"

"What's that mean?" Misato asked.

"MAGI indicates it can't find a solution," Maya replied.

"We don't have enough data to come to an answer," Shigeru added.

"One thing's for certain," Ritsuko began to say, "that shape isn't a fixed form."

Misato looked at the monitor grimly. "So we can't make the first move," she said, before addressing the pilots. "Pilots, we're going to wait and watch for a while, so stand by."

"Uh, small problem with that, Major," Toji said warily, "'cause it looks like it's not a fan of waiting!"

At that very moment, Armisael, the Angel of the Womb, began to change.

**_So, these are the toys my brethren fell before?_** it thought to itself as it shifted. **_Feh, it falls to me to do what they could not. I'll show them how to properly start Third Impact-MY way._**

Soon the halo shape that Armisael was in split, as the double-helix formation solidified into a long, almost-serpentine form. One end of it then quickly headed towards its first target: Rei and Unit-00.

"Rei, counter it!" an alarmed Misato ordered.

"No good, she won't make it in time!" Makoto alerted.

His words proved true, as Armisael managed to penetrate Rei's AT-Field. Rei gripped a portion of the Angel in Unit-00's left hand, while using the other to empty her rifle's ammo into the glowing strand. Unfortunately, its AT-Field wouldn't budge. Soon, all witnessed Armisael begin to infect the EVA, as strange veins began to appear in the left forearm.

"Target's in physical contact with Unit-00!" Shigeru reported alarmingly.

"How's its AT-Field?!" Misato asked.

"Operational," Maya reported, "but the Angel's eroding it!"

"No way," Ritsuko said, "is it aggressively trying to make first contact?"

Soon, Rei could start to feel the sensation of the veins as they appeared on her own left forearm.

"Oh, that's just NASTY!" she grimaced. "You're worse than Bardiel, you overgrown glow worm!"

**"Like you're one to talk, Lilith-spawn,"** Armisael said. **"I've observed your kind for some time, and quite frankly, sometimes you make me want to ****_retch_****! By the time I'm finished, you'll be reworked to my particular brand of perfection! Don't fight it-won't you become one with me...?"**

Maya observed the graphs as they began to degenerate. "Not good, it's invading Unit-00's organic parts!" she reported concernedly.

"Units 01, 02 and 03, move in!" Misato ordered. "Get that thing off of Rei!"

"Right!" all three pilots said as they started moving. Each of them grabbed a part of the Angel and tried to yank it off of Unit-00, but it remained stuck in the blue giant.

**"AH, more potential converts,"** Armisael mused. **"Don't worry, plenty of room in here!"** As he said it, the veins began to appear on each EVA.

"The other EVAs are showing signs of infection!" Maya said alarmingly.

"No, not now!" Misato cried.

Meanwhile, in a mental plane, Rei found herself face-to-face with Armisael, who, in an attempt to break her psychologically, mirrored her own form. Rei was not amused.

"The Angel Armisael, I presume?" she asked.

Armisael was slightly taken aback. **"So, you know my name,"** it said in a voice like Rei's. **"I'll ask you again, because I don't recall hearing you answer. Won't you become one with me?"**

Rei wasn't fazed. "Sorry, but I'm me, not you. So, PASS."

Armisael shook its head. **"I see-but it's no use. It's too late now."** It then smiled a wicked-looking smile. **"I'll share what's in my heart with you. I'll share this feeling with you..."**

While it was engaging in a mental duel with Rei, at the same time it was also trying to torment the other pilots enough that they would surrender mentally. The veins had spread further, covering portions of each EVA's torso. Yet as all in Central Dogma noticed, it hadn't gotten that far on Unit-00.

"How is-how is Rei holding it back like that?" Ritsuko wondered. The sight wasn't lost on Gendo, who stared at the monitor with his mouth agape.

Back in the mental plane, Armisael was going right for Rei's 'jugular', trying to reach out to her very soul. Unfortunately, as soon as it got close to the chest of Rei's mental 'avatar' it abruptly hit a wall-a black-and-white brick wall, to be exact.

**"Wha-what is this?!"** a stunned Armisael wondered as it staggered backwards.

Rei smiled at the Angel's disconcerted reaction as she folded her arms while waving a disapproving finger. "Yeah, you trying to exploit my 'loneliness'? Don't think so. 'Cause the truth is, bright-bait, I didn't come to this fight alone. Isn't that right, partner?"

The minute she said that, a pair of wild, crazy-looking yellow eyes and a big toothy grin emerged on the brick wall. "Howdy there, Armie, SO NICE to meetcha," Beetlejuice sarcastically greeted. "Let's _wrestle_!"

Suddenly, a wrestling ring appeared in the middle of the mental plane, while "Real American" by Rick Derringer started playing in the background. Armisael stood dumbfounded in one corner, while Rei and the wall were in the other. The wall then shifted into Beetlejuice, who then started to change again. He grew taller and more muscular, while his clothes changed into a pair of trunks, athletic shoes, wristbands, and a headband. A prominent handlebar mustache grew underneath his nose. An awestruck Armisael didn't know enough of human culture to recognize the form resembling pro wrestler Hulk Hogan, who sneered at the unnerved Angel of the Womb.

"Lemme tell ya somethin', skinny," BeetleHulk started to bark, "at a time like this, when you find out you're fightin' in the wrong weight class and the odds just got stacked against ya, you just gotta ask yerself ONE question, brother: WATCHA GONNA DO, when Beetlemania, runs wild, on YOU?!" Rei rang the bell, and BeetleHulk then pushed back on the ropes, which he then used to launch himself into the air. He soon body-slammed the surprised Armisael's mental avatar, knocking the Angel right out of Rei's mindscape, and causing it to retreat from those of the other pilots, much to their astonishment. Out in the real world, the veins retreated from the infected mechs rapidly as Armisael was knocked backwards and away from the EVAs.

"Whoa, look at that!" Shigeru marveled.

"The AT-Fields of all the EVAs-they're regenerating!" Maya cheered.

Misato and Ritsuko watched what was happening with awe.

"I can't believe it," Ritsuko said with stunned surprise. "How did Rei even do that?"

"I don't know," Misato said as a small smile began to appear on her face, "and right now, I don't care."

"Major!" Makoto shouted, "Pattern tie-dye detected-it's coming from Unit-00!"

"WHAT?!" exclaimed nearly everyone on the bridge.

Armisael was seeing stars as it floated, dazed by the impact it received from the mental plane. After shaking its 'head', a pair of angry eyes emerged from the tip that faced Unit-00.

**"I will NOT be denied, heathen!"** Armisael shouted, **"You WILL become one with me, even if I must force it!"**

It then snaked its way quickly towards Unit-00's torso again, but seconds before it reached even the surface, one of Beetlejuice's eyes took the place of Unit-00's lone red one. The restraints on Unit-00's mouth broke as it turned upwards in a king-sized toothy grin. Unit-00 then grabbed Armisael by the neck before it got within an inch of the torso.

**"WHOA there, slinky-dink,"** Beetlejuice chided, **"buy me dinner first, why dontcha?"** Beetle-00 then brought Armisael, eyes now looking very worried, up to its face. **"Looks like things ain't goin' the way ya wanted, eh? Well, get ready, 'cause it's about to get a WHOLE lot worse. Heheheheheheheh..."**

Beetle-00 then proceeded to stretch Armisael every which way but up like rubber, and then pinched the Angel's 'lips' together. Beetle-00 then took a big breath, and then did something that shocked not only the Angel, but the other pilots and the staff on the bridge: it blew into Armisael, causing the Angel to inflate like a skinny, glowing balloon. Beetle-00 then stretched the Angel's 'lips' and tied them in a knot to keep the air in. Armisael had a very frightening idea of what was happening, since this very scenario was its worse nightmare.

_**NO...NO, HE WOULDN'T...!**_ Armisael thought to itself fearfully. But it was too late.

Beetle-00 then turned and faced its 'audience' of EVAs, and via their feeds, Central Dogma. **"WHO LIKES BALLOON ANIMALS?!"** he asked loudly and with wicked glee as carnival-esque music could soon be heard. Then, before the astonished eyes of every human watching, the possessed EVA twisted and shaped the now-pliable Angel into a four-legged creature with a long neck.

"Oh, man," Shigeru noted, "It's like my fifth birthday party all over again..."

**"We have...a giraffe!"** Beetle-00 said, showing off the twisted Armisael, who was looking pretty uncomfortable right now.

_**This is so demeaning...**_Armisael thought to itself as Beetle-00 twisted and shaped it again at a ludicrous speed. _**AND nauseating...**_

**"Now we've got...a pretty butterfly!"** Beetle-00 said as it showed off the Angelic balloon animal with a big wingspan. The human spectators were awestruck.

"Did you...know that an Evangelion could do that?" Misato asked.

"No..." Ritsuko answered. "...Not till now, at least."

**"And now, my FAVORITE!"** Beetle-00 said as it twisted and shaped Armisael a third time, at a speed so fast human eyes couldn't keep up. After about a few seconds, he held up his handiwork, resembling a four-legged creature with a fluffy upper body, head, and tail. **"A French poodle!"** Armisael, by the way its eyes looked, felt humiliated. Unfortunately for it, Beetle-00 wasn't done JUST yet.

**"Sorry folks, looks like we got a mad dog here. 'Fraid I'll have to put 'em down!"** Beetle-00 said as it took out an object from behind its back. The eyes of both Armisael and the humans went wide when they saw what it was: a gigantic safety pin.

"No way," Shinji marveled.

"That means he's gonna-" Asuka started to say.

**"No no no no no NOOOOO!"** Armisael managed to get out before Beetle-00 poked it with the pin. The result was as expected, as the punctured Armisael started flying all over the placed as it deflated.

**"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"** the Angel screamed as it went zooming out of control, air whooshing out of it. Finally, it landed in a deflated heap in a bare field a short distance away from the initial battle site. Beetle-00 walked over to where Armisael landed as control was handed back to Rei, made apparent when the eye of the blue EVA returned to its normal state.

**"You...you've had your fun,"** Armisael gasped defiantly. **"This indignity may be a mere setback, but you still haven't gotten to my core! I'm still in this!"**

"Yeah, I wondered about how to deal with getting at your core," Rei started to say, a knowing smile on her face, "but then I had a brainstorm and came up with a REAL fun way to do it." The smile of hers then became a full-on smirk. "It's showtime!" she whispered.

"*AHEM*" Beetlejuice cleared his throat, as if he were correcting her.

"Oh, right," Rei said as she slipped on a pair of gold-rimmed Aviator sunglasses. "It's Hammertime!"

Beetlejuice smiled as he snapped his fingers. For a moment, Unit-00 was covered entirely in a puff of purple smoke, surprising everyone else. When the smoke cleared, their jaws did a collective drop at what stood before them. On its upper body, Unit-00 was now wearing a golden yellow jacket with a black and gold-flecked left sleeve. On its lower body, Unit-00 now wore a pair of black and gold-flecked Hammer pants. On its head was a lone, gold-rimmed Aviator sunglass lens, and a gold chain hung around its neck. Rei then hit a button in the entry plug, causing speakers to emerge from her Unit's shoulder pylons, which soon blasted out a certain song. From there, Rei manipulated Unit-00 to do something that further shocked all who witnessed it:

Unit-00 was now dancing all over Armisael.

_(Oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)_ _**U can't touch this**_

_(Oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)_ **_U can't touch this_**

_(Oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)_ _**U can't touch this**_

_(Oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)_ _**Break it down!**_

_(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)_

**"OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!"** Armisael yelped out while Unit-00 musically trampled it.

_(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)_

**_Stop! Hammer time!_**

_**Every time you see me, that Hammer's just so hype.**_

_**I'm dope on the floor, and I'm magic on the mic.**_

_**Now why would I ever stop doing this,**_

_**With others makin' records that just don't hit.**_

Fuyutsuki, back on the bridge, noticed that an exasperated Gendo was now banging his head on the desk.

_**I've toured around the world, from London to the Bay.**_

_**It's Hammer, go Hammer, M.C. Hammer, yo Hammer,**_

_**and the rest can go and play-**_

_**U can't touch this**_ _(oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh)_

_**U can't touch this**_ _(oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh)_

Rei's dance steps eventually hit paydirt, as everyone could hear a loud CRACK!

_**U can't touch this**_ _(oh-oh oh-oh-oh)_

**_Yeah, u can't touch this_**

_**I told you, u can't touch this**_ _(oh-oh oh-oh-oh)_

**"Bugger...clever girl..."** Armisael said as it started glowing brighter.

_**Too hype can't touch this**_

_**Yeah, we outta here-u can't touch this**_

_(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)_

Rei jumped off of Armisael as the Angel exploded. Unit-00 then stood back up in a hip-hop-type pose as a final **_U can't touch this_** blared from its speakers.

Surprisingly, most of the techs on the bridge applauded and cheered at the EVA's 'performance'. Rei had Unit-00 take a bow as another puff of purple smoke enveloped it, before dissipating to reveal the outfit it'd been wearing was gone.

"_Dayum_, that girl's got moves," Toji said, bewildered.

"How long has she been holding out on us?" Asuka wondered.

Back in Central Dogma, Misato was issuing the orders to stand down.

"All pilots, mission accomplished," she said, beaming as she turned her attention to the bridge crew. "Call off the alert."

"Roger that," Makoto replied, "switching immediately to Condition Green."

"All EVAs are now returning to base," Maya added.

**A meeting of the SEELE council, a short time after the battle's end...**

"*SIGH* This was not the way I wanted that particular battle to go..." Kihl said resignedly. "Still, sixteen Angels have been defeated, whether they were killed outright or otherwise. Our journey has been long, and the sacrifices have been great. And yet, our efforts to follow the Dead Sea Scrolls to the letter have been seriously hampered by all the x-factors that have emerged of late. We need someone who knows the truth."

"Indeed," said SEELE-04, "first ghosts and other supernatural freaks invade NERV-Central, and then cause trouble at the other branches; then Angels 11, 12, and 14 flee in terror for reasons we still cannot determine; then the Lance of Longinus goes missing! It's abominable!"

"We have more than enough reasons to relieve Ikari of his command," SEELE-07 mentioned, "his fraying mental state among them. And don't tell me you all haven't been seeing it, he can posture all he likes-the man's going cuckoo!"

"Yet with a mind like his," SEELE-02 began to say, "he's still smart enough to know the significance of our abduction of Fuyutsuki. Granted, we allowed him to return safely, but only so we could eliminate a different obstacle! Instead, said obstacle escapes unscathed, and our assassin is now residing in a padded room!"

"We need another human sacrifice to counter Ikari," SEELE-05 suggested.

"Unfortunately, none on Ikari's staff will fit," SEELE-10 countered. "For some reason, everyone in NERV-Central seems to be...happier than our scenario called for. When they aren't being terrified out of their wits by whatever phantasms decide to make their presence known, they actually seem more satisfied with their lives. Even the pilots are in better spirits. That runs counter to our plans greatly!"

A pregnant pause emerged among the gathered holographic monoliths. Then Kihl spoke up.

"It's apparent then," he started to say, "that the annihilation of Tokyo-3 must be the material upon which to advance our plans. We must hurry to their completion."

"Five Evangelions are already being prepared," SEELE-03 said.

"Which leaves four more," SEELE-12 added.

"That will be our promised day," Kihl vowed.

**NERV HQ, afternoon...**

The pilots had gotten out of their EVAs, showered off, and changed back into their civvies. While Toji headed home, Shinji, Asuka and Rei were called aside by Misato, Ritsuko and Kaji. Today was the day they were going to see it all: Terminal Dogma, and the secrets within. Maya and Makoto stayed topside in order to run interference, making sure no one else knew of their visit. The six soon filed into the elevator, and began their descent into the deepest levels below Central Dogma. Ritsuko noticed something as her ears tuned in to an odd song playing out of the elevator's speakers. She then realized what it was: a muzak version of the "Imperial March".

"Um, why is-?" she started to ask.

"Had the boys in maintenance install it," Rei replied. "Felt it added to the ominous ambiance for this part of HQ."

Everyone just stared at her, for some reason not surprised that she was responsible. Soon, they reached their first stop on this leg of the 'tour': Annex No. 3 of the original Artificial Evolution Laboratory. The lights came on, revealing the room to all gathered inside. It looked like it'd seen better days...MUCH better days. Something resembling a hospital bed sat in the center, with a pile of old boxes behind the headboard. To the side facing a back wall was a table with old pill bottles and a beaker on top, along with some unopened tablets. Next to that was an old console, flanked by a hanging surgical curtain.

Except for Rei and Ritsuko, all were shocked and appalled by the conditions.

"It...it looks like Rei's old room," Shinji noted with dread.

"It's because..." Ritsuko solemnly said as she took a breath, knowing it was going to be hard to explain, "it WAS her old room. This was where she was born and raised."

That caused the rest of the group to become disconcerted.

"This...this DUMP..." wondered Asuka as she looked to Rei.

"Is where she was born," Ritsuko clarified as she also turned to Rei. "Your subconscious must have a strong impression of this place, since you've come into your own."

"Oh yeah," Rei replied. "Am I glad I traded up."

The group then returned to the elevator and continued down, reaching another level. When they entered it, they saw a cross-shaped chasm open before them, with multiple round pits in each square surrounding it. Within the chasm and the pits, the group noticed piles of bones. Bones too large to belong to any known animal. Eventually, it hit them.

"EVAs?!" Shinji wondered, horrified.

"There must be..._gott_, there's so many..." Asuka added.

"Are these...?" Kaji began to ask.

"Yes," Ritsuko immediately replied. "The very first ones. The failures. They were scrapped ten years ago."

"Then this is...a graveyard?" Misato asked hesitantly.

"In a sense," Ritsuko replied somberly, as she looked to Shinji. "This is also the place where your mother was absorbed into Unit-01. Where you witnessed it..." Shinji swallowed at hearing that, while Asuka took his hand to comfort him. At that moment, the group heard a sound-the sound of bones rattling. Suddenly, one of the EVA skeletons reassembled itself, frightening all but Rei and Ritsuko; the reach of the ghosts running amok in Central Dogma definitely had extended down to Terminal Dogma too.

"YAAH!" Shinji and Asuka cried as they held each other tight, while Kaji and Misato on instinct drew and pointed their guns.

Ritsuko, on the other hand, simply face-palmed. "Oh, for crying out loud...!" she groaned.

The hunched-over EVA skeleton then hissed menacingly as it looked at the assemblage below it. Then, as music started to play, it stood straight up, grabbed a top hat and a cane, and then got into a certain song-and-dance routine:

**_Hello my baby!_**

**_Hello my honey!_**

**_Hello my ragtime gal!_**

Except for Rei, everyone's eyes went wide with surprise at this development.

_**Send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire!**_

_**If you refuse me,**_

_**Honey, you lose me,**_

_**then you'll be left alone**_

_**Oh, baby telephone, and tell me I'm your ooooowwwnnn!**_

The skeleton then collapsed back into a pile of bones the moment the music finished.

A pregnant pause emerged, until Ritsuko then cleared her throat.

"*AHEM* Moving right along..." she said as she guided them back to the elevator.

The final stop for the elevator took them to the laboratory next to the Chamber of Gauf. Ritsuko brought them to a lone cylinder in the center of the room, filled with LCL. It was connected to a large apparatus hanging from the ceiling above, which disturbingly resembled a human brain.

"*UGH*" Asuka grimaced, "looks like something from a bad cyberpunk movie."

"This is..." Misato began to wonder.

"The source of the no-longer-used dummy plugs," Rei finished her thought.

"More than just that," Ritsuko said, as she took a remote and activated a sequence. Soon, lights came on that illuminated a larger tank of LCL that encircled the room, with a strange, orange-yellow glow. But it was within the tank itself that really mortified everyone but Rei and Ritsuko: floating in the LCL were Reis. LOTS of them. It was a truly disturbing sight.

"Rei..." Shinji wondered.

"They're all Rei..." Asuka said, just as unsettled.

"You're not saying that the dummy plugs were..." Kaji started to ask.

"That's right," Ritsuko explained, "the part that becomes the core of the dummy system. And this was the manufacturing plant for it. But it hasn't been used ever since the disc containing all the data went missing during the battle with the 13th Angel."

"So that means these...girls are just..." Misato started to say.

"'Dummies'," Ritsuko finished. "And nothing more than 'parts' for Rei." Ritsuko closed her eyes as she continued. "Man found God, and in their joy, tried to make Him theirs. That's why there was divine retribution. That was fifteen years ago. The God they found had also disappeared by then. Then they tried to resurrect God on their own: the result was Adam. And in imitating God, they created people from Adam. The result was the EVAs."

Shinji and Asuka looked at her. "We learned this from your mother," Shinji said. "How the EVAs are more like cyborgs than robots."

"Yes, but they're not entirely human either," Ritsuko elaborated. "The EVAs don't intrinsically have souls, yet Unit-01 and Unit-02 have human souls embedded in them. The only vessel that contained a soul was Rei, the only one born without a soul. The Chamber of Gauf was empty, you see. These things here that look like Rei have no souls-they're just vessels."

"How...how were they made?" Asuka asked.

"They were genetically engineered," Ritsuko replied. "It began in the wake of the contact experiment that took Yui Ikari. The Commander undertook a 'salvage operation' that was attempting to recreate her body and return her soul to it. Unfortunately for him, it failed; what happened instead was the creation of a clone, with half of its genetics, and a portion of its soul, coming from Lilith, the Second Angel. The other half of its..._her_ genetic makeup, came from Yui Ikari."

Shinji and Asuka stared, wide-eyed, at Ritsuko. "Then...then that means..." Shinji started to realize.

**"YES,"** Rei said in a vocoder'd voice that caused all to look her way, where they were startled by the Darth Vader mask she now wore. "**Shinji,** _**I**_ **am your sister.** ***KHOOOOH PUUUHRR***"

Everyone just stared at the masked Rei dumbfounded. Rei in turn took off the mask.

"Sorry, just wanted to lighten the mood," she said. "But yeah, we're siblings, Shinji! Well, technically half-siblings, but tomato-tomahto...C'mere, big brother!" She then proceeded to give the still-surprised Shinji a hug. Shinji, at Asuka's facial urging, returned it. "Although it now makes the time you accidentally fell on top of me _just_ a bit more awkward," she added while wryly rolling her eyes. Shinji blushed heavily as soon as he remembered that day. "Let's be glad you and Asuka managed to get together-if the two of us went any further, THEN we'd know how Luke and Leia felt."

"Luke and Leia?" Shinji and Asuka both wondered aloud. Their eyes went wide as soon as they realized what Rei insinuated. "EEEEEWWWW!" they both cringed. Misato and Kaji both tugged on their own collars at the thought as well.

"But there's more to my story than just that," Rei continued, with a tone more subdued than before. "I'm actually the second Rei."

"Second?!" Asuka asked.

"Then...what happened to the first...?" Shinji asked in turn.

"Do you remember Naoko telling us about how the Commander manipulated her?" Rei posed. "How she was goaded into killing a pawn he sent to her?"

Both pilots' faces fell as soon as they started putting it together. "You can't mean-" Shinji started to say.

"That pawn was me," Rei said somberly. "The first me. She...I was a little kid at the time. For as long as I can remember, I was molded and raised as the Commander's tool, his puppet. He wanted a pilot who'd be totally obedient to him; one who'd very well die for his cause. All those times you called me a doll, Asuka? In a way, there's some truth to that. In my first...incarnation, he raised me like a normal little girl...until he used me to send Naoko Akagi to her death. My own 'death' was short-lived; moments after Naoko met her end, the Commander had my body put in Unit-00's entry plug. Using a complex process, they ripped out a part of my soul and placed it within Unit-00's core. Once done, my body was removed and discarded. In this very lab, he 'uploaded' the rest of my soul into a new body. Just like that."

"Then...what part of you's in Unit-00?" Shinji asked.

"...My emotions," Rei replied. This shocked everyone further; as she progressed, she was starting to sound like her old self. "My fear and despair were predominant. It's why for the longest time I had such difficulty syncing with it. Why it lashed out on those two occasions a while back." She then turned to look at the apparatus. "Each time I was brought in to be tested, I'd have my memories copied and uploaded into that apparatus. The soul transfer isn't without flaws-my memories become muddled with each transfer, hence the need for 'backups'. To date, this has only been done once, when my first self perished." She then looked back at the others. "That was my life...until Shinji arrived in Tokyo-3." A small smile started to appear on her face. "The more we interacted, the more you helped bring me out of my shell. It was incremental at best, but it still helped. I probably would've still been in this emotional limbo, until things radically changed one night..."

"What happened?" Ritsuko asked curiously.

"It was a short time after we'd destroyed the 10th Angel," Rei explained. "I was in my apartment when I was visited by two ghosts. One was Naoko Akagi...and the other was the man she'd hired while on the other side. What she hired him for was simple: ruin Gendo Ikari's life, by scaring him out of his mind. The fact that both his and SEELE's scenarios would get thwarted in the process was a nice bonus. They appeared to me because the man needed someone to cause some low-level mayhem around the base, just to keep rattling the Commander's cage further and further. To do that, they needed a third partner..."

It didn't take long for Misato and Asuka to figure out who she'd been referring to, as their eyes lit up with realization.

"YOU?!" they both guessed.

"Give 'em a prize," Rei replied. "The man, who for now wishes to remain anonymous, went inside my head and turned on something long ignored: my sense of humor. Though I think he might've cranked it slightly up to eleven." She giggled after saying that. "Which is why I'm my warm, lovable self you see here."

"So you're the one who switched the coffee with kombucha the day the 11th Angel struck!" Misato stated.

"Mmm-hmm," Rei affirmed.

"And lemme guess, you swapped out the chairs on the bridge?" Asuka asked.

"Definitely," Rei replied.

"And you must be the reason why the Commander's head is..._shinier_ these days," Ritsuko added.

"Indubitably, among other things," Rei confirmed in a faux-British accent.

Shinji, at that moment, let out a bit of laughter. Now he definitely was glad NERV became haunted. He soon took a moment to catch his breath, and then turned to look at the clones again.

"So, with the dummy system gone, what'll become of...well...them?" he asked.

Ritsuko looked at the remote in her hands before she answered him. "I'd intended to destroy them when I came down here. Just to throw another wrench into the Commander's plans. Other than that, they're empty, not truly alive. They wouldn't last out in the world."

Just as she began to cycle through an activation sequence on her remote, Rei took hold of her wrist.

"Yeeeah, we're not gonna do that," she said.

"What? But why?" Ritsuko asked.

"Me, your mom and our partner came up with a better solution," she explained. "We'll tell you about it in due time. For now though, let's just get out of here. I don't know about you, but I think too much time in the 'mummy's tomb' is unhealthy. Tell ya what, Doc-tomorrow, you come back down here and check the tank again. Then check the machinery to see that the sequence hasn't been activated. You'll know then that we've been here."

Deciding to trust the blue-haired pilot, Ritsuko pocketed the remote, and the group then headed back to the elevator to make their return to the surface. They had a new thing to focus on now: the arrival of the 17th and final Angel.

**The study of Lorenz Kihl, Germany...**

Lorenz Kihl was speaking with an operative he'd had waiting in the wings for some time.

"It falls to you to carry out your directive," he emphasized to the other person. "You know what must be done, and how to go about it. Do not be deterred by the strange occurrences at your destination, it's merely window dressing. Above all, failure will not be tolerated. Do you understand?"

Across from his desk, an unnaturally pale, ashen-haired, red-eyed teenage boy smiled at the old cyborg.

"Of course, sir," Kaworu Nagisa replied. "I look forward to fulfilling my destiny."

**END Chapter 14.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
A bit light on Burton nods this time, but I left a few breadcrumbs from some other things to keep you guessing. Anyone up to the challenge?**

**Rei's defeat of Armisael was one I was definitely looking forward to writing. Originally it was just the possessed Unit-00 turning Armisael into a balloon animal, but the rest of it suddenly came to me one day, so I made a note of it for later. Well, it's now later...**

**On the artistic side of things, over on DeviantArt I put up a 'mockup' of the Hammer-fied Unit-00 for all to see. Just type in the search bar 'NERV Gets Juiced: U Can(not) Touch This'. I also have a mockup of the Dolemite-ed Jet Alone as well.**


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 - Kaworu Nagisa and the Scaredy-Cat Polka, Part 1**

"Sooooo..." Beetlejuice began to say, "one'a my snitches planted in Lorenz Kihl's home just told me who the 17th Angel is."

Naoko was a bit suprised by one particular part of what he just said. "_Who?_ Not _what?_" she asked.

"Yep," Beetlejuice answered. "On th' pretense of a 'selection' by th' 'Marduk Institute', the Seventh Child's gonna be designated and sent ta Tokyo-3 ta act as a backup to th' other pilots." He then looked to Rei. "Apparently, he kinda looks like ya, kid, 'cept he's a dude. Ashy hair, deathly shade o' pale, bright red eyes..."

"Sounds like someone from a _Twilight_-themed K-pop boyband," Rei said in an amused tone. "I'm guessing he's a Nephilim, too?"

"Youbetcha sweet bippy he is," Beetlejuice replied. "Only difference is he supposedly holds the soul of Adam."

Naoko started putting the pieces together. "So, if he managed to get down into Terminal Dogma successfully..."

"He'd be in fer a whole lotta disappointment," Beetlejuice finished.

Rei chuckled. "Still, we ought to give him something of a warm welcome," she said, "and I have a pretty good idea how..." She then got Beetlejuice and Naoko into a huddle as she explained her plan...

**NERV HQ, the next day...**

The pilots were called in to take care of something that hadn't been done for a while: a cross-sync test, where they'd each try syncing with the other's EVAs. Yui and Kyoko, listening in from the cores of Unit-01 and 02, knew what to expect, and silently promised to behave with whoever tested within their respective entry plugs. Surprising the staff, no one but Rei could get Unit-00 to work. Toji appeared to be well-received within 01 and 02 (since the mothers within the cores knew he was a good friend of their kids). When Shinji and Asuka tested within each other's plugs, it gave them a chance to know the other's mother a bit more. Kyoko, in fact, seemed to take a shine to Shinji. Then came Rei's turn, where for the second time in her piloting career she found herself within Unit-01's plug. The only difference was she'd changed-a LOT-since then. As the links were established, Rei concentrated as she secretly sent a cheery greeting to Yui:

"Hi, mom!"

That greatly surprised Yui, enough that the technicians could've sworn that they saw Unit-01's eyes light up as if it'd been startled.

"M-mom?!" Yui asked the First Child. "But how are you-? How can I be your mother?"

"Well, sometimes when an Angel and a woman love each other very much...just kidding, just kidding," Rei jokingly explained. "When Gendo tried to get you out of the core, it didn't work out as he intended. Half of you got mixed with a bit of Lilith, and presto, he got me."

Yui, if she had a physical body, would've been scratching her head in confusion right now. "Okay, I did NOT see this coming..."

"Don't feel so bad," Rei reassured her. "I can explain."

Explain she did, giving Yui the Cliff Notes version of what she'd told everyone in Terminal Dogma yesterday. It was quite something for Yui to take in: on the one hand, it just proved how much of the man she'd married had gone by the wayside in the wake of her absorption, which made her furious; on the other hand, she now had a daughter in addition to a son, and one who seemed to definitely take after her in terms of her sense of humor (by a heightened degree, it appeared), which actually delighted her.

"If I ever somehow get out of this core," Yui vowed to Rei, "I definitely want to get to know both you and Shinji better."

"Don't worry," Rei said in return, "me, Naoko and our...associate are already working on that. Just sit tight and keep Shinji safe, he's the only brother I've got."

"I will," said a smiling Yui as the link began to fade, signaling to Rei that the test had finished. Once she was out, Ritsuko approached her and asked her to meet her in the infirmary under the pretense of a post-test checkup. After Rei showered off and got dressed, she headed there, and after making sure that the room wasn't bugged, she and Ritsuko went through the motions of her usual checkup routine while they talked.

"So, I did go down into the lab earlier today," she explained. "When I turned on the lights in the tank, sure enough you weren't joking-every single one of your clones was gone, and the logs indicated that the dissolution sequence hadn't been activated. So if the clones weren't destroyed, where are they, and how the hell did you and your 'partner' get them out?"

"Well, I can't exactly tell you where they've gone," Rei replied, "but I can tell you that we got them out the same way we made the Lance of Longinus disappear."

Ritsuko stared at Rei for a minute before speaking. "...Supernaturally, I'm guessing?"

"Mmm-hmm," Rei nodded. "We've got something in mind for the Lance, but that'll come at a later date."

"All right," Ritsuko said, "now for my other big question. No one but you seems to sync with Unit-00 well, and even before all this started, you said it yourself that you had difficulty syncing with it. What changed?"

"THAT I can answer," Rei replied. "The next time I synced with Unit-00, which was after the 11th Angel incident, I concentrated hard enough that I was able to reunite with my missing emotions. I've been 'whole' ever since."

Ritsuko's eyes widened at that revelation. "Then how-_how_ have you been piloting Unit-00 since then?!"

"Ah, that's a bit simpler," Rei started to explain. "With a little coaching from the 'partner', I started tapping into my Angelic abilities. One of which allows me to manipulate Angelic material. So basically, Unit-00's been acting like an actual exo-suit since the 12th Angel."

Ritsuko stood there, dumbstruck, before finally letting out a laugh. "Hoo boy, you actually managed to give us what Jet Alone couldn't! That's hilarious!"

Rei joined in on the laugh, and soon the two of them finished chat and left the infirmary.

"So what're you going to do now?" Rei asked her.

Ritsuko gave it some thought for a moment. "I think it's time I formally broke things off with the Commander. He's so swamped with other...concerns that I doubt he'll have the energy to retaliate against me."

"Good luck," Rei said as she headed in the opposite direction.

Ritsuko soon made her way to Gendo's office, where she'd been expected. Gendo had found out about the disappearance of the clones and was at his wit's end. He tried grilling Ritsuko to see if she'd had any involvement in that, to which she'd denied. Fuming to himself quietly, Gendo knew that she was right-he'd checked the logs beforehand, Ritsuko hadn't been anywhere near Terminal Dogma at the time of the clones' vanishing act. After much discussion over how the Committee was breathing down his neck even closer, Ritsuko finally got her word in and gave it to Gendo straight: she was breaking up with him.

"...I don't understand. What happened?" Gendo asked, his trademark pose doing little to belie his clueless assessment of the situation. "Something must have happened."

"It's not you, it's me," Ritsuko said in turn.

This made Gendo raise an eyebrow. "You're giving me the 'it's not you, it's me' routine?" he wondered, frustration dripping with each word. "I INVENTED 'it's not you, it's me'. _Nobody_ tells me it's them, not me; if it's anybody, it's ME."

"All right, Commander, it's you," Ritsuko 'conceded'.

"You're DAMN RIGHT it's me," Gendo barked.

"I was only trying to-" Ritsuko started to say.

"I KNOW what you were trying to do," Gendo interrupted, "NOBODY does it better than me."

"I'm sure you do it very well," Ritsuko said, 'brown-nosing' him.

"Yes, well, unfortunately, you'll never get the chance to find out," Gendo said. "You're dismissed."

"Thank you, Commander. Good day," Ritsuko said as she turned and exited the office. At that very moment, Gendo got a confused look on his face, as if figuring that what he'd just said a minute ago just didn't sound right. On the other side of the door, as she walked away, Ritsuko smiled in satisfaction at having played Gendo like a fiddle.

_Thank you, 'Seinfeldian' reverse-psychology,_ she thought amusingly to herself as she headed back to the bridge.

**Lake's edge near the city, late afternoon...**

Shinji and Asuka were out for a stroll amid a beautiful sunset when they decided to step onto the sand and get a good view of it.

"Best view of the day, in my humble opinion," Shinji mused as they looked out towards the water, the sunlight reflecting off it.

"I'd agree, if it weren't for the wreckage on the shore," Asuka said as she held his arm. "Lousy eyesores..."

The two of them were silent for a time, until Shinji posed a question.

"You ever thought about what you'd want to do when it's all over?" he asked.

"Whaddya mean?" Asuka asked in turn.

"I mean, when the fighting's done. No Angels left and all that," Shinji clarified.

Asuka looked up for a moment before she turned to answer him. "...Can I be honest?" Shinji nodded 'yes'. "I...haven't really thought about it." She looked out towards the water as she continued. "Up till now, piloting EVA's been most of my life. I didn't think there'd be anything else. That I could just put that off for later." Her gaze shifted downwards. "Now I'm wondering if I'll find any direction after this. I've got a degree, but still..."

Shinji smiled at her as he spoke up. "You know something?" he asked. "I've been feeling the same way. Once this is all finished...maybe we can try figuring it out together."

Asuka looked back up at him, returning his smile. "...I'd be down for that," she replied.

At that moment, the two of them heard a sound from nearby. It was someone humming, and not just any particular song. Their trained musician's ears recognized it immediately: "Ode to Joy", Beethoven's 9th Symphony. They turned in the direction of the humming and spied a boy about their age, sitting wistfully on a large piece of debris in the water. He had hair colored an almost ashen gray, wore a school uniform like Shinji's, and his skin was unnaturally pale. Almost like Rei's...This was made even more apparent when he turned to them and opened his eyes, revealing them to be red. The two pilots were hesitant at first before speaking to him.

"Ummm..." Shinji muttered.

"Uh...what're you doing?" Asuka asked bluntly.

"Hmm? Just singing, nothing really," the boy replied. "Singing is great. Singing enriches the soul. It's the crowning achievement of the civilization that the Lilim created."

Both pilots just stared at him, perplexed.

"What kind of philosophy book did you pull that out of?" Asuka asked.

"None in particular," he said. "Just something I've always thought. Always felt. Don't you feel the same...Shinji Ikari?"

Now the two pilots were even more confused.

"How-how do you know my name?" Shinji asked.

"Everyone knows your name," the boy said. "Yours as well, Asuka Langley Sohryu. Compared to her, and I don't mean to be rude, I think you should be a little more aware of your position."

"Heh, wouldn't believe how many times I've tried telling him that," Asuka said as she elbowed Shinji lightly. "So, who are you, anyway?"

"My apologies, I did not even introduce myself," the boy said. "I'm Kaworu, Kaworu Nagisa. One of the children that is part of the design, just like you two. I'm the Seventh Child."

"SEVENTH Child?" Shinji wondered.

"Really?" Asuka added. "So the Marduk Institute sent us a backup for the final Angel."

The smile never left Kaworu's face as he answered. "You can just call me Kaworu. If I can call you Shinji and Asuka, that is."

The two pilots looked at each other before turning back to the newcomer. "Uh, sure, Kaworu," Shinji said. "We'll probably see you at school then."

"Y-yeah," Asuka said, "We gotta go now, but catch ya later!" With that she dragged Shinji by the arm hurriedly away. Kaworu stared after them as they got farther and farther in the distance.

"Hmm..." Kaworu mused to himself. "The Third and Second Children seem quite different from what I was given. Interesting..."

The two pilots, long out of earshot of the newcomer, slowed down a bit as they headed home.

"Why'd you drag me away like that?" Shinji asked.

"C'mon, baka, didn't something seem off about that guy?" Asuka asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Hellooo, think about it," Asuka elaborated. "A kid claiming to be the Seventh Child just HAPPENS to show up one day, when the 17th Angel's going to be on our doorstep at some point in the near future. A kid who HAPPENS to be the same eerie shade of pale as your sister (*still wrapping my head around that one*), WITH ruby-red eyes no less."

Shinji scratched his head for a second before Asuka's words started making sense. "Wait, you don't think...?"

"I DO think," Asuka said.

They were silent for a moment before Shinji spoke again.

"Let's not jump to conclusions just yet," he said. "For all we know, he could be just a regular albino kid with little social skills."

Asuka's eyebrow rose for a moment before she gave way to a sigh. "One of these days, sweet baka of mine, your naivete'll get you killed," she said as she shook her head.

**NERV HQ, the next day...**

Misato, Ritsuko, Maya and Makoto were in the Major's Alpine Renault, having carpooled to work today, and were being lowered on the conveyor down into the Geofront. They were also speaking covertly, knowing the noise of the conveyor would make it impossible for any bugs in the car to pick up any audio.

"So what's the story?" Misato asked.

"The Seventh Child's arrived," Makoto reported. "Name's Kaworu Nagisa."

"From what I've managed to dig up on the digital trail," Maya added, "all his past records have been erased."

"Just like Rei's..." noted Ritsuko.

"One thing we do know is that his 'birthday' coincides with Second Impact's date," Makoto further elaborated.

"That, and the Committee sent him directly to us," Maya said. "Tell me that doesn't sound suspicious."

"I've read the Marduk report," Ritsuko stated. "The matter of the Seventh Child's also been designated confidential. Kaji forwarded something to me from one of his colleagues in the intelligence field, though, so we might be able to glean something."

"And if it doesn't pan out?" Misato asked.

"Then we'll leave it to Rei and whatever it is she and her partner have planned," Ritsuko answered. "Still begs the question of how we should go about the sync test though."

Misato already had an idea in mind. "Let's hold off on the trick questions for now, and get a straight reading on what he's capable of."

Some time later, Shinji, Asuka, and Toji were walking with Kaworu into HQ for his testing. Rei had already left school beforehand, to get to HQ early. Despite being the new kid in town, Kaworu proved to be a chick-magnet almost immediately, with nearly all the girls fawning over him. Rei, for the most part, laughed internally, hinting to the others that the girls would be disappointed if they knew that they weren't exactly Kaworu's 'type'. The whole time they were in class, Kaworu stole glances at Shinji, making the Third Child slightly nervous and making Asuka use all her willpower to not act upon her more...jealous impulses. As the day went on, it became apparent that while he was warm and friendly, he hadn't been brought up to speed on the concept of personal space. He also strangely tended to speak in more universal, rather than personal terms. The fact that he also referred to regular people as 'Lilim' probably set off a couple of red flags in Asuka's mind. Still, for Shinji's sake, she stayed on her best behavior, even as the new kid became more and more friendly with Shinji. Maybe _too_ friendly.

As soon as the four reached the middle of the lobby, they found Rei waiting for them. Kaworu took immediate notice of her.

"You're the First Child, aren't you?" Kaworu wondered. "Rei Ayanami..."

"That's my name, don't wear it out," Rei replied, a knowing grin on her face.

Kaworu didn't seem to get her meaning. "You're the same as me," he stated, the smile never leaving his face.

Rei raised an eyebrow, her own smile staying put. "You mean, aside from blue hair and a different set of chromosomes? Other than that, red eyes and a deathly pallor aren't much to go on. So really, who're you supposed to be?"

Kaworu paid no heed to her sarcasm. "I've been designated the Seventh Child by the Marduk Institute. I am here to serve as a backup pilot for the coming fight against the 17th Angel."

When he said that, Rei couldn't help but giggle, and from there couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh, that's rich, a real good one, Nagisa!" she said between laughs. Her friends were confused, as was Kaworu, though it didn't show because of his smile.

"I...don't understand," he said. "What about my statement do you find humorous?"

"Aheh, heh, it's just that, I hate to rain on your parade," Rei started to explain, motioning to her right, "but the Seventh Child's already here. Just got in earlier this afternoon."

Soon a new face emerged from the hallway behind Rei, which greatly surprised everyone, including Kaworu, whose smile disappeared as his mouth went slightly agape. Looking right back at them was a teenage boy who looked EXACTLY like Kaworu, only with more of a splash of color. His skin was a very light purple, his hair was a greenish yellow, and his eyes were also an odd shade of yellow. On his face was a grin even goofier than Kaworu's. Even his clothes were the same style as Kaworu's, but definitely more colorful: his shirt was pinkish, his slacks were striped black-and-white, and he wore black sneakers on his feet. No one but Rei knew that this 'kid' was actually Beetlejuice in disguise.

"Well, HEY THERE! Izzit me, or am I seein' double?" the new kid wondered in his greeting as he gave Kaworu a very up-close once-over.

"Everyone, meet Jun Byaku, designated Seventh Child by the Marduk Institute," Rei said as she introduced him.

'Jun' then reached out, putting his right hand towards the bewildered Kaworu. "Put'er there, guy!", he offered. Kaworu, confused, reluctantly took his hand, which Jun proceeded to shake very quickly and hard.

"OH-kay, I'm lost," Toji noted. "How can there be two Seventh Children? I thought the Marduk Institute was supposed to be...what's the word?...oh yeah, infallible, or somethin'."

"That makes two of us," Misato added as she and Ritsuko arrived on the scene, also sporting very confused looks on their faces.

"WHOA-HOA, get a load o' these two!" Jun said as he elbowed Kaworu. "No one told me NERV-Central was a total Babe-ylon."

_Oh, guh-reat, he's one of THOSE guys,_ Asuka mentally groaned as she gave herself a face-palm.

"I have Kaworu's Marduk report right here," Ritsuko said, "but I don't recall seeing Jun's."

"I've got it right here, sempai!" said Maya as she ran up to the group with the packet in-hand. "I found it on your desk a few minutes ago."

"Huh, must've overlooked it by mistake," the scientist replied as she gave it a quick glance. "Well, it seems everything's in order here. Though we still have a problem, since there can only be one Seventh Child."

"In that case," Rei started to say, "I've got the perfect solution." She paused for dramatic effect as everyone around her slightly leaned in with anticipation. "SYNC-OFF!"

Now everyone (save Jun) was confused. "What do you mean, 'sync-off'?" Ritsuko asked.

"Exactly what it sounds like," Rei replied. "These two'll undergo their testing while the others watch. Whoever has the better rates and scores, joins us as the Seventh; the one who doesn't heads home with a consolation fruit basket. Simple enough, right?"

**Gendo's office, a moment later...**

"It seems the Seventh Child-er, one of them-has made contact with Rei," Fuyutsuki reported to Gendo.

Gendo stared at his former professor bewildered. "What do you mean, 'one of them'?" he asked.

"Well, it's all very strange," Fuyutsuki replied as he pulled up security footage. "The Third, Second, and Sixth Children arrived here earlier with the boy sent by SEELE, and met up with Rei in the lobby. Once there, she introduced them to a boy who also supposedly is the Seventh Child. The strangest thing is, coloration and attitudes aside, the two of them are exact doubles. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Rei and this 'Jun Byaku' were toying with the Nagisa boy."

Gendo was stunned by what he'd heard. "I...see..." was all he said.

**The testing room, minutes later...**

"Fixing graph depth," a female tech reported. Jun and Kaworu were currently in the test plugs while the others watched from the observation deck. Kaworu's plugsuit was black with red trim, while Jun's was a bright neon green with orange trim.

"Try lowering it another point-three," said Fuyutsuki. Like the others (save Rei), he was very perplexed by the sight of two identical (save for coloration) teen boys said to be designated the Seventh Child. Even more perplexing was the readouts he and the others were seeing: Jun scored a pretty decent high rate in all EVAs save for Unit-00, while Kaworu's were astonishingly below 17%.

"Are these data readouts accurate?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"All instrumentation's operating normally, sir," Makoto reported.

"And the MAGI haven't detected any errors in the data either, sir," Maya added.

Fuyutsuki scratched his head at this. "Who would've expected that one could synchronize with all units save 00 without the core being reconfigured, while the other barely makes it up to at least turning the lights on?" he wondered.

No one but Rei knew the true reason for this: BeetleJun was actually 'spoofing' the MAGI while also spoofing the EVAs. Yui and Kyoko, from their places in their respective cores, found themselves a bit unnerved by Jun's presence despite the tenuous connection to the test plugs. While Kaworu tested in the plugs, BeetleJun worked his magic to fool the machinery into not budging, no matter how much Kaworu concentrated. Though he maintained his serene facade as everyone watched him during the test, internally Kaworu was gobsmacked-nothing was responding to his powers at all.

"This should be impossible, given the system," Maya noted.

"Nevertheless, these are the facts in front of us," Ritsuko stated.

"And we have to first accept the facts for what they are," Misato added, "before we investigate the 'why' behind them."

**Gendo's office, following the test's conclusion...**

"The Magi are currently pouring all their resources into analyzing the data we received from both of the Seventh Child candidates," Fuyutsuki reported, "but even still, I'm at a loss. No one here saw this happening at all."

Gendo looked even more worried than Fuyutsuki as he spoke. "What are the candidates doing right now?" he asked.

"They're currently on break while the results are being tallied and double-checked," Fuyutsuki answered. "Last I heard, they were heading to the bath house."

**A NERV HQ hallway, minutes later...**

Shinji and Toji were walking to the locker rooms when Kaworu approached them after exiting the elevator. He perked up slightly when he spotted the Third Child.

"Hi, were you waiting for me?" Kaworu asked.

"Uh, no, not really..." Shinji replied.

"We're just killin' time till they finish going over the test results," Toji said. "The girls are doing their own thing in another part of the floor, so I talked Shin-man here into giving the bath house a try."

"Apparently it's pretty refreshing," Shinji added.

"I see," Kaworu replied. "It sounds like a very good thing."

"You think so?" Shinji asked.

Kaworu nodded. "I'd like to talk more with you," he said. "May I come with you?"

Shinji and Toji looked at each other for a moment before they shrugged their shoulders.

"Eh, sure, why not?" Toji replied.

"I mean, it's just us guys," Shinji added. "Nothing wrong with that."

Soon the three of them had changed and were now sitting in one of the pools of the steam-filled bath house. An image of Mount Fuji hung in the background. Shinji sat at one end of the pool, while Toji was at the other. Kaworu sat close next to Shinji, which made the Third Child a little more nervous than when he noticed Kaworu stealing glances at him in class earlier. Kaworu, for the most part, looked relaxed.

"Y'know," Toji started to say, "this kinda makes me think of those shows set in New York where the wiseguys are havin' a meetin' or somethin' in the steam room. Or when some show business guys are tryin' to make a deal."

"Huh, never thought of that," Shinji replied. He was doing his best not to look embarrassed in front of Kaworu.

"I heard some interesting things about you," Kaworu said to Shinji. "You go to such extremes to avoid first contact. Are you afraid of connecting with other people? If you don't get close to others, you'll never be betrayed and you'll never hurt each other. But you'll also never be able to forget your loneliness. Humans can never banish their loneliness for good, because being human means being alone. But humans are able to go on with their lives because they're able to forget it every so often."

Shinji and Toji just stared at Kaworu, perplexed at his statement. "Uh...you think I'm lonely?" Shinji asked.

Kaworu, though still smiling, sensed that it hadn't fazed him. "Well, are you?" he asked in turn.

"You haven't been around much, have ya?" Toji said. "Months ago, that would've fit Shinji, but lately? He's come a long way from the kid I once punched out for hurting my sister by accident."

"Oh?" Kaworu wondered. "How so?"

"Well," Toji began to elaborate. "First Asuka arrived, then Rei started hanging out with us more, then Shinji and Asuka got together." He then looked at the Third Child. "Y'know, I just realized, I haven't heard ya mutter 'I mustn't run away' at all since then."

"Yeah, now that you mention it," Shinji affirmed, "I'd say I've changed a bit. I can't even remember the last time I picked up my SDAT-player. It's probably got a whole layer of dust on my desk at home."

_This is most peculiar,_ Kaworu worriedly thought to himself. _Shinji Ikari sounds so unlike the dossier I was presented with. I don't know why, but it doesn't make sense._

At that moment, their reverie was interrupted by the arrival of a new face in the bath house, as Jun plunked himself with a splash into the pool.

"Aaaaahhhh, nuthin' like a hot bath after three hours inna metal tube fulla orange goo," Jun said relaxedly. "Yep, it's pretty good ta let the ol' mid-section breathe."

Shinji and Toji immediately noticed that the expression on Kaworu's face had shifted from serene to annoyed pretty quickly.

"I'm sorry, but do you mind?" Kaworu calmly asked Jun. "We were in the middle of a conversation."

"Hey, don't mind me, it's all good," Jun re-assuredly replied. "We're just four guys, hangin' out inna bath house, chattin' away. No problem at all. Though I gotta warn ya, we're gonna have company soon."

"Company?" Kaworu asked curiously.

Shinji and Toji looked at each other slightly nervously before they turned to Kaworu.

"You weren't briefed on our little ghost problem, were ya?" Toji asked.

"I'd...thought that was only a rumor," Kaworu replied. "Why do you ask?"

At that moment, the door opened and more faces started walking in to settle in the other pools of the bath house. Except for Jun, the eyes of the other three boys widened when they saw the variety of ghosts, demons, and monsters that were chatting away with one another as they soaked themselves. As Toji'd mused earlier, it was like a scene out of a mafia movie, with some of the beings and creatures in fact looking a bit like mobsters. Toji could've sworn that he heard a few of them even discussing the planning behind a hit they were going to pull off.

"Uh, guys...I _think_ we might wanna go right now," Toji warily suggested.

"Same here," Shinji said.

"I agree," added Kaworu.

Soon the three of them got out of the pool, donned their own towels, and headed back to the locker room. Jun waved after them as they left.

"I'll catchup witcha guys later!" he said. "Gonna let my pores scream for a while."

When they reached the locker room, Toji and Shinji looked at one another for a moment as they pondered what they'd just left.

"I wonder how the girls are doing..." Shinji asked.

Over in the women's sauna, said girls were chatting away amid others who were enjoying the perks of a steam bath. Said others even included a couple of blindfolded gorgons. What seemed weirder to Asuka was how they all sounded like the yenta population of an NYC YWCA. But that didn't concern her now; right that minute she was discussing her suspicions about Kaworu with Rei.

"...You really think that's the case?" Asuka asked her friend.

"Totally," Rei answered, "even before my 'reawakening' I'd always been an adamant observer of human behavior. Whether or not Kaworu's who you think he is, I'm keeping mum for now. What I CAN tell you? He's definitely coming on to Shinji."

Asuka looked at her stunned. "Wait, you've got gaydar?"

"OH yeah," Rei replied. "And I knew Nagisa had something of a thing for your boy the minute he walked into class today."

"Oh, brother," Asuka muttered.

"Don't worry," Rei said reassuringly. "Let me tell you what you should tell Shinji, and then how to let Kaworu down gently." With that she began whispering in Asuka's ear, while the redhead paid attention closely, mentally noting every detail.

**A meeting of the SEELE council...**

The holographic monoliths faced each other as they discussed a specific piece of business that they'd been wracking their brains over for some time.

"Sometimes, it's hard to believe," lamented SEELE-02. "NERV, the organization formed to be SEELE's executive branch..."

"Created to put our script into practice..." added SEELE-07.

"...Has now become an organization in the possession of one individual," finished SEELE-01, Lorenz Kihl. "This cannot stand."

"Precisely," said SEELE-02. "We must take it back."

"Before the promised day," emphasized SEELE-04.

"NERV and the EVA series must be in their true forms," said Kihl. "Ikari, you will bear the responsibility of your malfeasance towards SEELE."

"Uh...you sure about that, Kihl?" SEELE-05 asked. "Frankly, of late Ikari doesn't seem to be in much of a position to be responsible for planning a party, let alone plotting against us."

"I'm inclined to agree," said SEELE-03. "It's getting more and more apparent that Ikari's hanging by his fingernails onto his sanity. The supernatural phenomena must have been gnawing at him ever since it began affecting NERV operations."

"...Good point," Kihl noted.

**NERV HQ, the EVA cages, around that same time...**

Gendo stood in front of Unit-01, with something of a longing look on his face.

"The time that has been given to us runs short," he said as if speaking to the giant. "But the Lance of Longinus that stood in the way of our desire is...no longer a concern."

_Oh, who do you think you're fooling?_ Yui thought to herself as she watched him from within the core of the EVA. _*SIGH* I knew I should've paid those rumors about you when we first met a little more heed. My sister was right, I should've made you 'run the gauntlet' like the other women in our family did with their boyfriends..._

"Soon, the final Angel will appear," Gendo continued, a bit of mad laughter creeping into his voice, as he looked at his right palm, "and if we destroy it, our wish will come true, aheheheheheh..."

_*UGH* Why couldn't you have just gotten therapy like a normal person, Gendo?_ Yui asked herself as she face-palmed, shaking her head.

"Just a little longer, Yui..." Gendo said to himself.

Meanwhile, the thing in Gendo's palm looked up at him with a big sweat drop beside its wary eye. Some time before Beetlejuice and co. had started throwing multiple wrenches into Gendo's and SEELE's scenarios, the Commander of NERV had Ritsuko surgically implant the embryonic form of Adam, the First Angel, into his palm, the purpose of which would allow him to trigger and control Third Impact, using Rei as a key. Now though, the embryonic Adam looked at his host, and thought one thing:

**_What the HELL did I get myself into? This guy's CRAY-CRAY...!_**

**NERV guest barracks, later that night...**

Kaworu and Jun didn't have any immediate accommodations set up, so the two were assigned to the same barracks within HQ for the time being. The results were still being analyzed, and it wouldn't be until morning when they'd ultimately find out who came out on top. Unfortunately for Kaworu, Jun turned out to be a less-than-ideal roommate. While the ashen-haired boy tried to get some sleep, the lavender-hued boy was still watching TV.

"Would you PLEASE turn that down? Some of us would like some much-needed rest," Kaworu requested.

"No prob, I'll just slip the headphones on," Jun replied as he did. That did little to satisfy Kaworu, as the TV set was still bright, and Jun was still laughing hard at what he was watching. Kaworu decided to soldier on and just ignored it, until he finally fell asleep.

**The outskirts of Tokyo-3, early next morning...**

Kaworu was none-too-pleased as he opened the secure channel to communicate with his handlers. The main handler was, of course, SEELE-01 himself.

"What happened to you?" Kihl asked his agent. "You look as if you barely slept."

Kaworu looked back up at the holographic monolith with dark circles under his eyes and, contrary to his usual expression, a scowl.

"Tell me, _Herr Kihl_," he started to ask, "did you know anything about a _second_ Seventh Child?"

Because of the monolithic avatar, Kaworu couldn't see the confused look that appeared on Kihl's face.

"What are you talking about?" the old cyborg asked in turn. "As far as we're concerned, YOU are the only Seventh Child."

"Then explain to me the presence of one 'Jun Byaku'," Kaworu replied, his tone indicating frustration. "When I arrived at NERV HQ, the First Child introduced me and the other pilots to ANOTHER person who claims to also be the Seventh Child. Not only that, but aside from some color differences as well as personality traits, the boy looked, and I am not joking here, EXACTLY like me."

This gave Kihl pause. "Could you excuse me a moment while I discuss something with the rest of the council?" he asked. Kaworu nodded as the hologram faded out for a moment. Kihl forgot to switch off the audio, however, so Kaworu could hear the slightly-muted chatter as tempers flared among the council over the revelation he'd presented. A few minutes later, Kihl's hologram reappeared.

"This is indeed most troubling," Kihl noted. "What did they do about this unforeseen redundancy?"

"They tested the two of us," Kaworu replied. "It was the First Child's idea actually: the one with the better sync rates would take the position, while the other would be dismissed and sent home. They're revealing the results today."

"Certainly you would pass," Kihl stated, "your abilities would allow you to fool their instruments and the EVAs easily."

"Unfortunately, it was anything BUT easy," Kaworu countered. "No matter how much I concentrated, the only thing I could make any of the EVAs do was merely turn their lights on. From my estimate, Jun did much, much better than I."

The hologram was silent for a moment. Then, Kihl spoke up again.

"Go back to NERV and observe what happens," he ordered. "Report back to us once they've made their decision. Remember, do not forget your true objective. Within NERV's walls is a man who is trying to obtain power equal to that of God."

SEELE-12 then chimed in. "Said man, who is not one of us, is attempting to open Pandora's Box again."

He was then followed by SEELE-04, who warned "Said man is trying to close the Box before the Hope at the bottom appears."

Kaworu let an amused smile return to his face. "Hope? You're saying that is the Lilim's hope?"

"Hope exists in as many forms as there are people," SEELE-09 replied.

"And that is because hope only exists in the hearts of people," SEELE-10 added.

"However, our hope is becoming substantiated," Kihl said.

"That is Lilith," stated SEELE-12, "the progenitor of mankind who are the false successors from the black moon."

"And Adam, the progenitor of the Angels who are the true successors from the lost white moon," added SEELE-02.

"His salvaged soul exists only within you," affirmed SEELE-03.

"However, his resurrected body already exists within Ikari," Kihl mentioned.

Kaworu looked down at that mention. "Shinji's father...unfortunately, it appears he is not entirely the same as me," he muttered to himself. "Gentlemen, if I may, might we continue this conversation in Esperanto? One can never tell who might be listening in."

"Very well," Kihl replied. "[As I was about to say, that is why we entrust you with our wish.]"

"[I know]," Kaworu replied. "[That's why I'm here now, after all.]" The scowl returned to his face as he said that. "[But that doesn't change the fact that everything I've encountered so far has run counter to the dossiers you gave me. Quite frankly, it's _distressing_. The Third Child is supposed to be a miserable loner, wallowing in self-pity, weighed down by every hardship he's ever encountered in life, with an inability to connect to others. What do I find when I get here? He's actually _happier_ than he's been in his life, and he and the Second Child are closer than previously thought! Even worse is the case of the First Child. I was told she was supposed to be Gendo Ikari's puppet, totally obedient to his will. Instead, I find a Nephilim girl who's more _trickster_ than doll! Explain THAT, why don't you?]"

Far from his position, Kaji and Misato were in the latter's car staking out Kaworu from a hillside overlooking the lake where he was holding his conversation. Said stakeout, unfortunately, wasn't going as well as they'd wanted.

"It's no good," Misato stated. "I can't read his lips with his back to us like that."

"And I'm not picking up much of anything through the listening device," Kaji said. "They switched to the one language not covered in my training."

"I guess we're both regretting not joining that Esperanto club in junior year," Misato said in turn. She then resumed looking through the binoculars. "Still, Nagisa's certainly a shady character, going out for a walk so early in the morning to talk to himself."

"I doubt he's talking to himself, if he's doing what I _think_ he might be doing," Kaji warned.

As Misato kept looking, Kaworu turned as if to face her, the odd smile on his face, startling her.

"He noticed me?!" a bewildered Misato asked.

"No, it's not possible...!" a worried Kaji said.

At that, the two stowed their devices and quickly drove off, as Kaworu looked on.

**A bridge entering the city, later that morning...**

Misato and Kaji met up with Makoto at the bridge's entrance to compare notes. They'd already filled him in on their stakeout of Kaworu Nagisa earlier.

"How'd it go?" Misato asked the bespectacled tech.

"Any data on him?" Kaji asked in turn.

"Here it is," Makoto replied as he handed them each some papers. "Maya let me know as soon as she had it."

Kaji and Misato soon looked over the papers. What they saw surprised them.

"It's no wonder Maya didn't release this information yet," Makoto said, "it's all theoretically impossible data."

"You're right," Misato said. "It only deepens the mystery."

"I'll say," Kaji added. "To think that Jun can freely set his sync rate with the EVA...and of his own will at that."

"While Kaworu, on the other hand," Makoto elaborated further, "shows signs that he can do the same, but somehow Jun was blocking his ability to do so."

The three colleagues looked at each other warily over this revelation.

"I guess this is, yet again, no time to be worried about appearances," Misato concluded.

A short time later, the three reconvened at NERV HQ and met up with Maya and Ritsuko. Sure enough, the two of them had some info of their own to share.

"What's the word?" Misato asked them.

"Well, we've reached a couple of hypotheses," Maya reported. "Jun is still unknown, as of this time."

"Kaworu, on the other hand," Ritsuko said ominously, "is likely the final messenger."

Her saying that sent a chill down the spines of everyone else.

**NERV HQ lobby, a couple of hours later...**

Kaworu was sitting alone in the lobby. A couple of hours before, they'd finally announced the results of his and Jun's 'sync-off'. Jun had won by a landslide, while he himself was dead last. Jun teased him a little, before congratulating him for at least making it this far. Kaworu put on his best face as he received a variation of 'good luck with everything else' from some of the others. Then came a short chat he had with Shinji and Asuka just half an hour ago...

"You wanted to speak with me?" Kaworu asked the Third Child.

Shinji looked to Asuka, who nodded her head, and then faced Kaworu again.

"Kaworu, I...I know how you feel about me," Shinji said, doing his best to not be nervous. He'd never formally turned down anyone who showed him a sign of affection before, let alone another boy his age. Thankfully, Asuka's second-hand coaching from Rei helped him be ready for this.

"You...you do?" asked Kaworu, slightly taken aback by Shinji's statement.

"I really appreciate how nice you've been to me," Shinji continued as he held the back of his head with one hand, "and I think you're a good guy. It's just...I'm sorry, it's just that I don't really...'bat left-handed', if you know what I mean. I'm not sure I even bat in an ambidextrous way." Bashfully, Shinji raised both hands up to his chest. "N-not that there's anything wrong with that!"

"No, of course not!" Asuka sheepishly added, trying to back up her boyfriend.

Kaworu seemed surprised at first, but then let his usual beatific expression return to his face. "I see," he said. "I understand."

"I'm glad," Shinji said as he put his hand out. "I hope we can still be friends, though, if that's all right."

Kaworu eyed his hand for a moment, before reaching out and taking it. "Certainly. I would like that a lot." The two then shook, and then parted ways as he headed back to the entrance, where he'd been sitting since then. After mulling it over for a while, Kaworu got up, and started walking towards the EVA cages.

"Perhaps it's indeed like the old Lilim saying goes," he said to himself. "If you want something done right, you'll have to do it yourself. Since subtlety failed, I believe it's time for the more...direct approach." Soon he found himself in the cages, and staring in the face of the one EVA he knew he could use.

"Come on, let's go," Kaworu said to the giant. "Come with me, Adam's alter-ego and servant of the Lilim." With that, the boy turned and walked off the ledge of the walkway and started floating over the Bakelite below. The moment he did, Kaworu Nagisa shed his disguise, and Tabris, the Angel of Free Will, took control of Evangelion Unit-03 as it roared to life. It would be the second time that the black EVA would fall under the sway of an Angel.

**END Chapter 15.**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Here it comes...**


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16 - Kaworu Nagisa and the Scaredy-Cat Polka, Part 2**

**Central Dogma, the bridge, minutes later...**

The Angel alarms blared to life, startling everyone present.

"Major, Unit-03 is activating!" Makoto reported.

Misato looked at the monitor with worry. "That's impossible!" she said as she looked towards Shigeru. "Where's Toji?!"

"He and Shinji are in the locker room, they were changing to get ready for their own tests," the long-haired tech reported.

Misato was stunned. "Then who in the world is..."

"It's unmanned!" Maya reported. "No entry plug's present within Unit-03!"

_Dammit, Rits, you might be right,_ Misato grimly thought to herself.

Another alert soon appeared on the monitor.

"A developing AT-Field's been detected in Central Dogma!" Makoto reported with alarm.

"Unit-03?" Misato asked.

"No, pattern blue!" Makoto replied. Sure enough, another monitor confirmed the pattern was indeed blue. "No doubt about it-it's an Angel!"

"Dammit, Rits, you're definitely right!" Misato said. Meanwhile, Kaworu/Tabris and Unit-03 were already making the descent into the lower depths of the base, heading towards Terminal Dogma. His journey didn't go unnoticed by the bridge crew.

"Target has passed through Level 4 and is still descending!" a male tech reported.

"It's no good! We can't cut the power to the linear carriage!" Shigeru added.

"Target has passed through Level 5!" another tech confirmed.

"Emergency lockdown! Close all partitions in Central Dogma!" Fuyutsuki ordered. "Buy us some time, no matter how little."

Soon the emergency lockdown protocols were activated, and as all entrances were sealed, any personnel on the lower levels were ordered to evacuate.

"I never imagined SEELE would send one directly to us," Fuyutsuki lamented.

Gendo held the bridge of his nose exasperatingly. "Why couldn't it have been the kid with the striped pants...?" he groaned. "*SIGH* It appears the old men intend to step up the schedule by forcing our hand."

Speaking of the old men, the SEELE council was convening around the same time, having been tipped off by a small tracer Kaworu/Tabris had on him.

"So, it has begun," SEELE-02 noted. "Humans forget their foolishness and repeat their mistakes."

"If humans won't redeem themselves willingly," SEELE-03 started to say, "then they'll never change."

"We won't rely on the powers of Adam or the Angels," SEELE-04 affirmed.

"Our only choice," Kihl asserted, "is to make changes with our own hands for the future. I will be praying that Unit-01 will accomplish its task."

**NERV HQ, still in the middle of its internal assault...**

"Unit-03's still breaking through the armored partitions!" Shigeru reported. One-by-one, the partitions as depicted on the monitor were automatically designated 'damaged' with each breakthrough.

"Target's passed through Cocytus 2!" Makoto added.

Gendo looked up from his perch. "Send the remaining EVAs after it," he commanded. "Stop it from invading Terminal Dogma at all costs."

"Yes sir," replied Misato as she eyed the commander warily. "Why did it take Unit-03...?" she wondered.

Fuyutsuki leaned down to speak to Gendo. "Could it be planning to merge with Unit-03?" the former professor asked.

"Or possibly to bring about destruction," Gendo ominously replied.

Soon enough, Shinji, Asuka and Rei scrambled to their EVAs; Toji found himself watching from the bridge.

"Aww man, why'd MY EVA have to get hijacked again?!" he lamented.

"Sorry, Toji," Ritsuko said. "It was out of our control." She then noticed something off about the room. "Wait a minute, where's Jun?"

Misato looked down at Toji. "Wasn't he with you and Shinji in the locker room?" she asked.

"Yeah, but when we got the order to scramble, me and Shinji ran ahead, but we didn't see if Jun was behind us," Toji answered.

Misato face-palmed. "Great, just great," she lamented, "one pilot candidate's an Angel, and the other's AWOL...Whatever, we can't worry about that right now." She then turned to the comms. "Pilots, you know the situation?"

"We got it," Rei replied from Unit-00's plug.

"I still can't believe it," Shinji said, "how could he be an Angel?!"

"Well you better believe it," Asuka told him, "'cause I hate to say I TOLD YOU SO!"

"Save it, Asuka," Misato ordered. "Fact is, Kaworu's an Angel, and he must be stopped. Move out!"

**The elevator shaft...**

Kaworu/Tabris and Unit-03 continued to descend more and more towards Terminal Dogma. Kaworu/Tabris looked up, figuring he was no longer alone.

"You're late, Shinji..." he muttered to himself. Soon enough, the purple form of Unit-01 could be seen closing in, followed by Units 02 and 00.

"You lied to me, Kaworu!" Shinji cried with anger. "We shook hands! You said we'd still be friends!"

"No use dwelling on it, baka," Asuka said, "don't let your man-crush get in the way, he's gotta be put down!"

"I don't have a man-crush!" Shinji balked back. "...Not that there's anything wrong with that!"

Soon enough, Unit-01 closed in on Kaworu/Tabris and Unit-03.

"I've been waiting for you Shinji," Kaworu/Tabris said, the smile still present on his face as he manipulated Unit-03 to grapple with Unit-01. The two giants were locked, unyielding as they jockeyed for position.

"Sorry, Toji," Asuka said as she got closer, "better it than us!" She soon had EVA-02 draw its prog knife as it moved in for the kill, only for the possessed Unit-03 to draw its own knife and intercept her blade.

"The EVA series..." Kaworu/Tabris noted. "Born from Adam, they are an abhorrent existence for humans, and the Lilim will even use them in order to survive." The smile left his face as he said this. "I can't understand."

"Kaworu, stop it, please!" Shinji pleaded. "Why do this?!"

"The EVA are made of the same body as I am," the Angel of Free Will replied. "Because I am born from Adam as well. I could merge with them, if only they didn't have souls. Unit-03 would be close, yet it is still tainted by the stuff of souls."

Shinji took the moment to take advantage of Asuka occupying Unit-03 to make a go at taking out Kaworu/Tabris. He thrust his own prog knife towards the human-looking Angel, only for it to be blocked by a familiar orange, octagonal energy pattern.

"An AT-Field!" Shinji said with worry.

"That's right," said Kaworu/Tabris, "what you Lilim call it. The sacred domain where none may trespass. The light of the soul."

"AH, SHUT IT with the pseudo-spiritual crap!" Asuka barked as she continued parrying Unit-03's knife thrusts. "Rei, where's the shot?!"

"Can't get a clear one!" Rei replied. "I might hit one of you!"

Kaworu/Tabris let a small smile return to his face. "Lilim, you know, don't you?" he wondered. "That the AT-Field is the wall that everyone has in their heart?"

"We don't know what you're talking about! Start making _sense_ for God's sake!" Shinji shouted in turn. The struggle continued between the three EVAs until they finally hit the ground, which was noticed up on the bridge.

"The EVA units have reached the lowest level," a male tech reported.

"Target distance to Terminal Dogma: twenty," a female tech added.

Misato took a moment to get close to Makoto, to whisper something to him.

"If any of our Units' signals disappear and another change occurs..." she implored.

Makoto nodded, knowing grimly what Misato meant. "I know," he replied. "We set this place to self-destruct, right? Better than letting them set off Third Impact..." He then began typing in the sequence.

"I'm sorry," Misato apologized.

"It's okay," Makoto replied. "As long as we're all together in this."

"Thank you," she said.

Back on the floor of Terminal Dogma, Kaworu/Tabris advanced forward as he kept Unit-03 moving to hold the others back.

"The fate of man..." he mused. "The hope of man is written in sorrow."

He soon came upon the giant doors that guarded the entrance of the Chamber of Gauf.

"Kaworu, wait!" Shinji shouted as he pressed forward, while Asuka and Rei kept Unit-03 busy. Kaworu/Tabris soon opened the locks.

"Final safety's been released!" Shigeru reported.

"Heaven's Door's opening!" Makoto added.

Ritsuko looked on grimly. "So, an Angel's finally reached it..." she lamented.

Kaworu/Tabris hovered closer and closer to the cross where Lilith lay, looking upon it with awe.

"Adam, our progenitor," Kaworu/Tabris started to say, "must all who were born of you return to you, even at the cost of destroying humanity?" Suddenly, a realization hit him. "No! This is...Lilith?" The shock of realization soon wore off. "I see, so that's what this is about, Lilim."

He soon heard a noise from behind, and turned to see that Unit-03 had been disabled, while the other Units closed in on him, weapons drawn.

"Thank you, Shinji," Kaworu/Tabris said, the smile back on his face. "I wanted you to stop Unit-03. Otherwise, I may have gone on living with it."

"HEY! What're we, chopped liver?" Asuka barked.

"Kaworu, why do this? Why?!" Shinji asked.

Kaworu looked up at Unit-01 before he replied. "Because it's my destiny to continue to live, even if it may result in the destruction of humanity," he said. "But I can also die here. Life and death are of equal value to me. Dying of your own will. That is the one and only absolute freedom there is."

"You gotta be kidding me," Asuka said, "the kid's suicidal!"

"My last will and testament," Kaworu/Tabris continued. "Now, erase me from this world. If you don't, you will be the ones who are erased. Only one lifeform will be chosen to survive the time of destruction and be given a future. And you are not a being who should die. Your people need the future." He paused for a moment as the EVAs took aim with the rifles they'd slung over their shoulders. "Thank you. I'm glad I met you." He then scowled slightly for a moment. "If there's any other consolation for me, at least I'll be rid of that confounding Jun. That pest kept me up most of last night with an insipid John Candy movie marathon..."

"Whoa whoa WHOA," a new voice interjected, echoing throughout the chamber. "You dissin' the Candyman, kid? Ya REALLY must be suicidal, 'cause he who tires of John Candy is tired of LIFE."

It didn't take long for everyone to recognize the source of that voice.

"Waitaminute-" Asuka started to say.

"Jun?" Shinji wondered.

"JUN?!" the bridge staff also wondered.

Soon a purple puff of smoke appeared between Kaworu/Tabris and the EVAs, and Jun Byaku stood revealed, smiling smugly at the Angel of Free Will.

"Quite the speech, Tabby," Jun said. "Haven't heard somethin' that sad-sack since Sally Field at the '86 Oscars." He tilted his head to the side cockily. "Say, kid-" his voice then shifted to something very deep and menacing-**"you ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?"**

At that moment, on the bridge, the MAGI pinged at Makoto's station. His eyes went wide when he saw what alert was present.

"Uh, Major...?" he said as he pointed Misato towards the alert. When she and Ritsuko looked, their eyes went even wider, and so on among the staff.

The MAGI had detected a pattern tie-dye...coming right from Jun Byaku.

"Oh my god..." Shigeru muttered.

"It-it can't be..." Maya said uneasily.

"What? What is it?!" Asuka demanded over the comms.

"It's Jun..." Misato answered. "He's a...he's a ghost!"

"WHAAAAT?!" Shinji and Asuka both said, bewildered by what they'd just heard.

"Wuh-oh, guess the secret's out," Jun cheekily said. "Ah well, fun while it lasted." He then looked back up at Kaworu/Tabris. "'Scuse me while I offer a massive rebuttal to yer lil' diatribe there. Y'know how they say that th' greatest lie ever told by th' Devil wuz that he didn't exist? Well here's another for ya-th' SECOND-greatest lie ever told wuz a lil' somethin' called 'destiny'. Destiny is one o' th' biggest crocks ever invented, designed ta send th' fanatical ta an early grave. Ya call yerself th' 'Angel of Free Will'? Then where's yer defiance, man? Why aren't ya doin' whatever it is ya wanna? Why didn't ya give th' SEELE geezers th' finger an' go do yer own thing? Shows how much o' yer life ya wasted waitin' fer this day."

Kaworu/Tabris was greatly taken aback by Jun's words. "What would you know of my life? Yes, I may be the Angel of Free Will, but I was given this body for one purpose, and that has defined my life up till now. It was either destroy humanity, or be destroyed by humanity. I had no other options."

Jun couldn't help but laugh at the Angel's words. "Really? _No other options?_ Buddy, there's ALWAYS a third option, one that Shinji here's been doing his darndest not ta give in ta ever since he an' Red hooked up."

"And that is?" Kaworu/Tabris asked skeptically.

Jun smiled as he started to transform. **"Run away..."** he replied as his form continued to shift.

Before the astonished eyes of the Angel, Shinji, Asuka, and the staff on the bridge, 'Jun' grew taller till he was about the size of an adult male. His hair grew longer and curlier, tropical patterns appeared on his shirt, and his sneakers adopted a more Converse style. A very frightened look appeared on Kaworu/Tabris's face as an accordion appeared slung over the man's shoulder. A collective gasp was heard among the staff on the bridge, as a number of people recognized the form that the being formerly known as Jun Byaku assumed.

"NO WAY..." Misato said, gobsmacked.

"You're kidding...!" Ritsuko added.

"...'Weird Al' Yankovic?!" cried Makoto, Maya and Shigeru simultaneously.

Up on his perch, Gendo gaped at the sight before him. "Oh, no...not again..." he groaned.

"Weirdlejuice" played a quick note on his accordion, causing Kaworu/Tabris to shudder.

"Are ya ready ta ROCK?!" he asked gleefully. Silence followed. "I said, ARE YA READY TA ROCK?!" he asked again as he played another note. Silence still followed, save for a few cricket chirps. "WELL...we don't do THAT anymore..." he said with faux disappointment, "...but there's plenty o' POLKA ta go around!" Weirdlejuice then snapped his fingers, and soon a black-and-white-striped EVA weapons locker appeared in the chamber. Suddenly, Unit-03 rose up, and it, along with the other three EVAs, straightened up at attention.

"WAS ZUR HöLLE?!" both Asuka and Kyoko said, dumbfounded.

"M-mom? What's going on...?" Shinji mentally asked Yui.

"I don't know," Yui replied, just as worried, "but I'm definitely not the one doing this!"

Weirdlejuice then pointed towards the locker, and the four EVAs walked to it single-file, the pilots unable to get their controls to respond. Unit-01 opened it up, and took out an EVA-sized banjo. Unit-02 followed and extracted a tuba; Unit-03 got out a bass; and Unit-00 removed a small drum kit. A few more ghosts and ghouls joined them in a flash to fill out a couple more wind instrument seats and a couple of brass seats; two of the spooks, on twin clarinets, looked like ghastly versions of the Shmenge brothers from _SCTV_.

Kaworu/Tabris was extremely shocked and horrified by this development. Somehow he, the most enigmatic of the Angels, had failed to keep his secret fear hidden. Despite the vast array of powers at his command, and despite his fascination with most human musical forms, the Angel of Free Will...had a crippling polka-phobia.

"Let's BOOGIE!" Weirdlejuice shouted, cuing the unconventional 'band' to get ready. "One two three FOUR!" The band then launched into a fast-paced polka, whose tune sounded strangely familiar to those who could feel it out. The thing that looked like 'Weird Al' definitely had the real thing's style down, right down to the lyrical content:

_**Like a cookster who has forsaken mayonnaise**_

_**Rise up, old boy, and make yourself a sandwich!**_

_**Some fries, and barbecued wings,**_

_**Are hiding behind the door of your fridge!**_

_**But you're glazing donuts as if you cannot see,**_

_**You just spray glaze everywhere, smiling stupidly.**_

Shinji and Asuka each were dumbfounded by the fact that they were in EVAs moving on their own, rocking back and forth and side to side in their entry plugs as their mechas played their instruments.

_"V-v-v-verdammt!"_ Asuka shouted, "I-I-I-I th-th-th-thought I-I-I-I'd g-g-g-gotten a-a-a-away f-f-f-from th-th-th-this b-b-b-by l-l-l-leaving h-h-home!"

"I-I-I-I-I th-th-th-thought p-p-p-polka w-w-was one of th-th-th-the p-p-prides of Germany!" Shinji said as he was shaken.

"N-n-n-not t-t-t-to th-th-this German!" Asuka replied.

_**Your tray holds such condiments,**_

_**You're blind to the burn that will soon come to pass.**_

_**But it's summoning you, with a smell like a fish.**_

_**You slurp it without knowing why...**_

Misato turned a bright red as soon as she realized something was very familiar about the lyrics, a sight not unnoticed by Ritsuko.

"Misato? What's the matter?!" the scientist asked her friend worriedly.

"OH MY GOD-that's my fridge!" the tactical commander shouted with embarrassment. "He's singing about the inside of my fridge!" She then gave herself a face-palm. "*UGH* I'm never gonna live this down..."

_**But somehow, you know you'll be skewered,**_

_**And your pizza will finally melt.**_

_**Those wings in your fridge are just waiting to burn you.**_

_**The bathroom will soon set them free!**_

Kaworu/Tabris was in a heightened state of panic as he paced around, his hands covering his ears to no avail. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the giant form of Lilith actually bobbing its head along to the beat, a further confirmation of the differences between Adam's spawn and Lilith's.

_**This smoked beefsteak, an error's litany,**_

_**Will soon smoke out the windows of your place!**_

_**White-hot chili, a tasteless dish of beans,**_

_**This gruel thesis, don't try the onion juice!**_

Ritsuko shuddered as she listened closely, bad memories of Misato's cooking coming back to the forefront of her mind. Meanwhile, in Terminal Dogma, Kaworu was now running around in circles, hands still covering his ears.

_**Come now, you must embrace the recipe!**_

_**Rise up, old boy, and bake yourself...**_

_**Some cookies!**_

"NO! NO! Why, WHY did this have to happen?!" the Angel of Free Will said as he bemoaned his present situation. "Being squeezed to death by an EVA's hand I could take, but this?! NOOOOO-HOHOHOHO...!"

_**It took forever, so long...**_

_**Wrapped in foil and cradled with care...**_

_**But with the wind approaching, comes an alarmed cry;**_

_**It tells you the meat is charred...too bad!**_

At last, it was too much for Kaworu/Tabris to take. Hands still held to his ears, he looked around manically, until finally he came to a decision.

"Running away it is!" he declared. He then reached into himself and extracted the soul of Adam. "Apologies, Father, but you're on your own!" he said as he tossed the soul aside, which floated away somewhere no one could make out.

With that, he ran off screaming in terror, past the EVAs, through the doorway, up the entire elevator shaft, straight through the bridge (surprising all the staff present), up the car conveyor, and out of the Geofront, all at nearly superhuman speed. He didn't stop there, as he kept running and running till he'd left the city (if not the entire country of Japan) in the dust, as he sped across the Pacific, never stopping, until he was long out of sight.

At that moment, the band wrapped up its song, Weirdlejuice delivering the final note in the usual fine Yankovic fashion, complete with an upward kick. A good portion of the bridge crew actually applauded the performance, as everyone in the band, including the EVAs, took their bows. Weirdlejuice then snapped his fingers, and he, along with the spooks and the instruments, vanished in a puff of purple smoke, leaving only the EVAs, now back under their respective pilots' control. Shinji and Asuka had bamboozled looks on their faces, as if they were still questioning what the hell had just happened.

Misato shook her head to clear herself mentally as she got back into the mode of tactical ops director.

"Status?" she asked.

"Pattern blue no longer detected within Terminal Dogma," Makoto reported. "Judging by how fast he was running out of here and how loud he was screaming...I estimate he won't be showing his face around here ever again."

It had truly been one of, if not the most harrowing battles with an Angel that NERV's finest had undertaken. How it would be recorded in the history books would be a matter for later generations to pursue, since the way the battle ended was bound to elicit a lot of skepticism and confusion. After all, who'd ever heard of an Angel being defeated by EVAs playing polka?

"I'm never gonna make fun of polka music as long as I live," Shigeru said as he slumped back into his chair. The rest of the staff were breathing a collective sigh of relief, a few even crying tears of joy. It may have happened unconventionally, if not in a downright off-the-hook way, but the last Angel had been defeated. Perhaps now they could finally move on with their lives.

Fuyutsuki wiped the sweat from his brow as he addressed Gendo. "I can honestly say that I'm glad that's over," he said, only to turn and notice that Gendo, at some point during the song, had fainted.

Back in Terminal Dogma, the pilots were trying to process this themselves. The only one who seemed undaunted by all that had just happened was Rei.

"Well that was fun," she amusingly said to her fellow pilots over the comms. "Think he does bar mitzvahs?"

Shinji and Asuka merely stared at her through the vid-feed, then at each other, before slumping over in dumbfounded exhaustion.

"Pilots, mission accomplished," Misato said over the comms. "When you're feeling up to it, grab Unit-03 and we'll work on getting the carriage down for you." She breathed her own sigh of relief, happy that her charges were still alive and unharmed. "Don't worry, we'll have you back up here in no time."

"R-roger," Shinji and Asuka both answered wearily, as they both had their EVAs pick up Unit-03 and started making their way out of the Chamber. Before she walked out, Rei turned Unit-00 in the direction of Lilith and shot her a thumbs-up. Lilith acknowledged the gesture with two thumbs-up of her own.

**Gendo's office door, later...**

Gendo walked with a weary hunch back to his office. This time, the scenario had REALLY gone off the track, if not the entire railroad. This was to be the big, second-to-last step: Shinji forced to kill the only person who actually sought him out as a friend, that he would latch onto, and then have his soul shattered as he was betrayed by said person. Instead, Tabris wasn't killed, nor did he try to initiate Third Impact; he ran like a coward after a supernatural facsimile of a renowned parodist led the EVAs in a polka performance that terrified the Angel. _Where did I go wrong?_ Gendo thought to himself. _What did I possibly do to have years of work undone in such f*****g bizarre ways?_ He let out an exasperated sigh as he finally reached for the knob and opened the door. When he looked in what normally was his office, he found instead a room lit only by a single overhead lamp. On the back wall were a number of random portraits and paintings. In the center was a poker table, and seated around it were a humanoid-looking orangutan, two chimpanzees, and a gorilla, all dressed like they came from some oddball science fiction setting, all of whom turned to look at the new arrival. Beetlejuice was seated in the center of the table, acting as the dealer (and dressed for the part as well). He looked up to see Gendo staring at the scene, a snide smile on his face.

"Hiiii, guy...Want me ta deal ya in?" Beetlejuice asked, holding out an inviting hand as he shuffled a deck of cards with the other. "Pull up a chair, don't be shy. Ya might go home a winner! Gotta warn ya, though, these guys have _really_ good poker faces."

Gendo, no longer surprised but always disturbed by the scene before his eyes, slammed the door behind him. He sighed, opened the door again, and then saw his office back to normal, once again. He then walked inside, closing the door behind him, and barely made it halfway across the room before he fell to his knees.

"YOU MANIACS!" Gendo cried, pounding his right fist on the floor. "YOU BLEW IT UP!...Oh, DAMN you..." he cursed, as he then pounded his left fist on the floor. "God...DAMN you all to Hell!"

**END Chapter 16.**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Ah yes, the point in the series where Kaworu comes to town. Not gonna lie, like Mike313 in his "Lone Heir of Krypton" story, I had the most difficult time figuring out how to write Kaworu. I knew that none of his usual moments would happen given how, well, more emotionally stable I wound up making the cast as this story progressed, so what you see is the 17th Angel being utterly baffled by everything happening, and all of it not going according to the designs he was given. Considering that Shinji wasn't in the sad state of affairs he was in during the actual episode 24, of course a lot of Kaworu's musings would go way over everyone's heads. The idea of Beetlejuice posing as the new pilot while Kaworu was also present was an idea I had from the start (think an anime You, Me and Dupree), as was the polka performance that capped off the fight.**

**Speaking of, full songwriting credit goes to Lexarius (he of the great still-in-progress crossover story "Stranger Visitations"), who penned the lyrics for the diddy central to the climax of this chapter. It's meant to be sung over a polka-ized version of none-other-than the very theme song of ****_Neon Genesis Evangelion_****, "A Cruel Angel's Thesis". Thus, the title is "Misato's Pantry (A Cruel Angel's Polka)".**

**In the preceding chapter, Ritsuko breaks up with Gendo in the same manner as depicted in the classic ****_Seinfeld_**** episode "The Lip Reader", which coincidentally I riffed on earlier in my (still in-progress) "Shin-Feld" anthology. Also borrowed from Seinfeld was the iconic line from "The Outing", if you noticed.**

**Beetlejuice's reference to Sally Field is based on her speech that she gave at the 1986 Academy Awards ceremony. You know, the "You like me, you really like me" one.**

**The Shmenge brothers (as played by John Candy and Eugene Levy) were the leaders of the polka band The Happy Wanderers in the sketches that focused on them from ****_SCTV_****.**

**Managed to throw in a couple of Burton nods this time around. Aside from another ****_Batman_**** quote, the scene Gendo encounters at the end is a riff on Burton's 2001 remake of ****_Planet of the Apes_****, with Gendo going so far as, ironically, quoting Charlton Heston in the 1968 original.**


	18. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17 - Dream A Little Dream (for the last time!), Gendo**

Rei was sitting in her living room reading a David Sedaris book when she felt the presence of her two ghostly partners as they phased in through her ceiling.

"Hope you guys didn't give the lady upstairs a heart attack on your way down," she said as she greeted them.

"Ah, don't worry," Beetlejuice replied, "Naoko _insisted_ on us coming in invisible. *AHEM* Spoilsport! *AHEM*"

Naoko rolled her eyes at that. "Oh, never mind him. Anyway, we need to talk."

"About?" Rei asked.

"Now that the 17th Angel's been dealt with, in a way that nobody predicted," she explained, "the men of SEELE are going to get desperate. Even with the Angels defeated, their 'blueprint' has been pretty much taken apart, so now they're going to try starting Third Impact themselves. By force, unfortunately. Gendo'll be desperate too-the moment SEELE launches his assault, he'll probably make a break for Terminal Dogma and get ready to start it on his own."

"So that means..." Beetlejuice began to say.

"Right now, we're essentially experiencing the calm before the storm," Rei finished.

"Which also means we've got to get the right information to the right people soon," Naoko elaborated. "We need to prevent the city from being turned into a killing field. To do that, we need a plan."

"My ears are burning..." Beetlejuice cheekily chimed in. "I gotcher plan here...more than a plan, actually, since it also involves Lilith..."

"What is it, then?" Naoko asked.

"Yeah, don't keep us in suspense," added Rei.

Beetlejuice smiled his most $#!+-eating-est grin before he spoke, rubbing his hands together. "A _grand finale..._"

**Misato's apartment, a couple of days following the battle with Tabris...**

It was another 'intelligence gathering' in the home of NERV's operations director, as Misato herself, Kaji, Ritsuko, Maya, and Makoto were sitting in the living room, discussing what may come following the unorthodox defeat of the 17th Angel. White noise generators provided by Kaji had been set up to keep the bugs within the walls from picking up their conversations. The scene they painted was going to look grim. Shinji, Asuka and Rei were present as well, since they had as much stake in keeping whatever chaos to come from happening.

"All right, what do we know so far about SEELE's scenario?" Misato asked.

"Number one: Second Impact was caused by them to start laying the foundation for their scenario," Kaji replied.

"Number two: NERV was formed, in truth, to help further establish the needed conditions for their scenario to unfold," Ritsuko answered. "Building the Evangelions, obtaining the embryonic form of Adam and the Lance of Longinus, and keeping Lilith imprisoned in Terminal Dogma, all were essential elements needed to be brought together."

"Number three: their plan hinged on Angels three through seventeen being killed off by the Evangelions, themselves derived partly from Angel biology," Makoto added. "Of all of them, Angels three through 10, along with 13, 15, and 16, were successfully destroyed, while 11, 12, 14, and 17 fled; so far, none of those four have returned to try and initiate Third Impact, which has temporarily thrown a wrench in the works."

"Number Four: their scenario also hinged on them possessing the Lance of Longinus; because it vanished, that leaves them with only one other way to start Third Impact," Maya said. "Of the Evangelions in NERV's possession, Unit-01 holds the most significance because it's the only one whose biological components were based on Lilith, not Adam, making it a key to the whole process."

"But before Unit-01 suddenly became super-important to them," Shinji started to say, "it seemed like they sent Kaworu to be the trigger, since he said that he held the soul of Adam."

"If he'd succeeded," Asuka added, "he would've merged with Lilith and started the whole shebang. But he thought that it was Adam on the cross, so it seems like they lied to him."

"Just gonna throw this one out here," Rei started to ask, "but it seems like we're forgetting another question that needs answering."

"And that is?" Asuka asked.

"Why go through all this trouble to start instrumentality, to make themselves immortal? Aside from the usual reasoning of rich-cruel-old-white dudes."

"You know, I've been wondering about that for a while," Kaji admitted.

"Between Rei and myself, we can probably answer that," Ritsuko said. "I put some of the pieces together using some of that material you forwarded me from that colleague of yours."

Everybody else leaned in expectantly before Ritsuko started explaining things.

"According to the intel gathered over the years, despite the claims of the head council's members that they've been pulling the world's strings since ancient times, a lot of evidence points to their being active since at least the end of the Second World War, after they acquired the Dead Sea Scrolls." She pointed to some of the photocopies on the coffee table they were using. "When Yui and Gendo Ikari were brought onto Project-E, it was under the pretense that the Evangelions were to be used as 'soul arks', to ride out Third Impact and allow humanity to reform later."

"My mother can confirm that," Shinji said. "She told me about that the last time we had a test."

Rei picked up from that thread. "Another false motive they purposefully spread among the more 'in-the-know' members of their inner circle was Instrumentality only for the entire council membership. They'd be merged in an EVA unit with its own S2 Engine, in effect a godlike being. They'd make sure the Lance of Longinus was destroyed before they did it, so nobody could have the only weapon able to harm their 'body'. The result would be an all-powerful immortal with a human soul, making it the pinnacle of human existence."

"Sounds like a bad comic book plot," Makoto said.

"Then you can call this plot worse," Ritsuko replied. "Their real goal is a bit more...fatalistic." She took a moment to sip her tea. "Between what I've gleaned from sitting in on meetings with the Commander and Fuyutsuki, and some of the hacking Maya and I have done, paired with the dossiers Kaji and the JDA have been secretly building, we can conclude that SEELE is the be-all, end-all nihilistic death cult. Considering they've been confirmed to have been around since World War II's end, with all the devastation that occurred in that conflict, they _would_ feel that humanity was too sick to survive. Thus, the ultimate goal of their Human Instrumentality Project is to forcibly unite the human race into one, ending all war and individual struggles in the process, whether the rest of the world wants it or not. World peace, by paying the ultimate price."

"More than just that," Rei added. "They're practically worshipers of Adam. He was the first to arrive on Earth, but because Lilith joined him accidentally, it kept him from seeding the planet with his type of lifeforms." Rei took a minute to sip some tea, as she gauged the confused looks of the rest of the group. "It's a long story involving ancient aliens, something to discuss another time. ANYWAY, because Lilith halted Adam's actions, SEELE sees Lilith's creations-aka us-as usurpers for dominion of the world; they think that the Angels should've been here first. Thus they see our genesis as the actual 'Original Sin'. (Man, these guys really are the religious fanatic's fanatics.)"

The rest of the group looked at each other, confused looks still on their faces.

"Forget bad comic book plot, THIS has the makings of an overly-pretentious sci-fi novel," Maya said.

"I hear ya," Misato chimed in. "Compared to this, I'd have an easier time getting through _2001: A Space Odyssey_ right now."

"So we know (mostly) the why," Kaji pointed out. "But how about the 'how'?"

Ritsuko and Rei looked at each other for a moment before the former answered him.

"Took me a while to figure out, but then it hit me," Ritsuko said. "The answer was under our noses the whole time-literally, every time any of us set foot in Gendo Ikari's office."

"What're you talking about?" Asuka asked. "There's nothing in there but a desk and-"

"Think about the floor of the office," Rei interjected. "What about it stands out?"

Everyone gave it some thought, until Shinji spoke up.

"Yeah, now that I do think about it," he started to say, "what's with the strange tree painted on there? And why's it also on the ceiling?"

"It's not just any tree," Ritsuko explained. "It's the Kabbalistic depiction of the Tree of Life."

"Kabbalistic?" Asuka inquired. "You mean like that weird stuff Madonna and other celebs were into years ago?"

"Sort of," Ritsuko answered as she quickly produced a diagram. "It's a symbolic diagram made up of 10 numbers and 22 letters. The numbers are the ten utterances of God in the first chapter of Genesis, where the universe was created." She then began quickly drawing the reverse on another piece of paper. "But if the 'tree' were inverted..."

_When did this turn into a bible study session...?_ Misato thought to herself.

"Instead of creating the world," Ritsuko continued to explain, pointing to her drawing, "the world, and all who dwell on it, would be unmade."

"And how would it be done in real life?" Kaji asked.

"With EVA Unit-01 as the focal point, and with the Mass Production EVAs SEELE's probably finished manufacturing by now," Ritsuko replied. "Hypothetically, the MP EVAs would 'crucify' Unit-01 by resonating their AT-Fields around it, after its core is pierced by a Lance of Longinus. My guess is they'll have created a substitute or a close replica for their purposes. But they could perform this 'ritual' only at the same time that Adam and Lilith have merged."

"Okay, so what excuse could SEELE make to send the MP EVAs here?" Asuka asked. "All the Angels are mostly gone."

Kaji's face turned grim before he answered her. "I've got a pretty good idea of what," he said. "And it definitely involves the council using all their political influence, which runs deep in a number of places."

Everyone else looked intently at Kaji as he revealed the dark possibilities of SEELE's next move.

"First they'll convince any higher ups they've got under their thumb in the UN to revoke NERV's special protective status," he explained. "Then they'll most likely try and convince Ikari to surrender the organization to the Japanese government. They'll also convince the other NERV branches to have their respective MAGI hack into the main one here, to render us defenseless. Barring that, SEELE, through their puppets, will have the JSSDF attack HQ to take the EVAs by force, under the pretense of Ikari, and NERV, attempting to start Third Impact."

"Which, ironically, is something my fa-the Commander's actually trying to do," Shinji chimed in.

"It'd be a massacre," Misato grimly theorized.

"Then again, it'd definitely merit them sending the MP EVAs over," Ritsuko added.

"Why?"

"Because in their zeal, they'll tell themselves they're ending the war between Angels and humans," Rei said. "Just as Adam's the progenitor of the Angels, Lilith's ours. The Angels were 'humans that gave up human form'-which means we're practically the same. To SEELE, humanity is the _eighteenth_ Angel."

The rest of the group stared at one another, astounded by what they'd just heard.

"Well, I'm not gonna get much sleep tonight," Makoto said.

"We've really got a lot of work to do now, and a really small window to do it in," Misato said.

"Leave the political side of things to me," Kaji offered. "I'll relay all this to my bosses in the JDA, and we'll make sure to root out the SEELE loyalists in the government. If we're successful, we'll be able to at least cut them off from some of their military options."

"But I'm guessing not all of them," Misato said. "In which case, whatever forces they'll manage to send will require us to have the EVAs deployed." She looked at the three pilots. "We'll figure out a way to defend HQ without giving them any casualties. Killing people is something I don't want you to go through."

"Thank you," Shinji said.

"With the MP EVAs, not so much," Asuka said in turn. "I think we should get NERV-2 on our side, since we know a number of people there. We do that, we can have Unit-04 and Unit-05 sent here as fast as possible to back us up. And it'll leave SEELE with one less MAGI acting against us."

Misato nodded at that idea. "I'll get in touch with NERV-2's ops commander, fill him in on what's happening. Rits can back me up in this instance."

"And I will," Ritsuko agreed. "Maya and I will also do some quick modifications on our own MAGI here, to shore up its defenses when the other branches go on the cyber-attack."

"We'll also give Kaji more evidence to present his superiors, along with whatever Makoto's dug up," Maya added.

Misato nodded affirmatively. "Just to be on the safe side, we should get an evacuation of the city set in motion. The fewer civilian casualties, the better."

Shinji and Asuka looked at their guardian. "We'll let Toji know what's going on, make sure that his family gets out early," Shinji said. "Along with Kensuke and the others."

"I'll do the same with Hikari and her family," Asuka added. "I think it might be a good idea for me to get in touch with Marie at NERV-2, let her know to expect something urgent." Asuka then looked in the direction of the fridge. "I also think it might be good to send Pen-Pen along with Hikari. I don't exactly think he's a marching kind of penguin, if you know what I mean. Besides, he seems to like her."

"You may be right," Misato agreed.

Rei then looked around at the group once again. "You all realize there's no going back after this, right?" she asked solemnly.

Everyone nodded in affirmation. "All right then. One last thing-don't expect me and Unit-00 on the battlefield at first. Gendo, once the fighting starts, will probably make a beeline down to Terminal Dogma, to get in place for his own 'ritual', and he'll be expecting me down there, since I'm the key to starting his own Third Impact."

Shinji got a worried look on his face at hearing that. "But why go down there at all?" he asked.

"Yeah, wouldn't it make sense to take the key away from him?" Asuka concurred.

Rei smiled, confusing the two. "Dr. Akagi's mother, along with myself and our 'partner', have a special surprise planned for him that'll put the final nail in the coffin for his ambitions," she explained with a wink. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

Misato couldn't help but raise one eyebrow upon hearing her say that again. _Seriously, I know I've heard that somewhere before..._she wondered to herself.

**NERV-2, Nevada, USA, the next day...**

Marie Vincennes had just arrived for the day when she was alerted to a text message on her phone. Taking it out, she saw the following:

**Heads-up, girlfriend-**

**You might be in for an emergency meeting today. Why? You'll find out once you hear the announcement.**

**-Asuka S.**

Meanwhile, Kaede Agano was glancing at a magazine when she heard a ping coming from her console. Turning to check out the source of the alert, she discovered a new email with 'Important: Ops Commander's Eyes Only' emphasized in the subject line. Kaede, sensing the urgency in it, quickly got on the phone and dialed in to the tactical commander's office. Said commander picked it up as soon as it rang.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Major Krohn?" Kaede greeted in turn. "Just got an urgent-looking email now, and it's meant strictly for you. Forwarding it right now."

Major Aaron Krohn then looked at his inbox, which promptly updated to show the forwarded email waiting to be read. He quickly opened it up, and gave it a quick glance. Surprised by the contents of the message, he gave it a second, more thorough read, and his expression shifted to one of grave concern. He then spoke back into the phone.

"Kaede, tell everyone, including the pilots, to meet in conference room 5A, emergency mandatory meeting. This is big, we've got no time to waste..."

**Tokyo-3, outside the Horaki residence...**

The scene was a bit tense for everyone gathered. The Horaki family's car was already packed up with most of their belongings, with an additional trailer they rented hitched to the back. The pilots and their friends were standing outside, talking. The moving was a bit easier for Toji's family; Sakura had healed enough that they could move her out of the hospital. Mana and Mayumi, along with their foster parents, had evacuated early, so they were out of danger first. So now it was down to the pilots saying goodbye, for now, to Hikari and Kensuke. Hikari was holding Pen-Pen in her arms while Asuka was going over how to take care of him.

"...And remember to make sure he's got the latest issue of _Fortune_," Asuka implored, "he likes keeping up with the 500, and it's almost time for this year's list."

"Got it," Hikari affirmed. Even after hanging out with Asuka and the others for so long, it still astounded her that they lived with a penguin smart enough to express an interest in finance. She then turned to Toji before turning back to Asuka. "Watch his back, okay?" she asked.

Asuka nodded, a small smile on her face. "Don't worry," she replied, "we'll make sure the lug comes back to you whole."

"HEY!" Toji groaned. He then looked back at Hikari. "I promise, I'll be careful," he confidently said.

Hikari smiled back at him. "You'd better," she warned, before reaching up and planting a quick kiss on him.

At that moment, Kensuke finished setting up a tripod with a camera on top. "All right, let's make this one count, people!" he said. "I wanna make sure it's perfect-this'll be the last time we're all together, at least for a while."

The others chuckled as they then got into place. Kensuke then set the timer, and then quickly dashed over to join the others. Luckily, he made it in time. They checked the preview on the camera, satisfied with the result.

"If you guys all make it back," he started to say, "let's make this an annual thing. Sound good?" The others nodded in approval.

Soon goodbyes were exchanged, and Hikari (along with Pen-Pen) got into the car with her family, which then drove off.

**A meeting between Gendo and SEELE, the following evening...**

The air was still as Gendo stared down the holographic monoliths that faced him.

"The promised time has come," Lorenz Kihl stated. "Though the battle with the final Angel turned out...far from what we ideally envisioned, the moment is now indeed upon us. With the Lance of Longinus now lost, complementation using Lilith is now impossible. Our only hope is to proceed with EVA-01, Lilith's sole clone."

"...While differen' from SEELE's scenario...?" Gendo replied, a slight slurring in his voice. Fuyutsuki, out of the view of the gathered council, cringed slightly at the sight. Earlier, before the meeting started, he'd noticed Gendo had come in with a scent of alcohol on his person. That alone worried the vice-commander of NERV; for the first time in all their dealings with the council, Gendo was going to be drunk for the proceedings. There could only be one possible way this would end.

_*Sigh* We're doomed..._he grimly thought to himself.

"I mean, c'mon, us HUMANS oughta evolve into a new world, riiight?" Gendo continued. "That's why we built the frickin' EVAs."

The council, though their faces were hidden, were confused by the way Gendo reacted.

"Ikari, are you drunk?" Kihl asked.

"I'm fine! G'wan, g'wan, please, continue," Gendo implored, waving a dismissive hand.

"Er...very well," SEELE-09 said. "The fact of the matter is, we've no intention of giving up our human forms simply to enter the Ark called EVA."

"It is merely a rite of passage," SEELE-12 concurred. "to bring about the rebirth in those who are imprisoned."

"The fate of destruction is also the joy of rebirth," SEELE-05 said.

"A sacrament to unite God, humans, and all other life forms in death," added SEELE-04.

There was an awkward, pregnant pause before Gendo spoke up again. What he said next took everyone by surprise.

"Y'know what? It's funny, 'cause you actually believe all that," he drunkenly chuckled. "I mean, tha's what you old buzzards are really, a global death cult...an' yur gunna make us all drink th' punch, willin' or not!" He then laughed, then slightly hiccupped, before Kihl spoke.

"Ikari, this is not protocol-"

"I don' remember askin' you a GODDAMN thing!" Gendo barked at the hologram labeled SEELE-01. "You dunno what I've had to sacrifice so's you can make everyone on the planet into a big...Tang...thing, an' what I've had to sacrifice more of so's I can do my OWN thing...an' the funniest thing about this, is my wife, a daughter of one of yur mos' senior members, stopped believin' in what you were sellin' way before she ever set foot in the purple people eater. She convinced me we were gonna screw you guys over, but she didn' tell me how! I mean, don' gemme wrong, I love her, but did she hafta leave me alone with th' kid? Sorry, tangent there...And if that weren't enough, fer the past several months I've had to deal with my base bein' haunted by ghosts an' other things that, last I checked, weren't s'posed to be real! They've been driving me crazy, screwin' up our operations, an' in addition, 'cause I dunno how, but they've even been screwin' with my dreams! I haven't gotten a good night's sleep for months, MONTHS, d'ya hear me? An' you still think I'm gonna lie down an' let ya waltz in here and get this party started like th' good lil' servant you think I am? Especially with th' tit-fer-tat we've had goin' on fur 'leven years? What I'm tryin' ta say is, you wan' Unit-01? The same thing my wife's stuck in? Well, la-di-FRICKIN'-da! Too bad, 'cause you sanctimonious coots ain't gettin' SHQWAT! Yur not gonna get it, 'cause I'm gonna start my own Third Impact without ya! You an' the resta th' world can burn, I'm gonna get my Yui back even if it kills me! So screw-frickin'-you!" The moment Gendo finished his rant, he collapsed out of his chair. A sheepish-looking Fuyutsuki then leaned forward, finger on the disconnect button.

"Gentlemen," he said as he pressed it, causing the hologram to fade out.

There was a long pause left among the assembled council members, before someone cleared their throats.

"That was...unexpected," SEELE-03 said. "*SIGH* At this point, we would be doing him a favor, putting him out of his misery."

"Indeed," Kihl concurred. "Very well, Ikari. You wanted to do this the hard way? Then the hard way is what you shall get..."

**Rei's apartment, that night...**

"So, where're you two off to?" Rei slyly asked her two spectral companions.

"Oh, I wanted to give Gendo one last terrible night's sleep before the 'big day' tomorrow," Naoko replied.

"Shoulda seen the way he blew up at the geezers while blitzed," Beetlejuice said smarmily. "When we're through, his hangover's gonna be even worse! *SNICKERS*"

"Hmmm...can I make a suggestion?" Rei asked. "Here's one that you and Beej can both collaborate on..."

**Gendo's bedroom, later that night...**

Gendo tossed and turned fervently, since Naoko and Beetlejuice were going to give him one hell of a nightmare yet again. What he didn't know was that this time, they'd gotten input from Rei for the theme. In his dream, Gendo noticed that he was bound at the wrists and ankles to a chair with duct tape, which also was over his mouth. He looked around at his surroundings, which turned out to be some kind of warehouse. He heard a sound, and saw Naoko-wearing a white dress shirt with a black tie, a shoulder holster, a black skirt, and black cowboy boots-lift one leg onto a workbench. She then removed a straight razor from a hidden pocket of the left boot and opened it up.

"Say, Gendo..." Naoko began to ask nonchalantly, "you ever listen to K-Beetle's "Super Sounds of the Seventies"?"

Gendo then noticed there was an old-looking radio on the workbench, which Naoko kneeled down to get a better look at.

"It's my personal favorite," Naoko said. She then turned the dial and then began to tune it till it was on the right station. The disguised voice of Beetlejuice soon came on over the speaker as Naoko then got up and walked past the nervous Gendo to another end of the room they were in. As she walked, she made a 'shaving motion' on her face with the razor, as if to tease Gendo.

"...Joe Egan and Gerry Rafferty were a duo known as 'Stealers Wheel' when they recorded this Dylan-esque pop/bubblegum favorite from April of 1974," Beetlejuice recounted. "That reached up to number five, as K-Beetle's 'Super Sounds of the Seventies' continues."

The song in question began to play as Naoko, looking over an unknown body slumped on its side, looked back up at Gendo with a wicked smile and then slowly stood up. She then did a bit of a jig as she headed back towards Gendo, at which point she began singing along with the song:

_"Well I don't know why I came here tonight..._

_I got the feelin' that somethin' ain't right..._

_I'm so scared, I guess I'll fall off my chair!_

_And I'm wonderin' how I'll get down the stairs..._

_Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,_

_Here I am, stuck in the middle with you..."_

Her dancing took her right in front of the bound and now-terrified Gendo, and at that moment, she lashed out with the razor, leaving a slash across Gendo's left cheek. Naoko leaned down and then gripped Gendo's face, as if she were trying to hold him still, while the song continued to play.

_**Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,**_

_**And I'm wonderin' what it is I should do...**_

_**It's so hard to keep the smile from my face...**_

_**Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place...**_

_**Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,**_

_**Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...**_

Naoko stood back up, holding Gendo's right ear in her hand, which she then showed to him as he uttered muffled cries of pain.

"Was that as good for you as it was for me?" Naoko teasingly asked. She then 'spoke' into the ear she now held. "Hey, what's goin' on?" She then looked back up at Gendo. "You hear that? Heh heh heh..." She then tossed the ear aside and wiped her fingers on Gendo's clothes. "Don't go anywhere-I'll be right back..."

"YAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Gendo screamed as he bolted awake, panting heavily as he felt with his hands to confirm that his ear was still attached. He frantically looked around his darkened bedroom, then down at his bedsheets. Thankfully, he'd remembered not to drink anything before bedtime, yet that still held little comfort for him as he collapsed back onto the bed, another night of sleep cinematically disturbed.

Naoko and Beetlejuice reconvened minutes later at Rei's place, where she was eagerly awaiting them.

"How'd it go?" the bluenette asked.

"Kinda gave me a small part there, kid," Beetlejuice said. "But yeah, pretty cool idea ya had." He then smiled a mocking smile. "Phantom pain's gonna be a bitch for him in the mornin'."

"I definitely underestimated you," Naoko said. "I thought I was the only one who appreciated Tarantino's underlying sense of humor."

Rei smiled and gave a slight shrug. "What can I say? He's black comedy's Hitchcock, no arguments there."

**END Chapter 17. **

****Author's Note(s)**  
Yep, we're almost there, to the ****_End of Evangelion_****...or at least MY take on it.**

**The discussion at Misato's apartment was, I admit, hard for me to write. If anyone's got any critiques or suggestions for improving it, I'm all ears.**

**The SEELE plot of using EVA as a vessel for godhood, with no lance to destroy them, comes from the 2003 ****_Neon Genesis Evangelion 2_**** game for the PlayStation 2.**

**Ritsuko's mention of SEELE feeling that 'humanity was too sick to survive' is lifted from the original ****_Ghostbusters_****, from the scene where the title characters discuss the history of Dana Barrett's apartment building while in jail. (Also makes it the second fic I've written where Rits quotes Harold Ramis. Funny, huh?)**

**I've been told often that one would have to be high to 'get' ****_2001: A Space Odyssey_****.**

**Bonus points to anyone who spots my little joke about a certain documentary on a certain species of flightless bird.**

**Rei once again invokes the catchphrase of the title character from ****_Sledge Hammer!_****.**

**Major Aaron Krohn is named after the voice actor who was the first English dub voice for Ryoji Kaji, in ADV's original dub of the TV series and the original two films.**

**Kensuke getting a group photo set up was inspired by JimmyWolk's classic story "The 2nd Try".**

**Gendo's rant to the SEELE council was inspired by the many loud rants of the title character from ****_Duckman_****, though more drunk-sounding.**

**Naoko and Beetlejuice's dream-time torture of Gendo, this time around, is based on an iconic scene from ****_Reservoir Dogs_****, with Naoko filling in for Michael Madsen.**

**Hold onto your seats, things are gonna get wild come next chapter...**


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 - Big Trouble in Little Tokyo-3**

It was very quiet in Tokyo-3. Too quiet. Then again, considering that the civilian population had left in droves due to an emergency evacuation order suddenly issued by NERV and the local government, it would be the case. Around NERV HQ, a number of civilian staff had also left, to minimize the number of casualties for the coming fight. Only a skeleton crew, plus security, was left to keep things running. They didn't know why they were on a First Level Alert, but they knew that it had to mean something bad was about to go down. They just didn't know what.

On the bridge, Makoto, Maya and Shigeru talked as the former two quietly and quickly brought him up to speed on the struggle to come. He was very shocked, to say the least.

"...And I thought all those conspiracy wackos I knew in high school were just, well, wackos," he said.

"If it helps, I thought the same thing when I got brought in on this," Makoto said in turn.

"If you told kid me that I'd wind up in a bizarre combination of kaiju movie and conspiracy thriller, I'd have called you crazy," Maya added.

Shigeru then took a moment to look around at the near-empty bridge, though the three of them were far from the only people present.

"I'm feelin' kinda sorry for the staff that evacuated," he mused. "They don't know the particulars, but this was definitely not in their job descriptions."

"I still can't believe a couple of SEELE plants managed to slip through the JDA's fingers," Maya said.

"Kaji was right in that they probably wouldn't have been able to get all of them," Makoto said, "but at least hopefully whatever initial forces they send our way will be weaker than they wanted."

Silence reigned for the next few minutes, until Maya broke it.

"We get out of this alive, you guys thought about what you want to do post-NERV?" she asked.

Makoto and Shigeru gave it some thought for a moment. In the end, the two of them just shrugged.

"Still thinking about it," Makoto replied.

"Same here," Shigeru answered. "You?"

"Got me right there too," Maya said.

At that moment, Ritsuko emerged from the MAGI terminal's crawlspace, a laptop in her hand, and joined the trio up top.

"Everything okay, doc?" Shigeru asked.

"Yes," Ritsuko said, nodding, "the last adjustments are made. And hopefully, NERV-2'll be ready on their end."

"Thank god we got them on our side," Maya said with relief.

**Video-conference call with NERV-2, two days earlier...**

What Misato and Ritsuko had informed Major Krohn and those under his command of had shocked them to the core. No one outside the room knew what had just been revealed to them, since they'd taken steps to ensure their impromptu inter-branch meeting wouldn't be monitored by any SEELE informants.

"This is...unbelievable..." Major Krohn lamented as Ritsuko finished speaking.

"I know it's hard to take in," Misato said, "but right now time's of the essence. NERV itself may have been formed to actually pave the way for Armageddon, but between our two branches, we might be able to prevent it, like we were always told. Can we count on you, Aaron?"

Major Krohn looked towards the assembled staff, from Dr. Kaga and his bridge crew to their resident EVA pilots, who all gave him approving nods of their heads. He then turned back to Misato and Ritsuko on the vid-screen.

"We've got your backs, Misato," he said, "we'll mobilize right away." He then saluted Misato, who returned it in kind. The two of them then signed off, as the screen went dark. Major Krohn then turned back to his staff.

"All right everyone, it's just as they said," he said as he addressed them. "Time isn't exactly on our side, so we'll need to move fast." He looked first at Marie and Mari. "With the go-ahead of our base commander, we'll be devoting all our manpower to sending NERV-Central reinforcements in EVA Units-04 and 05. I want the EVA carriers prepped and ready for rapid-response flight. Marie and Mari, you are to back up Units-00, 01, 02, and 03 once you reach Tokyo-3." He then turned to Dr. Kaga and the bridge crew. "Dr. Kaga, you and your staff will back up NERV-Central's MAGI system with our own. Make sure our efforts aren't discovered by the other branches-for all we know, SEELE's already got their claws sunk into them." He then pointed to his watch. "Our window's closing fast, people-let's move!"

**NERV HQ, the bridge, present time...**

"Do we know their estimated arrival time?" Ritsuko asked.

Makoto looked over at his monitor before answering. "At last check, within the next few hours."

"How do you think the kids are holding up?" Maya asked.

Ritsuko gave her a slightly solemn look. "When I last spoke to them, they seemed to be fine. But I know going up against other humans wasn't something they signed on for. Hopefully whatever defensive strategy Misato cooked up for them will work."

Shigeru then took another look around the command center. "Y'know, I just noticed-none of our spooky 'friends' have made a peep for a while," he said.

"I know," Makoto replied. "Kind of unnerving, actually."

"Then again, these things have proven to be unpredictable, so don't get your hopes up for a relatively 'normal' fight," Ritsuko warned.

**Outside the locker rooms, around the same time...**

Shinji and Asuka were outside the locker rooms, clad in their plugsuits, awaiting the time to mobilize their EVAs. Toji had already gone on ahead, while Rei had made her way to Lilith's chamber to, in her words, 'prepare Gendo's surprise'. The two of them sat on a bench, holding each other as they mentally prepared for what they were about to undertake.

"You scared?" Shinji asked.

For a moment, some of Asuka's old pride crept to the surface in her answer. "HA! No."

Shinji looked at her with a bit of incredulity. Asuka's expression fell a second later.

"...I'm freaking terrified," she admitted. "All the time I spent training to pilot an EVA, I didn't think I'd have to use it against human opponents someday."

Shinji smiled at her reassuringly. "We need to trust in Misato's plan. With any luck, nobody'll get hurt."

Asuka returned the smile. "Remember what you asked me before? If I thought about what I'd do after all this was over?"

"Uh, yeah," Shinji replied. "Why?"

"...I think I finally figured it out," she said.

"Really?" he asked. "What is it?"

"I wanna..." she started to say before the alarms started to go off around HQ. "DAMMIT! Couldn't they have picked a better time to start attacking us?!" She and Shinji then both got up from the bench and started making their way to the EVA cages, eventually arriving in no time flat.

"Yo! What took you guys?" Toji asked from Unit-03's speakers.

"Oh, buzz off!" Asuka barked back. "You'll know when you see Hikari next!" She then quickly turned to Shinji. "I love you," she imparted to him.

Shinji smiled back as he responded, "I love you too." The two of them then shared a quick kiss before they rushed up the gangways to their respective entry plugs. Once in, they were readied for launch.

Up on the bridge, the reports began coming in fast. Fuyutsuki and Gendo (recovering from his Tarantino-based nightmare and his hangover) had taken their positions a few minutes prior.

"Are they after the MAGI?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"Data entry from all external nodes," Shigeru reported as he looked at a monitor. "Confirmed-they're attempting to hack into the MAGI system!"

"Just as I thought," Fuyutsuki said. "Is it coming from MAGI-2 in Matsushiro?"

"Negative, it's at least four MAGI-type units outside Japan," Shigeru replied. "Hacking verified from Germany, China, Russia..."

"SEELE must be mustering all of their forces," Fuyutsuki surmised.

"Fortunately, we were waiting for this," Misato said, surprising the two commanders. She then turned to Makoto. "Have they got the signal?"

"Affirmative," Makoto replied. "NERV-2's received the signal and have linked their MAGI units with our own. The odds just got put in our favor a bit more." He then pointed to the main screen, where all witnessed the result of the combined efforts of NERV-Central and NERV-2's best computer whizzes. An avatar of a counter-virus appeared, in a very specific shape-a round, yellow circle with a single slice missing. The look of it wasn't lost on a few present.

"Pac-Man, Hyuga? Really?" Ritsuko asked incredulously.

"What? Satsuki and I both play it to relieve stress," Makoto said. Just then, a ping sounded off from his console.

"Status report?" Misato asked.

"Just confirmed," Makoto responded. "Someone in Tokyo-2's just issued Special Order A-801!"

"Just like Kaji predicted," Misato said to herself before she addressed the rest of the bridge crew. "You heard him, people! That just happened-NERV's special legal protection's been abolished, and all command's been transferred to the Japanese government! We're on our own now, so get moving, and prepare for any incursions!"

Up in the command perch, Fuyutsuki and Gendo stared down at the scene unfolding before them in surprise.

"How-how did they know these events would happen?" Gendo wondered astonishingly.

"I definitely didn't see this coming on our part," Fuyutsuki concurred, "but even so, the MAGI hacking is only the first skirmish. The bastards' main objective will still be a direct takeover of headquarters and the EVA units."

"Yes," Gendo replied as he held his head with his left hand. "With not only Lilith, but even Adam in our hands..."

"It's no wonder the old men are so worried," Fuyutsuki said.

Back on the lower part of the bridge, the enemy hacking attempts made it about halfway in a representation on the big screen, only for the NERV-Central and NERV-2 countermeasure to be triggered. Soon, the familiar sights and sounds of Pac-Man's movements could be seen and heard, as the Pac-Man-like avatar moved towards the enemy's avatar, causing it to move backward. Unfortunately for the enemy virus, it wasn't fast enough, and soon it was devoured by the not-Pac-Man whole. The familiar sound of what normally would be Pac-Man's demise was heard as the counter-viral imitation smiled and licked its lips as if it'd eaten a tasty treat, eliciting cheers from the staff.

"Hacking against the MAGI has been stopped," Maya reported. "I can only imagine the techs on the other ends didn't know what hit them."

"I take back everything I said, Hyuga," Ritsuko said as she congratulated him.

**The SEELE 'war room', at the same time...**

The way that NERV-Central had beaten back the hacking of the MAGI had definitely taken the SEELE council by great surprise.

"Impossible!" SEELE-06 decried. "They beat back our hacking efforts with a...with a cheap imitation of a video game! And with assistance from NERV-2 in the U.S., those ingrates!"

"*SIGH* It appears we'll have to forego acquisition of the MAGI," lamented SEELE-07.

"I had hoped to solve this with less...violent means, but that is not possible now," said Lorenz Kihl. "Give the order-initiate takeover of the entire headquarters directly, at once!"

**Outside Tokyo-3, at that moment...**

A JSSDF officer put his phone down after hearing the orders given. He then spoke into his radio as he relayed the order to the troops lying in wait.

"Commence operations as planned!" he commanded. Soon, soldiers began appearing out of the woodwork, aircraft flew overhead, and tanks and APC's began mobilizing and moving towards their target: the Geofront. As they got closer, they began firing volleys of missiles and other ordinance. The Geofront was about to become a battlefield again.

**NERV HQ, the bridge...**

"Radar sites 8 to 13 have gone dead!" a female operator reported.

"JSSDF tech battalion advancing through Goura defense perimeter!" Shigeru added.

"We've got a small battalion approaching from Gotemba!" Makoto said.

It was the same from the mouths of other operators. It did give a clear indicator that the forces sent by SEELE's pawns were of lesser strength than initially predicted, thanks in part to Kaji leading a JDA effort to clean out the other individuals that SEELE had their claws in throughout the central government. Still, it did little to assuage Fuyutsuki's worries.

"I guess that old saying has some truth," he lamented. "We have met the enemy, and it is us."

Gendo at that moment then gave the order. "General quarters-go to First Level Battle Stations!"

Maya sighed uneasily. "It's starting..."

"But hopefully, it'll end on a better note," Ritsuko said reassuringly.

**Geofront entrance, topside...**

A small squad of JSSDF troops made their way stealthily towards the entry gate to the Geofront, where to their eyes a lone guard stood at the ready. One of the troops quietly snuck up behind them and proceeded to stab the guard in the back with his knife. Yet to his surprise, the guard didn't slump over. In fact, said guard turned around, revealing himself to be already looking quite...dead. His face was rotten, with bits of skull showing, and his hands looked skeletal.

"What the hell are you doing?" the zombie guard asked with incredulity. The JSSDF squad was greatly surprised by the thing that stood in front of them that had just shrugged off a knifing.

"I mean really, stupid, you got this thing much too low," the zombie guard said as he pointed to the knife in his back. "It should be up at least a few more vertebrae."

The troops were dumbfounded. Not only had they encountered an honest-to-god zombie while infiltrating the Geofront, it was actually offering advice on where to properly land a killing stroke. All were hesitant about reporting this to their superiors, on the likely chance they wouldn't believe them at all. So they aimed their guns at the shambler and fired a couple of shots each, sending him to the ground. The lead troop then signaled them to follow, as they bypassed the gate and made their way inside. As the last of the group passed him by, the head of the zombie looked our way.

"Sheesh, some people just can't handle a little criticism," he said, rolling his eyes.

All across the other entrances, squads of JSSDF troops encountered the same thing, but opted to remain quiet out of concern for the sanity of their commanding officers, as they made their way inside the Geofront. Unfortunately for them, things only got weirder the further they ventured in.

All of this wasn't lost on the staff on the bridge, as they kept track of the movements of the enemy forces.

"Remember what I said about not expecting a 'normal' fight, Aoba?" Ritsuko reminded Shigeru.

"Point taken," he replied as he watched the troops bypass another zombie guard. "Y'know, now I'm kinda glad we're haunted. How about you guys?"

"Hey, look at this," Maya said as she pointed to one feed showing a squad attempting to enter by rail car. Said car was almost two thirds of the way to entering the Geofront when it was stopped by a very unexpected sight.

"What's going on? Why'd they stop?" Misato asked.

"Wait a sec..." Makoto started to say. "Is that a...?"

"A...tollbooth?" a surprised Ritsuko wondered.

"A..._phantom_ tollbooth?" Maya quizzically clarified.

Sure enough, to the bewilderment of the JSSDF detachment in the rail car, a spooky-looking tollbooth was right in front of them. A hand-shaped sign pointed them towards the coin slot, imploring them to pay to enter. The troops had tried simply going over the gate, but found themselves pushed back by some invisible wall.

"The Gaines-Ito Through-way?" the squad leader wondered as he read the sign. He then looked at the coin slot before looking to his troops. "(Can't believe I'm asking this) Anyone got any change?" The other squad members checked their pockets and came up with nothing, with a few even shrugging in confusion. "Dammit-all right, someone's gotta go back up topside and get a crapload of change!" A few members of the squad groaned in response, leading to a real-life tactical face-palm.

**The bridge...**

"Uh, Misato...?" Shinji asked over the comms from within Unit-01.

"How come we haven't seen any goon squads trying to kill us?" Asuka asked bluntly.

"...Not that we WANT them to..." Toji added.

Misato scratched her head as she answered them. "Believe it or not, they're being delayed."

"How?" Asuka asked.

Misato didn't answer at first, before replying with "Take a wild guess."

"Number three underground barricade destroyed! Enemy forces invading Level 2!" Shigeru reported.

"The JSSDF have committed almost an entire division..." Fuyutsuki warily observed. "It's only a matter of time before they take us over completely."

"Hold on...oh, man, you're not gonna believe this!" Shigeru said while pointing to a monitor nearby.

**A hallway within NERV HQ...**

One team had managed to get into the building and were making their way towards the EVA cages. When they'd gotten halfway towards the next hallway that would lead directly to the cages, they were met with a very astonishing and unusual obstacle, causing them to pause mid-stride. Standing before them was a smug-looking Beetlejuice, garbed (and with his face painted) like a medieval warrior from the Scottish highlands. Behind him was a small platoon of similarly-garbed undead warriors.

"Ye can take our afterlives..." he started to shout in a Scottish accent as he drew his sword and rose into the air, "but ye cannae take away our freeeeedom!"

The other Scottish ghouls followed his lead and drew their own swords, as they shouted "Alba gu bra!" and charged at the JSSDF team. Taken aback by the advancing undead, the squad leader decided quickly that discretion was the better part of valor.

"Fall back! Everyone fall back!" he shouted as he gave the order to retreat, which the rest of the team heeded right away as they ran off the way they came, firing off some shots to delay the marauders. _Geezus, they don't pay us enough for this...!_ he thought to himself.

The crew on the bridge witnessed the whole thing.

"Saved by a bunch of kilt-wearing zombies...and it's not even noon," a gobsmacked Misato said.

"Uh, Major, you might want to look at this," said Makoto as he pointed to another monitor, showing another wing of HQ that led to the EVA cages.

Another JSSDF squad had gotten that far as well, but just when they were about to reach their destination, they stopped when a strange-looking man stood in their way. Again it was Beetlejuice, only this time sporting some tousled yet gelled hair, a chainsaw for a right hand, and a 12-gauged, double-barreled Remington shotgun in his left hand. He was wearing a torn pinkish collared shirt with a number of straps across his chest and back. At his back were a group of undead warriors, this time reflecting a more English medieval motif.

"Wait, is that...?" Misato started to ask.

"Ash Williams and a bunch of Deadites?" Maya finished. Everyone looked at her like she'd grown another head.

"What? _Evil Dead's_ one of my guilty pleasures," she admitted.

The JSSDF squad drew their weapons at Ash-juice and company, preparing to fire. Ash-juice, in turn, merely smirked and shot at the feet of the squad leader, causing her to jump back.

"See this?!" he asked as he held his shotgun above his head. "THIS, is my BOOM STICK!" He then pointed it at the squad. "Get 'em, boys!"

The Deadites then unleashed a battle cry as they drew their weapons and charged at the squad, forcing them to beat a speedy retreat back the way they came.

"Uh, Rits-what time is it?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko looked at her watch. "Five to noon. Why?"

"Oh, no reason..." Misato answered back as she looked to another monitor. "OH-kaaayyy, now I've seen everything."

As the bridge staff watched, in yet another wing of HQ a JSSDF squad faced opposition from an unusual newcomer. It was Beetlejuice again, though this time, it was multiple Beetlejuices. All were dressed in the same way: pink-ish flannel shirts with bandoliers slung across the left shoulder, black-and-white striped jeans, mullet hairstyles, and pairs of Ray Ban sunglasses on their faces. Each had a revolver tucked into their pants, a nightstick tucked into a loop on the back of their belts, and a single-barrel shotgun held in their right hands.

"You're kidding, now they're ripping off _They Live_?" Shigeru wondered back on the bridge. "THIS is just stretching it."

The Beetlejuices smirked at the JSSDF squad cockily as they raised their weapons.

"We have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass," they all said simultaneously, as they cocked their shotguns, drawing worried looks from the opposing squad. "And we're all outta bubblegum."

The Beetlejuices then shot at the feet of the squad, making them jump back and quickly turn around, with the BJ's in pursuit.

**The bridge...**

Up in the command perch, Gendo was looking more and more worried and paranoid. The battle with the JSSDF wasn't turning out at all like he expected, and if this could happen to SEELE's puppet armies, it could happen to him too. He abruptly got up from his chair and turned to Fuyutsuki.

"This doesn't matter anymore," he said to his former professor. "I don't know about you, but I'm not taking any chances. I've got to put the scenario into motion!"

Fuyutsuki looked at his former student confusedly. "Ikari, what are you-?"

"Fuyutsuki, take care of things here," a now manic-sounding Gendo ordered, handing over command. "I've got a date with the Second Angel, if you'll excuse me." He took a quick moment to look around at Central Dogma, as if for one last time. "It's quite a ship we've built, old friend-I think you should go down with it." He then turned and quickly began making his way to the elevator to Terminal Dogma. "Goodbye!"

"Ikari? Ikari! Where are you-?" Fuyutsuki called after him. "My god, of all times for you to lose it..." He then glanced upwards for a moment. "Yui, forgive me, I couldn't stop him..."

Back on the lower bridge, the staff was astonished by how the tide of the battle was turning. In every part of HQ, the JSSDF squads were being turned back by the very same ghosts, ghouls and other freaks that had run amok for the past several months within their walls. They then began to notice something peculiar about the way they were being driven back.

"Hang on, something just occurred to me," Misato observed. Then a lightbulb went off for her. "The JSSDF troops-they're being herded back up!"

"What? Why?" Ritsuko wondered.

"For once, I don't have a clue," Misato answered. "But we'll worry about that later. Right now, I think it's time we put the fear of God into the armored divisions topside." She then called up the EVA pilots on the comms. "You guys ready?"

"Ready!" Shinji, Asuka and Toji replied.

"Evangelions, launch!" Misato ordered. Soon, the catapults went into motion and sent Units-01, 02, and 03 topside, where they landed some yards in front of the main building.

**JSSDF command post, Mt. Futagoyama...**

From what few urgent communiques the division commander was receiving from his troops, things weren't going the way they'd intended. Halfway into their infiltration and storming of the Geofront and NERV HQ, troops were suddenly being driven back by rejects from a horror movie-and not even one titled _The Devil's Rejects_.

"This is more difficult than expected," the commander observed.

"We never get the easy jobs," his sub-commander lamented. "I mean, sure, we've had our fair share of difficult ops, but this just takes the cake!"

**Terminal Dogma, cloning lab...**

Rei stood in front of the empty, LCL-filled tank that once held her other counterparts, doing tricks with a yo-yo, feeling quite bored. She then looked at her watch.

"Hmmm, Gendo should be here right about...now," she said, just as the aforementioned ex-NERV commander stopped at the threshold of the lab, panting.

"Rei...*huff* I thought *huff* you'd *huff* be here," Gendo said, winded from his mad dash to Terminal Dogma. _God, I'm out of shape,_ he thought to himself.

Rei turned and looked at him, faking a neutral, emotionless expression on her face. "Of course," she said in a monotone fashion. "The promised time has come. Let us go."

With that, the two of them headed towards the Chamber of Gauf.

**The bridge...**

"Have you given top priority to isolating Terminal Dogma?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"Already taken care of," Makoto replied. "Though I wonder why they didn't just try to blow up Central Dogma."

"They can't-they'd take out the MAGI in the process," Ritsuko said.

"At least they're not using BC weapons," Shigeru noted. "Didn't exactly prepare a defense against that."

"Same with N2 weapons," Maya added. Just then, a large explosion was heard. After managing to get camera access back online, the staff saw what it was: the Geofront had been opened up by the dropping of an N2 warhead.

"You just HAD to say that," Shigeru said as he eyed Maya.

"Aren't they being a bit overkill?" Makoto asked.

"Playing rough, aren't we?" Fuyutsuki said as he cynically smirked.

**The office of the Japanese prime minister, a couple of minutes later...**

"Those idiots!" the Prime Minister shouted. "Thanks to them, the phone lines are dead!"

"Yes, sir," his secretary said. "Ballistic warhead impact was confirmed three minutes ago."

The Prime Minister grumbled as he turned to the other person in his office at that moment.

"So these are the lengths SEELE will go to," he said. "Attacking innocent people, just to initiate Third Impact...the mere thought sends shivers down my spine."

Kaji nodded at the Prime Minister's statement. "Compare them to some of the worst dictators of history, and there'd be no contest," he said.

"What will we do now?" the Prime Minister asked.

Kaji looked out the window towards the direction of Tokyo-3. "Hard to believe, but it's now all on a group of kids to turn the tide...and prevent the end of the world in the process. Still, we have to believe in them."

The secretary shook her head. "Jesus Christ, when did life turn into a shonen mecha anime...?" she asked rhetorically.

**The Geofront...**

The three EVAs had ducked out of the way as the hole had been blown in the Geofront, pushing their AT-Fields to the max. They then quickly got back on their feet as they saw the advancing armored column heading their way. Shinji turned on Unit-01's speakers as he addressed the column.

"Attention all JSSDF troops!" Shinji said. "Stop your advance and turn around. We do NOT want to harm you in any way. Our AT-Fields, if not our 12,000 plates of special armor, are impervious to artillery fire, you cannot harm us! Turn back now and we can settle this peacefully."

_Good job, Shinji,_ Yui thought to herself from within Unit-01's core. _Just like we rehearsed..._

"In other words," Asuka started to say through Unit-02's speakers, "SCRAM, or we'll treat you like a bunch of cheap GI Joes!"

"ASUKA!" Kyoko chided from within Unit-02's core.

"...Sorry," Asuka sheepishly apologized. "It's been a pretty tense morning, okay?"

At that, the JSSDF troops and their vehicles immediately began to back away in retreat, not even bothering to make an attempt to sever the EVAs' power cables.

**The SEELE war room...**

The SEELE council was further incensed by the way the battle was going.

"*HHHHHH* First our troops are driven back by ghosts, and now the loathsome Evangelions..." Kihl muttered. "Do they stand in our way yet again? It seems we must fight fire with fire..."

**NERV HQ, the bridge...**

"Radar's picked up nine bogies closing in!" Makoto reported with alarm.

"Are they what I think they are?" Misato asked.

"Affirmative," Makoto replied. "The specifications fit. They're EVA carriers."

"Then that means..." Misato began to say.

"The EVA series..." Asuka finished. "They're here..."

**END Chapter 18.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
This is almost the end...Almost the end, my friend(s), the end...**

**Yes, the two allied NERV branches beat back the hacking of the MAGI using Pac-Man. Gotta get my laughs where I can.**

**Mel Brooks gets riffed on in a few instances here. The zombie guard giving advice to the JSSDF squad, and Gendo telling Fuyutsuki to 'go down with the ship', comes from ****_Spaceballs_****; the tollbooth bit is lifted from ****_Blazing Saddles._**

**Said tollbooth, as described by Maya, is described as such in a riff on Jules Feiffer's 1961 children's book ****_The Phantom Tollbooth._**

**The name of the through-way is a portmanteau of Maxwell Gaines, the founder of EC Comics, known for its array of horror and crime comic books; and Junji Ito, legendary horror manga-ka.**

**Beetlejuice adopts the guises of, and paraphrases, three different iconic movie heroes when he and his armies drive off the troops: William Wallace from ****_Braveheart_****, Ash Williams from the ****_Evil Dead _****franchise, and Nada the drifter from ****_They Live_****.**

**Coming soon: a climax that'll leave you astounded!...I hope...**


	20. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19 - Neither a Bang nor a Whimper...but a Fiesta!**

The EVA pilots and the staff on the bridge were stunned at the appearance of SEELE's nine last resorts flying into view. The EVA series, units 06 through 14, fully-completed, began to deploy from their individual carriers and made their descent into the Geofront. They were truly the most hideously-designed EVAs: they had black and-white armor, eyeless heads with red-lipped rictus grins, and deployable wings on their backs, which they used to glide down to the floor of the Geofront. Each one carried a weapon resembling a giant, gray, dual-bladed heavy spear. They almost looked like a flock of bipedal birds of prey. The mere sight of them proved to be unnerving for all who witnessed their descent.

"They actually did it..." Fuyutsuki lamented. "They've deployed all nine Mass Production Units."

"Hyuga?" Misato asked.

"Confirmed," Makoto replied as he pulled up the specs. "They're everything we were worried about."

"All equipped with S2 organs and a dummy plug," Maya added as she examined the specs, which she and Ritsuko had managed to swipe using the MAGI a few days prior.

"Dummy plug? But how'd they get it operational?" Shigeru asked.

"They probably based the thought patterns off of Kaworu Nagisa," Makoto theorized. "But if all nine of them are here..."

"It can only mean one thing," Ritsuko solemnly began to say, as she looked up to Fuyutsuki.

"Yes..." the former professor indicated. "They really plan to initiate it here."

Soon all the MP EVAs had landed, and began moving towards Units-01, 02, and 03. Misato immediately spoke into the comms.

"Guys, listen up," she said to the pilots, "You must destroy all of the EVA series. It's the only way to keep SEELE from starting Third Impact on their own. Under no circumstances are you to let them fly off with Unit-01, so stick together and fight them off as a team. With any luck, Units-04 and 05 will join you soon. Right now, we're sending a couple of weapons lockers your way. Stand by, and get ready to move on my signal. Understood?"

"Roger," all three pilots replied.

Sure enough, a couple of weapons lockers were deployed to the surface, and the three EVAs quickly dashed over to them and started arming themselves: Unit-01 with a pallet rifle, Unit-02 with a prog-glaive, and Unit-03 with a grenade launcher and a pistol. They then saw the pace of the MP EVAs quicken as they got closer. The three NERV EVAs then readied themselves.

"NOW!" Misato shouted. At her signal, two of the three EVAs began unleashing volleys of fire at the MP EVAs. While a few of the white beasts shrugged off the salvo, two took a few shots to the head and slumped over.

"Yeah! Two down!" Toji shouted triumphantly.

"Don't get cocky," Misato warned. "These things are equipped with S2 engines. They're gonna be hard to kill."

Soon enough, the two MP's that went down started getting back up. They then rejoined the rest and began pointing their spears forward.

"Be careful of those spears!" Ritsuko warned the pilots, "if my guess is correct, they're probably replicas of the Lance of Longinus-you won't stand a chance if they hit you!"

"As if you could make us feel more pressured?!" an irate Asuka replied. "Guys, switch to melee weapons, it might help us last longer!"

"Right!" both Shinji and Toji replied as they grabbed some prog-blade weapons of their own. Like the Three Musketeers, the trio parried each blow of the MP's weapons. The odds still weren't good, considering it was nine-on-three...

**Terminal Dogma, the Chamber of Gauf, around the same time as the MP EVAs' descent...**

Gendo and Rei had at last arrived in the presence of Lilith. Both looked up at the white giant on the metal cross, before Gendo turned to Rei.

"Adam and I are now as one," a now-desperate-looking Gendo said as he took off his right glove, revealing the embryonic Adam in his palm. "For this is the only way to be with Yui again: the forbidden joining of Adam and Lilith."

Rei merely stared back at Gendo. He was too frazzled to notice that she was still clothed, but in his current mental state, he didn't care.

"Let's begin, Rei..." Gendo commanded as he reached out with his Adam-ized palm towards her chest. "Release your AT-Field, the barrier of your heart. Complement your imperfect heart, leave your useless body...Merge all souls into one...and then, take me to Yui's side..."

Suddenly, as the Adam palm was within a few inches of the left side of Rei's chest, it was repelled as it appeared to 'bounce' off, as a cartoonish 'boing' was heard. Gendo and even Adam were astonished.

"Huh-WHA?!" Gendo let out. He and Adam looked at each other, speechless, before turning back to Rei, who still stood there, her face betraying no emotion. They then reached out to try again, but the Adam palm was again repelled, confounding them further. They tried on the right side of Rei's chest, but it still happened. It was like trying to make the same poles of two magnets stick together, but it wouldn't work-plus wouldn't attract plus, minus wouldn't attract minus. Gendo and Adam were now flabbergasted.

"Wha-what the hell's going on here?!" he wondered in a panic. "Why isn't it working?!"

Rei continued to look up at Gendo. "Is something wrong?" she asked in monotone. "You said to begin. The time is now, after all..." The moment she said that, she let her mask slip fully off as a mischievous grin appeared on her face. "...NOT!"

Gendo was taken aback by this sudden change in Rei's demeanor, as was Adam. "R-Rei? What are you-? What's-?!"

"Yeeeaaahhh, something tells me your little 'scenario' probably can't be started..." Rei started to say in an amused manner, "...when your key's lacking an S2 organ!" She then giggled gleefully at how much of an effect this revelation was having on the increasingly-confused ex-commander of NERV.

"Y-you...don't have your S2 organ?!" Gendo asked. "You mean you're...fully human? But how-?"

"You can thank me for that," a new voice answered from out of nowhere.

Gendo and Adam's eyes went wider as they saw Naoko phase up through the floor.

"One of the perks of a ghostly state of being? The capability of making much-needed surgeries that much easier," Naoko said, with a schadenfreude-laden smile on her face.

"Just like getting your appendix out," Rei added. "Minus the scar, thank god. As for my former S2 organ...we stuck it some place where it'll be more useful: right in Unit-00."

Gendo's jaw hit the floor at hearing that. If Adam had a jaw at the moment, it'd be there too.

"You...it's been you two this whole time, hasn't it?!" Gendo asked, as he began to put the pieces together. "You're the reason my scenario's...?"

"Totally bupkis?" Rei smugly finished. "Yeah, pretty much. And why SEELE's scenario will be completely derailed soon."

"Though we can't take all the credit for making all this possible," Naoko said as she motioned towards the edge of the LCL lake below Lilith's feet. "We did have quite the partner, after all..."

"Indeed you did," said a new voice in a Germanic accent.

Gendo turned towards the sound of that voice, as he saw a newcomer walk towards them. It was Beetlejuice, but in yet another guise of a famous character. He wore a black-and-white-striped bodysuit, slightly covered in pinkish robes. On his feet were pinkish shoes, and on his head was a black-and-white metallic headband. A matching belt was around his waist, and hanging from his shoulders was a pinkish cape that connected to his robes.

Though the colors weren't the same, Gendo recognized the style of the getup immediately. He'd seen it only once before, worn by a character in a book he'd read during his college years:

Ozymandias, the mastermind of _Watchmen_.

"Y-you! I've seen you before!" Gendo said warily, his pointing left hand shaking. "Every time I've gone to my office, for the past several months..."

"Among other instances, yes," Beetlemandias replied. "Of that, there is little to discuss." He soon stood between Naoko and Rei, as Gendo finally realized they were all in on it together.

"I'm surprised you didn't figure it out earlier," Naoko said. "After all, of all the flaws in your scenario-and SEELE's-you never accounted for the possibility...of vengeance from beyond the grave."

"When Naoko approached me, she made me a very tantalizing offer when it came to you and yours," Beetlemandias said. "You indeed proved to be an interesting challenge, one that I can say I am quite satisfied with overcoming." He then approached Gendo slowly. "Neutralizing the psychological aspects of your plans proved to be an intriguing task in and of itself. While I helped the woman you manipulated into becoming your 'Ahab' find love again and drove your mistress away from you, Rei-the girl you fashioned to be your puppet-helped your son and the Second Child work to overcome their respective insecurities." He paused for a moment as he looked Naoko's way. "Torturing you alongside Naoko proved to be quite amusing as well. How did that old saying go? Ah, yes-'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'."

"Oh, it was nothing," Naoko said as she began listing off on her fingers. "I definitely got a great kick out of shooting you, hacking you to pieces with an ax, slashing you with a razor..."

"Don't leave out my contribution," Rei chimed in. "I AM the reason he's not gonna be joining the 'hair club for men' any time soon."

Gendo grew even more shocked on hearing that admission. "Y-You...made me bald?!"

"And clean-shaven," Rei added. "Let's face it, Abe Lincoln called, he wanted his beard back." She chuckled at her own joke immediately after saying it.

Gendo was speechless again for a brief moment. Then he spoke again.

"This...this wasn't supposed to happen," he lamented. "I was supposed to beat the old men at their own game...I was supposed to reunite with Yui..."

"By psychologically-scarring innocent children, including your own son-_my brother_?" Rei asked.

"By manipulating and using others, like Professor Fuyutsuki, like Major Katsuragi...like myself and my daughter?" Naoko added.

"By bringing catastrophe upon the world, not once, but twice, in the span of a decade and five years?" Beetlemandias said.

"Therefore, you see," Rei began to say. "In order to save the world...we had to trick its would-be destroyers..."

"...And scare one of them completely out of their wits," Naoko finished. "You."

Gendo was gobsmacked. He then looked fervently at Lilith on the metal cross, and then at Adam in his palm.

"No, no, I can still do this," he said in desperation. "I can still pull off the forbidden union myself. I don't care what becomes of me."

At that instant, Beetlemandias let out a full-on hearty laugh, further confusing the former commander.

"Gendo, Gendo, Gendo, you silly, deluded fool," Beetlemandias said, "I'm not an emotionally-crippled rube from some depressing Gainax anime." He then walked towards a concrete post to his right as he continued. "Do you seriously think you'd be able to pull off your so-called 'masterstroke' if there remained the slightest chance of it coming to pass?" he asked as he gripped a part of what turned out to be a concrete-colored tarp. "Especially with me having inserted myself into the course of events?" He then yanked the tarp off of what turned out to be a holographic projector. "Lilith left this chamber thirty-five minutes ago."

He then turned the projector off, causing the image of Lilith to vanish, revealing an erstwhile unoccupied metal cross. Gendo was absolutely, completely, utterly shocked. It was true: all his plans, his manipulations, his double-dealing-all of it had now been effectively flushed down the drain. And all at the hands (living or dead) of two of the women he'd wronged in his life (plus a very uncouth, very unorthodox ghost).

**The Geofront, topside, around the same time...**

It was becoming an increasingly Sisyphean situation for the three EVA pilots. The Mass Production EVAs weren't giving them any wiggle room to try and go for the cores, and had backed them more and more into something of a corner. Each time Shinji, Asuka or Toji knocked one down, it'd get back up.

"These freaks aren't letting up!" Toji decried.

"Gee, ya think, Captain Obvious?!" Asuka sarcastically replied as she took a whack at another MP EVA.

"Where's our backup?!" a worried Shinji asked.

All of a sudden, static crackled on their comms, and soon a new voice was heard.

"GERONIMOOOOOO!"

Two large objects landed a few feet away from the fight, shaking the ground and temporarily knocked the combatants slightly off-balance. When the dust cleared, the three pilots looked with surprise at the new arrivals. They were the reinforcements they'd been waiting for.

"Are those-?" Shinji started to ask.

"Unit-04 and Unit-05!" Asuka said excitedly. "They're here!"

Toji took a moment to look at the newly-arrived EVAs. Unit-04 looked like a mostly-silver-colored version of his own Unit-03. Unit-05, the light gray and green-colored provisional model, was a different thing altogether: its upper body looked like a regular EVA, though its arms were fully mechanical, with hands were 'claws', the right of which was holding a large spear similar to the kind of lance used by a jousting knight. Its lower body consisted entirely of prosthesis, with each of its "legs" being four appendages each equipped with a wheel at their end, and thrusters to help it maneuver.

Two vid-screens then popped up in the three pilots' entry plugs, revealing Marie Vincennes in Unit-04 and Mari Makinami in Unit-05.

"Long time no see, Asuka!" Marie greeted. "Sorry we're late, had a bit of a layover on the way in!" She then turned her attention to Shinji. "This your boyfriend? You snagged a real cute one here!"

Shinji blushed at hearing that.

"Nice to see you too, but now's not the time for flirting!" Asuka replied. She then took a look at Mari. "'Illustrious'," she greeted.

"'Princess,'" Mari greeted in turn, with a Cheshire Cat-like grin. "How 'bout we show these pasty-faced, knock-off sons o' bitches how we do things downtown?"

"Definitely like the sound of that!" Asuka answered. She then quickly jumped to one of the weapons lockers and tossed Marie a prog-glaive, which the Fourth Child caught as she jumped over a few of the MP EVAs while Mari crashed through another few to join the others. Shinji and Toji quickly stuck a couple of power cables into the backs of Units-04 and 05, causing their power gauges to return to 'full'.

Back on the bridge, the staff breathed a sigh of relief upon the arrival of the two human-controlled EVAs. Misato took a look up at a speechless Fuyutsuki.

"I'd say we're close to evening the odds a bit more, don't you think?" she asked the former professor.

**The Chamber of Gauf...**

"Sounds like a couple of more guests just joined the party," Naoko said as she looked upward, before looking back at Gendo. "Your so-called subordinates were smart enough to get NERV-2 on their side, who in turn sent Units-04 and 05. They should prove to put up more of a fight against the EVA series now."

"And something tells me I should join them," Rei chimed in. "Wouldn't want to miss out on all the fun." With that she started walking out of the Chamber. As she passed by Gendo, she paused mid-step to further pour salt in the wound.

"By the way, 'daddy dearest'..." she began to say right into his ear, "I just wanted to let you know: I stopped being your 'doll' a long time ago. See ya!" She then continued on her way. Gendo didn't seem to register her words, until he started hearing her singing a peculiar song.

_"I've got no strings,_

_To hold me down,_

_To make me fret,_

_Or make me frown._

_I had strings,_

_But now I'm free._

_There are no strings on me!"_

She continued singing even long after she'd exited the Chamber as she broke into a run to the elevator, leaving Gendo alone with only Naoko and Beetlejuice, who'd returned to his regular form a minute before.

"We'd better be going too, Gendo dear," Naoko said, "considering we've got some additional steps to take in order to end the battle upstairs."

"But before we do..." Beetlejuice started to say, "here's a lil' somethin' fer the road."

At that, both Beetlejuice and Naoko shape-shifted into some very terrifying forms that growled, forms so scary that they couldn't be described in this single sentence. Gendo's eyes, and that of the thing in the palm of his right hand, went as wide as dinner plates. Only one sound was heard between the two of them:

**"HOAHLY SMOKES!"**

Gendo, confused, looked to where the sound had come from, revealed to be Adam in his palm. What Adam did next astounded him even further-the embryonic form of the First Angel sprouted a pair of tiny arms and proceeded to pry itself right out of Gendo's palm, landing on the ground on newly-sprouted legs. Adam then pointed up at Gendo with its left arm.

**"SCREW YOU, MAN!"** the First Angel said. **"I'M OUTTA HERE!"**

Adam then grabbed a small suitcase, donned a tiny porkpie hat, and then grabbed a handwritten sign that said 'Cleveland or bust!'. It then ran like hell out of the Chamber of Gauf, to parts (at this time) unknown. The still-stunned Gendo didn't move an inch, even after Naoko and Beetlejuice 'waved goodbye' as they floated to the surface, leaving him alone. Then, finally, Gendo made a sound.

First it was a mere chuckle. Then it grew louder, turning into laughter. A manic grin appeared on Gendo's face as he then was beset by uncontrollable, hysterical laughter while he fell to his knees. It'd finally happened: Gendo Ikari, mastermind of a plot to hijack another masterminded plot to wipe out the human race, all in the name of reuniting with his late wife...had finally cracked, his marbles fully lost.

**The Geofront, topside, a few minutes later...**

The battle against the EVA series had gotten a bit better for the pilots, but the SEELE-controlled scourges still wouldn't go down easily.

"Whose bright idea was it to give these things S2 engines?!" an irritated Marie asked rhetorically as she beat back a thrust of one MP EVA's spear.

"We gotta be wearin' them down somehow!" Toji complained while trading blows with his own opponent, "'Cause I'm really gettin' tired of havin' to 'Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!' over and over again!"

"You kidding?! I'm havin' the time of my life right here!" Mari excitedly shouted while she whacked her foe with abandon.

Shinji and Asuka fought as one, back-to-back, as both said the same thing in sync: "Any time now, Rei..."

"Someone say my name?" came a voice over the shared comms.

The door to a nearby EVA bay then opened up, and Unit-00 shot out, a prog-axe in its hands. Blasting out of its speakers was the sound of Brian May's guitar, as a certain "Battle Theme" started playing.

Shinji could've sworn he heard his mom cheer upon hearing that, and he was right.

"WHOO! That's DEFINITELY my girl!" Yui shouted from within Unit-01's core, startling Shinji in the plug. It was certainly an odd time for him to learn that his mom's favorite guilty pleasure movie was _Flash Gordon_.

Unit-00 landed in the middle of the fight and immediately went to town on one of the MP EVA's, bisecting it with one swift stroke, and taking out the core in the process. The arrival of the blue EVA wasn't lost on the NERV-2 pilots.

"Who's that?!" Mari asked.

"Is she the First Child?!" Marie also wondered.

Shinji smiled wide. "More than that," he said with pride. "She's my sister!"

Cheers erupted from within Central Dogma, as the tide of the battle was turning much more favorably for the staff gathered. On the other side of the globe, within SEELE's war room, the council's feelings were more on the opposite end, as they viewed the footage being captured by one of their spy planes.

"YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!" Kihl decried. "This isn't supposed to happen!"

The other pilots, their morale given a significant boost, lashed out at their foes with renewed vigor. Soon enough, what were once nine Mass Production EVAs had now been reduced to three, all of which were now surrounded by the sextet of NERV's EVAs. Each gripped its weapon, warily eyeing the multi-colored foes they were facing.

"Whaddya think?" Asuka asked. "Take 'em out all at once, or take turns...?"

Mari licked her lips in anticipation.

**The bridge...**

Makoto noticed something on one of his monitors that caused him to get Misato's attention.

"Major! Outside the main entrance!" he said as he pointed to the monitor.

Misato took a look, and saw that all the JSSDF troops that had been herded topside were now all together. It appeared they'd taken some time to regroup, and were now preparing for an all-out assault to get into HQ as they formed up on the front door.

"Oh, crap! I forgot about them!" Misato said.

**The battlefield...**

The six EVAs readied their weapons as they stared down the three remaining MP EVAs. Just then, Rei spoke up.

"Leave 'em be for now," she said.

This surprised the rest of her compatriots.

"WHAT?!" Shinji asked.

"You serious?!" followed Toji.

"_ZUR HöLLE?!_" added Asuka.

"WHY?!" both Marie and Mari wondered.

Rei simply smiled. "'Cause my partners and I have a special demise planned for them. Turn on the feed at HQ and you'll see what I mean."

"How?!" the other five pilots asked.

"With three little words..." Rei replied, her smile widening. Said three words were something nobody saw coming at all:

**"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE!"**

At that instant, a puff of purple smoke appeared in front of the entrance to the main building of HQ, right before the astonished eyes of the assembled JSSDF troops. The smoke dissipated to reveal Beetlejuice, a big, smarmy grin on his face.

The staff watching from the bridge were surprised by the appearance of the newcomer.

"Who _the hell_ is that?!" wondered Misato.

"Wait, those eyes..." noticed Ritsuko.

"That grin..." Maya added.

"Those stripes..." said Makoto, "Haven't we seen them somewhere before?"

Everyone's eyes went wide when they realized that, yes, they had indeed.

Outside, the troops raised and cocked their weapons as they aimed at Beetlejuice. Unfazed by their threatening gestures, Beetlejuice shrugged.

"Sorry, folks...it's showtime!" he said as he waved a pair of jazz hands. He then raised his left hand upward. "Sorry/not sorry for stealin' Jim Carrey's bit, so...HIT IT!" He then snapped his fingers.

The moment he did, the three MP EVAs froze, and then stood straight up at the sound of an odd 'sproing!', dropping their weapons in the process. Except for Rei, the five pilots merely said one word:

"HUH?!"

Beetlejuice snapped his fingers again, and soon on the bridge, radar picked up a large object heading towards the Geofront.

"Major! Bogie coming in fast!" Makoto reported. He then put it up on the monitor. The shape of the rapidly-approaching object soon became apparent to Fuyutsuki.

"It can't be..." he said. "The Lance of Longinus?"

Sure enough, the original Lance of Longinus appeared on the battlefield, where it quickly turned upright, its prongs pointing skyward. Then, to the astonished eyes of those who saw it, the Lance transformed. It seemingly split into two halves, while a bar appeared between the prongs. It then lodged itself into the ground a few feet away from the EVAs.

"No way," Shigeru said.

"Did it just turn into...?" Toji started to ask.

"...A limbo stick?!" Shinji finished.

The jaws of every other pilot (save Rei) and everyone in the command center dropped.

Beetlejuice then snapped his fingers again. To the right of the front door of HQ, a large bandstand occupied by a very undead-looking band appeared in a puff of purple smoke. At the same time, Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya vanished from the bridge in similar puffs of smoke, and reappeared to the left of the entrance. To their astonished eyes, their clothes had been transformed, leaving them looking like a trio of Miami Beach party girls circa 1988. Beetlejuice then snapped his fingers a final time.

When he did, the three MP EVAs started doing something nobody on either side expected-they started to dance and sing. And not just any song...

_**"Ole oleeee, ole ole...**_

_**Ole oleeee, ole ole..."**_

The band started playing, causing Misato, Ritsuko and Maya to start dancing, the looks on their faces appearing to be horrified. None of them expected to fall under this kind of spell again, not since the calypso incident before the 11th Angel attacked. A spotlight turned and focused on Beetlejuice, who'd undergone a little wardrobe change of his own. His hair had been slicked back and styled into a pompadour, and his normally rumpled and haggard suit had turned into a neatly-pressed and clean striped tuxedo. A full martini glass appeared in his left hand, as he then launched fully into the song as well.

**"FiiiiiESTAAAA! HA HA!"**

The band was now in full swing. Among the soldiers, a few actually started to tap their toes, slowly being entranced by the beat.

_**Me mind on fire! Me soul on fire, feeling hot hot hot!**_

NERV's own EVA's soon started to get into the groove themselves, much to the surprise of all but two pilots: Rei and Mari.

_**Party people, all around me, feeling hot hot hot!**_

The jaws of every staff member on the bridge, and on the other side of the world in SEELE's war room, continued to hang open as they witnessed what was going on.

**_What to doooo, on a night like this?_**

**_Music sweet - I can't resist!_**

**_We neeeeeed a party song; a fuuuunnndamental jam!_**

_**So we go rum-bum-bum-bum!**_

_**Yeah, we rum-bum-bum-bum!**_

_**Feeling hot hot hot - Feeling hot hot hot - **_**oh LORD!**

[Brass bridge]

Misato/Ritsuko/Maya [not of their own volition]: _**We ba-rum-bum-bum-bum...**_

As they continued to watch on their monitors, Makoto and Shigeru could've sworn that they saw Bill Murray, a cocktail mixer in-hand, carousing through the throng of soldiers.

_**See people rocking! Hear people chanting! Feeling hot hot hot!**_

At this point, a lot of the soldiers began to give up the ghost and join in on the fun.

_**Keep up this spirit! Come on let's do it! Feeling hot hot hot!**_

_**It's in the aaaiiiir, celebration time!**_

_**Music sweet - captivate your mind!**_

_**We haaaavvvve this party song; this fuuuunnndamental jam!**_

_**So we go rum-bum-bum-bum**_

_**Yeah we rum-bum-bum-bum**_

_**Feeling hot hot hot - Feeling hot hot hot - **_**Oooh LORD!**

As the brass sounded off, the soldiers in front of the building, almost simultaneously with the EVAs out on the battlefield, began to form two separate conga lines of vastly different sizes. More startling was how some of the soldiers began to sing along.

**Ha-ha!**

**_Ole oleeee, ole ole..._**

**_Ole oleeee, ole ole..._**

**_Ole oleeee, ole ole..._**

**_Ole oleeee, ole ole..._**

The conga lines then briefly stopped as everyone started moving to the percussion solo.

**People in the party, hot hot hot!**

**People in the party, hot hot hot!**

**They come to the party, know what they got!**

**They come to the party, know what they got!**

**I'm hot - You're hot - He's hot - She's hot!**

**I'm hot - You're hot - He's hot - She's hot!**

Misato/Ritsuko/Maya [all still thinking 'what the hell his happening...?]:

_**Real hot!**_ [first guitar lick]

_**Real hot!**_ [second guitar lick]

_**Real hot!**_ [third guitar lick]

_**Real hot!**_ [fourth guitar lick, transition to acoustic solo]

At that, Beetlejuice snapped his fingers again. Shigeru vanished from his station and then reappeared in the bandstand, where his body moved on its own as he, to his own surprise, played the acoustic guitar solo of the song. While that happened, the conga lines began to reform, with the EVA one starting to move towards the Limbo Stick of Longinus, the MP EVAs at the front.

Beetlejuice:

**How you feeling? **

Misato/Ritsuko/Maya:

**Hot hot hot!**

Beetlejuice:

**How you feeling? **

Misato/Ritsuko/Maya:

**Hot hot hot!**

Beetlejuice:

**How you feeling? **

Misato/Ritsuko/Maya:

**Hot hot hot!**

Beetlejuice:

**How you feeling? **

Misato/Ritsuko/Maya:

**Hot hot hot!**

With the next three **'Hot hot hots'**, as each MP EVA passed under the limbo stick, the sides of the poles shot spikes through their cores, taking them permanently out of action. The non-MP EVAS continued under the limbo stick unimpeded.

**The SEELE war room...**

The SEELE council was utterly speechless and devastated at what they were seeing. Just when they were on the cusp of achieving Instrumentality, the rug was pulled right out from under them, in a way none of them thought possible.

"NO! NO!" decried SEELE-03.

"OUR INSTRUMENTALITY!" bemoaned SEELE-06.

"OUR ASCENSION!" lamented SEELE-09.

"Billions upon billions of dollars...WASTED!" complained SEELE-12.

"*HHHHHH* Can this day get any f*****g worse...?" Lorenz Kihl, aka SEELE-01 wondered as he shook his head in despair. Then, as if by an act of serendipity, it did in fact get worse for them.

Suddenly, the doors to each council members' respective offices burst open, as armed agents entered.

"This is Interpol! Hands where we can see them!" was heard from an agent in each office. With no other means out, all the council members were forced to comply. In Kihl's office, another agent walked up to the now-handcuffed Kihl.

"Phone call for you," she said as she held a smartphone out and pressed the 'speaker on' button.

"Been a while, Chairman Kihl," Kaji said on the other line.

"YOU!" Kihl let out, enraged at hearing the sound of Kaji's voice.

"Yep, me," Kaji replied. "And may I say, it gives me great pleasure to tell you...on behalf of the government of Japan and the authority of the United Nations, you're under arrest for crimes against humanity." On his end of the phone, Kaji smirked. "Looking forward to seeing you at the Hague. _Auf wiedersehen!_" With that, Kaji hung up the phone, and continued to drive on towards the Geofront.

**The Geofront, minutes later...**

The 'party' had long since ended, with Beetlejuice and the other musical spooks having vanished in puffs of purple smoke to the astonishment of everyone present. The JSSDF troops had all gotten urgent communiques from up high, revealing the extent of the manipulation that set them on the path to invading NERV HQ. Upon learning of what transpired, the squad leaders apologized to the NERV staff that had gathered outside, including Fuyutsuki and the rest of the bridge crew. The EVA pilots had all exited their respective mechs, and had joined the crowd to see if Misato and the others were all right. Kaji had managed to get down and had reunited with Misato. Meanwhile, Rei spoke to a couple of the squad leaders.

"You'll find Gendo Ikari on the last level of Terminal Dogma," she informed them, "in a room labeled 'Heaven's Gate', also called LCL Plant No. 3. Oh, and when you do find him..." She then took a straitjacket out from behind her back. "You might wanna put this on him."

The squad leaders looked at each other confusedly, till one of them took the jacket and called for a few of his men to join them as they headed inside.

Shinji and Asuka looked around, awestruck by what had just happened: they'd done it. Third Impact had been averted. They were alive. Realizing this just now, the two of them embraced in a passionate kiss. The moment was slightly ruined when Misato ensnared them in a bear hug, overjoyed to see they were all right. Then, out of the corner of his eye, Shinji noticed movement, followed by a flash of light.

"Look! The EVAs!" he pointed out. Everyone looked in the direction he indicated and saw a bright streak of light pass over the inactive Evangelions. The light grew brighter in a great flash, forcing everyone to cover their eyes. When they opened them again, they were shocked by what lay before them: the EVAs looked like they'd fallen to pieces, with only the armor that constrained their full power remaining. Everyone ran towards them, and upon closer inspection saw why: the organic components of the Evangelions had vanished!

"That-that's impossible!" Ritsuko said. "Even the Lance of Longinus is gone!"

Misato looked at her friend, and rolled her eyes slightly.

"Rits, where've you been for the past few months?" she asked sarcastically. She then noticed a piece of paper left on the foot of Unit-01. "Huh, what's this?" She then took the paper, which turned out to be a card, off the foot and noticed a name on it. "Uh, Rei, apparently it's for you." She then handed the card to the First Child, who opened it up and read it aloud:

**"Dear Rei,**

**As promised, here's my end of the bargain. All Angelic matter has permanently been removed from the face of the Earth. I even took the liberty of disintegrating the Dead Sea Scrolls held by the SEELE council. Other than that, I left an additional surprise for Shinji and Asuka, if they look where the cores of Units-01 and 02 used to be. Thank you, and thank you to your 'partners' for undoing the damage my kind has done to your world, preventing the disaster that would've come, and for freeing me. I don't know about you, but I really need a vacation. Ciao!**

**Sincerely, Lilith."**

"Well, that was nice of her," Maya mused.

"Forget that, I had no idea she was so...aware," Ritsuko said.

At that moment, the sound of a deep breath could be heard from the pit in Unit-01's chest that used to house its core. A curious Shinji moved towards the giant, then climbed up the EVA's arm to get to the chest. As he peered over the edge, his eyes went wide with surprise at what he found:

Kneeling down in there was a fully-alive, flesh-and-blood Yui Ikari, taking a breath of fresh air for the first time in eleven years. Lilith, in addition to ridding the EVAs of their organic components, had freed her from the core and given her a new body.

"MOM?!" Shinji called out in wonder.

Yui looked up and saw Shinji looking down at her. "Shinji...? Shinji! Is that you?!"

As if sensing something, Asuka quickly dashed to Unit-02's right arm and climbed up it, and peered into the chest of the red giant. Surprise met her when she saw Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu, her own mother, leaning against the inner wall of the pit, another beneficiary of Lilith's parting gift.

"...Mama?!" Asuka called to her.

"Asuka?" Kyoko replied as she looked upward, tears of joy starting to well in her eyes. "Asuka!"

"You're alive!" Asuka shouted in turn.

"Don't worry, mom, we'll get you out of there!" Shinji shouted down to Yui.

"That sounds great, honey, but you might want to throw me down something first..." Yui sheepishly implied.

Realizing what his mother was saying, Shinji blushed heavily and turned to call down to the group below.

"We need some blankets up here!"

**Outside NERV HQ, moments later...**

Yui and Kyoko, blankets wrapped around them, sat and drank from some water bottles as they talked with their respective children, both of whom were ecstatic to find them alive and whole again after so long. A lot of hugs had been exchanged the moment they'd been helped out of the pits of what used to be Unit-01 and 02's cores. It was also the first time Yui and Rei hugged, the former happy to meet her new daughter at last. Misato and the others looked on, happy that one particular wish of her charges had been granted. The group's reverie was interrupted as the sound of hysterical laughter was heard. Looking in the direction of where it was coming from, shocked expressions appeared on their faces when they saw the now-straitjacket-clad Gendo, his trademark tinted glasses very askew, being escorted out of the building by the JSSDF troops that had gone down to retrieve him from Terminal Dogma. Strangely, in-between laughs Gendo was babbling something that was oddly fitting for his current state of mind:

_"And they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!_

_They're coming to take me away, ho-ho hee-hee ha-haaa!_

_To the funny farm,_

_Where life is beautiful all the time..._

_And I'll be happy to see those nice young men,_

_In their clean white coats_

_And they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa..."_

As Gendo was brought into an APC, most of the group continued to stare with their mouths agape, dumbstruck by the sight of the now-insane ex-commander of NERV.

"I can't believe I married that guy," said Yui.

"I can't believe I slept with that guy," said Ritsuko.

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" Rei cheekily chimed in, a small tub of the selfsame spread in her hands.

Everyone turned and stared at her, bewildered by the odd choice of non-sequitur she used.

"...Too soon?" she asked.

**END Chapter 19.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
The battle's over, and the good guys won...by partying down! Not exactly a 'Bollywood' ending, but effective.**

**When Rei's mask slips, she invokes one of the many catchphrases of Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar.**

**Beetlejuice, as described above, assumes the form of Ozymandias from ****_Watchmen_**** (in truth, my least favorite franchise out there, so any chance to make fun of it I'll take); his speech to Gendo of course riffs on the legendary climax to the original comic/graphic novel.**

**Gendo reasoning that he could attempt the forbidden union without Rei is a riff on Rakna's classic EVA fanfic "The One I Love Is".**

**Mari's the second single character here to riff on a line from ****_Ghostbusters_****, in this case Peter's line when the team faces Gozer on the roof of Dana Barrett's apartment building.**

**When Rei leaves the Chamber, she fittingly sings the trademark song of Disney's adaptation of ****_Pinocchio_****, which was also invoked by the titular robot from ****_Avengers: Age of Ultron_****.**

**During the fight, Toji quotes the classic ****_Looney Tunes _****short "Robin Hood Daffy", when the title character demonstrates his 'skill' with the quarterstaff.**

**Rei enters the battle in Unit-00 to the sounds of the "Battle Theme" by Queen, from their soundtrack to 1980's ****_Flash Gordon _****movie.**

**At last, Rei finally uses Lydia's line from the actual ****_Beetlejuice _****movie and cartoon show!**

**The musical number borrows from the setup of the 'Cuban Pete' sequence from ****_The Mask_****, while Beetlejuice assumes a form based on singer David Johansen's "Buster Poindexter" persona, which he utilized for his 1988 cover of "Hot Hot Hot".**

**Gendo, while being led out by the soldiers, sings part of the 1966 novelty song "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" by Jerry Samuels (under the name Napoleon XIV).**

**The disappearance of the Evangelions' organic components and the restoration of Yui and Kyoko is borrowed from Tribun's EVA fanfic "Going Another Way". Like him, I hated how the TV series and ****_End of Evangelion _****ended the story.**

**And finally, Rei invokes a gag from the ****_Family Guy _****(season four) episode "8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter", which in turn parodied the famous commercials for the butter substitute.**

**It's not over yet folks-we still have an epilogue! (Plus extras that follow...)**


	21. Chapter 20 - Epilogue

**Chapter 20 - Epilogue...or, where'd everybody go from there?**

A month had passed since the end of what had been named by the press as the 'Final Battle of Tokyo-3'-though frankly, they were unsure of whether or not to name it the 'Final Battle/Song-and-Dance Number of Tokyo-3' due to the unusual way that it ended. What was a sure thing was that thanks to the efforts of NERV's inner 'resistance' and the JDA, the full extent of SEELE's treachery and conspiracy was unveiled, resulting in massive public outcry the world over. The members of the SEELE council eventually got their day in court-at the Hague-which wound up being covered by the majority of major news outlets around the globe. Which brings us to where we are now with those who won both the Angel War and the War against SEELE, as they'd gathered at Misato's apartment one day in the late afternoon for, of all things, a viewing party. Those attending consisted of the (now former) pilots; Yui and Kyoko, who'd managed to get apartments in the same complex; Kaji, having now moved in with Misato, considering Shinji, Rei and Asuka were going to move in with their mothers; Ritsuko and Maya, along with Makoto and Shigeru; Marie and Mari, who decided to stick around and enjoy Japan for a while; former sub-commander Fuyutsuki; and the newly-returned Hikari, Kensuke, Mana and Mayumi.

"I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with the 'sentencing bingo'," Hikari said to Asuka as she looked at her card. "It seems kind of petty."

"Ah, live a little, Hikari," Asuka said in return. "Considering what those old bastards planned to do to us, you're not gonna feel _that_ guilty."

"True," the class rep admitted.

In the weeks that followed the battle, a lot of Tokyo-3's population returned to the city, including the pilots' friends and their families. Life was more or less beginning to return to normal. The U.N. had decided NERV would be decommissioned, an effort that would take up at least half a year, giving the staff plenty of time to figure out a change in careers as they helped deal with a lot of the more sensitive assets the organization had on-hand.

Over in one corner, Fuyutsuki was taking the time to get caught up with his former pupil as he chatted with Yui and Kyoko. All three were looking at the kids, who were closely following the events of the trial while they kept score on their bingo cards.

"It's amazing how far they've come from this past year," Fuyutsuki noted. "Some things they'll still need to heal from for a while, but for now, it makes me glad to see they're doing fine." He then turned to Yui. "You should be proud of Shinji."

"Oh believe me, I am," Yui said as she eyed Shinji. "For one thing, I'm glad Shinji picked up my knack for music..." Her gaze then turned to Rei, currently making some of the party guests laugh with a few jokes. "Though I never expected I'd have a comedian for a daughter."

Partway into the early evening, Rei walked over to Ritsuko and took her and Maya aside, saying there was someone who wanted to see them out on the balcony. When Maya asked who it was, Rei merely replied with "your future in-law". Ritsuko and Maya followed the bluenette out, and when they saw the person waiting for them, a look of shock appeared on their faces.

"Hello, Ritsuko," Naoko greeted. "Do you know how much I've missed you?"

"M-Mom?!" Ritsuko replied with surprise. She then instinctively rushed over and enveloped her mother in a hug, with tears beginning to well in her eyes. Maya smiled as tears of joy started to well up in her own eyes as well. Ritsuko finally let Naoko go after a minute.

"You know, for a ghost, you feel pretty solid," the younger Akagi noted.

"A bit of density control comes with the territory," Naoko said. She then took on a slightly serious tone. "Ritsuko, I'm so, so sorry for what happened to you. If I hadn't fallen for Gendo's gaslighting, none of this would have happened."

A small smile appeared on Ritsuko's face before she spoke. "Honestly mother, it's all right. What's past is past. We've both made mistakes, more importantly we made up for them-no matter how odd the methodology." She paused a moment to glance at Maya beside her. "And in spite of events, I did wind up meeting the love of my life." As she turned back to Naoko, her smile became a bit of a smirk. "I'm guessing you're partly responsible for Gendo winding up in the nuthouse?"

"VERY much," Naoko replied. "Rei didn't hog all the fun of driving him up the wall. Even got to dust off my old acting chops for a bit."

"You act?" Ritsuko wondered with surprise.

"I never did tell you about what I did with my spare time in college," Naoko replied, before turning her attention to Maya. "You must be Lt. Ibuki. You've no idea how happy you've made my daughter. For that, I can't thank you enough." She held out her hand, which Maya took, hiding how amazed she was that she was shaking hands with an actual ghost.

"I've been curious-that guy in the striped suit at the Geofront, was he the 'partner' Rei kept referring to?" Maya asked.

"Indeed he was," Naoko answered her. "I met him while I found myself in Limbo, and hired him to help me pull off our plan. If it hadn't been for him, none of us would be here right now." She then turned her attention to Rei. "We made quite a team, didn't we?"

"Oh, stop," Rei said in faux-dismissive manner. "I couldn't have asked for a better mother-figure to work with. (And a better mentor, in BJ's case.)"

"Speaking of," Ritsuko began to ask, "where is he anyway?"

Both Naoko and Rei simply shrugged. "I think for now, it's best not to know, considering his type," Naoko said.

"DEFINITELY," Rei seconded.

At that moment, a slanted column of light appeared at the edge of the balcony. Then, accompanied by a certain guitar riff, a golden staircase materialized within, along with a stool at the foot of it. Sitting on the stool was a legendary rock drummer.

"John Bonham?!" Maya wondered.

"You know him?" an equally-surprised Ritsuko asked.

"Aoba's talked about him a bunch of times," Maya replied. "He's the drummer of Led Zeppelin."

"What's he doing here though?" Naoko asked inquisitively.

"Hmmm..." Rei mused, "OH, _riiight_, 'cause it's a 'Stairway to Heaven', got it, _real_ cute."

"Ya got that right, lass," Bonham said as he turned his attention to Naoko. "Dr. Akagi? I've been sent here to tell ya that, on behalf o' the man upstairs, consider yourself redeemed," he said as he handed her a framed certificate which indicated such. Naoko was stunned, as were Ritsuko and Maya.

"What...what's this mean? How am I deserving-?" Naoko started to ask.

"Yer actions speak for themselves," Bonham replied. "Despite the bloke ya worked with, ya did right both by your girl and Miz Ayanami here, in addition to keepin' the world from endin'. And now 'cause of that..." He then pointed with his outstretched right arm towards the staircase. "...Your eternal reward awaits."

Naoko, Ritsuko, and Maya were speechless. Naoko then smiled and let out a weary sigh.

"I guess it now really is my time, then," she said resignedly.

"You mean...?" Ritsuko started to say.

"Yes," Naoko reluctantly answered. "It's time to say goodbye."

Tears started to roll down Ritsuko's face. "But...but I just got to see you again..."

Naoko smiled warmly back at her. "It's okay, Ritsuko. I'm glad I did get the chance to see you again, if only for a little while." She then held a hand to Ritsuko's cheek as she wiped away a tear. "Don't worry about me. I'll still be watching over you-like I have been for most of this past year. Just from a different vantage point. Who knows, maybe I can work out some 'visiting hours'."

At hearing that, Ritsuko seemed to show some satisfaction. Yet she still gave her mother another hug.

"Goodbye, mother," she said. "I'll always love you."

"As will I," Naoko said. She then stepped over to Maya, and hugged her goodbye as well. "Take good care of her. I know you will."

"I promise I will," Maya said as she hugged her back.

Naoko then knelt down and hugged Rei goodbye. "Thanks for everything," Rei said to her, "especially for forgiving me."

"Thank you too," she said, "for forgiving a foolish woman like me."

Naoko then got back up, and then turned to step onto the balcony's ledge. From there, she was led by the hand of John Bonham onto the stairway, and began her walk up it. She paused about five steps up, turned around, and gave one last wave to the trio still down there, who waved back. Naoko turned and continued up, as she, Bonham, and the column disappeared from view.

Maya put an arm around Ritsuko's shoulders as she comforted her. Their reverie was broken when they heard some astonished reactions from inside the apartment.

"Must've reached a verdict," Rei guessed. "Maybe we should head back in."

Ritsuko and Maya nodded, and all three proceeded to walk back inside and join the others.

"What happened?" Ritsuko asked.

"Just handed down the sentences," Kaji replied. "Half of the council, including Kihl, has an appointment with the gallows."

"The other half got life," Misato added.

"I'll drink to that," Maya said as she and Ritsuko were poured a couple of cold ones.

Rei then walked into the center of the room, and cleared her throat, getting everyone's attention.

"I'd say this definitely calls for a victory tune," she declared. "Pen-Pen?"

At hearing his name, the warm-water penguin switched on the stereo, which immediately sprang to life with the sound of a Carribean guitar, followed by some drums and eventually a brass section. At the same time, Rei wiggled her nose, causing some random objects in the apartment to start 'dancing', while she herself floated in mid-air and produced a pair of maracas in her left hand. The party guests were wide-eyed and astounded-even more so when she started singing in a voice not her own:

_**Shake, shake, shake, Senora,**_

_**Shake your body line**_

_**Shake, shake, shake, Senora,**_

_**Shake it all the time**_

_**Work, work, work, Senora,**_

_**Work your body line**_

_**Work, work, work, Senora,**_

_**Work it all the time**_

_**My girl's name is Senora,**_

_**I tell you friends, I adore her!**_

_**And when she dances, oh brother,**_

_**She's a hurricane in all kinds of weather!**_

_(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)_

**_Ok, I believe you!_**

_(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)_

_**Ok, I believe you!**_

_(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)_

_**Ok, I believe you!**_

As the music continued [which it will throughout the rest of this chapter], the reactions among most of the party guests varied.

Asuka and Shinji stared at Rei in disbelief, even after all they'd experienced for the past year.

"Shinji, I love you, but your family is _weird_," said Asuka.

"Don't I know it," Shinji said in turn. At that, both took a long swig of their drinks.

**Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu:** _Got married after college. Shinji became 5th chair for the Tokyo Philharmonic, before later becoming a music teacher. Asuka became co-founder of a small indie video game developer alongside Mana and Marie named Studio Longinus, a naming choice made by the founders with deliberate irony. As a side project, Shinji and Asuka co-authored a cookbook called __Averting Your Roommate's Kitchen Disasters__, featuring a foreword written by, of all people, Pen-Pen. The two later had three very lovely girls, named Mai, Aki, and Teri._

Misato and Kaji watched the little show in front of them with bewildered looks on their faces.

"Uh, hon?" Kaji started to ask.

"Yeah?" Misato replied.

"Since when do you have any calypso albums in your collection?"

"...I don't."

Both Misato and Kaji then took long swigs of their beers.

**Misato Katsuragi and Ryoji Kaji:** _Got out of, respectively, the military and spy games after getting married a year later. The two opened up a pub specializing in international tavern fare. Misato finally had an audience that appreciated her cooking...even if they were plastered enough most of the time to withstand it. The happy couple later had a couple of kids of their own: a girl named Kotomi, and her younger brother Hiroshi._

Hikari and Toji stared awestruck at Rei's 'performance'.

"Toji, I hate to admit this, but we have some really odd friends," she said.

"Yeah..." Toji concurred, as a smile slowly appeared on his face, "...but it wouldn't be the same without 'em."

Hikari returned his smile. "Agreed," she said as she planted a kiss on him.

**Toji Suzuhara and Hikari Horaki:** _Married after college, which Toji attended on an athletic scholarship. The two wound up becoming teachers at their former middle school, with Toji as a gym coach, and Hikari as a history teacher, specializing in anything BUT the years immediately following Second Impact. Her students didn't know how grateful they were for this. The two are currently expecting twins._

Kensuke and Mana watched Rei with great interest.

"You still got that camera of yours?" Mana asked.

Kensuke quickly whipped it out, its red light indicating it was recording. "Never leave home without it," he answered.

"Good boy," she said.

**Kensuke Aida and Mana Kirishima: **_Bonded over their shared military interests, and started dating shortly thereafter. Kensuke became a photojournalist, while Mana joined Asuka and Marie in co-founding Studio Longinus as a lead designer. Currently engaged._

Ritsuko and Maya stared, their mouths agape, at Rei's performance.

"...Maya, if I ever discount the possibility of supernatural phenomena again, I want you to pinch me," Ritsuko said.

"...Anywhere specific? Either way, consider it done," Maya replied. The two then each took a big swig of their drinks.

**Ritsuko Akagi and Maya Ibuki:** _Married the following year. Ritsuko became a general practitioner, while Maya pursued her doctorate with Ritsuko's sponsorship. She later formed a tech start-up with Aoi Mogami, Kaede Agano, and Hitomi Kaga. Rits and Maya are currently looking into either adoption or artificial means of having a kid._

Mayumi and Mari kept chatting as they watched Rei's performance.

"Any of your books mention anything about this?" Mari asked.

"I'd say it's a good bet," Mayumi replied. "Wanna come by and see them some time?"

"THAT'S a good bet," Mari eagerly answered, as she and Mayumi clinked their glasses together.

**Mayumi Yamagishi and Mari Makinami:** _Became best friends over their shared interest in the supernatural, and wound up heading westward to attend Columbia University in New York. In their junior year, they wound up taking over ownership of a small bookstore in the city called Ray's Occult Books. The most valuable old tome they have on display in the shop was an odd find for them, a strange book called T__he Handbook for the Recently Deceased._

Makoto and Shigeru stared at Rei, dumbstruck.

"You don't think...?" Makoto started to ask.

"Could she...?" Shigeru also began to ask.

Both looked at each other, before simultaneously saying the same thing while waving their hands dismissively:

"Naaaahhh."

**Makoto Hyuga:** _Moved in together with Satsuki Ooi after she returned to Japan. The two established an indie manga studio, specializing in satirical stories._

**Shigeru Aoba:** _Founded a successful independent record label with his bandmates._

Marie stared at the scene for a moment before ultimately shrugging her shoulders.

"Eh, I've seen stranger things," she said nonchalantly.

**Marie Vincennes****: **_Joined in with Asuka and Mana in founding Studio Longinus. She got their first game idea after seeing Asuka's birthday gift from Kensuke, which led to the release of "EVA Mad Dash", dubbed by critics as being as zany as Cell Damage, and as fun as Mario Kart._

Fuyutsuki was at first speechless over what he was currently seeing, but not for long.

"Looks like in all my years, I _still_ haven't seen everything..." he mused as he took a drink.

**Kozou Fuyutsuki:** _Went into partial-retirement, occasionally giving lectures, but mostly dedicating himself to his few hobbies._

Yui and Kyoko stood there befuddled by what was going on.

"THIS is going to take some getting used to..." said Yui.

"You know, Yui, in the case of our daughters, I think I got off lightly," Kyoko said in turn.

"I may be inclined to agree with you," Yui replied. The both of them then took big swigs of their drinks.

**Yui Ikari:** _Wound up taking over her former professor Fuyutsuki's position at Kyoto U. Later wrote a bestselling memoir titled __Journey to the Center of a Giant Bio-Mech__._

**Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu:** _Received a nice settlement from her ex-husband, along with full custody of Asuka. She returned to her scientific career, this time in a field she was originally intent on pursuing: alternative energy research._

Pen-Pen looked on in amusement as he contentedly samba'd along to the beat. "Wark!"

**Pen-Pen:** _Under the pen name 'P.N. Guinn', began ghostwriting a financial advice column for The Wall Street Journal, which proved to be a hit with readers. Apparently his housemates underestimated the intellect of their fine-feathered friend._

Rei paid no heed to the looks she was getting from the rest of her friends and family, as she simply enjoyed herself while joined by the sudden arrival of some dancing, Hawaiian shirt-clad skeletons:

_**You can talk about Cha-Cha,**_

_**Tango, Waltz, or the Rumba.**_

_**Senora's dance has no title,**_

_**You jump in the saddle,**_

_**Hold on to de bridle!**_

_(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)_

**_Ok, I believe you!_**

_(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)_

_**Ok, I believe you!**_

_(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)_

_**Ok, I believe you!**_

**Rei Ikari (née Ayanami):** _Graduated college with a degree in psychology. Following graduation, became a popular stand-up comic in many a Tokyo club before taking her act on the global festival circuit. A performance at Comedy Relief led to her discovery by Lorne Michaels, who helped her land that most-coveted of gigs as a staff writer (and later 'Weekend Update' anchor) for Saturday Night Live, an institution resilient enough to survive even Second Impact. One of her more notable sketches was an animated SNL Digital Short that greatly parodied mecha and giant robot anime._

**Naoko Akagi:** _Did indeed go to her eternal reward, where she took the opportunity to meet some of her scientific heroes. At one point wound up beating Ada Lovelace in a poker game. Worked out a deal that let her occasionally pop in on her daughter and her new daughter-in-law._

**The Rei clones:** _Beetlejuice called in a favor from a guy he knew 'upstairs', and had the souls of children lost in Second Impact reincarnated into the clones, further modified by Lilith to differ in appearance and no longer possess S2 organs. The now-human-and-diversified clones were each adopted by families who lost loved ones during Second Impact._

**Jet Alone: **_Footage of the funkified Jet Alone's battle with the 14th Angel leaked onto the internet, inspiring a new wave of genre films called 'mechsploitation movies'. The first notable one of these productions was a Mario Van Peebles co-production called "Sweet Mazinga Z's Baadasssss Song"._

**Adam:** _Works as a blackjack dealer at a casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, which was about as far as he made it in lieu of Cleveland._

**Iruel:** _Took a job as tech support specializing in software, as part of Best Buy's Geek Squad._

**Leiliel:** _Started up a successful self-storage franchise._

**Zeruel:** _Took a job as the butcher for a small deli; Yelp reviews called his cuts of meat the finest in the land._

**Kaworu Nagisa/Tabris:** _Made it further inland than his father. Ditched his former handle of Tabris (along with his S2 organ). Found a job working in a music store called Championship Vinyl in Chicago, where owner/proprietor Rob Gordon named him 'employee of the month' three years in a row._

**The SEELE Council:** _Following their sentencing, their seized assets were sold off, the proceeds going to those who lost their loved ones in Second Impact._

**Gendo Ikari:** _Committed to the Poronai Valley Home for the Reality-Challenged in Hokkaido-2. His room resides in the wing of the facility housing patients who think they're Napoleon and those who think they're Ethel Merman-and even those who think they're Ethel Merman playing Napoleon._

**Lilith:** _Vanished without a trace from Japan. Whereabouts currently unknown...Although secretly..._

**Kingston, Jamaica...**

A tropical sea breeze filled the air over the shoreline, where among the vacationing tourists and beach bums lay a beautiful, but very pale woman with long snow-white hair. She was lying back on a green-and-white striped beach chair, next to a small table with an umbrella angled backwards. The woman wore a purple two-piece swimsuit, and appeared to be greatly enjoying herself-alongside a most unusual companion.

"Aaaaahhhh...I never knew I really needed this till now," Lilith said as she reached for the coconut cup containing her Pina Colada.

"It's like I told ya, babe," said Beetlejuice, who was lying back in a similar chair as he held his own drink. He was wearing a pinkish Hawaiian shirt with yellow-green patterns, black-and-white striped Bermuda shorts, and a pair of sandals. "Once in a while, ya just gotta sit back and enjoy the lil' things in life."

"I'll definitely drink to that," Lilith replied. The two of them 'clinked' their cups together as they took a sip.

"As a wise man once said," Beetlejuice began to say as the camera panned upwards towards the clear blue sky, "'How SWEET IT IS!'"

**END Epilogue.**

****Author's Note(s)**  
And thus, our tale comes to a close, a happy ending for the majority of those involved.**

**Yes, I went and made an obvious Led Zeppelin joke, so sue me!**

**Rei's musical bit of course is lifted from the final scenes of ****_Beetlejuice._**

**The way I laid out the 'where are they now' for the characters is inspired by how it was done for ****_National Lampoon's Animal House_****.**

**Shinji and Asuka's careers are nods to jcmoorehead's fanfic "The Division Bell". Their kids are named after Shinji and Asuka's daughters from three classic fanfics: the doujinshi "Happy End of Evangelion" (Mai), Jimmywolk's "The 2nd Try" (Aki), and Axel Terizaki's "The Child of Love" (Teri).**

**Misato and Kaji's kids' names also come from a couple of those same fanfics: Kotomi from "Happy End of Evangelion" and Hiroshi from Jimmywolk's one-shot sequel "Aki2".**

**Ritsuko and Maya's career changes are inspired by tribun's "Going Another Way".**

**The bookstore Mayumi and Mari take over comes from ****_Ghostbusters II._**

**Kyoko's delving into alternate energy comes from Traitor of All Traitors's "Reversal of Misfortune", while her marital resolution is inspired by OrionPax09's "Superwomen of EVA: Soul's Haven".**

**Pen-Pen's pen name is lifted from the one used by the Penguin in the 1966 _Batman_ movie.**

**The music store Kaworu gets a job at comes from the novel (and John Cusack movie) ****_High Fidelity_****.**

**The name of the facility Gendo is committed to is a riff on the Piqua Valley Home for the Reality-Challenged from the fourth ****_Captain Underpants_**** book. The bit with the patients that think they're Ethel Merman is based on a gag from ****_Airplane!_****.**

**Beetlejuice's final line in the chapter sees him quote Ralph Kramden from ****_The Honeymooners._**

**Like many a Popeil commercial would say, "But wait-there's more!"**


	22. Bonus Material 1

I did say there'd be more, didn't I?

**Bonus 1: NERV Gets Juiced - The Soundtrack**

*Coming soon to a YouTube playlist near you.*

**Probably non-existent.

1\. "Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)" - Harry Belafonte (Burgess/Attaway) 3:02

2\. "The Stripper" - David Rose and His Orchestra (Rose) 1:57

3\. "Spanish Flea" - Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass (Wechter) 2:06

4\. "A Fifth of Beethoven" - Walter Murphy and the Big Apple Band (Beethoven/Murphy) 3:02

5\. "That's Amore" - Dean Martin (Warren/Brooks) 3:05

6\. "Theme from 'Shaft'" - Ryan Bartley, Stephanie McKeon, Abby Trott (Hayes) 3:15**

7\. "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty" - KC and the Sunshine Band (Casey/Finch) 3:07

8\. "It's Not Unusual" - Tom Jones (Reed/Mills) 2:03

9\. "Proud Mary" - Ike and Tina Turner (Fogerty) 3:15

10\. "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" - William Shatner (Lennon/McCartney) 2:57

11\. "King Tut" - Steve Martin and the Toot Uncommons (Martin) 2:10

12\. "Jet Alone Theme Song (parody of 'Dolemite') - Craig Robinson (Taylor) 1:19**

13\. "Hip to Be Square" - Huey Lewis and the News (Gibson/Hopper/Lewis) 4:01

14\. "I Am Very Glad, as I'm Finally Returning Back Home" - Eduard Khil (?) 2:42

15\. "Kool Kat Walk" - Julee Cruise (Lynch/Badalamenti) 6:24

16\. "U Can't Touch This" - M.C. Hammer (Burrell/James/Miller) 4:16

17\. "Misato's Pantry (A Cruel Angel's Polka)" - "Weird Al" Yankovic (Oikawa/Satō/Ōmori) 4:05**

18\. "Stuck in the Middle with You" - Stealers Wheel (Rafferty/Egan) 3:28

19\. "Hot Hot Hot" - Buster Poindexter (Cassell) 4:07

20\. "Jump in the Line" - Harry Belafonte (Kitchener) 3:39

**Bonus 2: Hypothetical English Dub Voice Cast (in order of appearance)**

As I went about writing this story, I found that it helped to picture the voices of the characters. Since my only experience with EVA was through the Netflix dub, the 'selection' you see here was based on the crop of voice talent utilized for said dub, most of whom were LA-based.

Naoko Akagi - Mary Elizabeth McGlynn

Beetlejuice - John Kassir (normal form, Jun Byaku form); Maurice LaMarche (Marlon Brando form); Tom Kenny (Pee-Wee Herman form, Richard Simmons form); Jesse Rath (Master Thespian form); Billy West (Deep Pipes form); Jason Spisak (Ferris Bueller form); Beau Billingslea (Jet Alone form); Charlie Adler (waitress form); Fred Tatasciore (Hulk Hogan form); "Weird Al" Yankovic ("Weird Al" form); Liam O'Brien (Christoph Waltz form, Ozymandias form)

Iruel - Daran Norris

Leiliel - Kyle Hebert

Yui Ikari - Gwendoline Yeo

Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu - Wendee Lee

Barnabas Collins - Liam O'Brien

Marie Vincennes - Cherami Leigh

Mari Makinami - Lisa Ortiz

Hitomi Kaga - Philece Sampler

Clark Griswold - Fred Tatasciore

Bardiel - Doug Lawrence

Lloyd Christmas - Rob Paulsen

Harry Dunne - Dave Coulier

Mana Kirishima - Colleen O'Shaughnessey

Mayumi Yamagishi - Eden Riegel

J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson - Richard Epcar

Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard - Billy West

Zeruel - Patrick Seitz

Jack Skellington - Benjamin Diskin

Sally - Colleen O'Shaughnessey

Arael - Steve Blum

Armisael - Derek Stephen Prince

Kaede Agano - Eden Riegel

Major Aaron Krohn - Lex Lang

Adam - Trey Parker (yes, I imagined the embryonic Adam sounding like Eric Cartman)

John Bonham - Matt Mercer

Lilith - Amanda Winn Lee (a fun cameo from one of the original ADV dub cast members, especially the original voice of Rei and Yui)

**Stay tuned-the second round of bonus material is next!**


	23. Bonus Material 2

**Bonus 3: What would the prior Angels fear?**

While I was at the middle of the story, an interesting question came to me-if I was ambitious enough to start right from the beginning of EVA, then what would Angels 3 through 10 be the most afraid of? I gave it a little thought, and the result is:

Sachiel - Rakes; think Sideshow Bob and whatever happens when rakes enter the picture. Now picture it walking into nothing BUT giant rakes as he tried to land a blow on Unit-01.

Shamshel - The Muppets, specifically the ones who dance to Al Hirt's "Java" and the trio known for the "Mahna Mahna" song.

Ramiel - Dali-style surrealist and Picasso-style cubist art; I see Ramiel as something of a geometric perfectionist, so those two particular artists would definitely drive it out of its mind.

Gaghiel - Spongebob Squarepants; I recently pictured a whole sequence where Gaghiel notices, out of the corner of its eye, a brief flash of yellow in the water, as the sounds of John Williams' _Jaws _theme were heard. With a laugh like Spongebob's on constant loop, it would make even one of the biggest, toothiest Angels cower in fear. Also, a really bad joke said by 'Beetle-Bob' before laughing: "Hi there! Are you a ska fan? Because you look like a Reel Big Fish!"

Israfel - Square-dancing; had a whole bit where Beetlejuice channels Bugs Bunny in the classic _Looney Tunes _short "Hillbilly Hare", which would see him go 'Pied Piper' with a fiddle that compelled Unit-01 and Unit-02 to square dance Israfel into oblivion.

Sandalphon - Snowmen; BJ turns into Frosty the Snowman, frightening the heat-thriving Angel.

Matarael - Boots ('Kinky' or otherwise); if you're an Angel that looks something like a spider, you'd definitely be afraid of getting stepped on by a bigger boot.

Sahaquiel - The Three Stooges; it's a big eyeball, so naturally it would be averse to a comedy team known for, among other things, poking eyes in a lot of their films.

**Bonus 4: Omake 'Post-Credits' Ending**

*If it works for the MCU...*

As the party continued, Misato heard a knock at the door. She and Kaji went to answer it, and when they opened the door, both were astonished by the sight of a certain someone standing there. He was a thin, much older, subtly flamboyant gentleman with a wry smile and a thin mustache.

"John Waters?!" Misato wondered aloud as she identified the visitor.

"Sorry to bother you like this," the director of _Hairspray_ and _Cry-Baby_, among other films, began to say, "but I'm consulting on a _FLCL_ fanfic referencing my filmography, and seem to have gotten lost. Am I in the right place?"

Misato and Kaji both looked at each other perplexed before turning their attention back to the filmmaker.

"Uh, I think you'll wanna try next door," Misato said as she motioned with her thumb.

"Thanks, you're such a dear," said Waters as he started to head on his way. "Oh and, just a heads-up, some of my colleagues will be dropping by with a similar question. Toodles!" He then left the doorstep just as David Lynch stepped up. Looking over his shoulder, Misato and Kaji saw that behind him were the likes of Kevin Smith, Martin McDonagh, Greta Gerwig, the Coen brothers, the Farrelly brothers, the Wachowskis, M. Knight Shyamalan, Luc Besson, Joe Dante, Sofia Coppola, and a few others. A pretty illustrious crowd for a building as non-descript as the Gainax Arms.

"Kaji?" Misato asked.

"Yeah?" Kaji replied.

"Is it just me, or are there _way_ too many quirky film directors out here in the city?" she asked.

**END.**

**Happy New Year, True Believers!**


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